Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son

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Yah, Seth gets really loud too. A hand signal might work, only my husband used to make a hand signal to me when he felt I was getting overly emotional or worked up over something (usually to do with my interactions with Seth) and rather than remind me to calm down, it would make me feel even angrier, like, "how dare you tell me to calm down, you blow up way more often than I do!! !" But, it might work with Seth if we discussed it ahead of time, when we're all in a good place and no one is upset yet.

oh definitely discuss it beforehand, when everyone is calm i did that with wes and explained that it would keep me from interrupting him and he readily agreed. he needs some reminding sometimes "if you don't follow the hand signal, i will have to interrupt you". it's worth a try anyway, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
i get the hand gesture to an NT thing, it's dismissive and rude to us. well, i would see it that way, don't want to speak for everyone

Thanks draelynn, We have had quite a bit of professional help from all types of counselors who are familiar with, or actually specialize in autism spectrum disorders. Now that he's getting a formal diagnosis, he'll also be eligible for an IEP, which is going to be really great. I agree my problems are deeper than what can be addressed in this forum, but so far this thread has been incredibly positive for me. Particularly because I don't feel so alone in this anymore. People who don't have children, or don't have children and a spouse on the spectrum, really don't understand how exhausting it can be. They say things like "oh, my kid was just like that at that age"...they really don't have a clue! When someone on this forum says "Oh, my kid was just like that at that age" or "I was like that at that age" ...I listen up, because I know they've really been there and know that of which they speak.

My son's a couple of years younger than Seth, and in some ways he is younger still, but in others very mature.

Seth may think the system I suggested is a bit baby-ish, which is why it is so important that he is very much involved in this process and has a large say in what you come up with. It does seem that you all recognise what the problem is, so to find a potential solution he needs to be able to contribute his own ideas. The key issue is that he can't tell that you are getting annoyed or overloaded until it is too late, so you need to be able to find other way of letting him know how you are feeling.

I agree with Draelynn that you would do well to find professionals who can work with you all in prioritising and addressing the complex issues you are faced with.

I'm glad you're here and that you're finding this helpful. It is true that many people just don't "get it", and it is good to be able to come here and share with people who do.

so true,i have found great comfort in knowing that i am not alone.

Glad to hear it!

It is going to be a big perspective shift for all of you - learning to understand his behaviors from his perspective and he, having to learn that others do not see the world the way that he does. With Asperger's, if his evaluation does confirm that, it is usually safe to assume that he has a very rational and logical reason for what you may perceive as 'difficult' behavior. Once you leanr to decode his 'language' things will hopefully be much much smoother.

I know I saw someone suggest Scouts - Girl Scouts was amazing for my daughter. It is a fairly close group of peers that all learn to look out for each other and I've found that it has been key in helping head off bullying at the pass for my daughter. There is a whole troop that has her back. I hope all troops operate that way - it is part of the scouting philosophy after all.

Thanks everyone for all of the support and helpful suggestions! Marcia, I will check out boy scouts as I think having a crew would be incredibly helpful for him. Coincidentally, I haven't had any major issues with Seth the last couple of nights. I took him to his orchestra concert last night and it was just the 2 of us because his dad had night school and though Seth was pretty negative about the whole thing, I just kept telling him how proud I was of him and how great they sounded and that I had a fun time and afterward he did his homework without complaint and went to bed without any kind of melt down so...yeah! Thanks again for reminding me that unconditional love can go a long way.

Unconditional love is really important. No doubt that was the greatest loss your step son felt when his Mom died. While there are exceptions, most Dad's just aren't the same, in that they don't show love as outwardly as most Mom's do, and so kids may be less sure of it, or even when sure of it, less comforted by it. My son is and always will be relatively needy in that area; he just needs to know that one person (Mom) is always there for him and in his corner, and he acts out the most when I get too busy to continually make my presence felt to him. He would have been so lost in the situation your step son is in; I know that there is nothing you can do to fix that, some things in life just "are," but hopefully continuing to remember where he is coming from will help.

My son loves Scouts. What is expected is very clear, and the kids do form bonds over time.

Glad you've had a few peaceful nights!

Reading the words "night school" kind of took me for a loop, btw. I cannot imagine fitting that in and still being able to serve the needs of an 11 year old. Kids need the adults in their lives to be present for them. I know sometimes that isn't possible, and I know that all the needs of the adults must be balanced and taken care of, too (and wrote about that earlier), but kids still need those they are closest to, those who are most constant in their lives, to just be there with and for them as much as possible, especially when special needs or the loss of a parent are involved. Even without night school giving enough time would be tough; with it, strikes me as impossible.

I personally think that one or more people in the house can probably benefit from drug therapy handled by a psychiatrist.

I also think that you and your stepson need some respite and emotional support. You might want to become involved in your local Autism Society chapter, chat with the other parents, and find out what services are available in your area and what their kids are doing for entertainment.

Your school/school district might also have afterschool and weekend clubs and classes that you do not know about.

If your son has a strong interest, you might find some private classes for him to enjoy on the weekend where he can study that interest. (Art, photography, science, karate, etc.) My own son (age 7) took private art classes one summer and really enjoyed himself.

I just thought of something about the visual clues. I have been teaching my son some facial expressions by showing him youtube videos of non verbal emotional signals (anger, happiness etc), he was very interested in this, and a few weeks ago, told me that this girl smiled at him, and that it was a genuine smile, because both sides of her mouth were even ....we had been looking at "contempt", where only one side of the mouth is lifted, and that he reallly thought was a nice smile until I explained what kind of emotion it was.
I started doing this because there was never any way that I could convey to him that I was mad just by frowning, I could literally scrunch up my whole face in anger and he'd just keep going without blinking
Maybe your step son needs help in this department too!

THIS!! ! Are you in the US? You can get some kinds of services from your state's Department of Human Services, some from your public school (which should be testing him for AS, BTW - have his Dad call and ask them to do so) Also, Autism Speaks has resources that may be helpful: http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-serv ... ponse-team

In Illinois, you need to sign up for PUNS (Prioritization of Urgency of Need for Services) screening to get access to state-funded resources like respite care.

I'm curious what indications you are seeing for this. I'm reading normal responses to normal stress situations.

I am an autistic person with two step parents and numerous former almost step parents, and I think there are a few vital things you need to know.

1. You are NOT his parent. Don't try to be his parent. You can love him, and he can love you, but you will NEVER replace his mom. Don't try. Be his step mom. You say "Isn't it our job as parents...?" but you're wrong. It's his job, not yours, because you're not the parent. Give him guidance you would give any child, but don't try to be his parent.

2. You had no right to marry your husband if you knew about his kid but didn't want kids. You have now put all of you into a worse situation than you would be in if you just dated your husband. (see 4)

3. The kid needs to be the TOP PRIORITY. This doesn't mean you and your husband's needs shouldn't be met; it just means that you need to take care of the child FIRST.

4. Now that you have married your husband, you need to stick with him and help him, because I think you and your husband's son have developed a bond and it would be cruel to leave them alone to fend for themselves. It is clear that your husband needs help raising this child.

5. Never, never, never, never, NEVER discipline or yell at your step son. That is the parent's job. Your job is to stand aside and be moral support to both of them when they have conflict. You need to stay out of it, though, unless one of them gets violent.

6. I agree with the others who say that he's not meaning to argue with you on purpose. A lot of people assume that I'm arguing when I'm really trying to figure out why. Don't blame him for that. Also, I agree with the others who say that you need to give him actual verbal warning when you're about to yell at him for no reason. My mom forgets to do this all the time, and then she randomly gets mad and I have no idea why.

7. Make sure your husband is nice to your son even when he's mad at him. Things like "this is why you don't have any friends" are a form of emotional abuse. I'm sure if your husband knew that he would try to stop. Therapy would help.

8. A lot of times, whenn people with Asperger's Syndrome seem to be "whining and complaining" all the time we're really just overwhelmed. I know when I get anxious I complain a lot more, and I know other autistic people who complain most of the time because they have a higher anxiety level than I do. Try to help him with his anxiety.

I hope I helped. I will post more later if I think of it.

I'm going to be honest with you even further. I personally do not like any of your comments to begin with, but this really had me bothered. When I was a kid at school and I had no friends. And I was being bullied. I told people about my situation. And the bullie would conform into a group and tell them a story that wasn't true. When you don't have friends authority believes majority of the students. I think the truth would lie in between what both parties are saying.

I don't think you should accuse him of being a liar. That's what my parents did. And look where it got me today. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust telling people my most darkest moments because they one don't believe me or won't listen to me.

I am older brother of an autistic brother at 14 and a bipolar with autism brother at 19. We recently went through a divorce and our most beloved family member died. [ a cat, but to us he was a person]P-boy [the 19 year old] has been having stress at college. Now I know not all of what he says is true, but I also not all of what the teachers are saying are true either. The truth lies in the middle somewhere. Bully said something to Seth, Seth put rocks in his nose.

A similiar situation happened to me when I was a kid. I use to react to the bullies and do stuff. And I was always blamed for the one starting it even if I never did.

I think you have accusatory behavior. I think you're unsupportive. You say you care for Seth. You say you want to help Seth. But none of your comments actually prove this and neither does your behavior. And I'm sure Seth kinds of understands this. The whole you won't respond to him because he's repeating negatives, what kind of support for a child is that?

I have always listened to my brothers, always no matter if they are a little repetive I have always listened and never tried to force them into something. I have never really yelled at them either. I keep calm, maybe get stern a little, but never yell.

I agree completely with Pandora Box. Students have lied about me many times and the teachers have trusted them over me. Once, they wouldn't even let me see the letter the student's dad had sent. They said I should know what I did and they wouldn't tell me, and they punished me. After the punishment, they finally let me see the letter, and I discovered that there were blatant lies! That cannot be forgiven.

You shouldn't trust the teachers just because they're teachers; they're just as capable of deciet as the students are. Once, a student sexually harrassed me, and I told my favorite teacher, and she said she couldn't do anything about it. Years later, my mom has told me that she was a bigot about my disability, saying that it was normal for other kids to pick on me because I was different, so they shouldn't get in trouble, but that when I did something that was a little bit weird, it was really bad since I was already weird enough to begin with. I don't forgive her for that, and I never will. I have no sympathy for bigots.

You don't understand what it's like to have a disability like this. We already have enough trouble in social situations, and then there's bigots and liars who make our lives even worse. I had missed the part Pandora Box quoted, and I'm glad I did because I would have probably been too disdainful of you to post nicely to you like I did in my first post. It makes me not like you at all. The only reason I post is so that maybe you will help your stepson and try to understand him better.

You have absolutely no right to hate your stepson. From what you've told us, he has every right to hate you.

Again, if I remember anything else I can say to help, I will post later.