Do parents respect bad kids more?

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There are good parents and there are bad parents. It has nothing to do with the child. Sometimes the parents are just horrible people. Which sounds like the case with your parents.

You can't make this judgement call without hearing his parent's side out. All we're getting is Aspie1's side and point of view.

Aspie1, I do have a question for you. Why didn't you talk to them about not being able to get mushrooms? Why didn't you tell them that you waited and your turn never came. Or, if you did that what was the result?

1) ...I will semi concede. I guess it is worth trying. Just hard for me to wrap my head around because in my household if you dared try and talk back all you'd get was a worse punishment than you originally wouldve

2) That scenario makes sense. The "why didnt you speak up?" question couldve been attributed to lack of social skills, though I think most of the time pizza toppings are pretty easy. Plus, polite people will just ask what people want to save you the trouble. (also: i love mushrooms too! I just never got them cause I was the only one in the family who did lol. Itd be a waste of a pizza cause I only eat like 1 or 2 slices)

3) I would feel terrible if I knew that about my child. But I would hope my child would trust me enough to tell me this and I could sit down and talk to him about why he feels that way. There mustve been a reason if you were suicidal at such a young age, but I doubt that has anything to do with your being a "good or bad" child. Did you ever tell your parents how you feel? Im sure they wouldve been very worried to know you had those thoughts, and wouldve done what they could to try and help you.

4)

That's the thing. Kids generally lack the social skills to negotiate down punishments and not be accused to "talking back". Bad kids, on the other hand, have those skills, by cunning or by force. Maybe they can threaten to call CPS, maybe they can get people outside the family on their side (like I unsuccessfully tried with my therapist), maybe they can retaliate by destroying something of value, or maybe they can assert themselves some other way. But they have the leverage that good kids don't. Which gets parents to respect their wishes more, even if not them personally.

I spoke up many times. One of the three things happened: (1) my family would yell "WAIT!! !", (2) they'd accuse me of being selfish, or (3) they'd tell me how I can't always get everything I want. All while everyone else in the family got what they wanted. If I were a bad child, I'd assert myself in ways I couldn't as a good child. Although CPS workers would snicker at me if I called them over pizza toppings, I'm sure I'd think on my feet and find a way to scare them into action.

Sort of. When I was 7 or 8, I saw a TV documentary on animal shelters, and found out that they put unwanted pets to sleep. Which gave me an idea: if dogs and cats get humanely put to sleep, why can't I? (I had "I want to die" thoughts before then.) After all, nothing I did was good enough, it would stop my misery, and it would let my parents try for a better child. When I mentioned the "idea" to my family, they got so angry, that I didn't dare speak up about it again.

OP. are you familiar with the concept of narcissistic parents? From this and some of your other posts, it sounds like your parents may have been. Please tell me you are no longer in contact with them.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... tic-parent

If my parents were indeed narcissistic while raising me---and therefore only loved me for my good behavior and good grades, and not for me being family---then what stopped my therapist from figuring it out, like you did? I mean, she had a Master's in psychology and was licensed to do social work. I told her countless times how my whole family was treating me. And yet, she didn't help me at all! She only mocked me by smiling and cooing at me, while taking my parents' (and other adults') side in everything.

Was she really that stupid, or just pretending? Or was she simply living up to her job title as Family Therapist, which, as we all know, is a code word for "parents' helper". And as my parents' helper, she took their side without question; after all, they're the ones who hired her.

Did you ever act on those suicidal feelings Aspie1? Or commit yourself to the hospital because you worried that you might act on them? I mean maybe had I known that you can just call emergency services or just go to a hospital er and see a doctor when you feel that way maybe I wouldn't have tried to actually do it when I was 15. But I didn't know there was any help for feeling that way so I just tried to kill myself. For years after my brother kind of seemed to imply a little he didn't think I was really serious....but later on I kind of figure he just means I didn't really want to die, which is true I wanted an end to my misery was more the point than actually wanting to end my whole life. But at 15 seemed reasonable that if the end to my misery would require me to die...than why not.

IDK just since you mention those feelings I am curious if you ever took it as far as I did and attempted.

No. I was told in no uncertain terms how bad suicide was the first time I mentioned it. So as a child, I was afraid of trying it, because I was afraid of, wait for it... getting in trouble if I failed. After all, whatever methods I had in my head might not be successful. Plus, in the back of my mind, I knew I'd be stopped before I carried them out. And as an adolescent, I was afraid of a black mark on my record that would permanently ruin my future, so I didn't dare mention suicidal thoughts to anyone. I turned to alcohol to numb my pain, which helped put most suicidal thoughts to rest; I drink to this day. Going to hell for suicide never deterred me; being thrown into a lake of fire was a piece of cake compared to the life I had.

If your parents were indeed narcissists, they are very good with acting and manipulating. They can easily fool the therapist which is why seeing a therapist has been ineffective with narcissistic abuse victims because they are easily manipulated by the parents. Also N parents will go out of their way to select a certain therapist and if a therapist figures them out, they fire that therapist and take their kid to another therapist who doesn't know their game.

I think all parents are narcissists to some extent, even if slightly. I mean, raising a child takes an astronomical amount of time, money, and effort. It includes but isn't limited to 9 months of pregnancy, 24 hours of painful childbirth, high maternity ward bills, expensive baby food and diapers, many sleepless nights from a crying baby, the Terrible Two's, medical bills from pediatrician visits, and lost wages from maternity/paternity leave. So it make sense that parents want to recoup their investment: by producing a perfect child---someone who obeys them without question and gets straight A's---out of the baby they made. And it also makes sense why they get angry when their child isn't meeting expectations: their investment is going to waste.

And yet, "narcissism" doesn't explain why parents respect bad kids more. I mean, bad kids are the ones producing a poor return on investment, by not doing what they're told. And yet, parents often treat bad kids better than they treat good kids, which comes off as respecting bad kids more. Is it because good kid behaviors (like eagerness to please) often mimic weakness? After all, people don't like weakness, and react to it accordingly. Or did good kids have really bad Terrible Two's, so the apparent lack of respect is a retaliatory measure of sorts, even if they mellowed out later? (While bad kids may have been mellow as two-year-olds, and developed the "badness" later.)

You make children sound like a prize show pony! Besides, this doesnt always apply correctly. My parents for example, skipped all those steps except the pediatrician bills. So....
They have high expectations for me not because Im their child, but because they see the potential I have as an individual and want to see me achieve great things. They expect certain results because they know I can achieve them- it has nothing to do with them "producing a perfect child" since Im not in any way biological related to them.



(......I still dont see how parents respect bad kids more)

Well, you make parents' respect, or even love, sound conditional and transactional. Like a professional cuddle service or... let's not go there! Namely, that it's contingent on the child meeting the parents' expectations, rather than because the child is a family member. That is, parents push down expectations --> the child meets them --> the parents ration out respect/love in return. If the child doesn't meet the expectations, he doesn't get the parents' respect. As for adoption, it has its own challenges, that I won't go into, to avoid the risk of hurting your feelings.

Here's how. Good kids have to work a lot harder than bad kids to get the same amount of respect from their parents. And when they do meet expectations, the parents don't appreciate it, like they do when a bad child does it. In fact, they sometimes ignore a good child when he's good, and only dole out punishments for "badness". Furthermore, a bad child comforting a parents after a difficult day gets a lot more credit than a good child for doing the same thing. In the light of all this, pray tell, what incentive do good kids have for being good? No wonder so many teenagers take up smoking (tobacco and otherwise) and drinking as soon as they can get it!

My own family, both immediate and extended, would rip into me like a pit bull for every little transgression, like not sitting up straight at a table or writing number 8 the wrong way. All while singing praises over other kids they knew, who weren't 1/10th as kind and gentle as I was.

First, thats not really what I was saying. A parents love is unconditional. But I mean, of course your parents are going to be happy and proud of your accomplishments! And yes, they will be disappointed when you dont meet expectations, but that doesnt mean they love you any less. Trust me, Ive spent my whole life trying to make my parents proud of me. I might not have succeed, but despite that disappointment, I know they dont love me any less.



Dont worry, you wont. Ive heard plenty of good and bad over the years. Go ahead and speak your mind. The way you think is interesting.



I dont think its really respect though. Just, lowered expectations because theyve given up on the kid. After repeated bad behavior, a single good deed seems like a miracle. In comparison, a well behaved kid doing one bad thing is shocking and terrible. But not all parents are like that. I get it, my parents picked over every little thing I did too. But I was definitely more a bad kid than a good kid. I was a little devil child for years before I finally grew up and changed my ways. But my parents have always held the same expectations for me regardless. And honestly, bad behavior just got me punishments- not respect. My brothers were practically angels in comparison and they were respected a whole lot more than me. Even though they were "good kids".
And I think the reason the good kids are "ignored" is because good behavior is expected. Its the norm. And bad behavior is well, bad. So thats why you get punished for bad behavior but not necessarily praised for good.

This might well be true for your parents and plenty of other parents, but you don't take into account all the parents who don't love their children or love them conditionally. They exist, not to mention parents who abuse, neglect, abandon and even kill their children, along with other instances where it's impossible to judge their claim of actually loving said children.

Im well aware. Ands its terrible and horrible (and the US is god awful at stopping it) But that isnt the norm. There are more loving parents than abusive parents. Im trying to go by the norm. For the most part, your parents love you no matter what. If we're generalizing "good kids" and "bad kids" than we might as well just generalize the parents too. Im taking the average family, and thinking about the respect between child and parents based on overall behavior.

I would agree that abuse isn't the norm, but as much as I'd like to believe that unconditional parental love is the norm, I have reservations. I'm old, I've seen too much I guess.