I am not special

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Nate has been called special at his afterschool care. He came home and told me, "I am not special, special people are different". I tried to explain best I could that everyone is special. He then said, "Special people are different; they are not smart and sometimes have missing legs and arms." I did my best to explain to him that everyone is different, etc etc.
He made a dirt baby. Dirt babies are made with panty hose and soon will have grass growing out of them. Nate's dirt baby was missing an ear. His grandma said, "It's special, it doesn't have an ear." Nate freaked out and started crying and yelling, "He is not special, where is the ear." Apparently the are fell off. This makes me so sad. I guess other people have called him special, too. No matter what I say he doesn't believe me that everyone is special. He gets really sad anytime someone says that.

How would I approach this? I have tried to say many things and it doesn't matter. It makes me sad.

I have been moderating this website for over a year, and have been on WP for about three years. I have tried to say many things and found it doesn't matter, either. Only love matters is the conclusion I have come to. Lots and lots of abundant and agape love. Be happy in your love, as attraction is always better than promotion

I actually don't see a problem here; would I be correct that you feel he's undervaluing himself by saying he's not special*? If so rest assured he isn't, when he say's "I am not special" he's saying quite literally that he isn't disabled, a perfectly reasonable thing so say (I'm assuming he isn't disabled) and its not hard to see why a young boy wouldn't like to be called disabled.

As for what to do about it: don't worry, as people get older their grasp of language naturally improves and the multiple different meanings of "special" will become obvious. Until then simply don't call him special, use other words like "brilliant" or "exceptional" instead and ask his teachers to do the same. When actually talking about his AS just refer to it by name.

If its causing serious problems then you could sign him up to a class on language that explains about words with multiple meanings, what euphemisms are, how they are formed and why people have a tendency to conscript positive words when creating a new one, but he'll probably learn that as he gets older, most people do AS or otherwise.


* "everyone is special" tipped me off

Well, that's it. isn't it? In the world of the NT, they can assign different meanings to words when spoken in different ways or scenerios. We have a little problem with that because we're used to one definition for a word, and don't associate well with other meanings or similies. It's like metaphors.


Remember, English is the most complicated language, and becoming even more complicated with slang and fusion with other languages.

Ah for the days of Shakespeare.

Tell him about all the good things that make him special, like his talents or intelligence.

You see, that is one of the things that PC does that is STUPID!

Special USED to mean smart or different. NOW it means disabled or normally STUPID! HECK, they have MAGNET schools here that are called MAGNET schools. Some that are there are very stupid, and some are very smart.

Just let nate know that he is different and not necessarily overall worse. HECK, he doesn't sound dumb to me.

It is almost like me and my physical condition. A lot of people always thought I was WEAK! I was NEVER interested in PE. he ONLY time I REALLY tried to run was when I beat a jerk that laughed at me because I wouldn't run, I raced him, and WON. I won't lie, in some ways I eventually WAS weak, and even still am. In OTHER ways, I am clearly pretty strong. Like just last week when I lamented, to a staff member that their machines only went to 175 pounds(about 80KG). And she said ONNNLY?(In a disbelieving tone, like that was PLENTY.) I went there and proceeded to lift the entire stack. And my doctor said not to lift more than 35. Oh well, the 175 pounds didn't even cause me to break a sweat. I probably should have gone to the calf machine, and tried to lift the 400+ pounds there. The last machine I tried, I lifted over 600. The last time I tried abdominal and back machines, I could do all 250 pounds on both.

So I am weak in other areas. I can do whatever I want, within reason, without help, never get tired of physical exertion in normal practice, and could probably crush some hands if I wanted. WHO CARES if I can't do a jumping jack, very many pushups(my weight makes that twice as hard as most people anyway), or rip a thick telephone book. I can move furniture, push a car if need be, and give a nice firm handshake.

The same is true of my intelligence. People could ask me a LOT of questions nearly everyone else knows, and I could fail. But I could turn around and ask those people questions THEY would never get. Oh well, the last time I played trivial pursuit against 4 other people, I won. I even got some sports questions even though everyone else was into sports, and I wasn't! So who cares if I maybe can't name all of the US possessions, or when alaska became a state, or 5 constelations, etc.... I DO know the states, can say if a territory is likely a possession, some constellations, say if something IS likely a constellation, program computers, do all the stuff required for living in a country, etc.... I probably forgot more than most people know, but I bet I know more than most people I have known know. It just isn't the same stuff.

Nate may well have the SAME problems.

If Nate has been taught that special=disabled then explaining about "all the good things that make him disabled, like his talents or intelligence" seems like a pretty bad idea, in the origonal post natesmum explained she already tried that and it didn't work.

IMO until Nate know enough about how languages develop to understand what's going on with the word special, calling him special will just upset him; so don't. You can teach him about how languages develop or just wait, most people pick that stuff up naturally.

Well, if the people, he is near to, decide to use the word, it WILL be used. It is a good idea to show him his TALENTS, because it is likely the DEFICITS that others will point out. I was lucky because I had a good early start, started out stronger, and basically just didn't have an interest in a lot of garbage. I wanted friends, etc, but didn't let that really get to me TOO much.

Of course if people decide to use the word it will be used, that's a tautology. But its "decide" they can decide not to use the word. Useing the word is upsetting nate so the best decision is probably to find a different word.

Ouch.

The word special is now spoilt.

You need to find a word that people won't destroy.

May I suggest that you describe his condition - eg: I'm an Aspie.

As in...

I'm smart and I'm unique because I'm an Aspie.

My eldest knows that he's an aspie and he's proud of it. Nobody else at school uses the word, so even when he goes into special classes he knows that he's in that class for one reason and other kids are in there for various other reasons.

I don't know how old Nate is, but it seems to me that...

A. You need to ask him what the word 'special' means to him. This gives him a chance to speak for himself while you listen and respect what he's telling you. For him it's true. Accept it. If he tells you something along the lines that special means defective, then you can validate that he's right, he's not defective.

B. I'm guessing that part of this is he doesn't want to be singled out and separated... he wants to belong. That's fantastic! How wonderful!

C. Nate's the expert on his life... no one else. I really wouldn't get into making a habit of telling him he doesn't know what he's talking about. It's the beginning of getting shut out by him.

I thank everyone!! You have provided wonderful insight and advice. We frequently discuss his gifts and talents. We often do projects and other things that completely surround his interests and talents. We have tried to tell him he is special because he is so good at math and remembering things.

I think he has pretty much made up his mind that special = disabled. He has told me before about when special is used. My husband explained why I am special, my mom (his grandmother) explained why my husband is special, my husband explained why our 22 month old was special. He still doesn't want to here it and doesn't believe us probably due to the context it is used in school. 'Witch' What you said completely makes sense.

Kingsraven - I do agree. I honestly don't like when people use the word special either. I completely don't blame him in a lot of ways. When I went to go pick him up in after school care a few months ago, he was working on homework. Another child mentioned that Nate was the slowest at getting his homework done. I really wanted to say, "Yeah but he is a lot smarter than you (because he is). That sounds mean but it's true. I just didn't say that because the other child is a kid, too. The teacher said, "He is special." something like that. I about FLIPPED. It really ticked me off. I tried so hard to explain that everyone is special. Honestly, he is too smart for that. The teacher handled it wrong, really. She put it back on Nate instead of talking to the other kid.

I love the idea of getting him into something that explains words with different meanings. I have never thought about that.

2ukenkerl: I love your attitude. I do believe my son is like you in many ways.

Sinsboldly - good point.

I think I am worrying too much about about it. Our neighbor girl, 13 years old, has aspergers. She is very proud of it. She thinks it's "cool" that Nate is on the spectrum. She definitely has Aspie pride. She has been working with him to get that "aspie pride".

You got great replies.

I think what i would do is explain that the word special can mean different things. That we are all special for different reasons, i'd explain what disabled is and different disabilities people have and that that is one of the things that makes those people special, that there are LOTS of things that make them special, and their disability is one of them. Knowing my daughter, that probably wouldn't work with her and it may take several months... or more, and several different approaches, and it may just need age and understandng of language before she gets it. I think that's ok, and you just handle the subject as best you can when it comes up and let those closest to him know that nate finds it upsetting to be called special so to use other terms that he feels are positive.

These little ones can be so unpredictable, it's hard to know how to approach a situation and how they will handle your approach.

This, if my own autistic life is any measure, remains more or less how it remains throughout life

Well, I think there's something you as a parent could say in situations like these if they happen again in the future. You're certainly not forced to leave it to the teacher (although he/she may disagree with you).

This is a situation that happens frequently at the class I'm helping at and rather than pegging something normal or abnormal, we say that it's different for everyone, but preferably what's good about something.

Like, Josh is doing homework in the other room because he can better concentrate there. (Instead of that Joshua is easily distracted and loud and can't stay in this room.) Or that Miriam has to read a different text than others because she needs to practise something else and that the other child may ask her to read it to him to know what the text is about too. (Instead of saying Miriam struggles with reading a lot and has a simple text.)

Seriously, kids do notice, ask and comment on the difference of that they read texts of 20 lines and others read 3-word-sentences or single words, but there's no discrimination yet against those who struggle with learning or are different in others ways because of how teachers introduced those differences. No 'special ed kids' no 'normal kids' or any of that. I expect discrimination to happen soon enough because of how parents and older students talk about 'special ed kids', but I think teachers and us all managed to create an excellent basis for now.

If abilities and disabilities are already named by students, then the good old approach of 'This is what Henry still needs to practise still (not: what he can't do) and that is what he can do really good. What do you need to practise? What are you good at?' is often working well.

"You're not Special. You're you, just like everyone else."
Until the day he's fully developed he's nothing but himself.
And hey, not after that either. Just like everyone else.

He's different, ofcourse.
Just like the rest.

Don't make him into any sort of victim and on the other hand don't make him look down on the other kids.

Let him figure himself out and be there when he needs you.