HFA + Adolescence + Sexual Exploration

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I'm new and I realize this topic may be pretty heavy for a first time poster, but I am in a situation and I need to reach out to others who have HFA kiddos and there just isn't much support here locally for us.

My son will be 15 soon and he's going through all the confusing teen stuff in addition to dealing with the inappropriate social boundaries etc etc. Last year, he had a 'girl friend' and this girl friend was, for lack of a better phrase, more experienced than my son was. I recently found out, after something happened, that she was pursuing a physical relationship with him on the bus, even though he was clearly clueless (and mostly uninterested, from what he says) about what was going on. I'm ticked off...of course, who wouldn't be - but I fear this may have created an even bigger problem now.

As with most HFA kids, my son relates better to the younger crowd - he finds them less judgmental and easier to 'play' with - he's almost 15 and loves playing with Lego's and playing trucks in the dirt and that type of thing - he finds kids in the age span of about 6-8 years old tend to enjoy this too, so he has no problem hanging out with them and playing.

The problem is, while he is socially on that level, he isn't chronologically on that level, so things that could be seen as innocent exploration for that age group quickly turn to something very bad...even criminal.

We recently had such an issue and while most of the research I have done has indicated this could be a result of the social limitations attributed to his HFA, we're still at a point where he doesn't really grasp the consequences of what has happened, I am totally freaked out. Beyond freaked out actually.

I am working on getting him in to speak to a professional...and I am anxious to hear what she has to say...but I wonder if other parents out there have dealt with their HFA/Aspie child struggling with the whole teen/sex thing.

I am horrified to even write this. I know, in my heart, he really had no idea that he was doing something he shouldn't be doing - but it doesn't make this whole situation any less difficult. Our extended family has totally turn their backs on us and they've made some really hurtful comments - but they're really uneducated about HFA and have spent very limited amounts of time with my son, so they don't truly understand everything that could be behind this.

I am grasping. Heartbroken and devastated and just looking for any advice on how we might deal with this. I have reported the incident with the girl friend to the school. My son rides a special needs bus that should have more supervision than would allow for under-clothing touching, as he has reported to me.

Can someone please give me some advice? Some support? Something...

Hello, and welcome to Wrong Planet

First off, take deep breaths and relax. Nobody has been permanently injured.

Have you tried explaining to your son what he cannot do? Be precise and give lots of examples. I know most parents feel uncomfortable talking about this sort of thing, but then again most children are able to figure out what is and is not appropriate by learning from their peers. Your son unfortunately does not have this ability. So you are going to need to tell him exactly what he can, and cannot do.

He will probably wonder why he can and cannot do the things on the list. Tell him that it isnt up to you, its just the rules of society, and when society get's their rules broken, he goes to jail. Tell him that you dont want him to go to jail, and thus you are letting him know what he should and shouldn't do out of concern. These arent things YOU are forcing on him, they are the rules of society, and you are just trying to keep him safe.

If you carefully explained everything, and have informed him of the danger, then that should likely prevent it from happening again.

Also, while this may not be what you want to hear, he is male, and as such he has the typical male interests. Telling him to keep it all bottled up and never act on his urges doesnt really help him much. Instead you may want to tell him when it is socially acceptable to relieve his urges himself. By that I mean the bathroom at home, and not in public.

Thank you so much for your reply. I was worried about the kind of responses I'd get.

I have explained to him what is right and what is wrong - he seems to have a retention problem, as he'll be told what he can't do then the minute we're out of sight, he's doing it and will say he knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help himself. I don't know, I am just so worried about him.

We've had the sex talk and we're very open about sexuality here in the home. He seems disinterested in talking about sex with his mom (go figure) and dad had the 'sex is bad' mantra preached to him over and over throughout his teen years that even talking about sex when it's the two of us is uncomfortable for him, so I try as hard as I can I guess.

I realize he has normal teen urges (as much as admitting that freaks me out!) and I am even ok with him doing his thing in the bathroom or bedroom, but I guess I haven't emphasized that enough. I have a hard time deciding what is being a supportive mom and what is being a freaky porn mom I guess.

Hopefully we won't run into this again - I just really worry about the social aspects - he has so few friends (none really) and no peer interaction so he tends to make a lot of enemies by making wrong social choices, like this.

Thanks again for your reply.

Wow! You are definitely in a dicey situation! However I think you are handling it in the right way. Your fears are not unfounded. It appears that the first thing you have to get under control is your own emotional reactions to the many facets. You do seem to be holding your own on the emotional front so far, but I think it fairly obvious that it is a real strain on you. You appear to be taking good logical steps, and I feel sorry that your extended family has not shown the compassion and capacities that you have.

On the "self help" side, I think that Tracker is right on the mark with the "Rules" approach. It sounds like you have a good close rapport with your son, and I think you should exploit that to the maximum by repeatedly going over the rules with him, as much as the situation will allow, until you have inculcated those rules into his behavior. However ! this is going to require you to clairify in your own mind what those rules are from your cultural / philosophical viewpoint. The general rules of society today are not good in this case. The sexually loose restraints practiced by much of society require a lot of complexity to avoid utter disaster. I think you will need an enlightened but conservative approach to keep the rules simple enough for him to assimilate as quickly as he needs to. It would have been better if you had seen this coming and started the process earlier (hindsight is 20/20) Don't blame yourself in this however you were obviously blindsided by his girl friend's actions. Without knowing where on the spectrum your son is, it is a little hard to say exactly what to do, but from the sounds of it you are fairly in touch with his capacities.

As far as getting help from a professional, it will be critical that you find a professional that is morally / culturally on the same page as you and your immediate family are. This is because you and the immediate family are the best support system that you son has. Is there a male role model that your son looks up to ? Don't pass this one up. If there is a male role model that can deal with his being HFA, I think the male influence will prove invaluable.

If you do not get good support from the school system, GET HIM OUT OF THERE ! If they are not providing good support, their likely response to any "incident" will be a bureaucratic one, and that will be HELL ! Right now your son needs your help to make proper adjustments and you need to follow your "mother bear" instincts if the situations your son is in put him at risk.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. The fact that you have such an open channel of communication from him is most encouraging and as I said I think you are taking the right approach.

Please be advised that, since I am distant from this situation, that this advice is only guaranteed to be worth as much as you paid for it. However please accept my empathy and encouragement as I think you are showing yourself equal to the task, albeit it is distressing to you.

Well then, it seems as though his problem is not a lack of information, as I originally thought, but a lack of self-control. Impulsivity is an issue faced by many people, both autistic and Neurotypical (NT). In general there is several ways to go about fixing this problem. For starters, teach your son to avoid situations where he is likely to have problems. After all, when somebody is a recovering alcoholic, it would be a bad idea for them to go to bars. Now I'm not saying your son is alcoholic, but the principle stands that if a certain situation, place, or person causes you to have problems controlling your actions, then avoid those circumstances.

Secondly, it is common for people to be more driven by sexual urges the longer they go without. I'm not saying you should encourage your son to spend all day in his room having fun with himself, but the more often he takes care of things himself, the less his sex drive will be. That may help him control himself more easily.

Thirdly, you may want to look into activities that teach self discipline and patience. I am told that martial arts is good for this, but I have no personal experience. Yoga or meditation may be helpful, it really depends on your son.

And fourthly, do keep reminding him (whenever appropriate) what he should and shouldn't do in this regard. It may not work immediately, but if done in a respectful, helpful manner it certainly wont hurt.

Believe it or not, that isn't unusual for males and females. According to OLD standards and ones desired by males, it would be bad for a female to admit she has had experience. Likewise, males seem to have a stigma if THEY haven't had experience. It is like the 3 rule on ameriican pie, YOU know, the GIRLS say to take the boys claims and DEVIDE by three, because they are always exagerating, and 3 may actually mean ZERO! And the boys say to take the girls claims and multiply by 3 or more.

As for doing something wrong? He DIDN'T! It is merely PERCEIVED to be wrong! When I was around 6-7 I had a friend in his FOURTIES! He was the best friend I had! We went fishing, had target practice(WITH REAL GUNS), etc.... He took me to a cloth weaving factory, and an electric car shop(YEAH, in the 70s! They thought they would catch on earlier), gold hunting, etc,,,, He had a screw shop(They made special screws and little components out of metal). He showed me how the machines work, and EVEN let me use a lathe!

Some might say he was interested in my mother. In retrospect, I guess he was, but she just saw him as a good friend and much of the time he and I were ALONE! Even with my mother over an hour away! So was THAT wrong? TODAY, he might be seen as a PERVERT, but he was a NICE guy. We NEVER talked about sex or anything of the sort.

And WHY did I feel the need to explain what I meant by screw shop?

Thank you all for being so kind, you've all been a huge help.

I think you hit the nail on the head - it's his impulsiveness that seems to be the biggest issue.

I am going to have my husband read this thread because I think it would also help him get past the 'we're failures as parents' head space, where we both seem to be right now and move on to taking more steps towards making sure our son is ok.

Again, thank you!

I just want to chime in that you've hit the nail on the head for my biggest worry as my son nears his tean years. He has trouble with boundaries and impulse, and there were enough situations that made me cringe in his younger years to have great fear for his later ones. I've always been very blunt about it being the LAW, and was quite strong in how I enforced it on those innocent, younger, encounters. I don't know how it will all play out as the hormone driven years arrive. I have told him I might never let him date - kind of a light joke in our family at the moment - but less opportunity to mess up seems like a good idea.

ANYWAY, I can't give you advice, but I wanted you to know that your situation isn't that far out there for families like ours. As the earlier posts have already indicated.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I have 10yr old with AS,ADHD,OCD,GAD and Tourettes lots of impulsive issues lol
I was given a book by a friend, she told me to read it then leave it in my sons room for him to read when he was ready, its called "Secret Boys business" by Someone Green(sorry I cant recall the authers name) My son did read it, there were a lot of AHHHHH's coming from his room then alot of questions. I always thought I had been very open and explained everything pretty well, this book is cartoon illustrated and aimed at early teens, very easy to read lots of visual ques I would recommend it to all parents of boys. I had to give the book back, but I will be buying it for my J to keep.

Another thing that was sugested to me (because J is a hugger and a kisser) is to draw a circle with him and place in the inner circle all those people that it is ok to touch and be touched by also add the types of touch allowed, then on the outer circle the next set of people etc then right outside those you cant touch or shouldn't let touch you etc, I havent tried this yet (we've all been sick) so I'm not sure how well it works. You could then leave this circle as I would stuck to his wall as a visual reminder.

Anyway just some suggestions, your in a sticky place and I dont envy you (I to could be there one day) Good luck.