What is it like to be a Parent of an Aspie?

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My son is now 11 and at 4 we knew he didn't have social anxitey disorder like the dr had said. By the time he was 6 we were told it was AS. It was a relief because I knew I wasn't being a bad parent. I was scared because I didn't know what to do next.
He did two years of kindergarten and first grade was great! Second grade was awful, but it ended. The last two years have been great. He is really into comic books and super heros which I love. He has this wonderful imigination that makes my head spin.

He does have his melt down moments. He gets mad if other people do not follow the rules. He get mad if he doesn't understand how to play the game in PE class. He hates going to church with us as a family, but I am so glad I have a son with AS.
He has taught me not to worry about the small stuff, and that just about everything is small stuff. He has taught me to give a bit of extra time to be able to express himself. He taught me to care so much about what I wear. Most importantly he taught me to not just smile, but also to laugh.
Our life isn't easy but it isn't hard. Our normal is our normal. It is normal for us to go on vacations during the off season so the crowd is smaller. He goes to his sisters band concert to watch her toot her flute and then leaves right away. He doesn't like to wash his hair so he is bald most of the time. He also is not so sure that he likes doing his chores, but he does them anyway.
I can't imagine my life without my son. He may learn in a different way than I do, but we get each other and that's alright with me.

[i]
I just found this place and am in "AWE".
My son has AS.
Omg it is absolutely wonderful to be here and know we aren't ALONE!
~sonshinesmom~

I am happy we all found this sight. I heard about again and again at a parents as support group. That group meets once a month this is here 24/7 how great is that! Anyway I am so glad that in this community we can help each other to understand we are not alone and we are GREAT parents, because we have to be.

I just found this sight, too, and I am so thrilled to know that we can 'talk', as parents, and help each other out. My son is Aspergers and he is 15, but my husband has many traits similar, as does his brother, so I feel surrounded by totally socially dysfunctional people all the time! Sometimes I feel like I have to 'script' everything for everyone so that they can pull that information from their mental computer later on, but I get tired of doing it. I am always terrified that I am going to make some huge mistake with Andrew and BLOW IT BIG. Or with his siblings, who are 14, 10 and 5. We did just return a few weeks ago from a BIG family vacation, and it was a terrific success - I never dreamed when he was younger we would ever be able to go to SeaWorld and Disneyland and not lose him - but we did! And he agreed to what other people wanted to do, because we were deciding as a TEAM. It was very interesting. I work in Special Education at my sons HS, and there are days it is ALL SO OVERWHELMING! My husband tries to help and be supportive, but often it is hard for him because he needs things a certain way, too! Does anyone understand what I am saying?

Definately. Sometimes I go to bed really early just because I am so worn out from being "up" and the organizer/whip for my family, especially my son. As he gets older and closer to graduation from High School, my stress level is going through the roof.

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As his Mother I feel I have completely failed him these last 10 years, and that is not an easy cross to bear... I am utterly determined to make it up to him by supporting him into his future and gathering as much information as I can to help him.[/quote]

Hi! I'm Aussie Boy and my Nanna wants to talk to you

I really feel sorry for the way you have had to find a diagnosis for yourself. I hope it wouldn't happen in our schools in Queensland. (ex teacher speaking.
I hope you are no longer feeling a failure as a parent. In fact you are doing a wonderful job even though it has been so hard. You can only do the best you can at the time, and you've done that.

Jimmy and robyn

Hi...I'm Rhonda, and my son Gavin is 7. Gavin hasn't been formally diagnosed yet, but I feel CERTAIN that he is definitely an Aspie. When he was first born, he was about as happy-go-lucky as a kid could be. Something changed when he was about 2 and a half though. I went to pick him up from his crib one morning, and he screamed "NO!! !" at me and pointed for me to leave his room. Not long after that, it was Christmas and Santa came with the brand new ride-on truck that Gavin had been asking for. That morning, Gavin refused to come downstairs to see it. When we finally convinced him to come down that day - he wouldn't look at any of us, and ever since - he won't give his grandparents hugs or say hi or anything unless we prompt him...and even then, you can tell how uncomfortable he is by it.

I have an entire two page list of observed behaviors on him that I plan to take with us to the appointment we have with a Child Neurologist in June. It has been a difficult road thus far, but not necessarily because of Gavin as much as it's been because NO ONE seems to know what's going on with him. Originally he was diagnosed with ADD late last school year, but I just knew we were missing something. I just didn't know what. I've taken him to a psychiatrist on the advice of his pediatrician, but that guy didn't spend two seconds talking to Gavin or even observing him. He literally pulled out his RX pad and wrote a new prescription for Ritalin, saying that Gavin must have been on the wrong meds because he obviously doesn't have autism and he's "fine". Sure, he's fine for Gavin - but how do I help him be successful? How do I teach him how to pick up on social cues and be polite? How do I be a proper parent for him? These were all the things going through my head on that visit. So I get home, completely frustrated and concerned - and decide to start searching the 'net for an answer. I read, and read, and read - and in the meantime I have my best friend come out to visit. She's a special ed. teacher in Wisconsin (we live in So CA) and she evaluated Gavin like she would have any other kid that came to her school. I'll never forget the day she pulled me aside and suggested that I have Gavin evaluated for Aspergers - and to ignore that psych I went to for him. I had a NAME of something, finally!! Then the challenge of finding a doctor that would actually evaluate him began - and we're still in the cycle for that right now.

I'm learning that you can't give up. When a parent has that nagging feeling that there's something else going on - you HAVE to listen. I can't tell you how many times I would watch him at a park, at a soccer game, in school, and wonder why he wasn't acting like the other kids. I'd wonder where I went wrong as a parent, and I'd wonder what I had to do to help Gavin out. I felt like I was just throwing darts with a blindfold on to find what worked.

He has virtually every symptom there is for Aspergers - in varying degrees. He doesn't sleep at night (but for a few hours), he lives by a schedule, he insists on a routine (do NOT spring new things on him - he doesn't meltdown any more, but he certainly doesn't go with the flow either), he's OCD when it comes to keeping his fingernails and toenails short, he eats a very limited amount of foods - and seems to continue limiting them as time goes on, he doesn't hold eye contact with anyone - if he gives it at all - which is one reason why his teacher doesn't think he's paying attention, he seems to be very anxious at times (he runs whenever he's feeling "energy" building up in him - that's what he calls it), he's not very coordinated - he plays soccer, but has a hard time connecting his mind with his foot and the ball, he's not good with imaginative play, doesn't recognize facial expressions unless they are beyond obvious, LOVES video games, Pokemon, Naruto and Star Wars....and he's brilliant and talks like a little man. I'm not just saying that - he is. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Last week, we went to lunch with a friend of mine whose son was just formally diagnosed with Aspergers. I hadn't seen her for a long time - and when we got together - it became apparently instantly that her son and mine were very much the same. Her son was Gavin as a 5 year old - and I just marveled at him. We spent the entire lunch looking at one another and nodding, and laughing - because it was a complete RELIEF to see that we weren't alone. I came home feeling so vindicated, because I KNEW. I finally knew.

The worst day wasn't when I knew Gavin had Aspergers (and in fact he hasn't gotten formally diagnosed - we're still working on that), that actually was the *best* day - because I finally had an answer as to what was going on. Now my job is help Gavin to be successful at whatever he wants his life to be about. I'm his mom, it's what I do. My life is difficult and busy and crazy at times - but I'm not at all sure it wouldn't be even if Gavin were a completely non-aspie kid.

I love Gavin the way he is - my life wouldn't be the same without him, and he certainly wouldn't be Gavin otherwise. That said though - I have to admit that I've mourned the Gavin I knew prior to that morning I went to get him out of his crib. I don't know what did it, or why he changed, although I know that not long before that morning, we'd gone to the doctor for his immunizations...and I do admit that I wonder about that...and feel guilty because what if something I'd done out of protecting my dear son had actually harmed him permanently. It's a lot for a mom to carry around, I must admit. I try not to think about that though - and just go forward from here. As I've said - I'm a mom, and it's what I do.

Hi all, I'm new here, and I have a 14 year old daughter with AS.

What's it like to have a child with AS - well, after they get past the frustration (elementary school) part - WOW the challenges are much less, I wouldn't change a thing! D's a great kid, how many mom's actually say they like their teenage daughter! Does she have her "issues", sure just like everyone else.

When the "Experts" told us she would never amount to anything, save for adult care, I got pissed, and made her learn everything! She is now a 3rd Degree Black Belt in Taekwondo! She has achieved Instructor Level! In 3 years, if ready (she will be) she will test for her 4th Degree which is a Master Level. WOW a Senior in High School and a Master in Taekwondo.

TKD has been her savior, that and her Grand Master. He made her believe in herself. When she gets frustrated, she meditates. She is making the honor roll in school. Helping around the house is lacking, but that is with all teens (so I hear).

The black and white issue is still present, and I still have to remember to be very specific. Also had to talk to some of her teachers, and they are GREAT about it. Instead of telling her she had to write 6 papers by the end of the quarter. I had him have her do one each week and with very specific instructions. She got an A- in the class!

I could go on and on and on about her! Good and Bad. Most of the bad is all past, and now the good is coming through.

I found this site for her actually, she likes posting on her "gaming" sites, but maybe this way she can relate to someone. We definately have socal issues. She is getting much better, but is refusing to go to school social events (her small group of friends - all guys, and they treat her like one of them - one of the guys) Yes she is a tom-boy. Too pretty to be one, but she is. So her friends even though they have no ambition in life - it's gaming only - they respect her and they may be "losers" (sorry, in mom's eyes) but they are her "losers" and is very protective of them. The also like having her around because no one will try to harass them.

Ok, done for now. I listed my photo site in my profile, if anyone is interested on TKD or photos of my kids doing it, they are on the site.

Glad you guys are here. Hopefully D will sign up and get interested in chatting on something besides gaming. I know she has tons of questions (99% she talks to me about) but I'm sure there are things she would like to talk to a peer about, and it's easier online than face to face for her.

Its love. It's havoc. It's chaos. And to make life more miserable I myself is a AS. But I'm also happy. Because this weekend my youngest wanted to stay with me, and nobody else. We normaly can't even be in the same room because we're exact clones of eachother and gives his mother meltdowns (core dumped literalely). But I've changed my approach and doesn't let him under my skin and make me irritaded. Works quite fine, and he's looking forward to live with me again in a couple of days. Me and my ex just stared on eachother and quickly said "You are welcome anytime"....

Only having one child i know nothing different to being parent to a child with AS. Its exhausting its exhilerating, its fantastic, its depressing, its from one extreme to another but iwouldn't change it for the world. I guess we feel the same as any other parent but we just have different worries - my friend has a NT son who is hounding her for trendy clothes and a hundred quid trainers - my AS son has no interest what so ever in fashion so i don't get that problem Her son has loads of friends to hang out with, my son has none - she worries about hers being led astray and getting into drugs/the wrong crowd etc etc. My son won't spend his money or leave his bedroom if he can help it. I guess what i am trying to say is that it must be tough to be a parent no matter what child you have, you just all have different things to worry or be proud of.

One thing for sure it's not easy, but then parenting never is. What I find difficult is having to relate to him at differing age levels. He is very much a fact person and one moment he is relating something to me that children his age just don't get, then in the next moment I am trying to figure out how to explain something to him in a way that he can relate to, which is often at an age several years younger than he is. While there are times I get a little embarrased about his open and sometimes over the top affection in public I have to admit it is great to have a boy who is nearly a teen but is not worried to spend time with his Mum or come up to me and give me a big hug and tell me that he loves me, no matter who's around. And while other parents see growing up as just a thing their child does, we get to celebrate every step of the way because for Aspies those steps are more like giant leaps and so we have even more reasons to be proud of our children. And proud of my son I am. And as I have told him, "I would rather have you as you are than not have you at all."

i really enjoyed reading everyone's posts, it's great to see how other parents are coping and what their thoughts and feelings are about having a child with aspergers, i think my 8 year old son is an aspie although i am still waiting for an hospital appointment to have it confirmed.

Wow, is it easier to ask this on this forum than in direct verbal communications. I'm surprised that you asked, so here's my answer. It's exhausting....I'm currently going through a situation with my 24 year old son. He's shut down on me and not listening and I'm wearing myself out trying to figure out the words that will open his mind to what I am saying. I'm angry at our society for having to label eveything. I have a definition of what normal behavior is and I fall into the same trap in saying that's not normal. For my son normal is something different...I'm trying to learn what his normal is. This site is going to be my saving grace...you guys all understand and are looking for the same answers. I'm reaching out for help and answers everywhere. It would be alot easier if he had somesort of physical ailment or even if he had a mental disability, these things are becoming accepted in society and have a section of normallty. While he was growing up I heard "What's the matter with him", Don't bother inviting him, he won't go anyways. I also heard he's smart, he's shy, he's just not ready to socialize yet. I did not do enough to help him and I know that now and it hurts.