ignore or encourage? (sorry about the length of this one)

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I'm not quite sure how to start this, so I'll just jump right into it. My son was diagnosed with AS almost a year ago, when we had a formal diagnosis I enrolled him in a preschool that had a mixed group of NT and AS children, with teachers who between them had 25 years exprience with AS and Autistic children, and I started changing my whole way of parenting. My son improved by leaps and bounds, and it was to the point that his anxiety was under control, his meltdowns were few and far between, and for the most part he was a brilliant 4 (5)year old with some quirks. During the last few weeks of school, his teachers, who I was in constant communication with, told me that he was getting increasingly disruptive, and asked me if it was something I had noticed at home. It was. He had started asking the same questions or making the same statement over and over again, whether or not anyone responded to him. It was things like "I have a train on my shirt" or "Why is the light on". And, like I said, he didn't really care whether or not anyone answered him, he would just stand next to me or the teachers, and say it. Over and over and over. It was very difficult to carry on a conversation for me, and I can imagine it made lessons quite difficult for the teachers

Anyway, I just thought it would pass, but then it started to escalate, He would make the same statement, or ask the same question, only now he would demand an answer. I would answer him a few times, and then eventually say "I've already answered that question, it's time to stop" and then he would. Then it got to the point, that not only would he not stop, but he also wanted a very specific answer and would scream and cry and start to melt down if he didn't get it.

Over the past 5 weeks it has gotten even worse. He's argumentative, he still asks the same questions over and over again, doesn't even give me a chance to respond before he's screaming at me or someone else, he's constantly in meltdown mode. I can't have a conversation with my husband until after the kids go to bed. and now it's things like "alligators live in the ocean, say yes,SAY YES MOM! I TOLD YOU TO ANSWER ME MOM!" which puts me in a pickle, because not only is he screaming at me, but I can't tell him that alligators don't live in the ocean without sending him into a rage, or deviate at all from what he wants to hear in general.
I know that he's got a lot going on, schools out, so that's thrown his routine off, and it's hard to have a steady schedule in the summer what with trips to the lake or camping (after the last we aren't going anywhere for a while, we had to leave early because he was so out of control that he was hurting himself and his little brother) , I'm 9 months pregnant with my 3rd child (which also means doctors appointments every week, further disrupting his routine), and I know that that makes him anxious. So I know he's got a lot to deal with, and I'm doing the best I can to make things predictable for him. I don't know if i've done the right thing or not, but with this new baby, i've been trying to talk to him about it and prepare him for it, maybe I've talked about it too much, I don't know. I also know that I have been getting increasingly irritable with the heat, the hormones and the stress (last night I yelled at my poor husband for no good reason, when he was just trying to help) So I know that he's got a lot of anxiety going on, but I can't seem to help him. I'm at a loss, I'm tired and I cry just about everynight because I don't know how to help him or how to make life liveable for the rest of us in the house. I mean, What do I do about this behavior, do ignore his questions and send him to his room to calm down, do I answer them and encourage him to keep it up, will it stop? It all seems like a vicious cycle that we're stuck in. The more he screams, the more stressed and upset I get, the more he screams. I try removing him from the situation, but that only gives me a few minutes of peace until the next meltdown.

does anyone have any idea how I break this cycle?

Frist of all hang in there. I'd answer him once then tell him ok were done with that question now and if you ask again you'll have to go to your room until you clam down. If it's something you know isn't right like the alligator thing tell him your not sure and how about we look it up and learn together.It sounds like everyone is stressed in your house right now and it if you can find a sittter or someone in your family that can hanndle the kids you need a break at lest for a hour or two before the new baby comes. Maybe see if there's a summer program near your house he can go to even if it is just for an hour or two a week. If it helps at all my sons behavoir gets realy bad for a short time before he gains a new skill and this might juts all be growing pains.

OK, for starters, try not to worry and panic. I know life isnt always easy, but remaining calm is a good thing.

Also, that isnt a long post, I can read it on one pages without scrolling. You should see some of my posts

Ok, down to the topic at hand. When your son asks you questions like that, he really isnt interested in the answer. If he didn't understand your response, then I could see him asking again. But asking a question, and then demanding a specific answer seems more like a reaction to anxiety. Your son is feeling out of control and looking to regain that control wherever possible via having consistency. And of course asking a question and getting the same answer over and over is vary consistent. You could try combating this in a few ways:


1. Figure out if there is anything stressing him out. As you are well aware, more anxiety leads to more problems. It could be that he is worried about the new baby, and that is causing him to stress out. While you obviously can't postpone the baby, you can try to reassure him and tell him that you will still be there for him when the baby comes. It may also be a good idea to schedule some enjoyable activities together after the baby comes. For example, if he likes playing a certain game, tell him that you will spend some time with him every week playing with him. Just get your husband to watch the baby for a few hours and spend time with your son.


2. Let him have more say about unimportant things. For example, what vegetable will be served with dinner that night. Let him decide which spoon he gets to use for his cereal. Silly things like giving him the choice between a metal spoon and a plastic one dont really matter, but it may help him to feel more in control. Let him decide where he gets to sit for dinner, etc. This may not fix the problem completely, but it could help, and might be worth trying.


3. Set up a safe haven for your son. Some people say that they set up a small tent in their child's bedroom and designated that a safe spot. A tent is not required, but some small private area where your son can get away is a good idea. When he is in there, nobody is allowed to bother him. If he is feeling anxious, nervous, or overwhelmed, he can go there and relax. Try to stock this area with things that he likes such as books or magazines that he enjoys. If your son makes good use of this, he may be less stressed during the day, and thus be less prone to this sort of thing.


4. Redirect. If your son gets like this, try saying something like, 'I have already answered your question, and unless you ask something different, I cannot give you a different answer.' When your son becomes upset tell him, 'I am sorry, but I cannot do what you want. Perhaps you would feel better if you (insert enjoyable solo activity here)'. Something simple like building things with legos/k'nex is a good start. Maybe building sand castles in a sand box? I really dont know what your son does for fun, but try to redirect him toward that activity if he starts becoming agitated. Odds are spending time doing something he enjoys will help him calm down.

5. Use a decoy and hide. Next time your son asks something, tell him that you dont know the answer, and tell him to go ask his father. Then, while he is asking his father, go hide. I can't see that going wrong.

Wow, thank you guys. these suggestions really help, I will try them and see if they help him

Your pregnanant. That is what is turning his world upside down. When I was pregnant with my second son, my first( then 4 with high functioning Autism) was fine till he startted to see the bulge in my belly and asked what it was. The further along I was, the more anxiety he had. I don't think he knew quite what to expect. When the baby arrived, everything fell apart. It took awhile to get him back to where he was before the whole 'pregnant thing' and to be accpeting of his new brother. Change in any way, is overwhelming when nothing makes sence as it is.

I completely relate to your post--my 5 year old is now in this exact phase---repeating the same questions over and over and telling me what to say all the time...it drives other people nuts too! We had a playdate today and he kept asking the other child (4 yers old) a question about another boy from his school that this boy doesn't even know...and his friend finally got tired of answering and just started ignoring him, which of course my child didn't really understand. frustrating.

he has always fixated on certain things, but this asking the same question over and over is pretty irritating. I answer once and then say "you already know that" and he will answer himself or I will say "no repeating", but that won't stop him from asking again a few minutes later. i am still trying to find the best way to make him understand that people don't like to be s=asked the same questions over and over again. I wonder if this is just his way of trying to have/start a conversation sometimes though...? now that pre school is out for the summer & he is not around teachers/other kids as much, not getting as much focused activity maybe...

I completely relate to your post--my 5 year old is now in this exact phase---repeating the same questions over and over and telling me what to say all the time...it drives other people nuts too! We had a playdate today and he kept asking the other child (4 yers old) a question about another boy from his school that this boy doesn't even know...and his friend finally got tired of answering and just started ignoring him, which of course my child didn't really understand. frustrating.

he has always fixated on certain things, but this asking the same question over and over is pretty irritating. I answer once and then say "you already know that" and he will answer himself or I will say "no repeating", but that won't stop him from asking again a few minutes later. i am still trying to find the best way to make him understand that people don't like to be s=asked the same questions over and over again. I wonder if this is just his way of trying to have/start a conversation sometimes though...? now that pre school is out for the summer & he is not around teachers/other kids as much, not getting as much focused activity maybe...

My son does this too. He started by asking questions about things he already knew at age 2 such as "Is this train blue?" We then began to teach him the difference between a statement and a question and after about a hundred explanations of this, he finally understood and enjoyed stating things that he knew. This is what we believe he was trying to do from the start.

About a year later, he started asking more repetetive questions. For example, when reading a familiar story, he would ask why the dog was sad and we'd talk about it. Then the next night, he would ask the same thing and I would explain it a little more simply and thoroughly. Then the next night he would ask again, and at this point I knew it was a habit, not a quest for knowledge.

Now at 4 1/2, he has begun more of the controlling aspect of questioning and using the same exact words will say "Say yes mom! I told you to so answer me now!" I can tolerate repetive questioning and speech, but NOT rudeness. I'm confident that my son asks and states the same thing over and over because he finds it comforting. That is his stim, if you will. He's not doing it all of the time, but enough that it can be quite annoying.

The approach that we take is to give him our full attention at the first question/statement. From that point on he gets a nonchalant "you've asked/said that already, now move on please." If he gets mad enough to start being disrespectful, he gets a time out. If he goes into full blown meltdown, he goes to his chill out spot. So far, this has worked out pretty well. He still repeats himself and I'm OK with that as long as he understands that he only gets a response from us the first time (unless of course he didn't hear us or didn't understand our response).

Occasionally he will want us to say something that isn't true and we will humor him as long as he understands that what we are saying is not true. For example, he'll say "Mom, say Bumblebee is a decepticon." to which I'll reply "If you say please and understand that Bumblebee is an autobot, I'll say it." This is usually good enough for him, so it usually works.

I think a lot of it is remaining cool and focusing on keeping things in control. Definately easier said than done, especially being pregnant! Don't be so hard on yourself and try to relax. We had a new baby last year and it was certainly a challenge ( I miss my hubby too). Don't forget that everyone in the family has rights, including mom!

I agree with you, the hardest part about it is the rudeness and the demanding, not so much the constant questioning.