Parents on the spectrum

Post Reply New Topic

yes its a challenge dealing with aspie, depression and then handling a child..
when the child grows up the pressure can be less and maybe we can relax a bit

I agree, it's very tough.

I find it much easier to communicate with other parents via email. Can you ask your child which kids he's most comfortable with in his class, and send a note explaining that you'd like to exchange email addresses in case you have questions about schoolwork? Does your son's school PTA have a Facebook page, a listserv, or a website? Often, information about activities is posted there.

Being isolated is very, very difficult. Try finding an Asperger's support group locally: a Meetup or something else; there are probably parents there who are going through the same thing where you can at least talk about it.

I can very much relate to your post. I just said to my husband the other day, "A few more years and I never, ever have to be social again, right?" My kids are now almost 12yo (twins). I am starting to look forward to the day when I can stop doing all the excruciating social things I push myself to do for their benefit, but we're not there yet. My answers below in bold.

You are definitely not alone in this. I am an introvert. My sons are introverts. My husband is a slightly more extroverted introvert, but expends all his social energy at work, and so it falls to my lot to be the family's social coordinator. The irony of this is staggering. It has been bloody hard at every step of the way. From forcing myself to go to mom & tot time at the local library and realizing that the only thing I had in common with the other women was a uterus, to the humiliating dealings with the disapproving first grade teacher, to my ill advised attempts to try to make other mom friends (one was a born again Christian trying to convert me, but my people-dar is so off it took me forever to figure this out!). Over the years I have forced myself to do all kinds of things that have terrified me, like hosting birthday parties and volunteering for field trips. I haven't learned to like the social stuff any better, although I have learned to be more relaxed and competent in certain situations, but I feel like I have given my sons the best opportunities I personally could to make and maintain friendships and to be as social as they want to be. And typing that I just got a big flood of guilt, because I know that my "best" is still way off of what most would consider enough social stimulation. Still, for who I am, I have done great, and in a few more years I am going to very gladly NEVER TALK TO ANYONE AGAIN. Slight exaggeration, but man, will it be a relief to be off the hook for the social stuff, at that point it'll be up to my sons to figure it out for themselves.

Anyway, sorry for being so long. I guess this pushed a button today. Tonight my son starts an Aspie games club, and I have to go and arrange things with the coordinator. I am dreading it, as usual. So I guess my advice in a nutshell, is push yourself as much as you can, and then forgive yourself for what you absolutely can't do. You are yourself and can push against your limitations but can't magically eliminate them. Be the best mom you can be, and your son will be fine.

I am an NT Introvert with some Aspergers tendencies. I've always found it hard to blend into crowds of moms at school or at neighbourhood functions. I do belong to some parents' groups that are easier for me.

Do you have an autism centre or support group near you? I find it much more comfortable to go there. I know several of the parents in the support group feel uncomfortable socializing, and say they feel better being there talking about their experiences with their children. Our centre offers playgroups and various programs for the children.

With my ASD daughter, I used to invite a friend over for a playdate and try to do something interesting with the kids, so that there wasn't too much unstructured socializing. I would take them to an indoor gym, a playground, a movie, the science centre, the clay café etc., whatever my own child was interested in. We still find that planning sleepovers is easier when we have a full schedule: movie (or video), outdoor play, set meal time. I let the parents know what their child will be doing when they arrive, and keep reminding my own daughter what comes next, so she won't get anxious.
J.

I hear a lot of Aspie parents on the forum talking about how much easier it is to understand their Aspie kids because they are also on the spectrum. Have any of you experienced any 'negative' or difficult aspects because you are so similar to your Aspie child?

My husband is not diagnosed, but I think he has a lot of Aspie traits, particularly the social difficulties. He doesn't do well with small talk, He can't read people's social cues. He still struggles with Theory of Mind aspects. Because of that, he is really terrible at communication. I think he may also have some residual 'Receptive Language' issues. Apparently, when he was young, he was put into some remedial learning class for a bit but he doesn't even remember why.

Where this creates problems between him/our son is with communication. My DH thinks he has communicated something well to our son but he hasn't--or he assumes our son 'knows' intuitively what he is wanting or saying. This creates great frustration for both. Also, when our DS is often trying to say something regarding his feelings--which, in spite of his great verbal skills, is often very difficult for him--he melts down because my DH just doesn't 'hear' what he is saying. I have actually witnessed it so many times and have had to 'interpret' what our son is wanting for my husband, because my husband cannot 'read' that a meltdown is coming or understand what our son might be 'meaning' by his words.

(Where he does 'get' our son is where they both connect--the ability to sit and build things for HOURS with Lego or something else. And simply talk about . . . building projects.)

Just curious if any of you experience this as well.

I have this happen, yes. My kids know that I do not "get" certain things they say, and they know that I probably never will. I guess they are patient with me for the most part, because they'll re-explain for me most of the time without getting mad. Once they or anyone gets mad or loud I can't process info. or communicate for all intents and purposes arguments make me disappear inside myself somewhere. I do not understand where the kids are coming from at all; but, I know that that is happening and I'm sort of ready for making adjustments. I don't think or I guess I try not to judge this when it happens because it's stressful. There is no way I could live with others who don't tolerate my situation/my abilities (I was going to say Aspergers but I don't have an official doctor stamp of diagnosis). I hope that part of experiencing all this means my kids learn, that they grow up to be tolerant of others but not bulldozed around by aggressive people. I can't teach them certain things by my behavior but I am open and honest in telling them of my known 'gaps'.
Hope this was what you were asking about?

I think this is a mother's skill. I was my son's interpreter for the first 5 years of his life 24/7, and since then, only as required. I thought it was because I was an aspie , maybe my skill for languages did help me decode and instinctively understand what I now know was MAJOR echolalia, bits and pieces from cartoons and ads...
But it could just be the fact that being his mother, primary carer, and spending 24 hours a day with him, I was there when he picked up the lines he did and understood them in context.
I just "know" when something doesn't make sense to him. Even as I speak, sometimes, I'll hear myself and realise "well, that makes no sense to him at all" and I'll rephrase.

Last edited by ediself on 20 Jan 2012, 6:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks for sharing your own experiences. Are your kids NT, mntn13? I guess I was thinking along the lines that since both my son/husband have such strong Aspie traits in regards to social/communication that it actually makes their communication with each other more difficult. Even more difficult than between my daughter and my husband, since she pretty much will just re-phrase stuff for them, or show them what she means, etc. . . . but being very social and NT, she is pretty good at that.

Right now my husband and I are trying to find ways to ease communication barriers between him/our son . . . this means emotion flashcards, flashcards requesting more time to think. It's funny . . . it's not that they can't speak or communicate, they just don't 'get it' or read each other well sometimes and the visual really helps!! You'd think having some of the same issues, it would make my DH MORE understanding of our son, but often it just makes him more frustrated than I. Love them both to pieces . . . just having to find some creative ways to ease the communication breakdowns between them!!

Ediself, I think it's true . . . typically the primary caregiver is the better 'reader' of their child. And, yes, I am my son's interpreter too! Have been for almost 5 years . . . funny, but my outgoing DD who is only 3 doesn't need that nearly as much. But she doesn't have the social/communication issues my son does. Doesn't matter that he had phenomenal vocabulary and complete sentences before he was 2 . . . he's never been good at give/take conversation or at expressing emotions/desires, but he's getting better!

thanks everyone especially alice
i shouldnt have got married i just got two other people into trouble alongwith me.

anyways will write in length later.

Your'e welcome :). One kiddo is NT and has a speech disorder, the other a lot of traits of AS but is able to translate back and forth, due to being more social, and brighter ( :? ) than myself. The taking of extra time to think about responses really helps me. Makes my NT impatient, but luckily he's a really nice guy most of the time it all gets worked out.
My kids understand that there are a lot of things that I just do not do. They have taught me a few things as well. (I mean a lot of things - that is my way of dry humor).

I am on the spectrum too(unofficially diagnosed). Anxiety issues too. I didn't realize I had all this till after my daughter was born. In some ways I was relieved in order to help myself, but makes me even more aware now of my "stuff" and dealing with people. Being a stay at home mom is lonely business and difficult as it is... makes socializing almost painful at times. I used to work with people a lot and I think that helped me be in that social zone for my job and gave me plenty of skills that my husband has not developed working more isolated(he's an introverted aspie)

Being a mom is hard, esp in this situation. I have knocked myself out to meet other moms and do the social thing(its hard work I know)... the thing is the area where we are is extremely superficial and there is no real sense of community. I didn't grow up here so its time to move back "home" with family and friends I grew up with(reconnected after many years, thank goodness for FB) and start over for my family and myself. Its just too hard to do this solo anymore

I can isolate myself easily here, and then its even harder to put myself out there especially after all the superficialities I have encountered..... its not easy(I don't think it is for anyone, even the "regular" world its a PITA). I get depressed not being around people, and living in the neurotypical world/school environment with NT parents its tough. I have tried to start ASD parent support groups but it never materializes, people move, the kids programs change, etc. etc..... I joined a small support group but the non ASD like parents of ASD kiddos drove me nuts... I am ahead of the game in the sense of raising my child that I get how she thinks - I got so annoyed with the parents though and how they would go on and feeling sorry for themselves(and not having their nannies help them more!! !! and their new Lexus is having problems....seriously????) and the denial I'd see them thinking they could "cure" their child... once that I mentioned I was on the spectrum all they wanted to do was pick my brain.... I got so annoyed for I was there for support not to be Temple Grandin.....

Anyways, it is tough to be social on the parent side of things. I find that having non parental friends(doing my own thing) balances out the boring obligatory parental socialization we must do. I have realized in my journey of self discovery that I do like having friends, keeping them is tough(thats true of any relationship though) and its not like when we were children. Expecting to become friends with our kiddos classmates parents is just that - our common thread is a uterus most of the time.

Its work, but its worth it. I just smile and nod and fake it... my grandmother used to tell me "sometimes you just have to be an actress".... boy did she get me:)

I think you need to get support for both of you. It's difficult, but I'm learning with my own child that the more she can become involved in the world (she's 14 and finally starting to make and keep friends and have more of a social life), the happier and less moody she is. IF she doesn't get out and do enough, she starts to be taken over by weird obsessions (the end of the world in 2012 for instance). I've seen her really come around this year because I slowly started suggesting she get involved...very covertly since she shuts down to overt suggesting.

I think it's important to realize your child needs certain things from you. Whether or not you are on the spectrum, when it comes to child-rearing, you have to step up. Our children didn't ask to be born...we decided they should be. So once they are here, it's important for us to set an example, raise them to be functioning (as much as possible) members of society, taking into account any limitations they may have. If you drop out/can't cope...you are abandoning your child to raise him or herself. That's why it's important for you as a parent to have support. Whether it's couseling, family or friends...it's really important. I have used a combination of tricks. Counseling...a church community...family...and friends. At first it was sooo uncomfortable (i'm an introvert) but over the last 10 years since I've been divorced, I've had to learn that even if I would love to be alone in my world and read...do my hobbies, etc, I have a daughter, and I need to be present in her life as much and as best as I can (taking into account my own limitations).

It is a hard job, and you really can't do it alone. I couldn't either, so tried to surround myself with people who really could help. It was the best decision I think of my life because I've made great friends, and whenever I have a family emergency/meltdown problem at home, I always have someone I can call for help and depend on.

Good luck, but really try and keep this stuff in mind.

Bethanie

It might help you to have some peers and friends you can talk to and relax with. I know making and maintaining friends can be ridiculously challenging, but have you seen if there are any meet-up groups in your area? I know where I live there are six Aspie groups that meet up weekly to hangout - watch movies, go bowling, grab coffee, etc. Maybe it is something you would be interested in looking into.
The website I use to find meetup groups is meetup.com. If you are unfamiliar with it, all you do is type in your interest and area code and it finds the groups for you. Then, you join the group online (no conversation required!) and it lists the time and locations of the next events.

Once this thread has run its course as a separate thread, I would like to see it added to the "parents on the spectrum" thread, as I think this discussion would be useful to those seeking out that topic. Do you like that idea?

in india there are no meetup groups

Keeping touch with family is difficult i have mentioned in other thread that they are voilent and dangerous
friends are difficult to make
there are no support groups etc in India
i dont practice christanity so no church either