Raised by Aspergers parent

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hello

things.
I'm new here, and I'd like to write to discuss stuff from my family background.

I realise this is a controversial thread for obvious reasons, but I would like to able to understand my parents better in a place where others have similar experiences.

One of the things that makes this difficult is that my parents, as well as other people in my family, don't like to tallk about personal things. they only talk about politics. Liberal / left wing stuff is good. everything else is bad.

This is especially so with my mother, who would def get an autism diagnosis if she was young today ( she's neally 80 )

my Dad I'm not so sure about. He has some aspie traits with the meltdowns, collecting, good at his academic job but different at home, hopeless with practial things. On the other hand these were things that are common to lots of males of his generation. And he doesn't have the sensory stuff that my mother has - sensitivity to noise and smell - and he is able to make social chit chat as long as it's not about personal stuff.

But the person who suffeerd most was def my AS brother. they made him a scapegoat for everything and he hasn't sen them for 30 years. Although he is also totally into politics and can't discuss any personal stuff either.

My Mum can't watch most stuff on TV because she doesn't understand that there is a difference between someone being killed on the telly and someone being killed in real life. And anyway she'll talk all the way through and ask philosophical questions when others are watching.

I'd really like to hear from someone else who grew up in a similar "politics before people" family

looouie, I have an aunt who displays symptoms of ASD and talks about the "end of days" a lot. It seems to be her favorite topic, though I don't think she attends any church. Two of her brothers were also self-proclaimed preachers. I guess, for that branch of my family, end-time religious discussion is like politics is to your family.

By "politics over people" are you referring to preferring to talk about politics vs. talking about people or do you mean letting politics get in the way of relationships?

My dad (undiagnosed aspie) had a mangled misquote that he liked to repeat occasionally that went as follows: (I know it is a bad misquote of the original)

People with low intelligence talk about things.
People with average intelligence talk about people.
Smart people talk about ideas.

Anyway, despite it being a misquote/different meaning I agree with it for the most part. myself. Parts of politics fall under the idea category although some of it falls in the people category. I don't think it is unusual for aspies to prefer talking about philosophy or political economy or really anything over what might be perceived as trivial gossip.

Also, aspies tend to have special interests. The aspies in my family are pretty diversified with our special interests, meaning each of us tend to have multiple special interests. If an aspie has only one special interest it can tend to dominate in a different kind of way than if one has multiple ones. Not necessarily more or less annoying to others, but b.c of the extreme focus can be very overwhelming and might be more likely to reach into the fanatical type.

That said my unofficially diagnosed, but technically undiagnosed aspie self is on the opposite part of the political spectrum than my aspie-light husband and we manage it fine.

There are also plenty of presumably NT people that become political fanatics as well. In fact there is a woman on an anti-aspie website I won't name who is presumably NT and has basically disowned her own son for his political views. If you look around at the various news and politics sites, you will see some pretty harsh talk. I don't know how these people interract with family who have opposing views but it probably is not pretty.

In my mind, there are fanatics of all kinds, but aspies probably manage it in different ways and are like that for different reasons. On the one hand you have aspie rigidity, special interest focus and lack of theory of mind for opposing views. On the other you have the NT side which can view politics as an aspect of culture and family and as something that loved ones ought to share as a loyalty/people-sticking-with-their-own type of thing. I think any kind of fanaticism is probably counter productive.

Helloo.
I just recently joined this community specifically for this forum. Right now I'm a teen, and I believe my dad is an undiagnosed aspie. I know posts on here can be controversial, but this is my experience (it's a long rant, buckle up).
My mom has no trace of Aspergers. When she met my father, she told me he was a some what normal guy, and now that it is 18 years later, there are some things that she should've realized weren't normal. At their wedding, when my grandfather was dancing with my mother, he whispered in her ear, "I hope you're a very patient woman." When my mother finally became pregnant with my twin brother and I, she said things started to roll down hill. I've read about other aspies doing this, not being able to handle the stress that comes with having a child. My mother has endometriosis, and it was very hard for her to get pregnant, she had 13 failed pregnancies before us. She says that it was a hard pregnancy, and that my father didn't know how to handle it. They had just moved into a new house, and even after the doctors told her she must stay in bed at all times, my dad told her that he had to go down to visit his father for the weekend, it wasn't even an urgent visit. That week her blood pressure was so high they admitted her to the hospital with preeclampsia.

If I could make a list this would describe my dad:
- Hypocritical (it's fine when he leaves his glass on the table after a meal, but not okay if I forget to wash mine out)
- Obsessive (He's obsessed with his work, his health regimes, and his little hobbies like skiing and swimming)
- Selective hearing (Talk to him during the day and 9 times out of 10 he wont hear you, or he'll talk over you. Make one noise when he's trying to fall asleep and you'll regret it)
- Forgetful (There are friends I've known for years that he wouldn't be able to name. He forgets about events, details, etc., he forgot to come to my kindergarten graduation and blamed my mom for not reminding him when she had)
- Unable to read emotions/emotionless (You could be close to tears in front of him and he wouldn't know anything was wrong. Even if he did, he wouldn't know how to handle it. He can also make you feel bad with out realizing it. He makes plenty of money,but he has trained me to feel bad about buying a five dollar t-shirt).

My dad is just an awkward person in general. He's tone deaf, and has weird faces, gestures, and posture. I find it embarrassing to go out in public with him or bring him to go public gatherings. My mom and I would get emails about our schools "father daughter" dances and I would tell her to just delete them, I didn't even feel connected with him enough to go. When he does try to hug me, I usually avoid it. I know I shouldn't, but I don't feel any love when he does.
He says he wants us to be the best we can be, but never puts any effort in. Instead of taking us to learn to play t-ball with the other kids, he would say he was busy with work. My neighbor ended up teaching me how to catch and hit and ball with my mom. When I tried to get involved with organized sports by my self, he would end up praising the best children on my team. I ended up quitting every sport I took up except for track. I never had high self esteem, and I told my mom that it was just because I was't competitive, but in the end I realized that it was because I thought I wasn't good enough. Now that I regret quitting sports, my dad puts blame on me for not committing, and said that there was still time to pick up a sport when I was in high school and the other kids had been doing it since kindergarten.
There are the fights in the house between my mother and my father, and occasionally my brother and my dad, or my dad and I. We tell my mom that its no use fighting with him, because none of us will ever be able to get through to him. She knows that, but theres a part of my mom that never gives up. She just wants the best for my brother and I.

I believe that my grandfather has AS as well, and I am scared that my children will have it. I've never particularly enjoyed the summer visits to my grandfathers. They're dull, and you never feel like you're wanted there, like he can't wait for the visit to be over. It's been mentioned that he only has the family over because my step grandma wants him to have a relationship with us. My father's side of the family is like a facade, everything is hush hush. I enjoy my mom's family a lot more, I love each and every one of them, and my mom made sure we have a relationship with everyone that was close to her.
My mom has shared the stories of her life before my father, and let me tell you, she had quite the life. She was thin, adventurous, and the life of the party. Ask anyone who knew her before her marriage. Now, she is stressed, overweight, unhealthy, and trying desperately to raise my brother and I to be good people. Raising kids with her aspie partner is like raising kids alone. My brother and I are extremely close with my mother, and sometimes I feel bad for being the reason she is stuck in this awful marriage, but she says that without my father, she wouldn't have us, and she wouldn't trade us for anything. I worry that her health will get worse if she stays in this marriage, but if she gets a divorce, that means weekends with our father, and us probably living in poverty since my mother never really got a proper education. She has said that she got by perfectly fine by her self, but with two teens it is a different story. There's only a couple more years until college, and I know she'll leave him after that, but I know that he is killing her. Sometimes I envy my friends parents, and I wish that my friends could see how grateful they should be for having two parents that love each other. My mother makes up for all the loving, I know that she loves us so much that it covers up for our dad not being able to express his love for my brother and I. I day dream about going to college, just getting out of the house and away from the mayhem that my father created, but then I realized that I'd miss my mom just as much as I'd enjoy getting away from the craziness and feel bad about wanting to leave so far before college. I just needed to know that at least one person has gotten through a childhood with an aspie parent like mine somewhat alright. I don't believe I will have a relationship with my dad after college, how have any of you dealt with it?

My father really struggled to connect to us as children. I recognize that part of your post.

My mother was always the warm and cozy one.

But, in the end, they are both part of who I became.

My mom simply has no inclination towards depression, so while she would get awful headaches when things were stressful, there were no other manifestations. And my dad was really loving towards her when she got headaches; it was something he could understand and had an action plan for (get her to bed, hush the children).

At your age, I really worried about their marriage. But, in my parent's case, it got better. My dad had his strong points. Just, well, I guess he was never really cut out for family life, although he certainly loved us and would have moved heaven and earth for us if he had seen us in true distress in a way he understood. He ended up making a really good grandfather to my son, although my daughter never got to see much of the real him because he had a stroke shortly before she was born. I knew what his strengths were and would basically set up the interactions with the kids so that they were always centered on things he did well and could interact well over.

I always felt I finally got to understand my dad when I bought a house and he came over to help me build a new fireplace mantel that I wanted to build. He needed to connect over a shared activity; it was the only way he knew how. That isn't unusual for men from his generation, and probably extra important for ASD men. And, well, having a son diagnosed ASD sent off a lot of light bulbs in my head, and answered pretty much all the questions I had left. For me, everything changed when I started to understand. When I saw HIS pain.

Anyway. Things don't have to stay the way they are now in your family. One thing I wondered as I read your post was what was it that connected your parents in the first place, what made them want to get married. Is that something that could come back into their lives?

I also encourage you to try to connect with your father and his side of the family via the types of activities you know they like, and that focus on their strengths. Maybe not today; it isn't the way of people your age to connect to parents, since becoming adults requires separating; but maybe in a few years. I think you could regret it if you never do that.

I do remember feelings that were a milder version of what you've expressed, and I didn't think I could ever love my father. But ... well, I am glad that divide did eventually get crossed. No one stays with us forever, and at that point your main solace comes from knowing you did everything you could, and that you did finally connect in a real way.

Going away to school and starting your own life will be good things. Time and distance are sometimes exactly what we need. That was most certainly true for me.

I do apologize if this doesn't come across as empathetic as I feel. There is a lot of distance from when I was in shoes like yours to my life today, and my father passed away years ago. It is kind of hard to dig back into all those old feelings and consider what the relationship was like in my youth; right now, I just miss him.

Divergent, you're lucky. I have 2 autistic parents and one of them has serious mental health problems on top of that. At least you've got one parent who will look after you.

I coped by leaving home as soon as I could and never went back.

I would like to know my extended family, but my parents haven't kept in touch with them and I feel like I don't know them now. They are like strangers to me. And then if I do go and visit I will inevitably need to explain my parent's behaviour. I cope by avoiding anyone that knows my parents.

I think I am coping by putting my head in the sand.

I too am scared of having children. I have 2 parents that are like children, so if I had kids I don't know how I would cope with my parents and my own children too. And what if one of them had a personality disorder like the parent who has bpd? How in the world would I cope with that?

I can explain "politics overpersonal information," maybe. This was, and still is, THE RULE in my extended family. Daddy and I could talk about ANYTHING. The rule with my uncle and cousins (no autism that I know.of, but plenty of PTSD) is chitchat, music, and politics. Always agree. DO NOT discuss personal problems. Emotions are strictly verbotten. They will either mock you or just get up and walk away.

I think it is because those things (politics, current events) are interesting but outside. When you.talk about them, you yet to be the judge, but you are not putting yourself (your problems, mistakes, feelings,.weaknesses) out there where it can be seen and either judged or remembered and used against you.

I end up being the "safe" on ein my family. I cannot judge because I am stupid, crazy, ret*d, and broken. If I throw out a judgment, they can throw back a worse one instead of taking it to heart. I am the weakest link, so if they have to show weakness I am the one they call.

It makes.them too uncomfortable to see me, or anyon else, do it though. When grandma died, it was almost comical. For a week, I ran from one private "breakdown encounter" to the next,.with each person then pretending it hd not happened. Cooking and cleaning and chasing kids in between.

It was... odd. Our normal, but odd.

It took me years to learn that the.provblem was as.much them as me. Years in which I saw them rarely, and moved 1000 miles.away. I had to find and be semi OK with me before I could be OKish with them.

I hope.that is somehow useful.


Divergent and hurtloam--- HUGS. Just HUGS. I dont have anything else.to offer you right now.

Wow... having just found out my 4 year old son has asd, spending the evening here has made me so SURE of my suspicsion that my father has also... that's cleared a lot up...

Life was really tough with him growing up.... often desperate for my mum to seperate from him.... he was so petty and I felt like Mum was a bit of a doormat a lot of the time.... most of the time... still do!! He was forever correcting the way we spoke, or ate... or walked.. sometimes felt we could do nothing right. Always stood up for my mum as she's had so much to deal with... but she seemed to just take it. Feel so sad for her as she has such a love of life and now that they are both retired she seems to just revolve her life around him. It makes me sad that my son may become like him... that it's just genetics! ... they are so similar and Dad always comments on how my son reminds him of himself as a child (he knows nothing about asd diagnosis).

I'm 100 (well 95)% NT and feel that growing up with my father has made many things difficult for me... it has without a doubt damaged my self confidence. As a short sighted child he wouldn't allow me to wear glasses as he said they made me look ugly.... being told I'd never be anyone worth anything when I didn't pass my 11 plus exam... so little emotional connection... too concerned with teching me table manners and about motzart... I could go on and on and on.......

.... but .... now Im in my late 30s, even before I suspected asd... or knew anthing about it... things are better... there are many fantastic qualities to my dad. He may be terrible with trivial matters and too concerned with things that are really not a big deal, wrapped up in himself... (when my daughter has a meningitis scare.. it was suddenly all about him and how he'd had all those symptoms and actually he was getting chest pains o top of it.... always something but seemed unconcerned about her.. I'm sure he wasn't) but when it comes to a real crisis (hmmm actually I suppose that was) he is amazing and so supportive.... it's like he finally sees a way he can really help his family and he really does.. to the point I feel awful about the things I have felt/ said in the past. He is the best judge of character of anyone I know and can tell in an instant when someone is lying. despite his flaws he's a lovely/ but quirky man! I know he'll have my back in whatever I do, he just doesn't know how to express that very well.

i guess i just have eventually adapted to him and his 'ways'. an example is that now when anyone in the family gives him a present we always say ' remember, if you don't like it... you need to just lie and pretend you do so you don't hurt our feelings' It;s become a running joke and he now always goes over ther top about how wonderful the present is and he'll use it every day and always treasure it .... and I can laugh off comments... such as.. 'you're not looking as fat as the last time I saw you'!

at the end of the day..... he's my Dad.. I love him to bits... the whole family does (although he drives us all mad) and I know he loves me, despite everything... and that's all that really matters. Any family has issues, many of those you can do nothing about... you just have to find a way to make things work and accept each other for who you are. You only have one life and one set of parents so whatever you've been delt, I say... just work with it!!

I want to reinforce ASDMommy's point: your son does not have to be just like your dad, at least not in the ways that might make him difficult to live with.

If your father is ASD, he had to figure out the social norms (or fail miserably at it) pretty much on his own. No one knew to break it down for him, or how to break it down for him. Same with all the "why's" as to things people do, and all the reasons for not saying everything you think. But by knowing your son is ASD, you have a chance to present these concepts in a way your son might actually understand and buy into. Knowing changes everything.

Your son is also less likely to experience many of the frustrations your father would have, and thus grow up with a different concept of what life is about, and how A plays into B.

Mostly, remember your son is a unique individual and deserves to be loved and cherished as such. Nothing is a foregone conclusion; everything is a work-in-progress.

Good luck!

*bump*

I'm bumping this up where my husband can find it, because I'd like him to see some other peoples' experiences.

Because I'm reading a lot about people who were profoundly hurt by having parents like my grandpa, who were careful all the time.

And not a lot about people who were hurt by having parents like my dad, who was warm and open and just happened to be outspoken, annoying, and embarrassing.

Because I HATE being careful all the time, and staying on my kids to be careful all the time. It's robbing my joy in my family-- I don't want to be here any more. If it were just me, well, I don't know-- but the kids don't want to be around any more either. It's hurting them too.

I am never going to be a shiny perfect mother. Should not have had kids. But it's too late for that now-- they're here, and now it's about figuring out what kind of broken mother is going to do the smallest and most acceptable amount of damage while leaving the largest amount of good feelings and happy memories to balance that out.

BuyerBeware - you are not broken. You aren't. And if you're reading this thinking, "you don't know me, I'm effed up like this, this, this..." , just know that everyone could run through all of their shortcomings/issues, if they were introspective enough to do it. And that gets to the crutch of my point - you ARE introspective, and kind, and loving, and smart, and protective. You are not broken; you are human. You are enough, just the way you are. Maybe you just need to shrug off someone else's expectations, and just continue to be the kind of you that you can live with. I don't know, but I wanted to send you ((hugs)) and let you know that from what little I know about you, I think you're awesome and I respect you immensely!

jojo--

Your son does not have to grow up to be just like your father. We're not all alike; it seems as if those of us who turn out to be petty and critical are those of us who first learn to treat ourselves that way.

My grandfather was that way. His wife and his daughters could do almost no right. It was all about appearances; all about what people would think. Why?? Because the first person he treated that way was himself. He grew up with an abusive mother, and a bunch of unkind siblings, under the watchful eye of the American eugenics movement back in the early 20th century. By the time I was growing up, he took a lot of tranquilizers and was mostly silent, but I still caught a pretty good dose of "Fit in or you will be of no value."

It actually took me years, and a lot of reading literature and analyzing my grandmother's comments, to realize that he had Asperger's. Asperger's wasn't the cause of his behavior. The iron fist that he beat himself with, daily, to keep his "terrible secret" under wraps was the cause of his behavior. He died a miserable man; although people speak well of him, I don't think anyone is really sorry he's gone.

I knew my dad had it as soon as I read about it. He made social mistakes. He talked too much, and laughed too loud, and showed his feelings too freely. hHe was smart, but people always said he was stupid. Anyone could put anything over on him. Most of the family didn't like to be seen in public with him because he could be very childlike in showing his enthusiasm. Loudly, at great length. He was relentlessly practical-- it didn't matter that we lived in the boonies, with a view that God would have killed for; windows let heat out and cold in, so we had small windows. When I needed glasses, it didn't matter that I had a flat chest, and braces, and it was going to be just one more thing for people to make fun of me over: I could not see the chalkboard, therefore I got glasses. End of line.

HE HAD NO CLUE THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM. When people said nasty things about him, he rolled a joint and laughed like a ret*d epileptic hyena and said, "Well, I'm me. I ain't hurtin' nobody. f**k 'em if they can't take a joke." And he was tolerant, and open, and supportive, and patient, and all the things people keep saying people with autism aren't. He died with getting his wife home from the nursing home being the only thing standing between him and being a happy man, and everyone who knew him would gladly give up a few appendages if it meant having him back.

Me?? I have both sides. I grew up with Grandma chasing me around wailing, "Don't do that! That's what ret*d kids do!! Do you want people to think you're ret*d??" I also had "benefit" of "social skills training" as an adult (Hint: The "training" involved taking a lot of powerful drugs and sitting in a room practicing saying "I'm fine, thanks. And you??" Regardless of the fact that I was suicidal and needed help dealing with some really big stuff. And the people who did it have been divested of their licenses amid a disability fraud scandal.) There's half of me that hates myself with a purple passion, and spends every waking moment scanning every action for any sign of autism before it is permitted. That same side of me can be pretty unkind to my kids, if I let it get that far.

I also grew up with my father. If I let myself, I can be that kind of autistic too. My husband is always telling me to "Shhhhh!" when we're in public. My mother-in-law talks to that person in a preachy school-teacher voice. People roll their eyes at that person. That person laughs a lot more, and scolds a lot less, and has kids that want to talk to her (even if the adolescent yells, "You are SO WIERD!! !" a lot when her friends are over-- hey, at least she BRINGS HER FRIENDS OVER!! !).

In short, don't let your son grow up hating himself for the way he is. Don't criticize him constantly, or let anyone stand over him nagging him to "not be autistic." Teach him not to let his anxiety get the better of him all the time (what happened to your dad-- he heard a list of symptoms and got scared; it had everything to do with anxiety and nothing to do with attention). If he never develops that poisonous critic, he might be odd, but he won't be, you know, LIKE THAT.

I don't see too many people on here complaining that their parents told too many dirty jokes, or talked liberal politics with their childhood best friend's ultraconservative parents, or made an ass of themselves at Six Flags that one summer. I don't see too many people saying they were scarred for life by their father's tendency to bang his head on the table when he was really upset, or to raise his voice too quickly and apologize just as quickly, or to think that plaid flannels and striped t-shirts looked "dapper" with rainbow suspenders, bright-red Converse high-tops, and a pillowtick hat (yes, my father really did show up at my high school graduation in exactly that get-up; I have a wedding photo of him walking me down the aisle in jeans and a plaid shirt, with a tatty gray sweater covering up stars-and-stripes suspenders). I don't see too many people saying they were seriously damaged by their mother's obsession with Civil War battlefields, canning local produce, pioneer homesteading, and survival gardening either.

I see A LOT of people saying that they were permanently screwed by a parent who had The Critic going full-bore on everyone all the time...

...and people generally don't treat other people that way unless the first thing they do when they get out of bed in the morning is turn that treatment on themselves.