Raised by Aspergers parent

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I don't want to pick any scabs. I know based on your other posts you have some really bad experiences (to say the least) with people. Why do you think well-meaning, but kind of weird is worse than non-interactive? I think you are falling into the trap of internalizing some really unhealthy messaging.

Whether they are unhealthy or not, they seem to be correct and accurate.

That's what really matters, isn't it??

I have no hesitation in saying that a warm, involved, stupid Aspie mother is the better choice. Please, do not let fear keep you from living. Mistakes are part of life. We all make them. Learn to embrace them.

OK, now that my kids are teens I do "check" myself a lot more often, but I still allow myself to be me. So I did something stupid the other day that a friend probably found weird; she never said anything; she ignored it; so OK its another reason she will probably never consider me a close friend, but she rolled with it. *I* wonder why I did it, but life goes on.

When we recently had my son reassessed so we could have the right paperwork for his SAT accommodations, one of the things the psychologist told me was that she thought the main reason my son is so well centered and happy is that our family knows it is quirky and has simply embraced that. We've modeled that it is OK to be wrong. It is OK to make mistakes. It is OK to admit those mistakes. It is OK to be weird. In other words, it is OK to be yourself. When you model that for your children, that you know who you are and you are content with who you are, no matter what anyone else thinks, you are teaching them one of the most important lessons in the world.

Many of my father's most annoying parenting moments all were born from fear, and over-reaching concern about how he was perceived by others. Why wouldn't he let me ask for a hot dog without mustard? Because he didn't want to "trouble" the vendor. He was always so worried about getting things wrong that he actually created problems for us. And he taught me to be constantly worried about what others think, instead of teaching me that being myself was a good thing.

So, please, don't let fear hold you back. Be with your kids. They will tell you when you go too far, and then you draw back; its no big deal. Sure, they'll get mad and frustrated at times, but that is part of living. You let them be real to you just as you are real to them.

Why do you say it is right?

Not really. Only an Aspie worries so much about correct and accurate that they make it top priority.

Sure, you want kids to know how to be effective and appropriate in this world, so that they can achieve their goals and maximize their options and choices, but that isn't what is going to make them happy or give them a good life. Being happy comes from within, from having a strong and positive sense of self and a healthy outlook. Without that, the rest loses value and meaning.

The best thing to teach kids is to embrace life with all its risks, mistakes, faults and messiness. To be comfortable in their own skin no matter how odd that is. To not be afraid to like what they like or be who they are. Knowing how to be correct and appropriate for any given situation is the icing on the cake, but it isn't the cake itself.

I can only relate within my own family: I think you are bugging yourself a bit too much. Yes, maybe as long as the kids are smaller, and you are the centre of their social contacts, they will copy some weirdo habbits from you. But weirdo habbits does not make bad people, that you need to be ashamed of. And if you are having NT kids, then latest when they start with puberty, they start giving other social contacts the same priority as you. So when my NT sister became about 10-11 and started spending time more and more with her friends, she simply got in contact naturally, with what might seem weird to others, and what "normality" means for others. So kids learn from their complete social environment, and not only from their mother.

And for me: Yop, I am still weirdo. But I stopped feeling bad about it, as long as it causes nothing bad. Did I do some really weirdo stuff, that I felt a certain time ashamed for, when thinking of it. Yes. But now I have realized, that I may have done some strange things or acted weird before others: But noone was hurted by that. So why bother myself about nothing bad that happened? As well that I dont bother myself anymore about "If I had not Aspergers, then all my problems would not exist... oh why, oh why, oh why..." Not having Aspergers does not mean to have no problems. NT friends died because of alcoholism, NT sisters lifes is dominated by asthma and allergies... Do I personally have probs because of my Aspergers? Yes. Are the problems that big, that they make my life completely miserable, so that I cant enjoy a single minute of it? Nope.

Your aspie-ness might make your kids a little temporarily weird. Refusing to interact with them will make them very permanently weird. You may as well enjoy them and let them enjoy you. If they're NT, they'll figure out the social stuff on their own. If they're not, they'll need a positive aspie role model to show them how to be comfortable with themselves while still working on things. It isn't your job to be perfect. June Cleaver isn't a real person, and I guarantee you all those polished-looking NT moms who smile and nod and host swim parties do some f-ed up stuff when no one's looking.

It seems like a number of these NT moms and other women do some f-ed up stuff to each other. Why? Why can't they simply just fix the problem and work together to get solutions. I don't get it. What is the equation for this? I am a man so does my gender influence my neurology to where I'm mind blocked from understanding this stuff?

cubedemon: it's because people are social and competitive and worried about their children.

I can't tell what exactly BuyerBeware is worried about, here, because she's pretty vague, but I don't want to press her about it. But it does seem like much of the response is "you're imagining a problem", while she's there saying, "no, you're not listening, there's a problem". So maybe respecting her and helping her deal with the problems she sees is the thing to do, no?

The thing with not interacting with the rest of the children's world, yes, that's a real issue, because the parents are the link to the social world for kids. But it's a job that can, to a large degree, be outsourced. If their dad can do it, that's great; if not, he'll need to get help, and if your kids' schools have good guidance/counseling programs, I'd recommend he talk with the guidance counselor and explain the problem, and ask whether there are moms who'll volunteer to help out -- make sure your kids are included socially and invited to parties, make sure other parents are asking after them, noticing their accomplishments, keeping you and your husband informed of activities and opportunities, all that sort of thing. It really does make a difference for the kids. (I can play the mom game to a point, but I just don't have time anymore; have to make a living. Other moms I don't even know very well have really stepped in to make sure my daughter feels like part of the gang, and it's a huge thing.)

Beyond that, as far as interaction goes...I can only guess at what you mean by that, but I can think of a number of work-arounds. When it comes to taking things too far (oh boy, did my dad do that), empower your kids. Teach them a safe word, tell them you understand you go way too far sometimes, it's not your fault but you don't want to hurt them, either, and that if you're carrying something you think is funny or interesting way too far, they should just say, "Mom, pineapple" or whatever, and then you know to STOP. Even if you think they shouldn't be offended or you're doing nothing wrong, just stop. (Being kids, of course, they'll be wildly tempted to misuse that, so your husband's going to have to impress upon them that it's not something to play games with, not if they want this to work.) Even little kids can do this -- "using their words" can be a powerful thing. If you read back through the "parent with aspergers" thread, one thing that stands out is how the family just had no control over what the parent was doing, and the kids would have to sit there and take being lectured or teased. Give the kids some control. It's a good lesson for later in life, too.

The other thing that hits me is that you talk about having had fun. You're still that person, even if you've seen or know some other things now. Maybe if you can get some help with the spots where you know you need some help, and can stop worrying so much about damaging your kids, fun can return.

Women view each other as competition for power. A man's power has traditionally come from his physical strength, wealth, or political standing. Men compete with one another on those terms. A woman's power traditionally comes from her attractiveness and social standing, which is why women compete with one another to be pretty and popular. Being physically smaller than men, women have also learned (I'm talking from an evolutionary standpoint here) to use subtlety and manipulation to get what they want. So, you end up with a lot of women back-stabbing each other in order to climb to the top of the social heap, a position which provides them and their children with safety and opportunity.
I probably couldn't say these things for PC reasons if I was a man.

I think I know what you are talking about and NT dads do it, too just in less Byzantine ways.

Men are usually more direct, and more obvious. They mainly just brag, where women have a mix of bragging and more passive methods. Often b/c bragging is easier to recognize on a conscious level, it is easier to dismiss and doesn't seem to hit at the self esteem as badly, although, I could be wrong as I am not male and don't get that end of it. It may just seem less awful to me b/c I am female and male competitiveness is not generally directed my way. The competition seems to worse intra-gender.

Are we discussing mommy wars now? I have seen parents judge each other harshly. I think there are two groups of parents.

Group A. This group feel bad about themselves as parents so they make themselves feel better by judging another parent for a worse situation they are in. These parents tend to act like they are perfect and can do no wrong and act all holier than thou and they decide what mistakes are okay to do and what mistakes are not okay and those are the mistakes they have never made themselves so therefore it's not okay for those other parents to make those mistakes. These parents can also be parents that don't even want to think it could happen to them and they could end up in that situation as well so they continue to judge harshly.

Group B. These parents will be sympathetic and relate to other parents and share their own personal experience to help the parent feel better about themselves.


But sometimes parents piss me off with their holier than thou attitudes. I always love it when I hear how karma hits them so now they are not as judgmental about other parents about something. It takes balls to admit how judgmental you used to be and then it happened to you so now you're not anymore. My mom told me some people are too embarrassed when they find out how wrong they were. I think those would be the type of parents to not even admit how they were once judgmental about something.

Yes, I've seen this and I've seen non-dads do this as well. The thing is though I have no desire to compete or play this game. I just simply want to live and enjoy my life, maybe by reading, creating programs, writing, etc. I want to understand more about existence and life itself. I want to just relax on the beach, feel the sand between my toes, and swim. Why can't we all just work together in a synergistic harmony?

Are we just animals or are we more than just flesh and blood. I would like us to think we are more and we have a spirit and a soul. It's like both men and women want to stick to their animalistic nature and don't care to even know what is beyond. Why? Why is this?

Why do these mommies do all of this nonsense? Why can't they work together and put their thoughts and beliefs together into a synergistic harmony? I'm using figurative language here. Look at the components of a non-digital clock? It has different parts like gears that work together to achieve an outcome which is telling time. When you see it as a whole system, it's like every part wants to do its' own thing in this absolute way and the whole clock starts malfunctioning.

Why do we as a society value competition so much as a virtue? How is competition always a virtue?

I think many people view most scenarios as zero-sum games. For person A to win, person B most lose.

There are some scenarios where this is objectively true. If there are finite resources, and no growth possible, then if one person consumes it all then there is none left for others. If someone takes half, only half remains.

There are scenarios where this scarcity is psychological as opposed to concrete.

For "popular" to mean anything, someone has to be labeled as "unpopular." Without ugliness, what is beauty? For there to be a "true" winner, everyone can't get a trophy. Someone has to lose for victory to mean something.

**I am not saying this is a mind-set to emulate, I am only giving my explanation of why this is. Most people find games with no winners and no losers to be dull. Some people look at life as a game. That said, I play one-player RPGs where I complete the qjuests when I get around to it, so what do I know?

I love the RPG as well and I love games like SimCity. I don't look at life like most people. There was an old bumper sticker that said something along the lines of "In the end, the winner gets the prize." When we all die and become dust then what is the prize? What do we win in the end? The outcome of all people who have ever lived was the same: Death. All of these alpha males who were on top during different time periods are all dead now just like those who were on the bottom. When I look at the totality of it all, I ask what is the point? What is the point of life if one can't truthfully live? It all seems just so absurd.

Why play a pointless game in which we all will eventually lose? It is just so pointless.