Parenting my adult Aspie - I can't take it anymore

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My 21yo son actually has HFA, but he's matured so much that I think he would be diagnosed with Asperger's now

, so here I am. He so smart. I almost think that makes it harder.

Before I go on, I want to tell you that almost three years ago I had a heart attack at the age of 47, and my doctors are concerned I may be on the verge of another one if I don't get my stress levels under control. This last August, my husband and I separated (we will be divorcing) after 26 years of marriage, and my son and I moved into an apartment together. My son is actually my roommate, and for purposes of SSI, he is paying half of everything.

He is just making me crazy. It's been three days since he showered and he's starting to smell a little ripe. He won't take care of his personal hygiene. He won't take care of his living area (his room and bathroom). He won't clean up after himself, and I am constantly throwing away food he's left out all night. He won't take his pills. He won't let me talk to his regional center caseworker. He looks at porn on my computer.

He can't handle his finances - he is NOT paying half of everything, and so I have to carry him financially. He came close to being arrested this time last year because he was unwittingly kiting checks. It cost me $4000 to get him out of that hole. I can't exactly tell the landlord that my son can't pay his half of the rent. I can't tell the utilities that I'm only paying my half this month. He owes me about $1500, since I've been covering his bills since we moved out in September. He won't be accountable to anyone.

He doesn't drive so he either takes the bus or I drive him. That means when he works at his job until 10 or 10:30 pm, I have to pick him up because the buses aren't running at that hour. Whether or not I'm tired. Whether or not I'm sick.

We argue constantly. Even if I refuse to argue and I just give in to what he wants, he gets angry because I'm not arguing with him. He has absolutely no sense of time, so I am perpetually waiting for him. He also has very severe unmedicated ADHD. He hasn't taken his pills for his other stuff, including his lithium, in days. He used to have meltdowns that would injure me. Now he's always yelling at me, and frankly, I'm starting to fear for myself again. He has a good 6 inches and 70 pounds on me.

And I am not allowed to talk to him about any of this, or he pitches a fit.

My cardiologist says he has to go. The emergency room doctor says I may not make it through the next big argument we have. My chest hurts all the time, and I've been having palpitations that make me feel like I'm going to pass out. My hair is falling out. I just keep losing weight. To be honest, I'm seriously contemplating suicide, although if this goes on much longer, suicide will be a nonissue because I will have my final heart attack. When I talk to my mom, she just acts like I'm being melodramatic. My sister works for regional center, but in the early intervention unit. My son doesn't want to go live with his dad at the old house because his dad has his married mistress there. My family has never really believed that my son has these problems, so they just act like he's NT.

I don't know what to do or who to talk to who will really understand what's at stake here. I'm not going to do anything because I have a grandson whom I adore (my daughter's son) and a granddaughter on the way, and I don't want to do that to my kids. But I do know that this just can't continue. I'm already grief-stricken over my marriage, and I just can't take arguing with my son every day. It's literally killing me.

I am so tired of taking care of him. I can just back off and let him do what he's going to do, but I have to live here too, and I can't handle the degree of mess he's willing to live with, and I'm certainly not interested in living with any vermin that might be attracted to the mess. I've been taking care of him for the last 21 years, through the meltdowns and IEPs and going nose to nose with the school and regional center and my family and his father. I'm tired, and I don't want to do it anymore. I feel so trapped. I pray, I read my Bible, I pray. I still want to die and kind of hope I DO have another heart attack.

Can someone please help me? Can someone please tell me what to do?

If only more parents understood this. I think I tried making the same point about kids not asking to be born, and someone said "How can kids ask if they want to be born?" Of course, that's typical of some of the flak I get here, when I offer advice someone doesn't want to hear. Then they just say "You're not a parent!" as if my insights aren't beneficial cause I haven't had a child. I know more than parents here about their childrens' lives, because I'm at the same age as most of their kids. If not, I do know a lot about stuff for younger kids, cause I still enjoy those things myself. It seems in the USA that means someone is horribly childish and regressed, in Japan it's not considered horribly maladaptive for a grown women to like the same cute things she did from when she was a child.

So I like to feel I do have insights to thinks parents may not have thought of. Between getting hassled for not being a parent here at times, as well as being told "Your not a parent!" when I try to explain my Hyperacusis to parents in real life, and that I am letting them know to help them because I cannot tolerate sudden loud noises, or extremely high pitched noises. It sometimes gets to the point concerning that, where I feel like why should I bother. Perhaps maybe cause unlike some parents, I care more about their children, where as they seem to care about their convenience first.

Holy zombie thread, Batman! I don't think the OP posts here anymore, so it's probably not going to help posting advice on this thread.

Part of that's because here in the good ol'USA we're a rather ageist society that's so full of sh** it ain't even funny. Let's face it, if we did live in Japan, we'd at least be considered somewhat normal. I don't know if it's customary for Japanese women to be living with their parents for until they're married, but I did read somewhere that it's so for Japanese men.