Help understanding Asperger’s diagnosis in a 3 year old boy

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My son is the apple of my eye. For about a year now, I’ve recognized that he was progressing a little differently than his peers. His conversational language was delayed and he had a bit of awkwardness when interacting with other children. He was excellent about telling me what he wanted … or recounting stories in books … but not so good at filling me in on the details of his day.

He is an only child being raised by adults and grandparents, so I chalked some of his awkwardness up to that. I was a late speaker and flagged for speech services as a child, but I had hearing problems – he does not. He also flaps his hands when very excited. This is actually the behavior that lead up to his assessment by a developments pediatrician at 3 ½.

I feel a bit of guilt for waiting so long. I did a lot of reading on Autism, and did not think he fit the stereotypical profile. He is very affectionate to his care givers; he’s always been generous with the hugs and kisses. He has no issue with pointing and pointed from a young age. He engages in pretend play – be it making animals go to school or having Thomas trains get into bust-ups or playing doctor with our cats. He has never had a firm routine or demanded one. He has no issue with noises or fabrics; makes no demands for order. He is not fixed on any one topic, but does love books and animals (and, if I let him, Pingu).

But he was slow to respond to his name and did not have the best eye contact w/ strangers. He needed to be held 24-7 as a baby and I pretty much lived life with him in a sling/Bjorn. He was a nurse-a-holic. It took him to 3 ½ to fully potty train. He is a fixed eater. When he is immersed in something it’s hard to break him away. He tends to be a little repetitive in his play. Honestly – nothing that was ever a BIGRED FLAG to me – except the conversation. And the fact that I have to DRAG rote learning out of him. (Example: He knows his colors but will only say them to me if I make things exciting … i.e. I make a water balloon and you tell me the shade and get to throw it.)

The doctor diagnosed him has having “mild” Aspergers; said he was barely on the scale, but on it nonetheless. And that with early intervention (5 hours of “school” a day in an integrated program + some home services), he felt it would be “undetectable” by the time he was 5/6. He said that my son had no problem at all really – but that we lived in a world where people wanted everyone to be the same. His biggest concerns were deficits in conversational dialogue and reciprocal play. He also flagged anxiety. He was least concerned with the flapping.

At this point, I am just looking for advice/thoughts on how to make my child blossom. I am OK with framing my life to meet his needs. Some questions … for those who read this long-winded note…

(1) I worry how my little guy will handle FIVE hours a day of school/intervention. That seems like so much to me, like going from 0 to 80 mph. If I notice him going backwards … do I pull him out or pare it down? Or could that be part of the process before things move forward?


(2) When the doctor says that by 5/6 it will be “undetectable” does that mean my son will gain coping skills to essentially fake being NT … or something else? I was under the impression this was a neurological wiring thing? Is the schooling just to make coping mechanisms second nature?

(3) I am pregnant and trying to prepare him for that; he kisses my belly. Are there special ways to prepare an Aspie child for a sibling? He is very attached to me. He still sleeps in my bed most nights. There will be 4 years between my kids.

(4) What about getting him a pet? He loves animals so much. Our cats tolerate his affection … but I think a dog could be awesome. When we are out – he is fascinated by little dogs (pugs and such). Could that help with the baby transition? Or am I being crazy adding another element to the mix?

(5) I would also love to know from others with Asperger’s … what did you wish your parents understood about your mind?

(6) And finally … do most folks with Asperger’s have others in their family that also exhibit traits? I find myself trying to trace the origins of this … and reading into everything … mostly to gain a better understanding of what lies ahead. My mind can’t help but try to dissect and rationalize.

Apologies again for being so long-winded; I am just really excited to get perspectives from others with experience/insight.

I can obviously only answer from my own limited POV and experiences (twin boys, now 9, both dxed AS, ADHD and GAD, one also with OCD. Dx was made at 7 years old).

My guys could NOT have handled that amount of school and intervention at 3.5 yrs old, without becoming very stressed out. We were doing preschool 2 afternoons a week, speech therapy daily at home and once a week with a group, and a library group and swimming lessons once a week at that age. Would more social contact/intervention back then have benefited them for now, or would the stress, and less time to pursue their own interests and learn basic skills in a quiet one on one environment have been a detriment? I have no way of knowing 100%. My instincts tell me that quiet and freedom were the right choice for us (balanced with some social and intervention, of course). You could always try the dr.s recommendations and then adjust based on your own observations of how your child is doing. Remember that no "expert" knows him better than you do.


My understanding is also that it is a lifelong, neurological difference. So the dr.s idea would be that coping mechanisms learned would make your son indistinguishable from the other NT kids at 5 years old. I am leery of the idea of being able to dx a child at the age of 3 with mild AS in the first place. I would take the dx with a grain of salt, make use of whatever early interventions benefit him, discard or decline the ones that don't and see how he develops.


I have no experience with this one, but if you are going to need him in his own bed by the time his sibling arrives, you should get started on that transition ASAP.


Dogs are awesome for any kid! My sons have allergies, but we wish we could get one. However, a new puppy takes a lot of time and energy, that's not something that I would take on at the same time as a new baby and figuring out how best to care for your newly dxed son. Why rush?


Yes. Aspie traits run rampant in my family, and my husbands....which I think is really very cool.

Ok I'm going to try and answer your questions to the best of what I know.

1 five hours a day is alot you might want to make sure there is as much play in that day as you can and free time built in so he's not burnt-out and weepy at the end of the day. He's got alot going on right now and that might be what the regressing is about change is hard for any kid but ones on the spectrum it's even harded.
2 Doctors aren't gods as much as they think they are. Your son will always be who he is just better able to deal with things that might bug him.
3 The best way I've found to get my kids ready for anything is talk about alot. Talk to him whne he's some were or doing something that helps him focuse better with my younger son thats in the tub,shower or on the swings.
4 Animals are great for kids with as but for you with everthing going on atm I'd hold off until the new baby is at lest sleeping all night.
5 can't help with this on I'm the NTish mother of two boys on with a few As traits one with full blown autism.
6 The yes it runs in family but they use to just call folks odd and there other disorders with links to austism.

But remeber lots of people fall on the speturm and amazing things. Your little boy sounds like he'll be one of them. best of luck to you and welcome.

Dont worry about long posts, thats what we are here for.

For starters, it doesnt sound much like your son has any serious problem. As your doctor said, it is a trend in today's culture to label any abnormality as a problem, when it really isnt. There are far worse things then a 3 year old not making eye contact with strangers.

Asperger's syndrome is in some ways becoming like ADHD. When that condition was first diagnosed, it was only given to people who were severely affected by the condition, and struggled because of it. Unfortunately, it has become an excuse used by the school as to why they cannot teach effectively. Any student who shows a bit of disinterest in math class (not a neurological problem) is diagnosed, and put on drugs. This takes the blame off the teachers, suddenly it isnt their fault they are boring and cant teach well, it is the fault of the student's brain. And of course drug companies, and doctors who specialize in ADHD arent complaining when they get more patients and more money. Now I am not saying that ADHD doesnt exist, I am sure that it does. I am just saying that it has become over diagnosed.

Asperger's syndrome is unfortunately going the same way. Anybody who shows even the slightest hint of the condition (such as flapping when excited) is diagnosed. This generates more patients for the doctors to see, more special education money for the school, and takes the responsibility for any problems off the teachers and puts it on the child's condition.

Now I am not saying that your son doesnt have a trace of AS. It is certainly possible that he exhibit traits every now and then. But I dont think you need to completely change your life style when there is no significant problems. If it helps you to read about the condition then go ahead and read. I have no problems with you learning more about the condition. But I wouldnt start spending large sums of money, and making radical changes when there is nothing wrong. Try to take this diagnosis as just something to consider, not as a huge problem that needs to be fixed.

And now to answer your questions:

I would first find out what they are planning to do at these sessions. Tag along the first few times, and see how things go, what they are doing, etc. Tell your son that you would like him to try it out, and encourage him to do his best. But let him know that if he cannot handle it, you will be there to take him home. After the first few sessions, take him aside and ask him how he likes the schooling, if he wants to continue, etc. I wouldnt try forcing this intervention on him, its not as though he is going to die if he doesnt get specialized help.




Asperger's syndrome is hard wired into your brain, so you really can never remove it. But yes, you can learn coping strategies, and with enough practice, they will become second nature. And since a child's brain is more easily changed, it is easier to learn and put these coping strategies into place while he is still young. Just keep track of what type of skills they are trying to teach your son. Learning to listen to others and consider their feelings is a good thing. But forcing your son to make irrelevant small talk is probably a waste of time, and very boring to your son. As a general rule of thumb, try teaching him skills that make life easier such as how to interact with other people effectively. But try not to suppress his natural personality. If you have any questions about what is or isnt a good skill to teach, then just come on here and ask.



Sorry, but I have no personal experience with that. Just try to be as honest as possible with your son. Tell him what to expect when the baby comes, how things will changes, etc. The more he knows what to expect, the easier the transition will be.



I love dogs. I had one growing up, and they are great pets. I would recommend any child have a pet dog, not just aspie ones. However that being said, dont cause more headaches then you can handle. If you do get a dog, consider adopting one that is already house broken, and has a gentle personality. Dealing with a puppy when you already have a baby isnt the ideal case. But adopting a nice 2 year old dog is a great thing for any child. It is also a good way to teach some responsibility. I.E. pouring the dog some food, refilling the water bowl, etc.



The most important thing i think any parent needs to know about any child is simple. Each child is a unique creation, and they will be a unique individual. You shouldn't try to make your child fit a pre-existing mold. Some children would like to go out and party, some want to stay home and be alone. Some like to play sports, others dont. Some children are good at math, others may struggle. But no matter what your child's strengths, weaknesses, goals, and personality is. Just accept them and encourage him to make the most out of what he was given. Trying to force your child to be something they arent isnt going to help anything. I am all for giving children help when they are struggling, and teaching them how to live their lives in a more effective manner. But dont try making your son into something he isnt.



Yes, generally there is traits in the family. Sometimes not to the same extent in every generation, but usually you will find some traits. But I dont know if you will see anything obvious. To put it simply, everybody has a bit of autism in them. As in they all carry a few of the genes. If you were to make a list of people, with 0 being completely normal, and 10 being autistic, then most people would rate at a 1 or 2. Your average engineer or programmer might rate at 2 to 4. My guess is that your son might rate at a 3 or something, since he barely shows any signs. As such, it is entirely possible, that his family history would just have a bunch of 1s and 2s, meaning no discernible signs of autism in the family history.


So all that to say, dont panic. I can assure you that I am far more autistic then your son is, and I never got any special intervention. Yet I still turned out fine. I dont think your son will have any major problems, even if you dont send him to special sessions or anything like that.

I agree that the diagnosis is a bit early to be definitive. That having been said, if it is accurate, this doctor's attitude is IMHO irresponsible - learning to behave like others on the outside does nothing to change what's going on on the inside. 'Undetectable' - as if that were a solution to the whole problem - if the NT world can't see it, it's not a serious issue. The very act of having to pretend constantly to be like others when in fact you do not feel or perceive in the same way they do, only exacerbates an already naturally elevated stress level. To pretend that acting 24/7 is some sort of 'cure' is cruel. Flag anxiety, indeed.

I'm no parent, but I was a kid before this Dx showed up on the radar. From what I've been able to glean, I was also very mildly affected. I grew up as a regular kid and I'm glad.

5 1/2 hours of schooling at 3 1/2 is insane, IMHO. Let him be a kid, for pete's sake. The freedom and simple joy of discovering his world just as he is... don't separate him out and make him odd, different from all the other 3 1/2 YO.

I think you can probably teach him what he needs to know right there at home, in a fun play setting... role play social situations (grocery store, school, etc [kids automatically do that anyway]), teach him good manners and courtesy, and instill an appreciation of others views and feelings. Also, teach him how to handle fears and slights. These are skills every kid needs, Aspie kids just more so.

If you understand that the social interaction deficit will have the most impact on his life, then you'll be able to create a family life that gives him the skills he will need.

Raising a kid is a creative process, not an onerous assignment, which all that programming might well turn it into. Enjoy your son and his unique perspectives and gifts.

As far as a dog... yes, I agree with the posters warning against a puppy, but a grown, well-behaved dog would be a boon... you might check with various service organizations; they sometimes have dogs that have been trained to aid the disabled that don't make the final cut for some reason. I saw a seeing eye dog candidate that was washed out because, though he was thoroughly trained and a great dog, he got anxious in public! Another who couldn't resist chasing bunnies... ooops, not good for a seeing eye dog. But they were otherwise great dogs! So check with service dog organizations, and K-9 Search and Rescue... lots of those dogs don't make the final cut either (oooh, the bunnies, the damn bunnies).

Of course, if your son develops more severe symptoms, then I'd reconsider the special ed. But from what you've posted... let him be as normal as possible, just emphasize social skills and proper behavior at home.

Hi Simone-Blanchard

My son is 5 now and he was also diagnosed late. We were concerned at 3.5, we didnt get the official dx until he was 4. He is very mild also and it took us months of evaluating before he was officially dxed. First, I just want to say, there are so many myths about autism. Autistic kids can be VERY affectionate. My son is constantly asking for hugs and kisses. He tells me he loves me every day. However, if his grandfather picks him up or his father kisses him, he hates it. Affection has to be on his own terms and with the people he's most comfortable with, me and his sister. But it's a huge myth to say autistic people don't like to be hugged or kissed. My son also isn't fixed on one single topic. Everyone thinks autistic people should be obsessed with door hinges or ceiling fans, not true. My son likes Spongebob, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Wii, Diego, etc. He has a variety of interests which is appropriate for a 5 year old boy.

Some things that were concerning were his speech. They were repetitive and lacked emotions. I couldn't talk to him on the phone or asked him how his day was. He didn't think that was important, he rather ask me about something else that was on his mind. He didn't know how to play or talk with other kids. He had some fine motor delays. When he was younger, he didn't need routine because I was home all day with him and did whatever we wanted. Now that he has gotten older and we need to go to school and therapy, he NEEDS a routine, or he'll try to run the show and tell me when he should go. He never had sensory issues until he got older as well.

Long story short, I think his doc was right in dxing him with mild AS. He will not fit ALL of the categories of autism but if his development is falling behind other children because of these issues, there definitely needs to be intervention. When my son was dx, his neuro also recommended a full day class and extended school year combined with st/ot. When I called the school dept, I tried to fight for a full day class because I thought that was what he needed and of course the dr knew what was best for him. I am so happy they denied him for the full day class! The school dept had their own set of test and decided he was too high functioning to be in a full day class. See, the school dept does not want to spend loads of money on a kid with mild AS, so even if his dr recommends it, you don't need to do it. 5 hours a day for a week is very long and hard. My son also stayed home with me all day until he was 4. The school approved him for 2.5 hours a day for 5 days which is perfect for him. For the first week, he wouldnt even talk to me after school, he was so overwhelmed and tired over being in a class full of kids, he just shut down afterwards.

I also didn't get approved for extended school year for him like the dr recommended and i'm fine with that. I also turned down intensive home based therapy. We have a program here where people come to your house for 20 hours a week to work with your autistic child and the whole family on the struggles they have every day. NO THANKS. I really don't want anyone in my home for that long. It's a great program for a family who needs it but I think I can handle my son just fine for now. When puberty hits, who knows I might be knocking on their door lol. My point is, everyone has their opinion on how much therapy or schooling your child needs but you know what's best for him. Sometimes kids need that downtime, especially kids who also has anxiety.

Last edited by malya2006 on 20 Jul 2009, 2:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh I forgot, about the pregnancy, my son also used to sleep with us when we had our daughter. I am very fortunate that they love each other and they are best of friends. I tried to prepare him by talking to him about it but I ALWAYS made sure that he came first. The baby is a big part of our life but I made sure he still felt special. The baby was in her crib next to our bed and he was still sleeping with us. I tried to make things the same as much as possible. I would definitely not get a dog though, more work for you.