Raised by Aspergers parent

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Should we get some of this split into a separate topic?

Thanks for the input.

I really do want to believe that "sane" and "healthy" matter more than "accurate" and "correct."

Inside myself, I'm pretty sure that there aren't actually a whole lot of truly "accurate" and "correct" theories about parenting. Other than, "It's not a good idea to beat your kids bloody" and "Don't let anyone molest your kid" and "They need to eat a variety of healthy foods" and basic things like that.

Otherwise the conventional wisdom wouldn't change every half a generation.

It is, however, certainly true that the world is full of people-- including people who matter, like grandparents and the other parent-- who will tell you that you are irreparably messing them up by doing whatever you're doing that's not 100% textbook approved (that's what we're running into-- I'm sitting here wondering these things because my husband and I had a multiple-day screaming argument over what kind of person I am, and how I parent, and a whole bunch of other stuff, that he now swears wasn't over that stuff at all).

I know I was mighty embarrassed of my father (and bloody ashamed of my similarity to him) when I was a young Aspie. Now that I'm older, though-- Well, not so much. Now that I'm older, I see all the things he did RIGHT. At least, right for me.

I too have had therapists tell me that the open relationship Saint Alan and I enjoyed was probably a MAJOR protective factor in how I turned out. It makes sense to me. But-- that's me. I'm a person with Asperger's. So I have to take into account that my point of view may be so warped it's worthless.

I have one other piece of data to toss out there. My maternal grandparents did the "Try not to act like an Aspie" routine. Like, to the degree that that Disney movie, "Frozen," could be their life story. "Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show."

NEITHER of their daughters turned out to be real happy or healthy or sane. Not the younger one (my mother), who was definitely NT. And not the older one, my aunt, who I realized on her last visit (she comes to visit about once every three to five years) is almost certainly an Aspie (no, all those years of listening to Grandma tell me how difficult she was to raise and how unsettling it was that she wouldn't make eye contact really DID NOT tip me off).

They did turn out more "normal," which I assume is why it never occurred to me until we were standing in a parking lot smoking cigarettes and talking about feelings while very studiously NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT that she might be an Aspie. But they DID NOT turn out happier, or healthier, or for that matter more functional.

And, for all she might have no trouble joining a country club and holding a job, I hope my adult kids come home more often than my aunt's adult kids do. Like, A LOT more often.

This should probably be A COUPLE of separate topics.

Mommy Wars are a topic in their own right.

And this isn't the appropriate thread for Aspie parents to agonize over whether they're screwing their kids up just by breathing (no matter how much it might bring up the issue).

This is THE ONLY SAFE PLACE that NTs have on this forum to talk about the resultant issues they have from having Aspie parents, and I'm stepping all over it again.

Although that DOES beg the question-- has their been anyone, ever, who didn't get some kind of issues from being raised by the particular parents they were raised by????

Hi All,
I came on this blog last Oct/Nov and abandoned it in frustration. I was curious to see what had developed in the thread since then, and seeing the discussion is relatively fresh I thought I'd stick my nose in again!

Buyer Beware - I'm glad you comment! I can see you are frustrated at times, but from my perspective you work hard to be aware of what you say, and you do try to observe and understand others. Take credit for that

I've spent the last few months letting what I've learnt sink in. I also had an unexpected interaction with one of my Mum's brothers ( 11 kids -7 girls, 4 boys). My mums family live in another state so I rarely see them, but my uncle was over visiting after his wife's death. I found out one of his grandsons has Aspergers, and my aunt who was a trained Psychologist had told my uncle she believed he had Aspergers too. Our 3 hour conversation with him had me thinking, as I'd been more inclined to see my fathers traits as ASD, more so than my mothers (I'd assumed alexithymia,) It's all so complicated! My aunt and uncle were married for 40 years. They made it work, and raised 4 kids - it is possible. My parents raised 4 kids, I'm the one who has the biggest issues with them. And maybe the biggest factors in that are that I'm a girl who needed an emotionally available mother, and didn't get one.

Hrmph.

It's a lot easier to be careful of what you say, and how you say it, on the Internet than it is moment-to-moment IRL.

What I've generally believed is that everyone makes stupid comments, miscues and misunderstandings; when you find one, you apologize for it and clean it up. Of course, sometimes you get the opportunity, sometimes you don't.

I find that it's easier to be emotionally available if I'm NOT trying to watch every word, every inflection, et cetera et cetera all the time.

I don't know what's worse. To be cold and distant, or to have a semipermanent toejam sandwich.

I know that I had a much better relationship with Daddy and his taste for toejam than I did with my very, very careful grandfather (I also note that Daddy didn't make any visits to the inpatient psych unit, while Grandpa made a few). I had a better relationship with Daddy than either of Grandpa's daughters had with him. I think my stepmom was happier with Daddy than Grandma was with Grandpa (though I note she certainly looks forward to spending an eternity together-- I guess you get used to anything).

Hard to base any decisions on that, though, because I have my experience as an ASD kid. Whether fortunately or otherwise, it looks like I'm raising 3 NT daughters and an ADHD son. This is one of the few occasions in life when I've wished my natural mother was living so I could pick her brain on what sort of father she would have rather had.

I know I'm happier not walking on eggshells around my kids; conventional wisdom says that, within the bounds of reason anyway, happier parents are more likely to raise happier kids.

Seems rather important subject matter for, "I don't know; it seems as if no one really knows" to have to suffice.

Glad, LMP, that you've found at least some measure of peace with the situation.

Having to live your life being eaten up by the people you have to call family certainly sucks.