An Introduction and How it is with me

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This is my first post here. I'm a mother of an adult son with Autism. He's 26 and he lives with us. We've had our ups and downs. I'm not sure where to start, I guess just by saying that we seem to be in a crisis. It's probably med-related (not enough) and we're addressing that. But the underlying issue is his anger. It seems so very close to the surface. If everything is going good, he's fine. If the slightest thing happens - a delay, a change in routine, he can't handle it. And when one is 6 feet tall and 200+ pounds, that's a problem.

Over the weekend we had a fender-bender in a parking lot. Really minor stuff, but he immediately started in with his defiance. He said if he was a driver, he would never stop, he would keep going. And when he starts making statements like that, to contradict him is to escalate the situation. So I try to be calm and in effect, agree with whatever he's saying and just try to get him to calm down. His dad was off exchanging info with the other driver. At one point our son burst out of the car and I had to contain him. I looked over at his dad and said, 'we just have to go," and so we did.

Yesterday evening a neighbor stopped by. She's new to the neighborhood and seems like a really nice person. When she arrived, I introduced my son to her. He went back into his room while she and I talked. Then my husband came home and we three were talking nicely. All of a sudden our son comes out of his room and had a meltdown. He said some socially awkward things and when I responded, he got that attitude of combativeness. She handled it as well as can be expected and didn't seem shocked. But I'm sure we'll never see her again here.

That's a shame, cause we are so isolated.

My husband, god bless him, has stayed all this time. Even though I gave him a son like this and ruined his life. A lesser man would have been long gone. But we have never been a super communicative couple. We keep quiet with our individual fears. It's just the way we are.

I'm afraid of my son. He's big, he doesn't understand, and he could hurt us. Sometimes I wonder just what he's capable of.

It would appear that we are at the end of our road here. That maybe it's time for him to be placed in a home. We're working with his dr to increase his meds. But I have no illusions that this will fix things.

Any comments or anything would be welcomed. I don't know the make-up of this forum, if there is anyone out there who has experienced what we are going through. I don't have any answers, I'm just trying to get through one day at a time, and trying very, very hard not to look at the big picture, which is the utter failure of my little family.

You seem brave, you had make it well until now. There are bad days to every one at any time, sometimes, only thing you can do, is to hold on very hard in order to not be finished at the floor. It is not your fault, is not anyone fault either.

I don't know if your son still in traetment, if is improving or if he is now the better man he will be. If you and your husband are here 26 years after you had your son, any decision you make togetter; will be fine. You must be very pround of your selfs.

P.S. Excuse my bad english.

My first thought: Wow.

I am not a parent, but I do know that it takes TWO to have a child...Therefore you should not be blaming yourself for your son. Asperger's/Autism can happen to pretty much anyone at any time.

I hope things get better for you, your husband, and your son.

Hi, Fallenleaf. I agree with Uisart- I think you've shown a lot of love and courage in caring for your son. He's lucky to have such a devoted mother. I'm very sorry that things are so difficult for you at the moment.

I don't see why you shouldn't see that friendly new neighbour again. Why not write her a little note to tell her that you enjoyed her visit and to invite her over again for coffee and a chat? You could explain that your son is autistic so that she isn't caught by surprise if he behaves awkwardly again.

You DIDN'T "ruin" your husband's life. Why are you any more responsible for your son's autism than your husband? Both of you are his parents and each of you contributed your genes to create him. No one is to blame- it just happened.

Maybe you and your husband need to have some time alone together occasionally so you can have a chance to just be a couple and not have to constantly care for your son. Is there someone who can keep an eye on him while the two of you go out for dinner or to see a movie?

It sounds like you need to talk to his doctor about not only your son's medication, but also about getting more support in caring for him. You shouldn't have to live in fear of your son. Your family hasn't "failed"- you and your husband are doing the very best you can in a difficult situation. I really wish you well, Fallenleaf. Please remember to take care of yourself as well as your son. ok? Jenny

hi jenny. couple of incidents that you describe do not look that bad (from a distance of course) but probably the constant flux of such things can be overwhelming. you sound more tired that scared . can you do some small steps to relief your stress and improve your state? go to the movies once a week or just find some outside fun activity for yourself. you'll be much more able to deal with your son when you are ok and the whole situation may look better.

my heart goes out to you as i'm tearing while i write this (and i'm at work)

it takes a strong person to be there, believe me i wanted to leave myself (stepdad of a girl with AS)
but i pray things get better and ask God to bring people into our lives that will help.

dont give up hope

I'm so sorry for you that it has come to this point and that you seem so hopeless. I imagine he is in treatment if there are meds to be adjusted, so maybe that and talk therapy will help.
Absolutely- please get back in touch with that neighbor! I know how it is to be isolated. She may not know what to think of meeting your son, but if you explain your challenges to her she may just understand.
I had many years of having to explain about my "socially awkward" son before we knew about AS. There have been times where it was embarrassing when he would get so argumentive in front of others.
My point is that people who don't know, don't understand.
I am also here because there is no communication with my husband. So any support is comforting and that's why seeing all these posts helps.
Hang in there. Wish I had more wisdom to share. But get all the support you can and don't isolate yourself. This is hard. Everyday something new to deal with.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You love your son,as we all love our kids. You did not ruin your family, but you have a hard situation and you need help with it.

It sounds as if you need someone to talk to. Perhaps your son's doctor can refer you to someone that is a great listener or maybe find someone who has a similar situation and meet for coffee once a week.. Make sure you make time for yourself.
With my son sometimes we need to concentrate on speaking nicely to others. I discuss with him what I think is a trend coming on and we agree that we need to be nicer to others. Then whenever I notice him getting upset, I remind him in a quiet voice to remember to speak in a nice voice. It seems to help. Many times I reward him if I notice a big improvement by purchasing something he wants or letting him pick out a restaurant. I hope things improve for you. We all have bad days. Keep the faith.

I'm really heartened by reading the replies. After I wrote my initial post I kind of cringed cause it sounded so self-pitying and melodramatic. The fact, oh, those are real. But the way I presented them left much to be desired. I thank all of you for not calling me on that.

I wrote a note to the neighbor. Didn't know her last name, all I know is her first, and her apt number. I stood in front of the mailboxes trying to figure out where to stick a note. Finally ended up placing it where it kind of sticks out, and whether she actually ever saw it is unknown.

My son is fairly stable. If things are going well, it's okay. It reminds me of what I heard about grizzly bears once - if the bear is happy, it's happy. If things don't go the bear's way, the bear goes insane.

I'd like to ask if anyone here has had to place their child in another living arrangement. Whether age is the reason or if you just couldn't handle them anymore, it'd be really helpful for me to talk to people who have been through that. My son's psychiatrist said, about a year ago when we first came to him, kind of in crisis mode like this, that "you don't have to live like this, you know. There are options." I waved that off at the time, but now I'm beginning to see that as an option. In fact, as a lifeline, at those times when I can't stop thinking about all this.

Right now I'm just a big, fat taker. I can't offer anyone any help or support or advice. I'm here to ask for help and advice. Maybe someday things will be a little more sane and I'll be able to be helpful to others, but for now all I can do is ask for help.

Thank you

I think there might be some benefit to transitioning your son to a supportive living environment. Chances are good that he will outlive you and it will probably be an easier transition for him while he's relatively young and while you are able to actively supervise the process.

You sound like a very nice person by the way. Nice to meet you.