Physical punishment
07 Feb 2014, 1:18 pm
League_Girl wrote:
Being a parent, I find it's impossible to reason with a toddler. I have kept hearing on herein the past how parents "control" their kids and punish them and were against giving out consequences but none of those members had children. I have seen a few say on here how you can't reason with a two year old or with a four year old. Having my own, they're right, you can't reason with them. I can explain to my son why he can't do things and why he should do something and he still won't listen because they don't understand so that is why parents slap their hands or give them a swat on their behind or give them a time out because it teaches them to not do it or that happens. Then when kids to start to understand and can be reasoned with, then they are too old for a spanking. That is around kindergarten.
It may feel like we are being controlling because we are always telling our kids what to do and what not to do but we have to remember they are young and don't understand so we can't reason with them yet so all we can do is keep doing what we have to.
Some parents feel they have to give a kid a little pain when they are about to do something dangerous like putting their fingers in the sockets or trying to put their hand on the hot stove or giving them a swat in the butt to startle them when they run out in the street or take off while others may just keep them out of the room or redirect them or run and grab them and pull them away. Some just slap their hand when they touch things they aren't supposed to touch like when I was a baby, if I touched anything above the first bookshelf, my hand got swat so I learned to not touch anything above it except for the bottom or my hand gets hit. I can remember when we got a new fridge in our new house, it was one of those fridges with a ice making machine and you can get water from it too with ice and it was on the freezer door. My brother would get his hand slapped for playing with the thing you press the cup on for water. All that did was if I wanted to play with it, all I had to do was get my brother to do it for me and he would get the blame if mom catches him doing it and he would be the one with his hand slapped, not me. When my son wouldn't stop pushing buttons on the TV set, I put cardboard over them and taped it to the TV set so he couldn't play with them wrecking them. Surprisingly, some parents are against parents putting stuff over their TV buttons and closing off things because they feel the kid has to explore. I guess some parents feel they have to sacrifice their stuff for it to get ruined so their baby can explore.
It may feel like we are being controlling because we are always telling our kids what to do and what not to do but we have to remember they are young and don't understand so we can't reason with them yet so all we can do is keep doing what we have to.
Some parents feel they have to give a kid a little pain when they are about to do something dangerous like putting their fingers in the sockets or trying to put their hand on the hot stove or giving them a swat in the butt to startle them when they run out in the street or take off while others may just keep them out of the room or redirect them or run and grab them and pull them away. Some just slap their hand when they touch things they aren't supposed to touch like when I was a baby, if I touched anything above the first bookshelf, my hand got swat so I learned to not touch anything above it except for the bottom or my hand gets hit. I can remember when we got a new fridge in our new house, it was one of those fridges with a ice making machine and you can get water from it too with ice and it was on the freezer door. My brother would get his hand slapped for playing with the thing you press the cup on for water. All that did was if I wanted to play with it, all I had to do was get my brother to do it for me and he would get the blame if mom catches him doing it and he would be the one with his hand slapped, not me. When my son wouldn't stop pushing buttons on the TV set, I put cardboard over them and taped it to the TV set so he couldn't play with them wrecking them. Surprisingly, some parents are against parents putting stuff over their TV buttons and closing off things because they feel the kid has to explore. I guess some parents feel they have to sacrifice their stuff for it to get ruined so their baby can explore.
League_Girl, I think you may have addressed my questions and why parents think the way they think. What you're saying is that one can't run until he knows how to walk. He can't walk unless he knows how to crawl and he can't crawl unless he knows how to sit meaning reasoning with them is starting at step 4 instead of starting at step 5. What you're saying is the fear of consequences has to be instilled into them first and as they grow up and gain more knowledge and wisdom then things will make more sense to them. So, it has to be a step-wide progression is what you're saying, am I correct?
So it would seem to me that those who are for the punishment model and are against are both kind of right. Emile is kind of right, you're kind of right, OOM is kind of right, adamantium is kind of right, Schneekugel is kind of right and OOM is kind of right. If you all have points then what is the best way to raise a child is a combination of your different points put together as stages in which some children will progress faster than others. One day, I am going to be a father and these discussions will help me.
07 Feb 2014, 2:24 pm
ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
When my son wouldn't stop pushing buttons on the TV set, I put cardboard over them and taped it to the TV set so he couldn't play with them wrecking them. Surprisingly, some parents are against parents putting stuff over their TV buttons and closing off things because they feel the kid has to explore. I guess some parents feel they have to sacrifice their stuff for it to get ruined so their baby can explore.
I think the cardboard thing was really smart! We just tried to put as much stuff, high out reach as we could and did the usual child-proofing for everything else. I did not know people actually say that you should not child-proof things. I was under the impression you were supposed to child-proof so that the things they got their hands on would be safe and not easily trashable. This way you could let them explore without constantly telling them, "no" all the time. We had certain things we could not figure out how to child proof, and we just had to be vigilant until we could figure out workarounds for those few things I could not child proof.
I agree--mechanical barriers are a great way to make things safe for the little ones.
I can recall having a conversation with my kids about dangerously hot things when they were toddlers. I put a hot towel on the table in front of them. "Don't touch!" I said, "Hot!"
They almost immediately put their hands on it, then yanked them back in surprise. "That's what I mean when I say not to touch," I said, kissing and blowing on their hands. I suppose this was a little cruel. I allowed them to experience a very small, predictable, controlled amount of pain, in the hopes that this would prevent real danger in some other circumstance.
I did prefer to do it that way than smack them, because I wanted them to understand that this rule was about protecting them from dangers in the environment, not submitting to my will. Maybe that's a trivial distinction but it felt more in keeping with my ethics than striking them, even in a benevolent cause.
I would "let them explore" and learn lessons about destruction only in a protected environment. I sometimes gave them small gadgets, knowing they would quickly break them, just to give them the opportunity to learn about breaking things without damaging anything of real value.
I have found that the most hurtful thing I do is to reveal disappointment--They hate to feel that I disapprove and am disappointed by something they have done. Knowing this, I try hard not to be disappointed, or show it, unless they have done something quite bad. This seems to be a very effective deterrent, but I notice that what works with my son is a bit different than what works with my daughter.
07 Feb 2014, 3:30 pm
I think lot of parents wouldn't want their kids hurting themselves like burning themselves or giving themselves an electric shock risking death or having them get hit by a car. These are not lessons parents would want their kids to learn and then having a dead child or having to go into ER and having to pay a huge medical bill and be in debt or going bankrupt. Now with ACA this might not be an issue anymore for if a kid has an accident and the parents have to take them to the ER. I hear it's not uncommon for families to take their kids to ER. It has happened to every parent at least once with their child because my brothers both went into ER once after an accident. I went to one when I was an infant when I fell off the bed and had a ugly bump on my head. The worst fear any parent would have is getting social services involved and being charged with abuse or negligence because they let their kid do something dangerous. I wouldn't even let my son in the kitchen when I was cooking with water because I was afraid I would spill it on him if he was in my way and he gets covered in burns and I get charged with abuse like this one mother did in Montana when she accidentally burned her daughter with hot water while giving him a bath because she didn't see her son turning the faucet making the water hot so when she stuck her in there, she got burned. This happened to a co worker's daughter when her kids were one and three. She never got them back and one got adopted out and the other remained in foster care and the mother was able to have two more children and kept them. That was a scary story and I sure didn't want to ever accidentally burn my own kids so I always locked my son out of the kitchen while boiling water if he didn't listen to me when I would tell him to stay out of my way or he might get hurt. I didn't even want one drop falling on him either.
My husband always said owie and told our son he will get owies and say "it will give you owies." That made him understand and I do see you do have to dumb down your language sometimes and use cute words because that is the only way to get them to understand. One time my son wouldn't stop bouncing and jumping in a chair and I kept telling him to not stand on it and to sit and not jump on it or he will break the chair and he kept asking "owie?" and I said "No you will wreck it so stop." He kept doing it and I told him to stop and he kept asking owie and finally I said "Yes, owie, the chair will get an owie" and he seemed to have accept that answer because he listened finally. I felt like I was being manipulative but that was the answer he would accept if something would give him an owie or if something would be broken. I started to say he will give things owies because it got him to listen. He wouldn't accept it unless it was broken or owie so I felt I was being manipulative because I was saying everything will give him owies because it was the only answer he would accept.
I guess a few parents are willing to take risks for their kids to hurt themselves to teach them. I also tell my son I am not happy with him but he still does what he does. :shrugs: Like I say, every kid is different. Maybe I should try the word "disappointment" and see if it has any affect like it was suggested here. That is why I try not to judge how parents deal with their children and how they raise them because I don't know their kids and what works with them and what doesn't work because each kid is different. Like I know one father who is my brother in law, he won't let his kid take any classes like karate. Now it's easy to automatically judge this parent and think he is being cheap or think he is being unreasonable and selfish and some may think maybe he is too poor to sign his kid up for class but the real reason is, his son always quits after one try if he isn't good at it. He will play a game or do a class and see he messed up or isn't good and quit and not keep trying so it's a waste of money so he decides he is not buying him new video games or signing him up for any new classes and my husband suggested he should try and make a deal with him like try it for a week or a month and then he can quit. I thought that was a good idea. If he wants to do a class, he has to do it for a month before he is allowed to quit or else he can't do anymore classes in the future if he breaks that promise.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
07 Feb 2014, 5:22 pm
cubedemon6073 wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
Being a parent, I find it's impossible to reason with a toddler. I have kept hearing on herein the past how parents "control" their kids and punish them and were against giving out consequences but none of those members had children. I have seen a few say on here how you can't reason with a two year old or with a four year old. Having my own, they're right, you can't reason with them. I can explain to my son why he can't do things and why he should do something and he still won't listen because they don't understand so that is why parents slap their hands or give them a swat on their behind or give them a time out because it teaches them to not do it or that happens. Then when kids to start to understand and can be reasoned with, then they are too old for a spanking. That is around kindergarten.
It may feel like we are being controlling because we are always telling our kids what to do and what not to do but we have to remember they are young and don't understand so we can't reason with them yet so all we can do is keep doing what we have to.
Some parents feel they have to give a kid a little pain when they are about to do something dangerous like putting their fingers in the sockets or trying to put their hand on the hot stove or giving them a swat in the butt to startle them when they run out in the street or take off while others may just keep them out of the room or redirect them or run and grab them and pull them away. Some just slap their hand when they touch things they aren't supposed to touch like when I was a baby, if I touched anything above the first bookshelf, my hand got swat so I learned to not touch anything above it except for the bottom or my hand gets hit. I can remember when we got a new fridge in our new house, it was one of those fridges with a ice making machine and you can get water from it too with ice and it was on the freezer door. My brother would get his hand slapped for playing with the thing you press the cup on for water. All that did was if I wanted to play with it, all I had to do was get my brother to do it for me and he would get the blame if mom catches him doing it and he would be the one with his hand slapped, not me. When my son wouldn't stop pushing buttons on the TV set, I put cardboard over them and taped it to the TV set so he couldn't play with them wrecking them. Surprisingly, some parents are against parents putting stuff over their TV buttons and closing off things because they feel the kid has to explore. I guess some parents feel they have to sacrifice their stuff for it to get ruined so their baby can explore.
It may feel like we are being controlling because we are always telling our kids what to do and what not to do but we have to remember they are young and don't understand so we can't reason with them yet so all we can do is keep doing what we have to.
Some parents feel they have to give a kid a little pain when they are about to do something dangerous like putting their fingers in the sockets or trying to put their hand on the hot stove or giving them a swat in the butt to startle them when they run out in the street or take off while others may just keep them out of the room or redirect them or run and grab them and pull them away. Some just slap their hand when they touch things they aren't supposed to touch like when I was a baby, if I touched anything above the first bookshelf, my hand got swat so I learned to not touch anything above it except for the bottom or my hand gets hit. I can remember when we got a new fridge in our new house, it was one of those fridges with a ice making machine and you can get water from it too with ice and it was on the freezer door. My brother would get his hand slapped for playing with the thing you press the cup on for water. All that did was if I wanted to play with it, all I had to do was get my brother to do it for me and he would get the blame if mom catches him doing it and he would be the one with his hand slapped, not me. When my son wouldn't stop pushing buttons on the TV set, I put cardboard over them and taped it to the TV set so he couldn't play with them wrecking them. Surprisingly, some parents are against parents putting stuff over their TV buttons and closing off things because they feel the kid has to explore. I guess some parents feel they have to sacrifice their stuff for it to get ruined so their baby can explore.
League_Girl, I think you may have addressed my questions and why parents think the way they think. What you're saying is that one can't run until he knows how to walk. He can't walk unless he knows how to crawl and he can't crawl unless he knows how to sit meaning reasoning with them is starting at step 4 instead of starting at step 5. What you're saying is the fear of consequences has to be instilled into them first and as they grow up and gain more knowledge and wisdom then things will make more sense to them. So, it has to be a step-wide progression is what you're saying, am I correct?
I assume you mean this metaphorically because some babies skipping to learning to walk from crawling or skip to crawling than learning to sit up.
I notice a toddler is a lot like a puppy. You know how people train puppies to behave, I felt like I was a puppy when I look back because I had to be trained or I get a consequence and someone told me at AFF that is the way it is with toddlers. I don't think they really understand right from wrong, they just know it's wrong because mommy says so or daddy says so and they will get (insert consequence here). That is how a kid normally thinks about knowing right from wrong. It doesn't really mean they truly know right from wrong IMO. They only know it's wrong because a grown up says so or they will get in trouble if they do it. When I was little, I didn't understand lot of stuff and it's amazing how much my own son understands at his age. I had no understanding of things around me because words were just gibberish and I couldn't just watch a educational TV show and learn from it because it was just pictures and blah blah blah. But my brother was very advanced at his age and learned to talk real early and I think he understood more than a average three year old. Some kids are more advanced than others.
I guess that is what parents are doing what you said, fear of consequences. My mom told me it all starts when they are young, teaching them and teaching them to follow the rules because it gets harder to teach them when they are older. That also applies to other things too like putting them to bed, that starts when they are young before they start school or else it will be very hard to make them go to bed at eight when they are five years old or six when they start school in the morning and then are in it full day.
Why don't you have kids yet? Is your wife waiting or are you two not ready to be parents yet?
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
07 Feb 2014, 5:42 pm
League_Girl wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
Being a parent, I find it's impossible to reason with a toddler. I have kept hearing on herein the past how parents "control" their kids and punish them and were against giving out consequences but none of those members had children. I have seen a few say on here how you can't reason with a two year old or with a four year old. Having my own, they're right, you can't reason with them. I can explain to my son why he can't do things and why he should do something and he still won't listen because they don't understand so that is why parents slap their hands or give them a swat on their behind or give them a time out because it teaches them to not do it or that happens. Then when kids to start to understand and can be reasoned with, then they are too old for a spanking. That is around kindergarten.
It may feel like we are being controlling because we are always telling our kids what to do and what not to do but we have to remember they are young and don't understand so we can't reason with them yet so all we can do is keep doing what we have to.
Some parents feel they have to give a kid a little pain when they are about to do something dangerous like putting their fingers in the sockets or trying to put their hand on the hot stove or giving them a swat in the butt to startle them when they run out in the street or take off while others may just keep them out of the room or redirect them or run and grab them and pull them away. Some just slap their hand when they touch things they aren't supposed to touch like when I was a baby, if I touched anything above the first bookshelf, my hand got swat so I learned to not touch anything above it except for the bottom or my hand gets hit. I can remember when we got a new fridge in our new house, it was one of those fridges with a ice making machine and you can get water from it too with ice and it was on the freezer door. My brother would get his hand slapped for playing with the thing you press the cup on for water. All that did was if I wanted to play with it, all I had to do was get my brother to do it for me and he would get the blame if mom catches him doing it and he would be the one with his hand slapped, not me. When my son wouldn't stop pushing buttons on the TV set, I put cardboard over them and taped it to the TV set so he couldn't play with them wrecking them. Surprisingly, some parents are against parents putting stuff over their TV buttons and closing off things because they feel the kid has to explore. I guess some parents feel they have to sacrifice their stuff for it to get ruined so their baby can explore.
It may feel like we are being controlling because we are always telling our kids what to do and what not to do but we have to remember they are young and don't understand so we can't reason with them yet so all we can do is keep doing what we have to.
Some parents feel they have to give a kid a little pain when they are about to do something dangerous like putting their fingers in the sockets or trying to put their hand on the hot stove or giving them a swat in the butt to startle them when they run out in the street or take off while others may just keep them out of the room or redirect them or run and grab them and pull them away. Some just slap their hand when they touch things they aren't supposed to touch like when I was a baby, if I touched anything above the first bookshelf, my hand got swat so I learned to not touch anything above it except for the bottom or my hand gets hit. I can remember when we got a new fridge in our new house, it was one of those fridges with a ice making machine and you can get water from it too with ice and it was on the freezer door. My brother would get his hand slapped for playing with the thing you press the cup on for water. All that did was if I wanted to play with it, all I had to do was get my brother to do it for me and he would get the blame if mom catches him doing it and he would be the one with his hand slapped, not me. When my son wouldn't stop pushing buttons on the TV set, I put cardboard over them and taped it to the TV set so he couldn't play with them wrecking them. Surprisingly, some parents are against parents putting stuff over their TV buttons and closing off things because they feel the kid has to explore. I guess some parents feel they have to sacrifice their stuff for it to get ruined so their baby can explore.
League_Girl, I think you may have addressed my questions and why parents think the way they think. What you're saying is that one can't run until he knows how to walk. He can't walk unless he knows how to crawl and he can't crawl unless he knows how to sit meaning reasoning with them is starting at step 4 instead of starting at step 5. What you're saying is the fear of consequences has to be instilled into them first and as they grow up and gain more knowledge and wisdom then things will make more sense to them. So, it has to be a step-wide progression is what you're saying, am I correct?
I assume you mean this metaphorically because some babies skipping to learning to walk from crawling or skip to crawling than learning to sit up.
I notice a toddler is a lot like a puppy. You know how people train puppies to behave, I felt like I was a puppy when I look back because I had to be trained or I get a consequence and someone told me at AFF that is the way it is with toddlers. I don't think they really understand right from wrong, they just know it's wrong because mommy says so or daddy says so and they will get (insert consequence here). That is how a kid normally thinks about knowing right from wrong. It doesn't really mean they truly know right from wrong IMO. They only know it's wrong because a grown up says so or they will get in trouble if they do it. When I was little, I didn't understand lot of stuff and it's amazing how much my own son understands at his age. I had no understanding of things around me because words were just gibberish and I couldn't just watch a educational TV show and learn from it because it was just pictures and blah blah blah. But my brother was very advanced at his age and learned to talk real early and I think he understood more than a average three year old. Some kids are more advanced than others.
I guess that is what parents are doing what you said, fear of consequences. My mom told me it all starts when they are young, teaching them and teaching them to follow the rules because it gets harder to teach them when they are older. That also applies to other things too like putting them to bed, that starts when they are young before they start school or else it will be very hard to make them go to bed at eight when they are five years old or six when they start school in the morning and then are in it full day.
Why don't you have kids yet? Is your wife waiting or are you two not ready to be parents yet?
I did mean it metaphorically. Do I have the correct concept at least?
We're waiting about 4-5 years give or take. We're trying to make our non-profit a success and create me a job in it as a grant writer. I already got our non-profit some gift cards from Family dollar, Kroger and Publix worth $500.00, $100.00, $75.00, respectively. My wife thinks I have excellent writing skills. The issue is I have certain traits that do not lend themselves for me to be in a regular 9-5 job and they are 1. I overthink, 2. I am extremely slow and to methodical, 3. My personality traits do not lend themselves to the personality that employers want. This is the part I have wrestled with. I am a deep, introverted thinker and philosopher type.
My wife is a very grounded, down to earth and more into the practical. In her mind, she always has to be doing something and not be just thinking about it. Sometimes I can go to deep into things and it can drive or batty meaning annoy her. The workplace is like this as well. By what you have written, you sort of have the personality trait of being more into the practical like she does. Unless I have misunderstood the posts you have written you're the type who likes to get things done as well. You're parents especially your mother raised you to be that way I believe.
For me, I live more in the world of ideas and theory. It is why I ask so many questions. I can go to extremely into the world of ideas and theory causing me to overthink on things impacting my ability to get things done. I have the feeling though that if we lived together I may drive you crazy (annoy you extremely) if you share some of the similar characteristics that my wife does like dealing in the practical over the theoretical. This is one of the many reasons I have difficulty holding and keeping a job.
07 Feb 2014, 6:18 pm
Don't wait too long to have kids or it will get too late. I wouldn't want to be in my forties and finally starting a family of my own. Plus fertility level drops when you get to age 26 so it makes it harder to conceive. That is why teens and young adults get pregnant so fast when they have sex.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
Last edited by League_Girl on 08 Feb 2014, 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
07 Feb 2014, 7:55 pm
League_Girl wrote:
I guess a few parents are willing to take risks for their kids to hurt themselves to teach them. I also tell my son I am not happy with him but he still does what he does. :shrugs: Like I say, every kid is different. Maybe I should try the word "disappointment" and see if it has any affect like it was suggested here.
I wasn't recommending it as an intervention, just pointing out that for some families, that is regarded as the worst thing the parents could say, and gets as strong an emotional reaction as other families may get from a spank. My point with that is that if you're careful and consistent with your communication (as in your example of "owie"), you can effectively communicate all you need with just words (from high praise to extreme criticism), and don't need to use force or fear to get a point across. If the norm in a household is shouting and slapping, calm words will often get ignored, and reasonable modes of communication become harder and harder to use (it's not impossible to work back from this, but it does take some time).
This gets to that point of control that Adamantium brought up recently. Parents have a lot of control over their own actions, but less over the actions of their child (or at least that's how it should be). By exhibiting some self-restraint and control, they can teach their child (through modeling) to do the same, and to be aware of their surroundings and rules.
08 Feb 2014, 9:43 am
League_Girl wrote:
Don't too long to have kids or it will get too late. I wouldn't want to be in my forties and finally starting a family of my own. Plus fertility level drops when you get to age 26 so it makes it harder to conceive. That is why teens and young adults get pregnant so fast when they have sex.
Slight tangent, but I really agree with you on this, League_Girl. Also, you have an insane amount of energy and stamina in your late teens and early adult years and that drops off disturbingly quickly as you near 30. You think that energy is a gift from nature, but later realize that it is there to support the stresses of reproduction.
I suppose there is a lot of variation in this, but when I was 19, I could stay up all night, have a busy morning, take a 20 minute nap after lunch and feel completely fine after that. Now I feel pretty wrecked for the whole day if I get less than four hours of sleep.
The reality of parenting, for most, that is hard to understand before you are in it is that in the first 9 months, you get no sleep. My situation was that I had twins who wanted to be fed every four hours and managed to get two hours out of phase with each other. That was weeks and weeks and weeks of never sleeping for more than two hours. And my son had lots of digestive issues so it was often worse than that. Most parents don't have it quite that bad, but sustained sleep deprivation is a pretty normal part of the first year.
There are all kinds of reasons why people have kids later, but if you can possibly get your stuff together to do it younger, that is clearly what our biology is best configured for. It's a shame that our social constructs don't support this reality.
08 Feb 2014, 10:26 am
Adamantium wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
Don't too long to have kids or it will get too late. I wouldn't want to be in my forties and finally starting a family of my own. Plus fertility level drops when you get to age 26 so it makes it harder to conceive. That is why teens and young adults get pregnant so fast when they have sex.
Slight tangent, but I really agree with you on this, League_Girl. Also, you have an insane amount of energy and stamina in your late teens and early adult years and that drops off disturbingly quickly as you near 30. You think that energy is a gift from nature, but later realize that it is there to support the stresses of reproduction.
I suppose there is a lot of variation in this, but when I was 19, I could stay up all night, have a busy morning, take a 20 minute nap after lunch and feel completely fine after that. Now I feel pretty wrecked for the whole day if I get less than four hours of sleep.
The reality of parenting, for most, that is hard to understand before you are in it is that in the first 9 months, you get no sleep. My situation was that I had twins who wanted to be fed every four hours and managed to get two hours out of phase with each other. That was weeks and weeks and weeks of never sleeping for more than two hours. And my son had lots of digestive issues so it was often worse than that. Most parents don't have it quite that bad, but sustained sleep deprivation is a pretty normal part of the first year.
There are all kinds of reasons why people have kids later, but if you can possibly get your stuff together to do it younger, that is clearly what our biology is best configured for. It's a shame that our social constructs don't support this reality.
Honestly, it may be to late for me already.
08 Feb 2014, 11:28 am
I was two years older than you when we had my twins.
It was tough, but we are all here and relatively happy! You can do it, but don't wait until you are older than forty! You don't want to be chasing a ten-year-old at fifty something (there are many who do, but I am sure it is not optimal!)
There were days in the first year when I just wept from sheer exhaustion. I had no idea then that "the thing" that made me different was autism, so I did not have an understanding of related issues to help make sense of my experience.
I had some odd moments. in retrospect, I think I would call these shutdowns and dissociative experiences.
On the other side, there is plenty of pure joy. My children both were very affectionate and I can't say I have known any greater pleasure in life than laughing together with them, or snuggling together. I know this would not be ideal for some with tactile issues--thankfully not an issue in our family. But really, there is nothing like watching your children grow and come to know the world.
Don't be discouraged by the recommendation to do it as young as possible. If you are in a relationship and considering children, don't let this stop you. On the other hand, know what you are getting into. If you are going to do it, better sooner than later.
08 Feb 2014, 1:08 pm
My husband was 35 when he had his first child almost 36. Now he will be 39 when we have our daughter. I am a lot younger than him so while I would still be old enough to have kids, he would be in his forties and I have to really think should I have kids in my thirties when he is in his forties. I don't want any in my late thirties and I think two is enough for us due to budget and it would mean getting a new car to fit an extra child like a mini van. Plus each pregnancy is harder on your body and more uncomfortable. That is what my doctor told me and he based this on of all his pregnant patients he has had and lot of them say they feel more uncomfortable with this baby than their last one.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
08 Feb 2014, 9:11 pm
cubedemon6073 wrote:
League_Girl and Adamantium, I just read some of the stories from aspartners and I'm just afraid I may inadvertently harm the child if the child is NT. I do have issues that I have to deal with. Would I make a good father?
It's hard to say if we don't know how you're affected by your condition. What I would do is read the posts there and don't do what those aspie fathers do to their kids. Don't be that kind of person. Read it as how not to raise your kids.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
08 Feb 2014, 10:02 pm
League_Girl wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
League_Girl and Adamantium, I just read some of the stories from aspartners and I'm just afraid I may inadvertently harm the child if the child is NT. I do have issues that I have to deal with. Would I make a good father?
It's hard to say if we don't know how you're affected by your condition. What I would do is read the posts there and don't do what those aspie fathers do to their kids. Don't be that kind of person. Read it as how not to raise your kids.
Which is what I'm doing.
08 Feb 2014, 10:13 pm
cubedemon6073 wrote:
League_Girl and Adamantium, I just read some of the stories from aspartners and I'm just afraid I may inadvertently harm the child if the child is NT. I do have issues that I have to deal with. Would I make a good father?
I think this is a good reason for you not to go there anymore. You don't want to have their hate seep into your consciousness at any level.
Can you be affectionate? Do you feel love? Can you express that feeling? Can you express it verbally? Can you express it physically?
If so, you will be an awesome dad--don't worry about anything else.
Even if you have sensory issues that make some aspects of parenting a challenge, you can compensate for almost anything if you can genuinely express love and affection for your kids, it seems to me.
I hug them often and support them with physical gestures and touch often (a hand on the shoulder or back, for example)
I tell them I love them many times each day.
I spend some time being with them and trying to get into their world. They really like it when we can share interests.
My son loves it when I play Minecraft with him. My daughter loves looking at manga and anime with me. These are small things, but the shared activity creates a feeling of closeness that I think is what they crave.
I don't think they will have complaints about me like the ones the Erinyes crow about over at that site--but maybe I am deluded and I am really a crappy dad.
Both my kids tell me often that they love me, and they hug me often, too--so I think I may be doing something right.
