What would have helped me as an Aspie child

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it would've been good for me if my parents and teachers would've understood that i couldn't help it. i couldn't stop myself from daydreaming, i couldn't focus on math, i couldn't just run and play and understand how to be a part of the group, i couldn't "get involved" in sports and afterschool activities. i wish extra steps were taken in my education. i think i'd just have liked to have known that i really was different, and it wasn't just some kind of paranoia or self-esteem issue. if i would have known that, i wouldn't have thought i was such a failure at everything. everyone told me i was bright, but that i didn't apply myself. my teachers embarrassed me constantly, my peers thought i was crazy, and my parents never thought i was trying.

it would've helped if they knew i couldn't help it, and if they would've reassured me of that and helped me where needed, instead of fight me on it, it would've changed my life!

well looking back as an adult (27 with aspergers) i'v had a pretty good family that was supportive (was adopted at 4 yrs old) into a family that split up. i guess you can say even though i have 2 family sides) only one adoptive mom and dad. as my mom died when i was 4 who was diabetic.

anyway i completed high school in 2000 and then it pretty much just was to much for me when i started working in the grocery industry. about 4 yrs ago. problem with aspergers is that when i was in school 15 yrs old, there was no such thing as aspergers, and for me i believe anxiety,stress is a major factor of people with aspergers, as i had several family members die, and lost some good friends, and even almost lost my brother to drugs. i believe that people with aspergers usually has a severe side of anxiety, stress and most likely are diagnosed with anxiety disorder or PTSD before aspergers is diagnosed.

looking back here are the changes that need to be added in my opinion for people who have add,aspergers,anxiety disorders.

1. at school do not have group activities but like a full hour of study hall and complete quite in each class.
2. Do not have oral presentation requirements.
3. allow students to have water bottles and listen to music while studying.
4. more support in recognizing people who may be having problems at home or in school.
5. students need to stop harassing people, bullying needs to stop completely.
6. send your aspie children in the summer to summer camps, especially related to backpacking and or computer related fun such as games.
7. In my opinion do not take away or punish or ground your aspie child from the computer and or tv.
8. when they reach jr high,high school have them do internet online courses and or education games at home on a computer instead of going to public school<-very important, and suggest this to reduce them from anxiety and the constantly bulling. perhaps get manopoly and or scrabble the pc game/ etc. so they can learn math and spelling etc.

I know what you mean. I managed to alienate myself from all the other kindergarteners before we even got into the classroom. Why didn't anyone explain to me division and multiplication is not cool to talk about with other 5 year olds.

I'm undiagnosed and I think it would physchologically help me to know that I'm not just crazy and that I do belong in this group with people who are like me. How do I get diagnosed?

I wonder that as well, especially since I was pretty active even without team sports before phys ed ruined things. The thing I hated the most was dodgeball because I was the main target for the ball. There was one kid who threw the ball particuarly hard, and the one time I actually caught the ball, I nearly landed on my butt. I do know that if that happened, the entire class would have laughed. What really put me off of team sports and running was middle school PE when we were forced to run the mile and you were graded on how well you did in sports. I wasn't good, so my grade was never higher than a "C."

As for summer camp and other activities, I actually enjoyed those. I was also in the band, orchestra, and debate team in high school because those were fun, and my parents realized that I had friends in those activities.

1. To have been taught some social skills. My parents were not social, and their attitude was that high grades were all that counted and that if I had those I was "superior" to others who wasted their time on pointless socialising. I therefore grew up to believe that once I started work I would be on the "fast track" and quickly become a senior manager.

It was genuinely traumatic for me when all my "inferior" peers and then juniors started getting promoted above me and I just could not understand why, when my IQ was so much higher than theirs!

2. To have been excused outdoor team sports, especially in winter. I had very real issues, not only with the co-ordination problems, but with being in severe pain in my fingers & toes from the cold. I could never understand why I was the only person who seemed to suffer like this.

3. To have known that I had a recognised condition and that there were others like me. Again, my adult expectations would not have been so high if I had understood that I was not superior, just different. And I would have gone for a more suitable career.

4. To have had access to classes in "life skills". They did not exist in my schooldays, and nowadays in the UK are only given to children & young adults with severe learning difficulties. Because I was usually top in academic subjects, I would not have been considered to fall into this group.

5. To have realised there was a reason why I could not "precis", i.e. summarise, chapters in my textbooks (I tended to paraphrase them instead because I simply couldn't leave anything out!) Also, to have understood that trying to take notes during lectures at University was not an effective learning method for me, and that I was expected to study textbooks outside the lectures as well.

6. To have been encouraged to continue with ballet lessons - telling me that there were progressive graded exams that I could pass would have done the trick! I had no idea of this at the time.

7. To have been encouraged to help with the housework as a child (my mother preferred to do it all herself!) so that I would know how to do it now.

Of course, my parents did a lot of things right - such as allowing me to follow all my interests, and refusing to complain to the school every time I got bullied because "it will only make it worse - you need to learn to deal with it yourself!" which eventually I did.

They also did not try & stop my stimming.

I also did not suffer from such low self-esteem as I might otherwise have done because I was only victimised at school, not at home. And I did have a "best friend" outside of school, although I did not get on very well with any other children.

And I took music lessons, sang in the church & school choirs & did do the ballet for a while. This means that I have a better undersatnding of music now.

I could have used an intro to the basic facts of life. Like what the F-word was and what it meant. I figured out what it was in 6th grade. I figured out what it meant in 8th. I learned about the finger when I accidentally flipped off my mother, trying to show her something on my middle joint. She told me not to do that. I asked why and she explained that it was a bad thing, synonymous with the F word. And I was like, "So what? The F word is just "F&(%." And that's why she had to explain to me what it meant. I was 14.

I wish that I could have had someone that I knew would stand up for me. Every adult that I ever dared talk to about the bullying told me to suck it up or wouldn't believe me or would do something completely ineffectual that just made the bullies madder at me and get me later in the day. I just wanted someone to talk to about everybody talking about me, spreading rumors about me, laughing at me in the hallways, pushing me down the stairs, writing on my shirt in pen, grading my homework wrong, calling me sh!t in public, threatening me every effing day of my life with everything under the sun, including death threats. No one's safe to talk to when you're the weird outcast kid that no one understands and even the teachers laugh at.

And for the love of god, don't tell your kid that they have to get over the way the are because it's just not working. This isn't working, you need to get over yourself, get over being weird, stop reacting so strongly to other people. "Just smile and try to be their friend." That's pure bullsh!t. How come no one ever had to smile and be my effing friend??? They don't want to be my friend!! ! That's why they're treating me like this!

One last thing, tell the kid that there are certain times when it's good to speak and ask questions and the rest of time, just don't. One good trick to use when they're unsure of when that time is, is to think to themselves 3 magical little words: "Do They Care?" It's helped me immensely. Seems like common sense to NTs, but it's something I had to learn; something I didn't figure out until I was in my 20's.

I have a 12 1/2 year old son with aspergers and ADHD. He hates school and will fights about going. once there sometimes he chooses to do nothing. Often he just goes to the office and sits or calls me and is "sick". I don't know what to do. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it typical? I keep reading about how school was easy for many. His anger often seems to overtake him.

School wasn't easy for me. Never was. Maybe it might help him to know that it gets better later and if he doesn't do his work, he's never getting out of there.

It would have helped knowing that there were other "weird" people out there. I went through alot of shrinks, meds, and people in my life to discover that I'm okay. Just march to a different drummer. I raised my son that way and he's probably the most well adjusted AS kid you've ever met.

It was all a mater of faith. Knowing that you weren't alone. Having someone else to talk to about it. Having someone to negotiate the rules for me. That definitely would have been good. Having my parents be more accepted of me 20 years ago would have been good too. It took them much longer than it took me to get over the whole AS thing. Especially because I had my son diagnosed first.

I tell my AS kids that I work with, that it's okay to be yourself. There are other people in the world just like you. And I try to encourage them to reach out to other people.

Hmmm, what would have helped me?

...My parents admitting there was something not quite right about me, for starters. As someone else said, I was always just told, "Oh, you're just SO intelligent, you don't fit in..." "You're so much better than them" (when I complained that I didn't have real friends), etc. It's only recently (i.e. over the past 5 or so years) that I've put 2 and 2 together and realized I am very likely an Aspie. I've spoken with my mother and asked her about myself as a young child and she even admits, now, that YES something was wrong, but my father would have had a fit to believe his little girl wasn't perfect.

...To those who "wished they had been taught socialization early on"... It doesn't work. I was put in virtually every afterschool activity imagineable. Dance, gymnastics, horseback riding, voice lessons, drama lessons, art classes... You name it, I did it. I am still a social moron. I try to fake it, but it never works out. Just this year, I've found that people I've worked closely with for close to a bloody DECADE have been talking about how strange I am behind my back and apparently mocking my conversational skills.

...I'm at a loss, now, for anything else to offer up. Mentioning the mocking thing above has completely thrown me off track and annoyed me to the point that I'm shutting down, somewhat. Argh.

Since when do those activities teach socialization? I think you are confusing social activities with activities designed to teach social skills. They are entirely different activities. And if they weren't most aspie kids won't have trouble with socializing in the first place.

Being taught socialization doesn't mean throwing you together with your peers. Its being taught things like saying, "Hi, how are you" when you meet someone, saying "Oh, how nice/that's interesting" in response to what they are telling you even if its boring stuff you couldn't care less about, looking them in the eye for a few moments, quickly flicking away and to the right, and looking them back in the eye again when talking. I'm quite certain your dance and gymnastics teachers weren't teaching you those kind of things.

Actually, in preschool forms of ALL of those activities, it's ALL about socialization. Taking turns, saying nice things to each other, talking about what you did...

But, yes, I see your point. Continuing with them really offered no "social training" per se.

(My complaint post of the night; sorry.)

I had the same general problem with phys ed. I truly did enjoy being active and doing physical games and whatnot until that class came along. Then it became tests and forced teams and "suggestions" of how to improve combined with kids I either didn't know or didn't like (the feeling was always mutual by that point). It was my least favorite class every single year.



I agree. Both my parents still subscribe to the "go out and be with people and you'll get better" thing. It doesn't work, not at all; it makes everything worse. They know this, I know they do (I've told them), but they do it anyway.

A couple things that's probably helpful, not necessarily for AS, but just in general:

-I know I'm the "responsible" one who does all the "good" stuff without being asked, but I'd like to be noticed for it every once in a while. Not like rewards or anything, but just a nice word every once is a while would be helpful. I don't mean for things I'm supposed to do anyway, but for the times when I go beyond it. For example, I was asked to wash the knives the other day, which I did; I also cleaned the entire kitchen (which I wasn't asked to do). As far as I know, it wasn't even noticed (even though the difference was pretty obvious). Instead of even a thank you (which I didn't even expect; I know better by now, but I'm still a dreamer), I got yelled at for something entirely different, something that I hadn't even done "wrong". The only time I'm really ever noticed, to be honest, is when I'm needed to do something or when I do something wrong.

-I really don't understand double standards. I mean, I get that people are different and all, but I really can't understand why something that's "wonderful!" if my brother does it is "disappointing" if I do. And I don't understand why I have to wait until I'm ___ years until I can do something, but my brother doesn't have to wait at all (he's two years younger). I'd like an explanation.

-For that matter, I'd explanations in general. If they don't have a logical reason for why I shouldn't be allowed to do something, I don't understand why I shouldn't be allowed to. "Because I said so" is not a good reason, as far as I'm concerned.

-It would have been nice if they had pointed out the things I was doing "wrong" a long time ago. They let me go for years with some apparently glaringly unacceptable things, but they didn't tell me. I would have liked to know at the time.

-Paid attention when I asked for help the first time. Instead of waiting two years for me to meltdown in the kitchen to finally think that maybe, hey, I know myself and what I do away from them better than they do.

-Pick a side; love me or hate me, not switch randomly. I'm told sometimes that it's ok the way I am, that they love me; and sometimes I'm told that I'm sick and broken, that I have to be fixed, that I want to be twisted because I'm lazy. It's confusing.

-Don't mock how I act when I'm happy, especially in front of their friends. If I'm not supposed to be visibly happy, let me know; I try not to be now as it is.

I use to be angry with my parents because of the way I was brought up. Now I realise that I was hard to look after and they just didn't know how to look after me. But that said I have a few problems because of the way I was brought up

I was smacked alot because they thought I was always being naughty or cheeky. If they had just talked to me and made sure I understood them it would have been alot better. Also they always complained when I forgot about something (burnt pizza, pie, etc in the oven) They just complained about me all the time. So I would say being positive and trying to help, as a parent, is alot better than constant critism. I was always scared of doing or saying anything which just made my AS worse. Even now my insecurities keep stopping me from doing things, not to mention the AS.

My parents shifted me around alot when I was at school and I hated it. I was always the new kid and it was particularly bad if it was part way during the school year. Also if I made any friends I soon lost them when I changed school. I still can't believe my parents changed my schooling soooo much. It was usually because they took offense to one of the teachers. Or at my favorite school it was because they changed head master. Then when one of my teachers let bullies punch me when she was in the classroom; my parents did nothing about it and I don't think they even believed me. What they didn't know was I had alot of trouble lying and basically never did it or if I did it was extremely obvious. I think my parents expected everyone to lie so they thought I would too. I think trying to understand your AS child is important; though it is hard to fully understand them.

Also if they are feeling overwhelmed then leave them alone. My dad pulled me off my chair when I was a teen because he wanted me to dry the dishes. I was going through a difficult time and needed space.

What I can say is that my mum is a very structured person and that helped me understand what was expected of me. So at least I new what to expect even though I did push boundaries.

Also I hated camps. My parents sent me to one when I wasn't mature enough and I wet the bed. It was not good. Also for some reason I was always scared of camps. I hated sleeping in the same room with so many other people and being pushed into doing activities I didn't want to do. I think it might depend on the individual kid. Some AS kids might like going to camps while others might hate them.

Speaking of expecting everyone to lie . . . I really could have used the knowledge back in middle school that not everyone tells the truth, and sometimes they lie to be mean.

The thought had never occurred to me. Took some really hard lessons to learn it too.