Entering Adulthood?

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Just because he has AS does not mean he can't do the things he has to do, depending on his level of functioning.

I have AS, and back when I was young nobody had heard of it. So, I was just "wierd". I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do because there was no other choice. I hated a lot of it, and had quite a few meltdowns etc, but I got through it. Granted, not everyone with AS can do that, as I said, depending on their level of functioning and how severe the AS effects them.

One thing I would ask is do you make him do anything he doesn't want to do? Have you been consistent all his life about certain things? Have you given in to him because of the AS on things that he might have been able to accomplish?

Having AS does not give us the right to not try to take care of ourselves and function in the world to the best of our abilities. AS does not mean that our parents have to go out of their way constantly to try not to upset us. AS does not mean that we have the right to not be inconvenienced by life.

I would suggest that you sit down and have a serious talk with him about what is and isn't expected of him and tell him that if he thinks he can't do something, you will be glad to help him try, but he will have to try. Tell him there is no shame in failure and you will support him if he fails, but it has to be true failure and not fake failure so he doesn't have to do it. Point out to him that one day you will all be gone and ask him what he thinks will happen then. Who will take care of him, or does he want to live in a group home (if he falls within the parameters for that of course), what he plans on doing, etc. Have him write down his long term goals and steps he needs to take to achieve them and to put a timeline with that and work on the steps.

I'm AS, but my kids are NT. So, I don't have experience from your POV, but more from your sons.

He also may be overwhelmed with all the choices and responsibilities that are about to hit him when he graduates as well. That's something else you should discuss.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

in the Jed Baker book, it does help with what OliveOilMom suggests.... it is basically a workbook arranged by topics and helps come up with a written individual (you write it yourself with suggestions from the book) plan for how you will handle things that will come up as an adult and then I would guess this becomes helpful to refer back to if you start to get anxious and helps lessen arguments between parent-kid over same topics... like I said, not there yet, haven't used it, but it looks helpful on the surface...

OliveOilMom thanks for your post... I struggle with how much I should treat my kids differently, knowing that some problems stem from Aspergers for one child... also, I never know how much to push and how much to nurture... I think it is a much finer line for asperger kids...

Hello, I'm new here. My son was diagnosed in high school between his sophomore and junior year. He is able to do a lot of the things some aspies cannot, like drive. His grades in high school were haphazard but he did manage to get in college on our dime. After several problems being in a college that was not the right fit for many reasons, he is now at a college he loves and is doing well at. However, there are still many problems. First of all, in addition to be diagnosed with Asperger's, he was diagnosed with severe to moderate Narcolepsy. As a result, My son has a heck of a time waking up in the morning. He has fallen asleep at school and at one point, driving was no longer an option. He has been on a med to help him stay awake once he is awake that is helping. Now that there is a background, my son is almost 23, lives at home, is very rude at times and cannot get him self up in the morning. I have been told by many people, professional and otherwise, to simply kick him out! How can I do this in good conscious? His doctor has tried to get my son to understand that independence comes with a price tag, of sorts. In other words, since we would be paying for his living arrangements on or off campus, he needs to show us that he can take care of himself 100%. The doc even suggested a "bank" system, Every day our son got up on his own, he'd gain "points" in the bank that he can "cash in" when we all decide he is ready to move. The doc suggested that my son try to get 20 points in 30 days. So far, technically speaking, he has earned 0 in 15 days. My son is intelligent, has friends and has a bright future ahead of him. However, when he is home he can be rude, disrespectful and downright lazy, for lack of a better way of saying it. He always apologizes for his behavior but then does it again. In contrast, his younger brother, who does not have any issues, went to college in Florida at a year-round college and is home at the moment looking for employment. This causes our son with asperger's great stress. He knows he is behind his peers and blames us at times for holding him back. We have tried to explain that everyone moves through life at different paces. My husband and I disagree on some things, which does not help. We want to have 100% independence but do not know how to help him if it seems like he does not want to help himself. He even wavers on this by saying, "I need to live on my own", one day. The next day he says, "I'm not ready to live on my own yet". ANY advice in any way would be helpful. Thank you.

to the above poster, Firmness, without loudness or harshness. It sounds like you are wise already. Putting him out into the world means you release him completely and so must be ready to accept the fact there would be consequences and out of your control. Maybe good, maybe not. It takes longer to grow up all the way and we don't really grow toward normal - you know that tho'. My folks showed me the door and I couldn't wait to go at a young age. All hell broke loose as I became the victim of many people. I learned, some. If I had stayed it would have probably been worse, as my parents were incapable of understanding and were ashamed of me. I wish I could help more. I believe a schedule and a goal or a series of small goals more to the point. Whether you all can be in agreement with yourselves is the 'difficulties generator'. Best to you. (that banking and point system thing doesn't work for me or my offspring either)

Edit: Just realised this was an old thread someone's dug up. Oh well, maybe my response will be of use to someone.

To the OP: honestly, I think if you are struggling with what to do, rather than dancing around the subject you need to simplify it. The first thing is your son is an adult, so you need to speak to him. Express to him you love him, express your worries, then ask him what HE wants and ask how you can assist with that. Then LISTEN to him. However much you may dislike his answers, he has his own opinions, his own likes/dislikes, and his own choices to make. If the problem is functional, then it can be worked upon. However I wonder, like one of the others pointed out, since your son is holding down a job, he clearly has some degree of social functionality. Is it to the level YOU wish he had? Is that where the problem lies? Speaking from my own experiences, my parents would love me to have a whole host of friends, to go to parties, etc, but that will never be me. I am able to function in society, I am able to 'mirror' to provide adequate responses in the social situations I am forced into, but I will never choose to go to parties and spend my time with other people. I hold down a job, but my spare time is spent on my own.

I think you should be asking yourself what is truly bothering you here: your son's ability to function in the world, or your son's ability to live up to a set of 'normal' expectations regarding socialising? All parents have wants for their children, but sometimes you need to step back and ask what they want.

Finally, after really looking at how YOU feel vs how HE feels, I would consider perhaps you may wish to speak to someone yourself? It might make things more concrete in your own mind, and it might provide ways in which you can help your son if you conclude he does have functioning issues which are vital to his independent existence in the world (as opposed to adherence to a societal 'norm' of socialising).