Convincing me he is normal is NOT helpful

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OK, does anyone else get frustrated by the fact that everyone spends a lot of energy assuring you your child is "normal"? Making me just feel like a crappy parent who is trying to assume the worst about my child? I don't think it's helpful at all to be unaware of my son's struggles. I have ALWAYS know there is something just a little different - cringing and watching when my son interacts with other children and does things like throwing snowballs in their face when he wants to be their friend. My mother especially likes to bring up ways in which my son is mIore mature even than other children. I don't know why but this is very irritating to me. And when I have mentioned things to trusted friends, they say things like "oh all kids do that". I do not want reassurances - I want ways to HELP my son. I took him to a psychologist to get a DX and even the psychologist was like - does he have a friend or two? Is he overall happy? And was pretty much like - well then - he's fine. My goal is not to have him labeled as much as I would like support in having his struggles acknowledged. My son is a WONDERFUL boy, but when he says things like "I have a strange brain" or "someday I would like to know my purpose" - he is 12, btw - I want to have a way to help him. But then I struggle with - am I helping ME or am I helping HIM? I've been torn for years, but I know SOMETHING about him is different and ANY time I type a characteristic he displays into google - the first listed item is always related to aspergers or autism spectrum. Like recently it's having protracted conversations with himself aloud in the shower or in the bathroom. And the way he always talks so formally and philosophically. Perhaps it isn't Aspergers, but it's SOMETHING.

My mother does this all the time. I think it is so not helpful and annoying because it feels like she's burying her head in the sand and that doesn't help him at all. I have resolved to do what is necessary to help him and understand that it's her way of trying to "help" him too. I am not sure if she thinks she is making me feel better.

I can completely and totally relate to every word you've written (especially the cringing when he interacts with other kids).
My son has AS and it interferes with his functioning, especially in school. I think that is the main issue - making sure your child can function in life. If you feel that he is in any way impaired, or if you get school intervention and 504s or recommendations for evaluation, if he comes to you and says that he has no friends and it bothers him or his behavior clearly bothers other people and he has no clue(social impairment that would interfere with his functioning) than you should go to another psychologist. Otherwise, if your son has no impairment that can be changed or benefit from diagnosis and subsequent treatment (usually behavioral modification) then the original psychologist was spot on.

Seriously, it has taken me a long time to understand that his concept of a friend and my concept are different and that's OK as long as he's happy, you know? That's the thing with a neurological disorder - you can't change his basic brain (nor would you want to!); you can only teach new behaviors in order to be functional in this world. If he wants close personal relationships in the way that you would define them and he has no ability to make this happen, then there is a problem. He may not care one bit about this and so there is no problem because it doesn't interfere with his functioning, even though you and I may feel that it is a problem because these relationships are of value to us. It took me a while to realize this...being different isn't necessarily a disorder. I hope this all makes sense!

I can relate. My side of the family talks about how much he is "just a boy" and its no big deal and my husband's militant holistic SIL keeps talking about how vaccinations caused his problems and we are poisoning him with our choices and enviornment. YOU know best, trust your instincts and keep fighting for an answer. It was such a relief when my son was finally diagnosed. Once I told people what he had and the characterisitics, we got a lot more of, "Wow, that does fit him, I never realized."

I feel your pain

It is very frustrating to be made to feel like you are LOOKING for something to be WRONG with your child. I only talk to close family and friends at length about DD and of course the supportive people here and other places who have been a huge help with putting her issues into perspective and getting some educated (or experienced rather) opinions. And i insist that there is nothing WRONG with my child, she is just different and see's and experiences the world differently.

As for your son, like a previous poster said, you haven't said anything really in this post that indicates what his struggles are. It's ok for him to be different! There are some really special people who are different but are able to just BE different and often, make a difference because of it.

You need to figure out WHAT exactly you need help with for your son. Your son is old enough now to explain more to you about what he thinks and feels, and if he is having troubles then i'm sure he can help you communicate them to whoever you see (Drs etc.) As someone else said, you know your son best, and mothers instinct is the strongest, but get together WHAT exactly you and your son need help with, what exactly his struggles are and what can be done about that.

I was never diagnosed, and i struggled my whole life with being different, not understanding other people and not being understood, with social and other anxieties and sensitivities that bothered me but that i learned to cope with. I say i had a crash course in life because there weren't resources and my mum didn't know about AS etc. back when i was a kid (i'm almost 25 now) she knew there was something very different about me, she worried about me and was aware of the struggles i faced at school and how introverted and unusual i was. But knpowing the way i turned out, i'm still weird, i still have social issues and anxiety, i'm still sensitive to sound and texture, but i am leading a normal life, i have children, a happy marriage, a close friend (only one, but that's fine with me) and so maybe the crash course taught me coping skills that i may not have gotten had i had a diagnosis and been treated differently and had a stigma over my head.

In saying that, i am getting my daughter evaluated because we need help with her issues, mainly her sensory issues but also emotional immaturity, like you said, its not for the label its for the help.

People seem to think not normal is an insult and thus normal is a compliment, so they say the good one. I however tend to associate normal with average or common, which I would not consider good things.

Two things: Preconceptions and a generational thing were people don't admit to being different no matter what. People had preconceived ideas with me, but I had a preconception about other people on the spectrum too.

Some really great insightful responses. You know - it's a good question - is it for me or him? I know that perhaps part of me never got over the isolation as a parent of having a "different" child. Parents thought my son was a behavior problem - for example licking other children like a dog when he was too old to do so in preschool. I don't know what I want exactly other than to feel generally secure in my son's happiness. Relohi - that is SO profound though - if he's happy, why am I making mountains out of molehills. People do NOT understand autism. That much I know. For example even showing people that youtube video with the boy who was the spelling champion with clear autism - ADULTS I know called him "weird". So I know separating out my struggle is part of how I can help him. It's SO hard to know when I'm helping him and when I'm just making him feel bad. You wanted examples of his behavior - one example is a couple of years ago when a parent invited him over he said "Oh good - then we can burn your house down". I KNOW my son - he had NO desire to burn anything down. He meant "that sounds like fun - I'm excited about this but a little anxious, too." Another example - something he still struggles with - is becoming obsessed with a certain kind of toy - like a Pringles can he pretends is a weapon - and talking in a robot voice for LONG periods of time. I've seen his friends - and kids his age don't do this - he is in 6th grade - ALMOST junior high. He had odd semantics in his speech for a long time. Like when he was 4 and said "can you pick me up, daddy-her?" While I don't expect perfect language out of a 4-year old and would expect things like "foots" instead of feet, he used odd sentence constructions a lot and had trouble with gender until he was in Kindergarten.

For example:
If he wants to wear the same shirt day after day - do I just let him? Or teach him that's not typically socially acceptable?
When he words things strangely/awkwardly do I rephrase for him? Or let him word it his own way?
Do I help him when he's with friends to socialize - help him make conversation - tell him to take off his headphones with a friend because it's rude?

The reason these are not easy questions is because my son WANTS to do what he's "supposed to" and becomes anxious when once again he's broken some kind of rule he doesn't feel like he understands. I want to prepare him for life, while walking the line of not browbeating him when he doesn't understand.

Oops. I forgot I wanted to add a few current examples.

The one that is the greatest problem for my son now (and this I know could be any kid) but he has a really hard time after each class getting organized and getting to the next one. He uses his planner and does what he needs to do. BUT somehow that scramble at the end and gathering up his things seems to be really hard for him. This has been the first year where he has to hustle from class to class and I'm worried he hasn't developed a coping strategy.

And he does want to get together with friends, but he really only has one. He doesn't seem to be depressed about this - but is constantly saying - "hey can I call a friend?" And it's always the same boy who expresses just lukewarm interest about visiting. His younger sister makes friends easily and plays with lots of kids, so it's hard for me to see him just playing video games or reading a book when I know he wished he could play with someone.

The other thing that I notice being REALLY hard for him is making choices. I feel like I don't know how to help him do this - it's like I'm torturing him by asking him to make a choice. For example, I'll say - what restaurant would you like to eat at? And he'll just shut down. This is true of choosing clothes (and why he picks the same clothes over and over) and many other choices. He does better than he used to, but sometimes I feel like he just chooses what we have shown him to choose rather than making his own choice.

I, too, struggle with this. Then, I'll try to enroll my son in a school age after school setting and it all falls apart. When he is not handled carefully, he melts, regresses, engages in self-injurious behavior. It's devestating. How do I explain this to someone? How a seemingly normal nine-year old could behave this way so suddenly over a minor incident? But, it's clear, that if he's not carefully handled by professionals that know how to work with him, and he's with a large group of kids, and pushed to the limit, in a new environment, he has little coping skills and will literaly throw himself against a wall and shut down, oblivious to how he appears to his peers. At nine-years of age, this is atypical behavior.

Then I'm reminded that he has Aspergers and difficulty controlling what is manageable for an NT child. He is still, developmentally, young, but he is big, articulate and much is expected of him.

I, too, struggle with this. Then, I'll try to enroll my son in a school age after school setting and it all falls apart. When he is not handled carefully, he melts, regresses, engages in self-injurious behavior. It's devestating. How do I explain this to someone? How a seemingly normal nine-year old could behave this way so suddenly over a minor incident? But, it's clear, that if he's not carefully handled by professionals that know how to work with him, and he's with a large group of kids, and pushed to the limit, in a new environment, he has little coping skills and will literaly throw himself against a wall and shut down, oblivious to how he appears to his peers. At nine-years of age, this is atypical behavior.

Then I'm reminded that he has Aspergers and difficulty controlling what is manageable for an NT child. He is still, developmentally, young, but he is big, articulate and much is expected of him.

The disorganization issue could be problematic I would think, and honestly from what you describe, in my experience, these sound like spectrum related issues. This is by no means a definitive answer for you, but I think that what I am trying to say is that it is OK to have him seen elsewhere and get him evaluated and diagnosed if that is indeed the case. This does not mean that you are looking for something to be wrong with your son - it means you are doing the best you can for him. The fact that he says he has a strange brain says that he is now realizing that he is different and since he knows, it might help him to know why he has a strange brain, hehe.

It seems to me that you should talk frankly to him about this also. Ask him if he feels like he has enough friends or if there are any problems with which he feels he could use some help. Get his perspective and then go from there (if you haven't already). In my experience, the more forthcoming and direct, the better the outcome. All you can do is keep your mind wide open and be prepared to see the world in a whole new way as best as you can. Figuring out what is something that you are worried about because it would bother you or because it could be an impairment for him is a part of the process and also the people that study this stuff for a living will help you sort it out too. In other words, it's not possible to know all of this right now no matter how badly you want to, so relax and take heart - you are not alone

I think that it is frustrating to be made to feel like you are looking for something wrong. You are not doing that at all, you are being a good parent in recognizing your child's struggles and acting to help him.

This being a parent thing is hard right??? I know this kid of mine knocks me for a loop pretty much every day. Sometimes his observations on things show me something in a whole new light, and I am grateful for this everyday. Oh and I forgot to mention - my son does the conversations-with-himself-in-the-bathroom thing too and let me tell you he sings sometimes at the top of his lungs in the bathroom at say, a restaurant, and I have to go running in the men's room after him because you can hear him in the restaurant! Soooo embarrassing hahaha. You should see the looks I get for that...

The biggest mistake I made in my life as an Asperger was to try to follow other people rules and expectations. But I found out that the only way I could be happy was being my self and respecting the fact that all people are different and everyone has their own rules and ways to see the world.

A lot of people try to change me even today, but I wonder why? If it doesn't make me happier or more successful than I wont change that thing.

If you try to change your kid because your social environment tells you to do it, then I would say that you are making a huge mistake.

Remember that there are more that 1 million different social environments and even more social rules. It's impossible to follow them all. You just have to bee a good human being then people will accept you.

I think that sometimes people think that they are being helpful and reassuring when they keep assuring you that your child is "normal". One of my sons (he is 9) has gotten really good at "keeping it together" when he is at school or out in public. He saves it all up and then has a total meltdown the minute he gets home. I am pleased that he is able to cope as well as he can, but this deferment of his reaction to overload means that his teachers, relatives etc. almost never get to see the child that we see, and don't then do enough to help to mitigate his stress levels when they are with him, and sometimes treat me as if I am over exaggerating his needs and struggles.

From the symptoms you described, it does sound like your son could be on the spectrum. You are his mother. Go with your instincts, and keep working to get him whatever help you and he think he needs, no matter what anyone else says.

Regarding your specific questions: