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Hi all!! I have 3 beautiful boys. A 7 y.o., a 4 y.o., and a 1 y.o. My 4 y.o. is the one in question. He was a very difficult baby, he would cry uncontrollably for hours for no apparent reason. The older he got the better he got. Unlike my first son he was fine by himself. He liked to be alone and play by himself. I started to wonder about him when he was not talking by 2. Then it seemed overnight that he started to talk so I dismissed my worries. He still preferred to be by himself. He had terrible tantrums over the littlest of things. He never seemed to understand things I was trying to explain to him. He would grind his teeth constantly. He was hard to potty train and eventually we had him trained about 4 months before he was 4. I also noticed that he never played with cars, which he loved, instead he would line them up. After that phase, he started to pace for hours and hours. He would repeat movies lines over and over. He still does the last two things. I finally spoke to my pediatrician and she referred me to the special education school in our area. They evaluated him and made an IEP for him. They said that he probably had autism but they can not give me an "official" diagnosis. Do I need an official diagnosis for any reason or should I just let it be?

I actually like him the way that he is...I love the pacing and how direct he is, it makes him who he is. I dont like that he will not talk to people his own age, although he loves adults and will talk to any adult. I am not sure how to help him become more social towards his own age group, if that is even possible. Another concern is my one year old. He is showing a lot of the same signs. He grinds his teeth, he has started to bang his head constantly, and he does not always look when we call his name. Am I being overly paranoid? Thanks for reading and any advice would be much appreciated.

Welcome to the forum!

We have a cookie gift basket for all new comers, the trick is that it is well hidden. I am still trying to find mine...

Anyways, congratulations on having a weird son, I hope you enjoy his unique brand of human.

As for getting the official diagnosis. Whether you get him officially diagnosed or not, it wont change what or who he is. But what it will do is allow you to get some special help if needed. If your son does well, and has no problems with main stream classes, then you dont need any official diagnosis. But if he has some problems and needs some accommodations (like extra breaks, or something else to help him in school) then you wont be able to get that without some official proof that he is abnormal.

So, if you get him diagnosed, and it turns out he doesnt need help, then the DX hasn't hurt you or him in any way. If he does need help with something, then getting him diagnosed now will allow you to get some help when you need it.

Conversely, if you dont get him diagnosed and he doesn't need any help then your fine. But if he does need help, it is a bad idea to start the diagnosis process (which can take months) when he needs help immediately.

To put it simply:
Diagnosis: might help, cant hurt
Not diagnosing: wont help, might hurt

So, if it is free to you, and offered by the school then I say go for it.

All though I should give you ample warning now: DONT PANIC. There will be a lot of people who think that just because your son is weird he is doomed to fail at life and he needs to be put into special classes. I can assure you that while it may help some people, not every person who is weird needs special classes and special expensive treatments in order to survive. Don't let fear mongers and snake oil salesmen convince you that your son is in dire need when you know he is doing fine.


And perhaps most importantly, please remember that no matter what you do, or what label your son gets, he is still a human being. He may be a weird, but he is not a walking tragedy. He does not need every body to pity him and have low expectations. He may need to be handled a bit differently, but you dont need turn his life into one big circus trying to 'cure' him when there is nothing wrong with him.

Thanks so much for the reply...I will be looking for those cookies. I love cookies LOL. I dont necessarily want him to be "cured" because I really do like that he is different. What I dont want is the school system shutting him down for reasons that he may not be able to help. I am scared that if they think he is ok that they will not continue to give him an IEP. He is exceptionally smart, although it is all memorization skills. He looks at a word and can memorize it, spell it and be able to "read" it again in a couple of days. He loves to talk even though it is only about what he wants to talk about. I also would like to get involved in the autism support groups in my area but I am afraid that I can't because of him not having the official diagnosis.

Another question....does anybodies children complain about bad dreams? He constantly tells me that he has bad dreams about monsters and I dont know what to do about it but I wonder if that is why he has such a hard time sleeping.

I agree with Tracker.

You should be proud of your son. If you follow Christian mythos then God CHOSE your son to wield the gift of Autism, not another. It's a blessing...but one very hard to cope with if you don't understand it intimately.

And yeah Tracker, I found my cookie basket! But someone ate all my choc-fudge cookies with honey-comb topping!

An official diagnosis may also help cement your son into this world. If he isn't diagnosed then he may think he's weird for no reason. A diagnosis may help your son understand why he is the way he is.

Hi momof3boys! I'm kind of new here myself, as I just found this site a couple weeks ago. I visit all the time now.

Your middle child sounds exactly like our only son, Lucas. The inexplicable crying as an infant, the way he seemed content by himself, the teeth grinding, the delayed speech, the preference for adults, etc. etc.

We did not get Lucas diagnosed by a neurologist. We did, however, get him evaluated through the Mississippi Department of Health Early Intervention program. He qualified for free speech and occupational therapy, which we are still receiving now. When Lucas turns 3 in August, he'll enter a special program through the public school system for kids with "developmental delays." No diagnosis was necessary, just a school evaluation.

So far, we have not been hindered by a lack of dx.

As for your youngest son, I'd get him evaluated as soon as possible through your state's Department of Health. They all should have Early Intervention programs that offer free evaluations and services for all kids under the age of 3. After 3, the public school district must provide services.

Your youngest might be fine, but autism spectrum runs in families, so it never hurts to be on the safe side.

Good luck! I look forward to seeing you on the forum.

The 4-y-o reminds me of me as a kid. And I have pretty decent memories.

I grew up undiagnosed 'till I was 8, but that's because I was raised in an intolerant enviroment. My grandmother, most likely also an aspie, was also our prophet and all-purpose cultleader.....

That bit was no joke, and if I had to choose, I would suggest being diagnosed. Putting a tag on something may seem trivial, but try asking for milk at breakfast when ya can't say milk:"That white fluid with lots of calcium from cows"....Yeah. Also, governments tend to fund certain things(Physical therapy, social buddy to help me "go out", in my case), to help with the "minuses"...The little things that make aspies less functional in society.

But the "pluses" tend to be an intense ability to focus(Usually on something trivial, but it'll get useful when jobs become an issue ) Sometimes sensory sensitivity(Ability to spot nuance) and almost always deep insight. Also, Aspies CANNOT be (Subconciously) influenced by "peer pressure" so you won't have to worry about a frat boy guzzling down 2 litres of beer, or worse.

My fav saying is, and it's mine, so feel free to polish and edit is: "Asperger's is a certain variation in talents. We're better at some things, and worse at others. Sadly, it's socially unacceptable to be bad at what we're bad at."


..................

Practical li'l bit: About the nightmares, I doubt they're actual FEARS, I suspect it's just his brain overheating due to being a four-year-old. A few moments where he isn't subject to "new things" or people would prolly help him calm down.

And FYI: Dreams are controlled by one's own will. If your son has a nightmare again, he should think about ways to face and/or destroy his "monster"...In my case, it was an ion cannon, I don't know how violent your household is at this point

Good luck. Honesty, consistency and integrity can go a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG to making your kid more adjusted then his bratty friends.

Thanks everyone...I will take all of your advice and put it to good use. I know that I keep asking questions but there are so many that I need help with. So here goes another one, how did you get your spouse and/or family members to except it? My husband and family keeping pushing my fears aside and saying that there is "nothing wrong with that child." Although I know there is nothing "wrong" with him but they are not open to me trying to get more involved with others who have autism. I feel that if he is around others who understand him and dont judge him, he would appreciate his differences more. My family thinks that I should just leave it alone.

momof3boys: In regards to your question about getting family members to accept your suspicions about your son, I have my own experience with that.

When I first realized something was different about Lucas, he was only 17 months old. I wanted to get him evaluated, but my husband thought I was totally overreacting. So did most of my friends and family members. They tried to reassure me by saying he's still so young, boys progress slower, I'm just a new mother, etc. etc.

But I wouldn't let it go. I thanked them for their kind reassurances but insisted that I'd feel better if I could just get an outside opinion. There's no harm in that, right? And if he's fine, then the evaluators will tell me so, and I'll stop fretting. Everyone agreed that made sense.

I took him to the pediatrician at 18 months for a check-up, discussed my concerns, and the doctor agreed Lucas was delayed for his age. He referred me first to a specialist to check his hearing. In the meantime, I called the Dept. of Health and got referred to the a center here that does evaluations. I asked our pediatrician for a medical referral to get an evaluation done there, too, so our HMO would cover it.

Hearing was great. So no problems there. But at the evaluation at the special center, the team found several significant delays in language, gestures, fine motor, etc. We immediately qualified for therapy.

Once I got that, my husband and family members stopped telling me to just chill out. Although they weren't 100 percent convinced, they certainly weren't going to argue with the professionals. And slowly, they began to realize for themselves that Lucas indeed was different and benefited from this outside help.

Now, everyone is pretty much on the same page concerning Lucas.

You can't get them to accept your child, Mom. If they don't want want to understand...nothing you can do will change that.

Provide materials for them to read up on, books, etc etc and leave it up to them.

Pushing it on them will only foster resentment.

Wow, I too I have three boys and this post sounds exactly like my boys. My second son age 9 is exactly like your son. He lined up his cars and didnt play with them. He doesnt talk to his peers he prefers adults. He didnt really talk at all until 2 and then starting talking non stop. He didnt potty train until almost four. I dont recall him pacing. He does blow up at the slightest things (the other kids call him drama queen). He recites movie lines and commercials. He can recite word for word a whole movie. He plays great by himself and can keep himself occupied for hours.

I love my son the way he is. I love spending time with him. I think he is amazing. However, other kids and his teachers do not like him. Especially, when he is in a group. He doesnt understand he is not the center of what is happening at the moment and everything is a big deal to him.

I am told constantly that he lacks how to redirect himself. But for all accounts on first meeting him without knowing all his little quirks, you would think he is just another kid. Then he has a meltdown out of no where you think why is this kid being so ridiculous and at his age is he looks ridiculous when he has a meltdown. And guess you they blame when he is behaving appropriately. So here I am looking for answers too.

My son is age 9 and going into the 4th grade. If I had it to do over again and had know sooner what I know now. I would have looked for a school that had gifted programs where he could work at his own pace and I would have taken more time to find out how to teach him how to interact with his peers and not focus on all the little details and go with the flow more.

But because I wasnt able to find a school with gifted program and our school district doesnt provide such services I am going to homeschool. I am in the process of educating myself on how to teach him in a way he will understand how to reprogram him to look at the world differently then he has been if that is possible and for him to see how to communicate with others and not question everything he is told to do.

I wish I could tell you my success story to help you, but like you I am in the process of understanding how he processes information and how I can give him the information he needs to be successful. I am just so thankful I found this forum and found others who are experiencing the same things we are.

Yes my son also has bad dreams. He is a very vivid thinker. He doesnt have them all time but after a stressful day sometimes. He loves horror movies. I dont like them or allow him to watch them. But he will spend the night somewhere else and not tell them he isnt allowed to watch them and he will have a bad dream. He likes to draw pictures of blood and gore and write bloody stories. He has been telling stories like this since age 3.

You dont know how many times I hear that. There is nothing wrong with that child. Please listen to yourself. You know your child the best. No one will know your child like you do. I wish I would have listened to myself sooner. I agree there is nothing wrong with him, but if he is anything like my son; he will need extra help in learning how to get along with is peers. He wont understand them and like some one else stated he wont be influenced by peer pressure, but that means he wont follow the group and the group will single him out and that can cause problems. Those are problems that you want to address now. People are mean and when some one is different they become meaner. So just prepare yourself and your son how to deal with people who will never get him.

I tell my son if someone doesnt want to take the time to get to know and calls you names or is mean to you, then he isnt your friend and you dont need to care what they think. He still has a hard time with it and has a lot of meltdowns.

I feel I dont need to explain my son to any one I only need to continue to help him learn and grow and be a successful person. You will never change peoples perceptions and who will waste a lot of valuable time trying. I spend my time with my family and friends and let others think what they want.