Raised by Aspergers parent

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I’m 15 years old and my dad has Aspergers. I personally find it extremely difficult growing up with a parent with Aspergers. I’ve found that my dad doesn’t seem to realise that he and I are on different levels (parent and child) so he talks about all his extreme life problems in front of me and seems to expect me to solve them which has largely impacted on my anxiety. I remember when I was six, I had to pull him away from the edge of a bridge because he was going jump. I understand suicidal ideation and all as I am suicidal myself but recently I’ve been realising that most parents, no matter how suicidal, wouldn’t do it in front of their children and expect them to pick up the pieces. I feel like he hates me and thinks I’m an awful daughter because I don’t obey his every command. I’m a good kid, I get good grades, I’ve never done anything illegal, I stay out of trouble, so I get really depressed because I feel like no matter what I do it’s never going to be good enough for him

I feel like I never learned how to have friends because my parents didn't have friends. I still don't really know what is expected of me. If I mimick what other people do, well, that's nothing... I mean literally nothing. People don't really bother to get in touch with me. No one drops by. I have no idea what friends do. I have some acquaintances, but we've never gotten past awkward social niceties. I met up with a friend I've known for years, and still our conversation wasn't natural and easy. We never confide in each other. We are just acquaintances who meet from time to time.

Hello greysgirl and welcome to wrong planet. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your Dad. My biggest fear at 15 was that I would come home to find my Dad had killed himself, my Mum had left and he went through a hard time. He is actually NT and I'm the Asperger, but I think either way this is all really difficult for a 15 year old to cope with and I recommend you get some support for your own feelings, such as counseling. No, your Father should not be relying on you to be the strong one, it isn't fair. I think it's most likely that he is doing this because is wrongly assumes you can cope. He may be oblivious to your struggles and problems, he may not recognise unhappiness from your expressions for example. I recommend making them very clear to him, in words, not hints, no subtlety, be obvious.

I think it's unlikely he hates you. I am not selfish, but like a lot of Asperger's I am self-obsessed and often need other peoples problems and difficulties pointed out to me. Explanations of how I can help are good too. He expects you to obey him always even though you are 15, that is unrealistic of him and may be to do with not liking change, as in you are growing up, and a loss of control, which is also inevitable as you grow up. That said, you are going to grow up whether he likes it or not.

At the end of the day, you are the child and he is the parent and you are not responsible for him.

This is all completely on point.

My concern is, how are you going to talk to your father about these issues in a way that will be effective for both of you? If you have a counselor or therapist that understands ASD, it may be good to develop a discussion plan with them over a series of sessions, and then invite your father to join a session. At the session you would walk through the discussion plan and try to get him to understand how things have been for you.

If you do not have such resources, we might be able to help you develop a discussion plan here.

Don't bother yourself with your parents' problems. Their problems are not your responsibility. Focus on your own life and getting yourself to where you want to be in the world. You are 15 and adulthood might seem far away but you are currently on the runway to adulthood and now is the time to start getting things in order for college and your career.

I wish I could have back all the time I spent trying to please my dad. All the time I spent trying to connect with him. If I could have back the childhood I lost. My childhood was shadowed by my dad's ghostlike, hovering presence. I didn't understand him, and I don't think he understod me.

I was adopted at an early age. My dad worked a lot, so I spent most of time with my mom. She was loving but slightly absent. In retrospect she seemed bothered and anxious, but she was always there. I could be myself around her. She didn't fully understand this child that came from another mother, but she tried her best.

When my dad came home, things were strained. He was always exhausted after work, much more than normal people. When he would talk to me, it was like he was acting. He was playing "good dad", and he was a crappy actor. He had his script in his head of how things would unfold, and if you didn't answer his questions the way he expected, the mask would crack. He would be frustrated and hurt. It was always heartbreaking for me, because I wanted to be loved by daddy. And it was always my fault.

A couple of hours later he would act as if nothing had happened, never mentioning the incident again. I was sad and scared, and thought I'd better try harder next time to be a good boy.

And that is how things have been ever since. That dynamic has had an enormous impact on how my life evolved, and without having to go into details, it's been very negative and I have ended up in abusive relationships.
What I learnt eventually, is that his approval was not an indication of success in the real world. I got an education, a job and made good money. But since it wasn't what he expected (he had very specific plans for me), he can't seem to handle it. The day I got accepted at unversity he was happy for me, but 25 years later he still has to ask me what it was that I studied, and what I'm doing at work. And he talks about how good things would have been if I had followed his advice in life.

My dad has two modes in his life.
- Staring absently at the tv, half asleep. Communicating with him is this state, he seems surprised to be spoken too, and lost for words to reply with.
- Lecturing. He'll tell you about something he knows all about. In his case it's church history and the people who lived on his street when he was a kid.
He will switch between those two, with very little in between. Either he was there, or he was not. And one thing that really made my life miserable was his tendency to either demanding control of your life (despite knowing nothing about it), or to simply not give a f*ck. You'd never know which of these two was on the menu. It was simply different from day to day.

I have learnt about Aspergers and autism in the last couple of years, and realized my dad must be on the spectrum. Now I have great sympathy for him, but that's it. I love my mother very much.

I think my dad's story is very sad. He showed great promise in school (good with words and maths), and the family life and the jobs he was expected to deal with was way beyond his capacity. In his late 40s, he was spent both physically and mentally. He developed chronic pain, and due to lacking social skills and lacking flexibility, he lost his job. He never applied for another. He has a little basement where he has a little repair shop that has never turned a profit, and my mother supports him financially.

I know he tries, but he can't be like us. When I visit with my daughter, he showers her with love and affection (a little bit on theatrical side to be honest). But then he gets impatient and unpleasant because she eats a sandwhich the wrong way. It's one of those things. In my world, you are nice to the ones you love. Your allies get special treatment. You accept their flaws. That's how I show love. And when my dad does this, it limits the time I allow my daughter to get exposed to him, because what was hurtful to me as a kid is probably hurtful to her too. I know he can't help it, but that's sorts of his problem really.

My stomach's always been a mess, and I had my first heart attack at 46. I have a hard time not connecting that to the fear and unpredicability I grew up with.

My dad couldn't be all the things he was expected to be. He took on a load of responsibility that he couldn't carry. In many ways, he (and me in turns) was a victim of the notion that we're all the same, and if just shape up and get our s**t together. We're not. We're different.

This seems to have been a very active older thread that I didn't know about until now. I'm going to be reviewing it in greater detail because as an AS parent, from the little I did read, it scares me.

But as someone wrote in another thread, children who didn't have a problem with their aspie parent aren't likely to post about it the internet. Personally, I think awareness of who you are and what you are like, is the key to being a good parent. It wasn't nearly as easy back then (I grew up in the 70s and 80s), especially if you were high functioning.

I second your opinion. My father's rigid rituals often annoyed me when I was growing up but I find him a genuinely good man and this is what counts.
I don't know what my mother has been masking her whole life but it created a confusion quite similar to what wecanworkitout described... only she's a good actress so her behaviors are even more confusing.

Mine don't have diagnoses, but they have autism symptoms.

They say weird things and do wierd things

They had lil obsessions (special interest)

Age 21 , I got diagnosed Asperger's


But , UCSD required the diagnosis from a psychologist outside of UCSD and outside of Kaiser

Diagnosis $$$$



No testing accommodation





f**k UCSD

f**k Jacobs school of engineering

f**k structural engineering


f**k mister redelings

^That sucks

If it makes you feel better my husband thinks structural engineers get treated like the gutter of the construction industry - no credit when its due, only noticed when there is some thing to sue over - so no loss.

My son did get accommodations from the UC system because we filed all the paperwork immediately after he was admitted. He never needed or used extra time, but he did need to be able to type.

I'm sorry you have faced so many frustrations.

You'll find I've said earlier in this thread that I think modern awareness of ASD makes a HUGE difference to the quality of one's parenting. You cannot mitigate traits you are not aware are potentially negative traits. You mitigate ones you are aware of.

You'll see I've responded on this thread a LOT because it started back when I was a moderator here. I wanted to honor the poster's experiences but also remember that this is a place built FOR those with ASD, not a place to attack them. The thread dies; it comes back. It dies; it comes back. It has its own life for the few out there who search the topic in the title. I don't generally recommend our ASD members read this thread; it can be pretty rough, and you hopefully will realize that most of these parents had a mix of issues going on that, for the most part, the parents seemed to be completely unaware they had.

I am sad for your experience growing up, and that you and your father have never really been able to connect. I had a hard time connecting to my own father, as well, but I think in my case it had less to do with who he was than the fact we were just too different. As my mom has said, it happens.

I do think you've picked up a good amount of perspective. No two people are the same.

I have a daughter now that doesn't really like me. I hope she grows out of it as daughters often do, but I can't count on it. It makes me really sad. She can't see it but I did my best for her, and it breaks my heart to realize my best was not good enough, and that it may have permanently cost me her love. My love for her remains, but I hesitate now expressing it, because it makes her uncomfortable. Right now doing my best for her is stepping back and waiting to see if she will ever want to come to me.

If there is ASD in your family history, note that you could also have inherited a medical reason for your stomach being a mess. Look into food sensitivities, if you have not already.

When UCSD had the nerve to refuse me testing accommodation based on autism diagnosis, it was 2004. It is now 2019. Your son might have a different diagnosis or go to a different school. The manager couldbe different. Thus, your situation is different from mine.


My "frustrations" are not your fault.


When someone says "sorry" for things that are not their fault, then, when something is their fault, "sorry" is meaningless


Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, gender identity, 2012

If I were to have gotten a bachelor in four years. UCSD,. Structural engineer. It would have been 2005




So whatever.


Put the emphasis on the limiting reagent




My precious lil "parents" made me take the SAT in 7 th grade and start studying for it in 3rd grade


After four years of structural engineering, flunked out.

Now I only qualify for minimum wage , menial labor jobs that, drug dealers, convicted felons, and high school dropouts also qualify for


Restaurant retail sales



Sunk costs


Effort justification


And even though I applied for a lot of them jobs, nobody will hire me


Could not blame them


Because I have gotten canned a lot of times

Zero job skills

Autism, personality disorders



Homophobia

Only did I realise my mum could be on the spectrum - this was back in 2018.
She's unique to say the least. Has a mind of her own. Not afraid to speak her mind. Could care less what others think, as long as you believe in your own conviction.

Growing up, she praised creativity. I could sense she was different than other mums or parents. Our family dynamic was also a bit like walking on eggshells. Other families seemed to get along easily, they flowed, allowed each other some grace.

For much of my adult life I have been sorting through what is that social grace dance. Bob's mum was upset with him for spilling his brothers cup of milk. My mum would be upset because of a behavior I did, which I thought was good, and I tried to justify. But she dismissed that justification. I felt misunderstood. Wrongfully accused. And later, anger.

I've synthesized it to having not just high expectations, which are fine, but unrealistic. There were times where I felt I should have been cut some grace, but they came across as excuses to her. I overexplain things, she says.
For example, let's take weight loss. She believes if I wanted to lose weight, it's a mathematical equation: fewer calories in, more calories out (burned). If it were that easy, everyone who wanted to lose weight, could do it. Stop with the phrases, I'm told. I tell her yes I want to lose weight (even if it's just 10 lbs for me, a female at a relatively health weight already), but I tell her what I struggle with: emotional snacking, eating too much at once. "Calories in versus calories out," she repeats herself. She can't seem to grasp that weight loss is a different journey for everyone. Or perhaps she really wants me to succeed and believes that by drilling this in my head, I'll finally get it and act on it.
Once, I was craving a sweet drink, and wanted to reward myself with it. Of course she sees me drinking it and then later tells me all I eat is sugar. No I don't, I say, and she brings up the drink. It was a treat, I haven't been eating sugar constantly, i explain. There it goes. "Well if you were truly disciplined you wouldn't have sugar at all." Yes, but I'm doing what I feel is right for me," i say back. "You keep making excuses. No wonder you don't change."

These are the types of convos I have. Deep down, part of me yearns for someone who, like a mother, also cares, but can tailor their comments to me: "You had a sugar treat there, so be sure to eat clean tomorrow!" Or something like that. Or if I say, I struggle with emotional snacking, she might ask: What do you think is the next best step you can take? Or, yeah that's hard, but let's find a way you can start curbing it. Is way more supporting. Some of my friends even take offense at that kind of speak.

Then, I start doubt myself that maybe I just can't handle the blunt truth. But I really think I can. I do want to hear it. I know what I want. I have a hard time getting there, like others, or maybe just need time. Ask me in a month.
That's the unrealistic expectation. no period for grace, for error, it's all or nothing. Even when you know it's impossible.

I basically feel I raised myself, too. I had to learn social things, from friends and google. From tons of self reflection.
When we go out, I have to watch out for her, show her things like how to order coffee from Starbucks (she asked the barista, what's a latte?) and it's not the first time. When we go in parking garages and take the tickets she is always amazed at how I know this works and she wouldn't know what to do. Or the ettique of certain things.
She is really good at talking with business workers when she is a customer and getting what she wants. Businesses want to please her and she does ask pleasantly and clearly. She can anticipate things to her advantage.

So, the unrealistic expectations, black and white standards, and tendency to not validate - I'm sure is good hearted and all unintentional. The good part is she is truly herself; she doesn't know about autism and doesn't believe she has it. She is her. And that's awesome. but also, she can't fully see how she is coming across to me. And that's sad. And I have to continue raising myself. And that's sad too, because there is absolutely nobody else on this planet who is vested in my well being as hers.