KEYPREAL wrote:
When we want him to obey we usually try to reason with him or explain our judgment. The psychiatrist said this is acceptable for most children but for him it is very wrong. Because he feels he can get he's way by reasoning or negociating back, and when not successful at least provoke quarrel. So we have to make him realize that we demand for the sole reason that there is a natural hierarchy and he is on the bottom side. The adult doesn't have to justify his decison, explain it or even be fair... Though this may seem harsh it is a way for him to get used to the idea that he's a child and we're adults, which is pretty obvious for most kids. So if I say "sit next to me" and he say's "no, I'll sit next to mom", what I'd usually think is "ok, as long as you're sitting". Very bad message! He's had he's way, even if I think I got mine. So if for anyone out of context there may be no sense in this dispute, for me and him it's a confrontation to see who rules and I have to get him to sit on my first option with no conceding or yielding. Otherwise next time he will again try to argue or defy.
When I was young my mom tried this a few times and I argued with her about how illogical her reasoning was.
If she had persisted in the way your psychologist is recommending I would have believed her general reasoning ability was poor, and would have resented her actions and would have rebelled. Because she generally explained her reasoning to me and because I understood why she wanted things, I was more likely to comply. She has told me that I was a very easy child to deal with.
When my mom explained in detail actual reasons why she wanted something, I was more likely to agree with her reasoning and give her what she wanted, but if she had given me reasons which she had thought would be convincing to a child, those reasons would have seemed ridiculous to me.
Rather than saying "the bed might break," I would explain the way beds are built, why they may break, and how the child may get hurt if it does break(not just that a child may get hurt, but how said child may get hurt). If you go to a bed store, they may even have a cross-section of beds which can help the child see the parts of a bed and understand how they may be hurt if they jump on one.
Rather than making demands without explaining your reasons(which from your child's perspective will seem baseless and unreasonable), I would also consider surreptitiously doing whatever was possible to make sure that a child couldn't do what I didn't want them to do. It may sometimes be a good idea to do this even before asking them to alter their behavior. This is especially helpful if the behavior you want them to stop might get them hurt.
In this case, if the child continues even after being shown the inside of a bed, I would research ways to get them a bed without springs, like a memory foam mattress or a futon. The fun from jumping on a bed comes from springing back up after landing; without that springing back up, there would be no point to jump on a bed. If jumping on a bed is not fun, a child will choose not to jump on it.
Rather than say "If you jump on the bed I am going to have to replace it with a bed you can't jump on," which is a threat, if you explain some kind of real problem with the old bed, like it's worn out, and then ask the child to go shopping with you to a futon store or a memory foam bed store, it may even be possible to make the child think that a new bed is a great thing(and depending on the new bed it might actually be).
18 Jan 2010, 4:43 am
