I dont like the mother my son requires me to be

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I've read thru this thread a couple of times now and I think you've gotten some great advice. I feel for you, summer is rough for alot of us.

Just a tip, if you want everyone to believe that your not yelling at your child all day you really do need to quit WRITING EVERYTHING IN CAPS and Bolding[b] your posts. It's the written equivenent to yelling and I can see why some have taken offense to your posts, I know I did upon first read. But upon second and third read, ignoring all the yelling and focusing on the content it's obvious that you're really committed to your child and making a lot of sacrifices to give him the best education possible. ABA isn't a cure and your likely going to be working on alot of these issues for years not months. It does seem like you might need to adjust your expectations a bit, not lower them per se, but just be realistic about how long it's going to take to accomplish them. He is only 6.

i have no idea what could work for you and your son.

i know what didn't work for me as a kid. and i know what works for my four ASD kids.

i also know that demanding bootcamp-like behavior won't work. ever.

i also know that when time comes the "switch" will turn on. not by a devine intervention, but by sheer logic… ASD means rather often "lagging behind" in development… eventually it will catch up to a certain degree… and thing can be learned the simple way by just talking.

until that point is reached… love your kids… help them… show them that things have to be done and that you can respect their choices.

if it isn't of most importance, it can wait.

rules in society are not for ASD people. it won't work. you have to make your own rules that is useful for all. (i hope this is understandable)

home is supposed to be a save haven. whit less demands. where one is allowed to be oneself and where it is ok to be different.

i hopes this all makes a little sense.

A lot of our posts are long and wordy. Caps words can also state an emphasis on a word that you want to stand out in a post. I dont have to convince anyone of anything. As I have stated, we have many professionals in our lives, therapists, psychiatrist, counselors, etc...none are worried about my son being "abused" or screamed at all day. In fact, it is quite the oppisite. You cannot know me or anyone else thru a post. Obviously, I came here with my post for HELP. I didnt just yell that word, I wanted to emphasise it. I stated in my OP that I dont like these interactions with my son, I dont like doing it and I dont like having to mother him thru threats. Apparently, some readers have decided to take one aspect of my post and ignore the rest.

Unless, and ONLY (again emphasis not a yell) if you are a parent living in my exact situation can you understand. Sometimes when I come here I get a true glimpse inside my sons head by reading posts from adults on the spectrum and it really helps me realize exactly what is going on and what I am dealing with.

Once again, I appreciate all teh positive and helpful info. I will, as always, continue to work hard with my son to hope for a productive future for him. It is unfair and it stinks that my son has to work so hard as a child, but many kids do. My son also has medical issues that he has had to struggle with and will forever. It stinks, its not fair, but we work on thse things as well. I wouldnt ever just sit back and not care for his medical needs, why would I not do the same for his psychological needs?

and lastly, I am human. I do my best and I have moments where I crack. It is ok for someone on gthe spectrum to behave in a light others dont agree with or find acceptable, and we can understand and ecplain it all away, but it doesnt change the fact that mys on is an EXTREMELY (emphasis not a yell) challenging and test the patience of a saint.

see, I am not convinced of the bolded. I know several family mmebers who are adults, and a few freinds who are adults who should be diagnosed on the spectrum, but never did get the help and have done things like break the law, have drug addictions and gambling addictions. Typical people do those things as well, but my fear is my sons issues right now could lead to any of the above, and I cannot just sit back and watch him, or wait and hope. THat is exactly what my family did and my friends family of the people I am using as an example. They always thought it woudl go away or get better, and it didnt. I fear that for my son.

My home has to be a safe haven for ALL who live here. I also have a 3yo and cannot allow her big brother to punch her, scream at her, and treat her like a non entity becuase he has ASD. It is her safe haven too. Life has rules no matter where you go. Simple ones, and if he cannot cooperate with one simple rule, ever, what will his future bring? Can you GUARANTEE me that he will end up fine if I just let things be? Can you GUARANTEE me that he wont end up like the few people we know in my family that should have been diagnosed, never got help and now have severe issues??? If you cant that is a risk I am not willing to take with my child.

The other role model we have is a nephew of mine, who had severe ASD like issues, but also had brain damage. My sister worked him to the bone as a child, and let me tell you he is am amazing adult! She was told all sorts of things like he would never hold down a job, never graduate HS, never drive, heck he wasnt supposed to walk even. He is now a fully functioning adult, job, driving, in college, etc...had she not pushed him so hard, he wouldnt be where he is today. He is an amazing person and I can only hope my son turns out as well. And let me tell you my sister is boot camp strict. Me, not so much!

MMJMOM,

At times like this and with feedback like this, I find it helpful to remember that many of the adults on the spectrum that I have met grew up in abusive households. And I have met a few who actually have PTSD from their experience with ABA. When we talk about ABA and discuss behavior challenges that do not bring out the best in us, I imagine it brings forward a whole host of memories and feelings for people who had--in my opinion--tragic childhoods. I think it is expecting too much for them to be able to divorce their past experience with their present. They see things that remind them of their childhood and they feel compelled to speak up against it, to save another kid from the torment they endured.

I actually find this quite honorable. Because it is a risk to speak up, and they take it anyway. Not for their own good, but to potentially help a child.

I imagine that most abusive parents deny that they abuse their kids when confronted. And I imagine quite a few who can name a list of people who do not think they are abusive. For this reason, I generally find it unhelpful to repeatedly defend myself. I generally try to find some common ground, acknowledge it, and move on. For example "Yes, you are right. Home should be a safe place. I will remember that as I work with my son, thank you."

I share this not to reprimand you, btw, but rather because I imagine that you are feeling upset by a lot of what has happened here. I know if it was me, I'd be stuck in a ruminatory loop right now, unable to fully focus on anything else.

The intent comes from a good place, even if it comes off as offensive or rough. Most often, the intention is to save a child from the torture that they endured.

Thanks, I appreciate your reminder. It is ironic cause I was abused as a child and live my life to the fullest extent to be the extreme opposite of my parents. I made sure I got and still get therapy, go to parent groups, read and research and to my 100% best. And so, to be called abusive by people who know not a thing about me, or my past, strikes a nerve with me as well. I feel terribly for kids abused ASD, not ASD or any reason, and I appreciate any and all input, I am just not liking being called ABUSIVE. There are other ways to get ones point across, such as, "when I was a child and got yelled at it really made me feel like crap," etc...


But again, you are correct, this is an internet forum, and I wil take from it waht workd and leave the rest behind.

I will no longer write and re write or defend myself, I think I did that more then enough, and even 5 minutes of typing is taking away form my kids, so I will move forward form here and take with me what helps and leave all the rest behind!

thanks for the reminder, I needed that!

You're welcome. I've worn your shoes before.

They are the rules, and how you interpret the rules.

Aspies are very literal. Sometimes they simply didn't understood the rule the way you did. Sometimes, its there literal brain that needs more examples to learn how to behave properly.

Your mistake is to demand too rapid results.

i exaggerate the examples so that you get it.

An example with an autistic child. At road A, It is told that he can't cross the road with out looking. He doesn't cross the road with out looking. They go to an other road, road B, and runs across with out looking. You go back to the road A, he looks before crossing, back to road B, he crosses with out looking. If you explain to look before crossing at road B. At road C he will still cross with out looking. If he accumulate enough examples, he'll get it, that he is supposed to look at all roads.

Got it? Literal, didn't understood the way you meant it. You need to patiently explain every time what needs to be done.

This extend to learning instinctive responses. Even if he knows something, its not a given, that his brain will retrieve it on the spot. With the Pavlov dogs, the dogs associate a bell ring with food. How similar must the bell ring be so that the dog salivates? In the case of an autistic, it must be very similar. I'm trying to give an example to explain the association of things.

A more day to day example is with hitting a younger sibling. Explaining it once, his brain will subconsciously/consciously really retain that its not ok to hit the little sibling ..... at Friday afternoon when the TV is on, and the window closed.

Bottom line. When he does something wrong, explain it to him every time. Don't expect 100% compliance immediately even after explaining, it will take time. Actually at the beginning compliance will be rather low(even after explaining), but gradually rise with the repetitions.

By the way, you just truly understood autism.

In general(every one) learning more slowly is beater in the long run. This is because how the brain mechanics works.

MMJMOM

I'm not sure why you think only a parent living in your exact situation can offer any insight, but for the record, I am NT and a parent. My situation isn't exactly like yours, my child has moderate to severe autism and I'm a single parent, but I have experienced every single challenge you describe. My brother sounds a lot like your son and my mother was also a screamer, not all day every day, but at least once a day over a period of years. I would never call it abuse, but I can tell you that it had a significant impact on the self-esteem of my aspergers brother as well as myself and my NT brother.

When my daughter was diagnosed a made a conscious decision not to repeat this behavior and I can tell you from my experience that there is a better way and I will tell you what worked for me.

The most important thing I did was realize that the only thing I had full control over is my own emotions and reactions to my child's behavior. does she provoke me, yes. Do I lose my temper, at times yes. But my reactions are my choice and if I yell and scream I need to take ownership of that, it is my problem, not hers. You always have a choice. Here are some of the strategies I have used to help keep my emotions under control, some have been mentioned, some have not.

- individual counseling - ongoing now for 3 years
- appointments with a psychiatrist and an SSRI to keep my own anxiety under control. This was especially helpful in the early years after my daughters diagnosis. I no longer need the medication now.
- behavior tracking charts, not for my daughters behavior but for my own. This was extremely helpful. Before I started doing this I was significantly underestimating how often I was losing control of my emotions and had limited understanding of my own triggers.
- journaling
- relaxation techniques and breathing exercises, I've especially found yoga to be beneficial
- respite. I wasn't fully utilizing this service for a long time as I have real trust issues leaving my daughter with other people. I use all of my hours now and I'm a much stronger parent now for doing so.
- reconnecting with my church and prayer
- parent support groups
- frequently on this site reading imput and advice from other parents and especially from adults on the spectrum

I'm not judging you and I fully understand and can emphasize with the daily challenges that you face, but I'm not just gonna tell you what you want to hear and this is a public forum so I have every right to state my opinion. Your own behavior is much quicker and easier to change, your sons is going to take years.

thank you Brook BC, I appreciate your reply, it gave me a lot to consider and think about.

Quantam, thanks for the examples they were very clear and helpful

You've gotten some great replies but I couldn't help posting that I've felt exactly like you!! ! My son is now 8 and we still have similar problems but when my son was 6 it was as extreme. When you said your son makes everyone miserable if you aren't doing what he wants and following his own agenda....omg that is exactly what I've said about my son!! It's so sad to say that and so sad that it is true. Also, it is very difficult to bribe your child, which was My method for a few years and I was ridden with worry about he this would affect his future decision making and ability to be a successful independent.

I love love love the list that 'in this together' posted. I mean I'm going to print that out and laminate it! Its words of wisdom!

Something I want to say to you and others that need to hear it, is that it's not necessarily your fault or something you do or don't do...it's just transitions, life skills, sensory issues, etc...all of these things make everyday life difficult for them...and us as parents. It's just that simple. And all we can do is try different approaches until something works, and then try something else when it stops working. But something to keep in mind is that through that whole journey eventually, eventually, eventually, things will evolve. It will somehow come together for your son just in time for you to work on new difficulties . My son's violent aggression and destructive behavior has mostly gotten under control and it wasnt really something i did, it was a combination of my efforts and it just got better because he got older and he is starting to slowly use other ways of dealing with his emotions.

So my point is just keep doing the best you can to allow your family a good quality of life, day to day. You're on a quest to find answers and better methods that what you are doing now, just like he is on his own quest of learning about himself and how to 'be'. Both of you will make great progress as time goes on!

I hated that 123 magic because honestly my child took that as he had until 3 and then it was going to be a war of time out that never worked. That method was small potatoes compared to what I was dealing with my son. So I will recommend a book that taught me an approach that made every day easier and happier, and it actually helped me, help my son, talk through the internal conversations he should be having when being told its time for bath, or the wii is broken and we can't play it. It's called 'the explosive child' by dr Ross Greene. It def is more for dealing with pervasive melt downs and inflexibility but I think everyone should read it.

I love that you are an attachment parent and i think that will help show your son alot about love and emotion and it makes you probably the oerson that understands him best. Keep positive and Good luck!!

BrookeBC, I really appreciate your post. It is a reminder of how important our own attitude is. I can now see how the way we view our children and our own lives affects the behaviour of those around us, but there have been times in each of my children's lives in which I didn't think it was really up to me to do the (sometimes very hard) work of changing. Now I am much better at being happy with my life. Some of the things you suggested have been very helpful to me. And some other things that helped were really viewing my children as perfect, whole beings. After all, that's what we're striving for.

One of the things I've realized is that not only can I not control my child's (or my partner's or my brothers') behaviour, but that it wouldn't be a good thing if I could. It is not necessary for them to act a particular way for me to be happy. It's up to me to see and value their gifts. They have so much to teach me! It's so easy to think we know everything when our lives are going well and our children our cooperative. But, tempting as it may be, we do not want our children to obey / comply / fit in and not react when they are angry our upset. Instead, we want to teach them to respond to a situation, to solve problems, in a progressively independent manner that is true to themselves.

I think a lot less about discipline these days and do a lot less to try to persuade or coerce my dd to behave a certain way. Part of it is that I've realized being ready on time, doing routine chores etc *right now* is not as important as I thought. Part of it is that when I give her more freedom she seems to remember what needs to be done. I think my nagging interrupts her train of thought, and then she has to start whatever she was doing all over again. Lately she has been working on issues of time, which are huge, in her own inimitable fashion. This has come with a better grasp of how long an hour, a day, or a month is, how much can be done in it, etc.

I can't help but think that as long as our kids know they are loved, they'll be OK.
J.

I couldn't help but respond to this post. No offense postcards57, but this is so contrary to how I feel about my own daughter's behaviors. Really, once you have a child that hits you, purposely damages things, is violent, self abusive, verbally aggressive, etc it becomes VERY, very important to control and teach them to control their behavior. My daughter absolutely needs help in learning how to control her impulses and behaviors or else she will never ever function outside of our home. It is my job, I feel, as her parent to teach her how to control her behavior and step #1 in that is making it clear that it is unacceptable to be abusive, rude, aggressive, etc with others. My job is not to accept her behavior 100% as is... While I love my daughter unconditionally, I cannot teach her that I will accept her behaviors willingly with love and graciousness when she is kicking me, hitting me, and putting holes in our walls and doors. Yes, life is harder for those with AS, but that is not a ticket in my opinion to act as you want. Our children are capable (though it is more difficult and lengthier process) of learning to control their impulses, find more appropriate methods of communicating fear, anxiety or anger, or separating themselves so that they can lash out in privacy. I think it takes more than love from us for them to be ok.

MJMMOM, it sounds like you are really trying your best. My thoughts are with you and your family because your situation sounds very challenging.

Just to offer a different suggestion, what if you were to turn this situation into a "what should we do...?" with video evidence. My NT son was often "forgetting" (I'm not saying this is the case with your son, but my son was forgetting half the time and choosing to remember "selectively" the other half), so I began to record his promises on my camera phone. When he didn't do as he was told after a couple of reminders, I would very calmly show him his "promise" on the phone camera. At the very least, it was proof of what transpired and it also served as a starting point for discussion about why he wasn't doing as he had promised. It's difficult to dispute something that has been said in one's own words. And I would record promises I made to him as well -- so the camera phone wasn't a punishment, merely an objective tool we used to make sure we were all on the same page.

Since your son is very much into technology, do you think this would have some impact on him?

I too find myself yelling when that is the last thing I want to do.

One of the tools that has helped me was reading and watching videos on Parenting with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay. Now, his techniques don't always work well for a kid with AS or on the autism spectrum, because it assumes a lot of ability especially in problem solving and organizational skills. However, I have found his advice on what to say, and how to respond in ways other than yelling to be helpful. I also have found myself looking for the logical/original consequences rather than the typical. My AS son has responded well to these.

Thank you, audball - our therapist recently suggested videoing our son to show him some objective evidence of his behavior - we've tried it before and it just results in a meltdown. I like this version - an objective way to keep accountability on both sides. We might try it.