14 Jun 2009, 1:25 pm
I see all kinds of great tips for dealing with autistic kids, but none of them seem to apply to really young children (like 2 or 3 years old) who still can't grasp concepts outside the immediate here and now.
And I'm going CRAZY trying to figure out how to deal with some of the worst problems I've encountered with my son, who turns 3 in late August. He freaks out over the smallest disappointment, and it doesn't matter if we're at home or in the middle of the grocery store, he'll scream at the top of his lungs and kick and hit until he gets his way. When I say "scream," I don't mean the kind you hear from other toddlers, I mean screams that sound like he's being burned alive in the fires of hell. The kind where every person within a half-mile radius turns toward us with wide eyes and says "what the f....?" 
He also refuses to hold my hand when we're crossing the street or in a busy parking lot. He freaks out if I make him. He won't listen to me if I tell him things like "Don't touch that, it's hot" or "Don't pull the cat's tail" or "You can't get in that car, it's not ours." I know he hears me, he just refuses to comply. And if I make him do it anyway (either in a kind and coaxing manner or being gruff and putting my foot down) he freaks out.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to take him out anymore, which means that we don't go anywhere as a family, which means we're stuck in the house all the time. And that's not the way I want to live. I love going out and doing things, and I want to show Lucas the world. But he's just so .... inappropriate. And so hard to handle.
I don't know what to do anymore. And it makes me really sad. Depressed is more accurate. And I'm starting to feel hopeless about our situation. 
Any advice on how you all deal/dealt with kids this age would be greatly appreciated. I'm stumped.
Thanks.
14 Jun 2009, 2:33 pm
14 Jun 2009, 2:45 pm
Ah, it's one of YOU again. 
Here's a good article about managing public tantrums written by the mom of an autistic kid:
by Kristyn Crow
With most of life's problems, we can't just ignore them and hope they'll go away. However, tantrums can be an exception. With the right technique, you can ignore your child's tantrums and eliminate them--hopefully forever. But it takes guts and determination.
My Tantrum Hell
When my son Kyle was five, his autism made language difficult. Rather than express his frustration in words, he screamed. He would lay on the floor, screeching, sometimes hitting himself and kicking his feet. This made traveling to public places a challenge. At the grocery store, Kyle would spot a toy or book and grab it. If I removed it from his grasp (even to buy it) it would trigger a tantrum so severe I often had to leave the store, embarrassed, abandoning my half-full grocery cart. Worse were the disgusted stares of onlookers, who, not realizing Kyle was autistic, seemed to say, "Lady, get control of your bratty kid."
The Technique
At the U.C. San Diego Autism Laboratory, I learned a technique which cured Kyle of his tantrums. Certainly there is no 100% fool-proof solution for every tantrum-throwing child, but I found this method to be tremendously effective.
Imagine you're at the mall, and your child begins to throw a fit. Try the following steps:
1. Firmly hold his hand. This is to ensure he doesn't run away, hurt himself, or hurt other people.
2. Say, "When you stop screaming, I will speak to you." Don't say anything else.
3. While he tantrums, turn your head completely away from him and do not allow him to see your face. Pretend not to hear him. Don't worry about what other people think. Continue to walk toward your destination. If he plays "dead weight" or flails, keep holding his hand, standing with your head turned, as long as it takes. (This is easier said than done, but you can do it.) If you absolutely must carry him, do so robotically, without emotion. Put him down as soon as you possibly can.
4. Immediately make eye contact and speak to him when he is calm. If your child stops screaming and speaks (without yelling), turn quickly and look at him. "Oh, did you say something?" Give him your undivided attention as long as he is behaving rationally. Make eye contact and talk in a friendly tone. You are now doing the opposite of what you were before. Kneel down and get on his level. Show interest in what he has to say. Remain firm in your position, but calmly explain. "I'm sorry we couldn't get that toy you wanted. It's just too expensive."
Repeat the above steps as often as necessary. You may even need to switch back and forth into ignoring/non-ignoring modes several times, using his behavior as the "trigger." If he begins to scream or wail again, take his hand, stand up, and turn your face away from him. Do not say a word. You want him to feel invisible when he is having a tantrum.
Remember, you are teaching him self-control, so hang on to yours. Your child craves your attention. If he only has your focus when he is calm and rational, he will eventually choose to behave that way.
When I used this method with Kyle, he was only minimally verbal. He could utter some phrases, but certainly not carry on a meaningful conversation. I was doubtful that these steps would work on a child who couldn't be reasoned with. I thought that Kyle's tantrums were due solely to his autism, and that they couldn't be helped. I was wrong. I had underestimated Kyle's ability to manipulate me. Often times we do this with special needs children--we let them get away with inappropriate behaviors because we assume they "can't help it."
WARNING: Ignoring outbursts will first cause them to become worse. Your child will think, "Hmmm, screaming and kicking always worked before. Maybe I need to be louder." When this happens, don't assume that your efforts aren't working. It may take time before he "gets" it.
I used this ignoring technique with Kyle on four separate occasions, gritting my teeth as I endured his hysteria. It wasn't easy. Each episode seemed to be worse than the last. I felt like giving up. Then, suddenly, as if by magic, the tantrums ceased. Today Kyle is thirteen. He still struggles with the symptoms of Autistic Disorder, but is very well-behaved.
I remember whenever I had any immunizations or blood drawn when I was little, the nurse would usually tell me "You can cry, but you can't scream." I thought this was a reasonable compromise and even though I was sobbing usually from the discomfort, I managed not to scream. But then I was much older, and this advice may only be useful when he's older.
And for this period in his life, it may be best to get a child leash, as awful and tacky as those are. They are sometimes useful teaching tools that tell him he's not allowed to run away from you or touch stuff when you tell him not to, as long as you don't use it as a punishment.
Remember, YOU CAN'T REASON WITH A 3 YEAR OLD because most children don't get to that developmental stage until they're 5 or 6. You can only give them consistent consequences to their behavior. 3 year olds understand simple cause and effect, even autistic ones. Discipline and structure is very important in any kid's life, and bargaining or getting angry is completely counterproductive and basically bad parenting, but fortunately it can be unlearned. No disrespect to the above poster, but I don't think he's provided you with any concrete methods to managing the tantrums.
14 Jun 2009, 2:55 pm
14 Jun 2009, 4:45 pm
14 Jun 2009, 6:22 pm
14 Jun 2009, 8:20 pm
14 Jun 2009, 9:03 pm
Thanks for the good advice, everybody. I am going to apply these techniques to Lucas the next time we go out (or the next time he tantrums at home). My husband and I were doing some of this earlier, and Lucas responded really well to it, but we slacked off. Then, in the past 6 weeks or so, he amped it up so that his tantrums were so explosive I honestly thought if spontaneous combustion was possible, it'd happen to him at that moment.
I'm going to have to get strong. My will must be stronger than his. And I must ignore the stares in public - that will be the hardest part, probably.
Thorny_Rose, you say what my mom says about Lucas: He's going through the same things as all other kids his age, it's just way more intense.
And Snowy_Owl, you are correct in your statements, too. Sometimes I feel like my own emotions are just as detrimental to Lucas's development as his struggles with autism. I need to keep myself in check, but every now and then I just fall apart. The pressures of raising an autistic child are more intense than any challenge I've faced thus far in life.
Thanks to everyone for your advice and support. It's nice to know I'm not alone. 
14 Jun 2009, 10:06 pm
15 Jun 2009, 6:42 am
15 Jun 2009, 8:20 am
15 Jun 2009, 10:25 am
15 Jun 2009, 10:37 am
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15 Jun 2009, 5:32 pm
15 Jun 2009, 5:47 pm
