Good days and Bad Days

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My oldest son has been diagnosed with mild AS. On a good day he's a brilliant, funny, sweet boy who sings to his little brother when he cries, makes eye contact, willingly hugs, and brings me flowers from the back yard. On a bad day he is argumentative, demanding, withdrawn and sometimes even violent with his little brother. He is a wonderful boy, but he seems to lose control, and I feel like I might as well be talking to a brick wall when he's having a really bad day.

Now, I know that we all have good days and bad days, I need to know how to help him cope in a more constructive manner.
does anyone know how to work through the aggressive behavior?

From what I have learned from having a 16 yo aspie who has Asperger's probably to a slightly greater degree than your son, the problem is stress. They are emotionally fragile people who need a l-o-n-g period of time to de-stress.

Since you did not tell us your son's age (and he has a crying younger brother), I am assuming that he is less than 10. With that assumption, I would suggest

1. Giving your son an outline of the day so that he knows what is in store. Knowing took some of the stress out of it for my son.
2. Let you son have a good 30 minutes to adjust to the fact the activity is going to change. No one like to be abruptly taken away from their current activity. In the alternative, say something like "okay you can do this for a little while, but in "X" minutes we are going to have to do "Y". So please make your decision about what to do knowing that soon we are going to have to do "Y".
3. Teach him to self-soothe, by telling him that he needs to "X" (I used going to his room) to calm down - this is not a time out, but a place where he can get away from the stress and do whatever he wants to in his "room" without the stress of others. When he is calmer he can rejoin the rest of the family. When he rejoins - there is no "punishment" for what he did previously. It is over.

I hope this helps.

that does help. Thank you. He's 5 and was diagnosed about 8 months ago, so we're still learning.

Great suggestions Ellen, we do those things with our 4 year old who sounds very similar to your son in many ways, although her changes usually happen several times a day rather than a day good and a day bad. It's difficult to never know what to expect with them. We are on the waiting list for an evaluation appt.

Madam needs to know the details of what's going to happen, i usually talk with her the day before about what's expected to happen (not details, but basic timeline: We'll wake up, have breakkfast, then daddy will go to work, then we're expecting aunty to come and visit!) and i will often give her a basic rundown on what we're going to do right before we do it (eg. we're gonna get up now and go and say good night to daddy, then we'll get whoever you need in bed with you, i'll get you water, then toilet then straight to sleep like a big girl!) it make a huge difference.

EDIT: obviously i dont do that with every little thing, but i find she is a lot calmer and there is much less chance of meltdown if she knows what's happening next.

They are, as was said, emotionally very fragile, it is HARD to deal with and hard to learn to manage, be gentle with yourself and your son and i'm sure you'll figure out coping methods together.