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Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 9:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe it is the aspie in me, but I am not understanding what you want.

Some of what you post seems to indicate you want empathy from parents and that you want us to imagine our lives in the future as being like yours. All of our situations are different. We will all relate differently. It is unlikely that we are all going to respond with "OMG, that could me in 20 or so years." Some of us won't. Some of us will, but to varying degrees. Most of us are not going to look at your post and choose to give up all hope, and get all depressed, if that is what you are looking for. I understand that you are despair, I get that. But it won't make it any better for you to bring others with you. That is why we are offering advice, to try to help you.

I am not in "la la land." I am well aware that all my "plans" if you want to call them that could turn to manure, and I could have huge problems up ahead. I could very well be in a situation where my son is home and miserable, and I am in turn miserable, too, and he has no where to go when I die. Is that what you want to hear? I don't know why you assume we are in la la land. I think about this stuff at least some time every fracking day whether I log into WP or not. That however does not help you with your problem.

Some of what you posted indicates you want concrete help. You either mock us for not having first hand experience (parents and non parents alike) or dismiss what is advised as too complicated or "been there done that." If you are looking for step-by-step instructions this is not the place as possible help varies based on where you are.

I am not saying shlep everywhere and go to meetings. I am saying look on the Internet, and make phone calls or send emails and see who you can find that is a local expert at a non-profit and can tell you what is available to you. This is apt to be FREE. Once you find a local expert, that person may even help you with the step-by-step stuff. Your choice is either to try to change things or maintain the status quo. I get that you are beaten down, and you have inertia, time and financial constraints etc. But reality is reality. You can either try to fix things or resign yourself to how things are and accept it.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 06 Feb 2013, 6:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think I would move.

Just up and leave.

I don't think I could try to change them at this point.

I wouldn't see any of them for at least a year, let them sink like a rock. If your daughter is a minor or functional adult, bring her. If not - go on your own.

It probably sounds really irresponsible, but who cares about the house and various other stuff that's getting wrecked - just get the heck out. Rent a cheap little apartment that you can afford on your own.

I totally hear you about how hopeless you feel. I have no answers about how to change it. Maybe, I would leave a note with a list of stuff that would need to be done for me to come back - but really, why?

And yes, I do worry about this all the time. My son is 13 and tells me he will live with me forever....Oh joy! That said, I did buy a little house with a really little cottage that he can live in forever, but will give me a little space. Hopefully when he's 18 he will qualify for SSI if he can't work, so he will be able to afford food after we die.

I am in a similar situation except I am the "kid" in my situation (but an adult, I'm 37). I will be living with my mother for the rest of her life because I can't support myself or take care of myself. I worry about what will happen when she is gone because unless there is money to leave me or I can somehow get ssi I will quickly end up homeless. I think she doesn't mind my being here because without me she would be alone but it would make things easier for her if had some income and was more independent.

I don't even know how to help myself much less anyone else. The only advice I can give is to get him to sign up for Medicaid. Then he may be able to get diagnosed and go on to get ssi, plus be able to get treated for any medical problems he may have now or in the future. At least then he can bring some income into the household.

I got Medicaid last year and wouldn't have known how to get it on my own. Last year I was having symptoms and went to Planned Parenthood for an exam (it was $25) and got diagnosed with cancer and they sent me to a person at a local hospital that assisted me in applying. I never even had to go to the welfare.

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Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 9:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you hanyo for a most coherent and most helpful reply. I appreciate it.

I am very sorry that you have been diagnosed with cancer. I truly hope it is remedied and goes away. I know many people now who are cancer free so this is a better time in the world to have it than years past.

Thank you for your time to post this.

Uhh ... Earthmom? This is going to seem cold and heartless, but have you considered running away? I mean, just packing up the bare essentials, pulling out all of your savings, filing for divorce, and getting the hell out of there?

I know ... old Fnordie is behaving badly again, and is likely to be chastised for this post (among others), but if your situation is as oppressive and exploitative as you describe, then why not move out, cut your losses, file for divorce, and try to enjoy the rest of your life on your own? No one deserves the Hell you're going through, and you'd likely be much better off without having to carry the burden of people who obviously could not care less about you.

I am a parent. I've hosted many people in my home, and not just my adult children. Anyone (even my children) who would not respect my wife or me was invited to leave - sometimes politely, sometimes not. You deserve respect, not abuse, especially from your family, and especially in your own home.

No amount of advice from stranger will ever be as effective as good, decisive action on your part; and sometimes, the only thing left to do in an impossible situation is to leave it all behind you and never look back.

I'm sorry.

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Last edited by earthmom on 06 Feb 2013, 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think that is what we are all wondering, Fnord. Perhaps earthmom is posting here asking for our permission?

I am sorry that you came here looking for people to offer a different response than we gave. I'm not sure what sort of response you want from total strangers on the internet. You clearly need help and support, and what you are doing is clearly not getting it for you, but beyond what has been suggested on this thread, I don't think anyone can give you what you're looking for.

I refuse to be despondent because my son may possibly have trouble when he's 30. I am blessed with more resources than you had: high-functioning autism is a known entity and we are getting support we would never have imagined was possible, that I certainly didn't get as a child. If what you are looking for is some level of panic from parents of younger children, I don't think you will find it here.

I think that homeowners are allowed to have expectations and rules in your home - that applies to family as well as total strangers. An adult who is capable of working a stove and preparing his own meals is capable, with accommodation, of doing much more. Certainly it is no more difficult to operate a stove than laundry machines or a vacuum - but he may need unscented detergent or earplugs or a bulleted list of instructions; it varies from person to person. The problem is that the expectation that he isn't going to do those things has been set. It's going to take something significant - like intervention from a professional, or you outright leaving - to change things.

Perhaps earthmom is posting here asking for our permission?[/b] Thanks - that is the first laugh in several days. To answer you directly, I am most assuredly NOT asking for you or anyone here's permission. Nor am I seeking panic from you These are very funny reactions that you have assumed. I have to wonder about your state of mind.

I did get a very good response from hanyo and it may make all of this effort worth it. Thank you again, hanyo.

Last edited by earthmom on 07 Feb 2013, 2:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

I guess the bottom line is, like they would say at a 12 step group;

You can only change yourself. No matter how bad they are, you can't make them different.

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


So, you say leaving is childish - I challenge that. I think that staying in an abusive relationship is seriously dysfunctional. I wouldn't call it childish, but it's not acceptable. If your son is abusive (which is how you are portraying him), it's time to end that. I'm not sure leaving is childish - the word desperate comes to mind.

But then, there's always being a martyr. It's a choice to live how you're living, it's not like the kid is 12.

A related but different story - my son has meltdowns - big, ugly, violent meltdowns. He's 13 and 200#. This last summer he punched me in the face in a meltdown, and gave me a bloody lip. I sent him to go to work with his dad for three weeks (away the whole time), when he came back we had a talk, and I said; if you raise a hand to me or anyone else in this house ever again, I will call the cops and you will go to jail. You will not like or do well in Jail. I have gone past my limit, and I will not be abused by anyone.

So far, he started ramping up once and I called 911. It hasn't happened since.

the bottom line is, it's OK to make some demands about how you are treated. There isn't enough "stuff" in the world that would make me stay with an abuser because it was my stuff, and I don't want to lose it. Perhaps because I was homeless as a teen (to escape a drunk and abusive mother), and know that poverty wasn't the end of the world, I have a different perspective.

Breaking stuff, being drunk and dirty would be unacceptable to me too. And I understand why you're mad - you should be mad.

But it's not gonna change unless you change it.

IMO, it is not a childish move, but one to be taken only when all other options have failed.


But it is a situation wherein you can say, "Pack YOUR suitcase and leave!" Again, I'm sorry that this is a harsh opinion, but I've been in similar situations, and in the end the only two choices left were either to leave or to kick someone out. The first time, I left and ended up homeless (due to lack of preparation on my part). Every time after that, it's been "My way or the highway". I hate ultimatums, but sometimes they're our only options.


I hope it works. Even if it means you have to fill it out yourself and just have him sign it, this may be a step in the right direction. At least, there will be a record on file that you can refer to in any future steps you take.

All right. In all fairness I need to say something. I stood up for you when I felt others were being unreasonable in their interactions with you, but the above is just plain mean in light of the fact that there are many people here, spending their time, trying to help you figure something out. Having AS does not give your son a license to be rude to others. Nor does it give you one. Nor anyone on this site.

No one is "making you a bad person." But posts like the above will not help people see otherwise. I am not saying this to be harsh or mean. I genuinely feel compassion for you. I would hate to find myself in your shoes and I can only try to imagine how hard it must be. But if you are going to come here and ask for support or advice, please try to remember that the vast majority of the people here only want to help. We may not always have the answers, but we do our best.

I don't know what you want. To be told that your husband and son are a$$es? To be told that this is 100% out of your control? What?

I am aware that it may be your level of stress that is causing you to lash out at people, so for now I will give you the benefit of the doubt. But if I were in your shoes right now, personally, I would apologize and ask to start over.

What is it that you want from us? How can we help you?

From what I've heard, even partents of the severely affected (ie needing 24 hour support) have a hard time finding services after they age out of the school system, so I'm not surprised the OP is not finding much help.

It seems to me there must be some middle ground somewhere between putting up with the current situation and kicking the son out on the streets. He will sink if forced out, so somehow this has to be tackled with baby steps.

The OP says she has chickens -- is the land large enough to put a trailer or camper van in the yard and tell the son to hang out there at night? If she has her own business, is there some way for him to work for her, so that the business can make more money?

In our area there is a charity run by a priest that has homeless shelters and training programs to help get people off the street and into jobs. If she lived here, I would suggest contacting them to see if there was some way to skip the homelessness step and get him into one of their programs.

I honestly don't know what you do with someone who is 30 years old, unemployable, with a bad attitude.