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I was thinking about this some more too, and I think you are right.

At least for an AS woman, parenthood is very probably going to mean having a "partner" of some description to put up with for quite a while, unless have the courage/resources/opportunity to leave and set up alone, or the father leaves of his own accord.

Like you, I am not sure which has been harder to deal with, the parenthood alone, or the other, adult, living-partner that came with it, and whom despite various crises I have not had the "whatever it takes" to leave.

I am very aware of how in a sense this is a job I do, which earns me a roof, pocket money, good food, internet connection, chauffeur service at weekends for shopping purposes, freedom from "horrible" little/part-time jobs ( well below my real skill levels because I fell/dropped out of the real job market almost 20 years ago) , etc, and that there is no reason why it should be "fun"/easy.

It involves relatively little housekeeping, because he isn't too fussy, and when he is he often does it; providing company, however indifferent or irritable, ( he experienced living alone once for three years, hated it, and fervently hopes it will never happen again, so that even my frequently unfriendly company, and no sex for over 6 years now, seems good to him. ) and most importantly looking after our son.

But I do sometimes wonder seriously whether this combination isn't actually worse than life as a single mother with a horrible little job , or disability benefit if succeeded in persuading the govt agencies of this, ( which sort of thing I'm not good at though so is unlikely) .

So yes, for AS women in particular, but obviously for many AS men too, an often inevitable part of the difficulty of parenting will be the problems of living with another adult. I sometimes think that I would have been stronger, because having more time on my own, if I had left in the beginning. Now I am habit ridden.

I think there must be a lot of us. After all if AS/Autism runs in families, and there are all these tens of thousands of autist/AS children... ...

I even wonder whether the feminist revolutions of the 20's and 60's-70's might have been largely/partly fuelled by AS women oppressed/made almost ill by their lives as wives and mothers. Have you seen "The Hours"? With Julianne Moore as an almost definitely AS housewife and mother of small boy in the 50's. it is brilliant. I cry everytime I see the film.

Last edited by ouinon on 25 May 2008, 1:58 am, edited 3 times in total.

This would certainly explain a lot about the tastes, styles, behaviours, and ways of thinking of many of the most radical/radically pissed off amongst them.

lol - Sort of - #1 son likes to the the on field enforcer. Anyone hurts one of his team, he likes to show them what its like to be on the receiving end of an excessively hard tackle. As a consequence sometimes they target him to get him back.

I'm email you a pic of him. 6'3" 240 lbs - lean - no-one messes with him. No#2 son (15 y.o.) also 6'3" but not the same muscle yet.

The problem with football is stiff arm tackles, spear tackles and I have seen a "karate kick" to the head. Some schools do not seem to do anything about that sort of play.

In spite of their size, bullying was a slight problem when they were younger because they would never retaliate when picked on because I always told them never to hit anyone. After a while I told them that if they were pushed around or hit that they should "not be a victim" and I expected them to push/hit back. There was never a problem after that.

I wish I'd thought a lot more about whether or not to even have children. I remember vividly a moment about 5 months into my first pregnancy - oh s**t - my mother was horrible as a parent and I'm not going to be able to do any better. I vowed to do better, and in some ways I have. If I knew then that I was an aspie, I would have not had children. It's really hard to come out and say this, because of course that would mean I wouldn't have my daughters. But it's just been such a miserable 18 years, and they both have problems because of the crap I've had to deal with. And the problem of their father, who has wet-brain from years of alcoholism and has been a major thorn in my side for most of the last 15 years. Even though we live 4000 miles from him and his shrew of a wife, he still manages to inflict horrible pain on me and our kids. My 18 year old doesn't even talk to him. I can't even begin to go into how horribly he's treated all of us. I've called CPS on him on several occasions when my kids were with him, for things like, oh, smoking crack. He took off while they were there, didn't say where he was going or when he was coming back. Abandoned them with no food. Crap. I should just be happy that the girls have finally decided to stay permanently with me despite the joint custody agreement - we are all much better off.

When I met him I was 19, and he was the most nonjudgemental person I'd ever met. He was very easy to be around because I never felt like I had to be anybody but myself with all my quirks. I think his superior social skills are the reason my daughters are mostly NT. However, daily alcohol abuse has changed him into a completely different person, one that I don't recognize.

So when you have kids, you are connected to the other parent forever, really, as it doesn't end even when they turn 18. Like it or not, I have to deal with this relationship. My way of doing it is to live on the most isolated island chain in the world, change my phone number frequently, and block his emails. Burying my head in the sand. I'm always afraid he's going to pop up and cause more damage. In fact, just last week he was fired from his job. So the money he was sending our 17 year old will stop coming, and I am now responsible for supporting 4 people on just my salary. And I'm an aspie with a physical disability.

Ouinon, I think you might have something in your theory. When I was at home with just babies, I went crazy. I went back to work and it helped my depression. I can't imagine being a stay at home mom in the fifties, with no choices. And no birth control.

I would totally have gone nuts with the "mother's little helper" pills. And there was birth control back then - just burn the roast.

Seriously, some of my "fiber friends" (people who spin, knit, crochet, etc) wonder if women who enjoy such pursuits might be a bit on the Aspie side - many of them swear by such detail-oriented, handwork hobbies to keep their sanity.

But I have often thought in ALL seriousness that I would've been burned as a witch, if I'd lived in such times. Just because the potatoes in my garden grew the year everyone else got the blight (because I knew something they didn't) or I couldn't keep my mouth/opinions to myself, or something. Either that, or I'd of been one of those wandering healer women, going around birthing babies and gathering herbs and making poultices, or something.

Staying at home with my son, as much as I love him, nearly drove me to suicide. I became SO UTTERLY UTTERLY depressed. It's what drove me to volunteer work and handicrafts and part-time work, just to get OUT and AWAY.

My bf does the same too, he says all kinds of crap about me not being responsible enough... But im more responsible than he is He can often sleep through a day, while im tired and whatever... While i look after our daughter. I just barely manage whole days alone sometimes but then again i dont want to let my daughter down. I just hate this, he thinks that cause he cleans the kitchen most of the time hes so much better... Makes me wanna slap him.

I find it interesting that there are only 5 votes, but a ton of posts. That is good for the volume of posts, but not so good for enticing the site to put up a new forum.

Pops

Check out some of the aspie parenting resources on this site:
http://www.neurodiversity.com/autistic_parents.html

Yes, very much so. Based on the past + present, I am scared about the future



strange - i cannot see the vote results now




thanks i will - i feel like im cracking up right now

Can we help?

drybones, how old are your kids?

boys/girls?

Any AS traits there?

Think I may be on verge of actually leaving the father of my son, after he failed to follow crucial parts of the clear instructions given to him by the director of our son's correspondence school for putting a stop to an Academic Inspection in addition to the course's assessments.

He was supposed to give the name of a friend of the director who works high up in the inspectorate in paris, which would theoretically halt the inspection process, but he didn't, and still hasn't even after a phone call from here after the meeting was over.

We are requested/required to take son along by end of june for full battery of tests. As a result I am going to press on with passport renewal application for my son and rack my brains about how we could move to the UK in a not too catastrophic fashion.

I am fed up of loathing the father, of criticising and despising him, of his company, of being irritated by his noises and brainlessness. I need to get away from this. I was inevitably not very nice to him this morning, especially as he came back with a smirky smile on his face as if everything was sorted, and saying that there wasn't much to tell.

The extent of his stupidity completely does my head in.

Not very happy. I wonder whether the worst part by far of being an AS parent, after the first couple of years of looking after a very dependent baby/toddler are over anyway, is in fact the parenting partner/co-progeniteur.

Will have to ask Nan about this because she has been AS single parent for ages.

AS Parent Power: Successful testimonials topic

Neurodiversity.com is a great resource. Thanks for the link, Aylissa

Last edited by sartresue on 27 May 2008, 7:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am realising that this threat of an unavoidable, imminent ( the guy at the inspectorate proposed a visit here tomorrow morning! ), academic inspection after 3 years of living under the shadow of invasion by the authorities, is maybe actually what I needed to push me just over the edge of leaving rather than hanging on, rationalising etc.

I needed one more reason, and here it is. I am literally physically/nervously tired and fed up of being irritated and worked up and hostile and critical all the time. And this isn't good for any of us either.

Going to organise an exit.

Virtual hug to Ouinon.
So sorry to hear you're going through this. I know when I contemplate getting out of a relationship, it is the absolutely most stressful experience. Making a change like that, especially moving to a different country, (I moved off the mainland so I've done it) is incredibly hard. You must be bad off to be contemplating it.

Do you not have the option to stay where you are, by yourself (with your son)?

Big hug to you ouinon!

Im going through the exact same thing, thinking of leaving my bf. Ive actually found it easier to be alone with my baby than with the "help" of my bf. Its weird. I think the hardest part for me is having someone close by who wont go under my routine. Ive told my bf i need strict schedules to be able to do stuff, and he has refused to accept this. This has been true since before i got pregnant. I function better now that im alone for some reason.

I hope you figure out what to do, and good luck. Moving out is hard but doable... Eventhough its gonna be hard the first couple of weeks/months. You will adjust. You are smart. You can do this you know