Aspies need down time

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Here's a funny observation my husband made last night regarding our 10 yo son with AS. My son prefers to stay in his room, watching TV, playing with action figures, cars, puzzles, etc, by himself. But last night my husband does what he always does when he gets home from work - go by my son's room, open the door and just say "hi - how was school - what are you playing"...just making contact - letting him know in his own way that he's home, missed him, ect. But last night he left my son's room and came to me and said "you know, every time I do that, every day he always looks at me like - "great - another person wanting to intereact....what now? Can't you see I'm busy and don't want to be interrupted -". He wasn't taking it personally because we know that's just our son's AS personality, but it made me realize something. I have recently read posts on this website talking about how school, social interaction with students, etc can be taxing on an Aspie and they may use that alone time in their room as down time. After reading those posts and my husband's observation I have come to the conclusion that more than likely, it's not a personal thing and my aspie just probably needs to decompress after a long day of having to interact with people and try to meet their expectations.

This site really helps me as a parent of an Aspie to see into what he may be thinking and reasons why he does things that may actually have nothing to do with me, bad parenting, or anthing like that.....it's just an aspect of AS.

Just thought I'd share that....

That is great - I really think that the foundation for an aspie being successful is for them to learn to manage their own needs and know what they need - like not being around people 24 hours a day . . . so I think it will really help your son that you are being so helpful . . .
Have you guys ever done nothing together? That is like my ultimate dream for a relationship . . . just being able to sit in the room with someone and not interact with them but know that they want to be in the room with me - just watch the weather channel for hours or Jaws over and over (my favorite movie) . . .

It realy isnt personal I need a few hours a day to decompress My wife used to think I was just tring to get out of stuff but now realise this is the case and not bug me

I react the same way as your son. I tell my husband not to take it personally - that it's not just him, I'd react the same way no matter who it was. It must be hard for an NT to truly accept stuff like this. I'm glad to see you're looking at it from the aspie's point of view - too many people won't do that. Instead, they see the aspie behavior as a problem that needs to be fixed just because the NT doesn't understand it.

Oh, we absolutely need "down time." I used to cycle home from school, 5 miles. I liked this because even if I cycled with a friend, I would go so fast she couldn't talk When my dad (probable aspie) comes home, he likes to sit alone and "unwind." Now, when I get home from work, my husband isn't very often home yet, and it's nice to just relax. It's good you're coming to understand your son better, because a lot of aspies have difficulty explaining our needs. Having my private time intruded on is something that can trigger a major tantrum (even at the age of 24 )

This aspie too, at 49 years of age.
I've long thought I'd be more up for a social life if I didn't work (and talk) with people all day.

Of course, if you're a lighthouse keeper on an isolated pinnacle, the second half of the balance might be hard to fulfil.

Glad to see I am not alone. My son is 10 years old and it's taken me this long to really start seeing things through his eyes. I am a social butterlfy, so it has always baffled me why he'd always prefer to be alone. I'd feel like "he hasn't seen me all day and now he'd rather be alone than spend a little time with me." Of course, now I am beginning to see that hey, it's not necessarily that he doesn't want to sepnd time ME, it may be that he just doesn't want to spend time with ANYONE.

You're right, for an NT, that's very hard to understand, but I want to give my son the opprotunity to be himself - especially when I see from so many posts on this webstie how destructive "good intentioned parents" can be to their Aspies when they try to just change them and make them conform rather than embrace some of th AS quirks. I have to admit, it's hard for me to just sit in a room and not interact (being the chatty social butterfly that I am) but I will try it. The funny thing is, later on in the evening, he enjoys playing board games, etc with the family, so I guess he just needs that time to wind down.

Another factor is his obsession with time. The shows he likes to watch are right around the time we get home from work and want to chitchat, so it's like "can't you see I'm busy?"......is the constant monitoring of time an Aspie trait too? I've often wondered that. He's conctantly telling hist teacher or his dad and I what time it is and where/when they should be doing something b/c that's the schedule. And anytime we go somewhere, he always checks to see if there's a clock so he can always know what time it is. The first day of school, the first thing he notices in the classroom is where the clock is....is that AS or just an obsession?

It's interesting what a change of phrase or perspective can do...

There may not be a lot of difference in actual activity, but there might be a new world of approach between trying to change an aspie to fit into the world, and equipping one to deal with it.

I do like punctual time-keeping, and would get frustrated by people who didn't seem to care. There are issues of promise keeping, and not liking coping with the unexpected, involved here.
I did shift ground a little when someone explained a different perspective: I was told that Americans, early in their contacts in the Phillipines became known as "the ones with their gods on their wrists" because they could not do *anything* without consulting the master that each carried with them. Hmm. Pause for thought, on that.

I would say that he is 1. trying to stay to a schedule (that is a very AS trait) you know rule that these things happen at this time.
2. He really likes his shows and has to see them. My son HAS to watch his shows, cannot miss a minute, and don't say anythign to him during or he will yell.
My son carries a stop watch and likes to time things... How long it takes to do this and that.. Plus he likes math. Have you asked him? Like during one of those times that he is feeling particularly chatty?

Quietangel -he loves math. I always kind of knew part of it was about keeping on a schedule, but I never thought about a stopwatch. He's a whiz at math (except for abstract word problems where he has to infer what they want him to do, which he is horrible at) and loves to ask me what time we need to do something, what time it is and then tell me to the minute how long we have left to do it.

He too schedules his shows and MUST stick to it. And he also gets very aggitated if interrupted. But as far as the time issue goes, it can cause problems b/c life just doesn't always stick to a schedule and there aren't always absolutes, so he is still trying to learn that.

But as for your comment Emmettman about promises being kept, that is so on target. He is the promise police and you had better not tell him you are going to do something or even that you think the sky is blue, because if he goes outside and sees it's gray instead, he's going to let you know just how horribly wrong you are - and sometimes insist that you admit you were wrong. Most times, I think he just wants to know exactly how many more minutes he's going to have to endure people's presence

That's not surprising to me at all. I also need to wind down after a day at work/school/whatever. If I don't get that time to myself for whatever reason, that's when things get ugly. I've had periods of time (family vacations and the like) where I couldn't be alone AT ALL for a period of time, and I'd get these nasty stomachaches that would not go away no matter how much Pepto Bismol I drank. After spending time alone, I feel re-energized and am ready to do whatever else needs to be done after work, but if I don't get time to myself I can't re-energize, and it's not something I can mask with caffeine.

I don't know how common it is for aspies in general but you just described me. I've always been obsessed with time and it drives me crazy when other people don't pay attention to it the way I do. (Like this morning, my husband saying he wanted to get up at 7:00, then he laid there til 7:10 before he got up.) Around here I think kids learn how to tell time in school around grade 3 - age 8. I demanded that my parents teach me when I was 4 years old because I couldn't stand not knowing what time it was. I was the only kid in my kindergarten class who wore a watch.

Yeah, there is a clock in every room of our house (except the bathrooms! ) and he's always the time monitor. And there is no estimating time. Don't tell him it's 6:00 if it's 5:57 because that's just not a true statement and he'll make you acknowledge the fact that you made a mistake. He's a stickler about things.

I think that's because he just does not grasp abstract concepts at all - which is why he has such a hard time with word problems, metaphors, sarcasmn, etc. The other day I tried to explain to him what rounding up or down in terms of money meant and it just did not compute. He needs hard and fast rules, guidelines and expectations....sometimes I want to tell his teacher "just give him the facts - none of this superflous stuff to help him remember" - those tricks to remember how to do math problems or understand the English language only bog him down and don't serve the purposte they were meant to.

The more I learn about AS and it's effects on my son, the more I am fascinated by how he views the world - and how much more simple life inside his brain must be versus how chaotic and crazy we NT's make our lives.

It's a funny thing, there were times in my childhood I tried to stay on a schedule I imposed on myself. I would have a few TV shows I'd watch, then I'd have lunch at the same time, then another activity I liked to do in the afternoon. For a while, it was the same routine everyday. Sometimes would ask me why I did this same thing every day and I didn't have an answer. I also hated it when my activities were disrupted, which did happen often. I didn't like the fact that others got to pick their activities, and I didn't get to pick mine.

I had never realized trying to put oneself on a schedule could be an aspie trait but it doesn't surprise me.

I don't have a dx, but knowing this makes me wonder even more so if I am AS.

Yes, that's true. My aspie has always been obsessed with being on a schedule. As he's gotten older, he's learned how to better handle a situation when his schedule is disrupted, but he still hates it. Which is frusterating for me because there are so many times when things beyond my control make us have to change a schedule and he pitches a fit. But then there are days when he's totally cool with it and just goes with the flow.....guess it's just like the rest of us...good days and bad.

Tricky...
There are ideas, or "tools", that I found useful but what suits one may not take on another. Getting to see that less than exact specification is sometimes reasonable and useful was a relief.

For Geography or history, sometimes you need exact, sometimes a continent or a century will do,

In engineering it's "tolerance": plus or minus a *specified* amount, because being more exact than that is WASTEFUL of time and effort. I came to like the idea of "good enough", because I didn't like the idea of wasted effort.

For Geography or history, sometimes you need exact, and sometimes a continent or a century will do.

In mathematics it's "greater than" > or < "less than"
What bolts, or marbles, will fit in a hole? Being the smallest amount too big is a reject, but *any size* smaller will do.

Best wishes,
Chris.