think my 3yr old may have Aspergers - please help

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Hi all, feeling a bit tearful as I write this - guess this is my first step in acknowledging that my gorgeous little boy may not be completely 'normal'
anyway, I just need some advice and opinions please.

My little boy is almost 3.5 yrs and I think he may have aspergers. please could you give me a couple of mins of your time to read the summary below and tell me if you think I could be right and whether he sounds similar to any of your little ones.

The Positives:

Ben is extremely bright.
By 20 months he could recognise all shapes including hexagon, octogan,semi circle, crescent, oval etc.
By the age of 24 months he could recognise all his letters, both lower and upper case and knew their names and sounds.
By 2 1/2 years he could put all his letters in the right order, and let you know if there are any missing letters in a sequence.
he can also spell and read many words.

He can easily count to 100 and can read/recognise numbers up to 1000 (he has been able to do this by about 2 1/2).
He loves to do simple addition and subtraction.
I can give him any sequence of 20 or so numbers between 0 and 1000 and deliberately leave one or more out and he will let me know what the missing number is. he has confidently done this since 2 1/2.

His speech has always been very clear, precise and advanced. people often mention how grown up he sounds. He tries to use new long words he learns in his speech (eg complicated, interesting, fascinating, concentrating).

He is a very affectionate and loving little boy - at home or with signficant adults in his life. He forms very strong attachments to significant adults. He loves cuddles and having cuddly story time etc.

He is very sociable with adults (he loves to engage in conversation with adults/older children/teenagers/anyone who will listen even shop assistants and bin men!). However, has little interest in conversing with same age peers.


The negatives/quirks:

He flaps his arms/twirls his hands when watching something repetitive or when anticipating something that he knows will happen (eg on a tv program)

He doesn't seem to want to / or know how to play with same age peers.

His behaviour with other children is now suffering and he has started to hit them - often for no apparent reason. When questioned he will say 'because I hit them' or if pushed for a better answer he will say 'because there are fires' (!?)

Nursery staff tell me that he limits himself to certain activities. (however,I know my son and I know that as long he as an adult playing with him he woul be very happy doing virtually any activity).

Ben is extremely sensitive to bad or strong smells. He will physically gag and even retch at certain cooking smells or unpleasant smells.
he also is sensitive to certain types of loud noises (hand dryers, food blenders, drills etc)

He gets frustrated quite easily - and if he thinks he won't be able to do something right first time, he needs a lot of gentle encouragement from me to give it a go.

He is always interupting conversations. and if I am on the phone will shout, hit, misbehave to get my attention


So, what do you think? If so, I am totally new to this world and am clueless as to how to effectively parent him - any tips would be appreciated!

thanks in advance (and apologies for the long post!)

To me, he sounds alot like any 3 year old exept for mayby one or two things. On the other hand, I'm no expert, so if you want to know for sure, go and see one.

Hi, mummyrebs, and welcome!

Your son sounds very like mine. My son is now 7 and was diagnosed with Asperger's earlier this year. He is a very intelligent, articulate, charming and affectionate little boy who also has a number of sensory issues, including flapping, is easily frustrated, doesn't know when to stop talking, and has some difficulty communicating with his peers, although he does have a group of friends.

I don't know where you live, but I would recommend that you start the process for having him assessed. I'm in Scotland, and my son had to wait for over a year for assessment, but during that time I did loads of reading about autism and Asperger's, his school put in place various strategies to help him and he was assigned a Speech and Language Therapist.

It sounds like your son, like mine, has difficulties with pragmatic language skills. He finds the come and go of conversation difficult, and with that can come difficulty in sharing and playing successfully with other children. My son also found it impossible to stop talking when I was on the phone or talking to someone else. His SLT came up with a Social Story about not talking when mummy is on the phone which explains quite logically that I can only give my attention to one person at a time, and that I get confused and can't hear anyone if he talks while someone else is talking. This was supplemented with cards showing the "give way" roadsign (my son learnt his road signs from a book when he was about 3). I showed him the card if he started to interupt, or made a triangle sign with my fingers. It took time, but he has learned to be less intrusive in these situations. The fact that he is getting older every day probably helps as well.

The hitting is a difficult one, especially as he doesn't seem able just now to explain why it is happening. I think you and any others adults around him at these times will have to think creatively and from his perspective about what just happened. Consider not only what he and the other child were doing at the time, but what was said to him, and what the environment was like. My son was originally at a nursery which was open-plan and so very noisy, very visually stimulating and very boisterous as there were a lot of children. For your son as well, think about whether there were any strong smells about which may have caused him to become more stressed and then to hit. It could be that he is experiencing some kind of sensory overload, which will be difficult for him to explain, and becoming very stressed and unable to deal with how he feels.

Remember also that his difficulties with playing with his peers may be caused not only by communication deficits, but also by his strengths. The small children he is playing with will not share his extensive vocabulary, or probably his intelligence, and he may find it frustrating that he can't share his thoughts on an equal footing with his peers. He may want to play more complex games which the other children simply don't understand.

Please don't be tearful. I understand your anxiety, but your son sounds like a lovely little boy who has a lot going for him. He has many strengths and with understanding, support and guidance he will be able to address his difficulties and achieve his potential.

Tony Attwood's "Complete Guide to Asperger's" is a good and very comprehensive book, and I'd recommend it if you haven't already had a look at it.

Looking back over this post I realise I've been working on the assumption that your son is AS, which may not be the case, but he sounds so like my son.

First "normal" is soooo over rated. If he is a little odd it's realy ok most kids are at 3. Your his mother and know him better then anyone if you feel there is something going on that needs to be adressed do something about it. It's better to deal with things when they are little then let them go and have the snowball effect. It might just be he's a little quirky and needs to have things taught to him in a way that makes more sense to him. As is not the end of the world so don't painc if your in the US he can be evalutated by your local schools for free in a timely manner. Best of luck an welcome

When in doubt, check it out. There is no harm in getting an evaluation (and no cost in the US through the school system) and I always feel that it's better to know what you're dealing with. Either everything is perfectly "normal", or perhaps it is AS. He's still so young that you'd be ahead of the game by getting an evaluation this early, which is usually a very good thing.

If you're in the US, I would call the school district and your pediatrician. The school can't make a diagnosis but they can provide services (with or without a diagnosis) and the pediatrician will likely refer you to a childhood developmental psycologist/center/etc.

In the meantime, do some research for yourself, but be leery of so-called professional opinons that harp on the doom and gloom aspects of autism. They're usually just trying to sell you something. Asperger's and autism are a difference, and yes, sometimes a challenge, but also a gift. I urge you to focus on the positives. It will be much easier on you and your son if you take this approach. Even if he turns out to be neurotypical, you'll have a much better (and perhaps more acurate) understanding of autism, which can only make the world a better place .

Your son does sound a lot like mine (4 1/2 yo Aspie), especially the advanced counting and strong preference for adults. I can understand the tears too, I've been there. Most of my first tears were really the fear of the unknown. The more I learn about AS and my son, the better things get. It's OK to be different, and frankly I think a lot cooler. I wish you the best on your journey and welcome aboard!

I do not have a lot to add to this as I agree with the other posters... I will say this though. Do not beat yourself up over hoping he does not have Asperger's. I did not want to believe my son had it, I wanted it to be a "simple" case of PTSD, something we could "fix". No mother wants her child to have something that is going to make their (the child's) life more complicated than it is already.

This is not your fault, it isn't anyone's fault. And it turns out that it isn't exactly a death sentence. Although I do hear horror stories that it makes puberty and the teen years in general more difficult, like that needs to be harder to deal with for either party...



There will be times when you will be so frustrated you could just spit. But that is with any child. It will be OK.

Is it possible for you to take him out of that group of kids that frustrate him? As a child my only friends were in their sixties to eighties. If he prefers adults, maybe he should be allowed to hang around adults.
Here's where I'm coming from. I have AS, though I did not know it at the time when I was ill with glomerular nephritis and had to put my sweet toddler in a cooperative daycare because I had to spend so much time in bed. One day, one of the other mothers pointed to my AS son who was happily playing with blocks and she said, "I notice that he doesn't play with the other children." So? I said. "He's always by himself." So? She looked at me like I was a mental case and gave up.
It was over a decade before I discovered that both of us have AS. My sweet guy was turning aggressive, so I took him out of the daycare and he returned to his sweet self. I homeschooled him all the way to college. He preferred to study by laying on his back on the sofa and bouncing his head on the carpeted floor. I think he would have had at least as many problems in public school as I had. Anyway, he started at the local community college at age 15. Now he is an independent young man who works as a programmer at a video game company.
I have no idea why you are worried about your son. He sounds absolutely delightful.

A funny story about when that particular son was three years old. He had gotten into an argument with other kids in the car about a cookie that had a circular hole in the middle of it. He insisted that it was a doughnut. Finally I intervened and told my son that I called it a cookie and the store called it a cookie and the whole world called it a cookie. He folded his arms and said forcefully, "Then the whole world is wrong!"

Out of my five children, he is the only one that never disobeyed and never gave us a moment's trouble.

He sounds like he either has Asperger's Snydrome or Sensory Integration Dysfunction. People with autism usually has SID. Not everyone with SID has autism though. There's a book called "The Out-of-Sync Child" that talks about SID. I know other kids that doesn't like to play with other children, usually because grown-ups are more predictable and easier to get along with. Hand flapping, being sensitive to noise and smell are all SID related. I would DEFINITELY have him evaluated. The sooner the better. He may be dx with pdd-nos or SID now and maybe get a dx for Asperger's later, he's still quite young. The most important thing is intervention. Without intervention, he may never learn how to play with his peers or be comfortable in his own skin. Sounds like he definitely needs occupational therapy for his sensory issues. I wouldn't worry too much. He sounds so smart that whatever he has, he can find a way to adjust to it with the right help.

I am not on the spectrum and did not like playing with most children because I was shy and adults were more on my level of knowledge and maturity. I spent more time around adults when I was an infant/toddler so I was better at interacting with them.

As to Aspies being better behaved than "normal" children... Yeah, don't count on that. I love my son, he is so intelligent, and really he is a Good kid. However, I would never try to sugar coat him to make him out to be an angel. He can be quite a terror sometimes.

Hi...

I know you're tearful and you need space, so I'll mostly leave you alone until you're feeling a bit more over it.

My first thoughts were to say "yay, congratulations" because Aspergers is actually not as bad as it seems. There's a lot of negative stuff about it on the web but there's a lot of good too.

Whatever the condition, it doesn't change the fact that he's your son and one day, you'll be very proud of him.

I've got aspergers and so do both of my boys. The best thing I did was to accept their diagnosis (and mine). Now I'm able to apply myself to their problems. They're getting a much better chance than I ever got... but even so, I'm very successful in life. I'm married, have a good job and am happy. Your son will be too.

Have you looked up the symptoms of a 'gifted' child? Can be very similar to AS. Some might argue that it is the highest functioning ASD.

Whatever the 'diagnosis' you are lucky to have such a bright little boy xx

I agree with

"When in doubt, check it out. There is no harm in getting an evaluation (and no cost in the US through the school system) and I always feel that it's better to know what you're dealing with. Either everything is perfectly "normal", or perhaps it is AS. He's still so young that you'd be ahead of the game by getting an evaluation this early, which is usually a very good thing.

If you're in the US, I would call the school district and your pediatrician. The school can't make a diagnosis but they can provide services (with or without a diagnosis) and the pediatrician will likely refer you to a childhood developmental psycologist/center/etc. "

This is excellent advice. Your son sounds like he may have Asp. or other tendencies, but he may be fine. He will also be fine even if he does had AS.

My son sounds a lot like yours except for the speech part. He could read before he could engage in any conversation.

Be careful about heeding all the advice. When my son was diagnose they were negative about his future and he has out surpasssed everyone's predictions.

Your little boy sounds like he has a lot of potential and character. You are lucky to have such a wonderful little guy.

Your son sounds like a fun kid who can do very well in life. He's got loads going for him, and in the old days all of twenty years ago, he would have simply been described as a bright kid with a bunch of eccentricities. One way or another he would have got through school and college and might have ended up as professor of something. Or not, of course. Nowadays, you might get him assessed and monitored and get some intervention which might help to ensure that he does well in life. Or not... I'd check out what is available to you and how helpful it is and I would not start the process unless I was sure there are no pitfalls. From bitter experience I have learnt that there can be harm in getting an eval.

Just one question that I have is you describe some odd knowledge (hexagons?) for such a young kid, and you describe asking him to put letters in order and so on. So it sounds like you have coached him in these very academic skills. Maybe you yourself can coach him a little bit in the 'Semantic Pragmatic' aspects of conversation. A book I have found helpful is called "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship" (look up on Amazon) you would recognise him in the chapter on "The Little Adult". Hope this helps, and good luck.

He does sound like he may have some Asperger's tendencies, but that is not necessarily a death sentence. Some pediatricians/psychologists/other assorted hacks will try to convince you that he will have trouble constantly and never be able to function properly in the real world, but this is a load of bullcrap. Given your description of him he seems to be very high-functioning if he is AS at all. Brilliant mind, with a few eccentricities, that pretty much sums up some of the worlds most sucessful people. So don't listen to the hacks, listen to your kid, figure out what he wants to become in life and help him however you can, and if he doesn't end up a sucessful adult, I'll slap myself.