sexual curiosity in aspie

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would an aspie be as curious to talk about sex with friends? what about having boyfriends and such? My daughter is 11 and she seems afraid of her own shadow but has been accused of teaching her friend certain things about sex. Just wondering. My daughter is honest to a fault and we have asked her about it and we believe her. If anyone knows let me know

I take it your daughter denied being her little friend's Doctor Ruth.

Aspies are apt to be as curious as other children about sex, if not more so. The reason is, aspies lack certain faculties of understanding social behaviors such as dating and mating, so they can be aggressive about their inquiries into sex. They don't intuit and grasp things other children do, so they pursue analytical information about it as the only way to compensate.

Aspies have very little inherent notion of what psychologists term "social masks." Straightforward talk about sex can be a by-product, since young aspies wouldn't know that it's a taboo subject. It's a healthy urge to understand an area of behavior that the entire society seems absorbed in.

But you say your daughter has been "accused" of teaching things about sex? If she in fact did anything, it sounds like she has shared information, rather than behaved in a crude manner. Children do such things, especially ones with a profound social deficit like Asperger's.

You're daughter might need some gentle clarification about taboo subjects and behavior. After that, whoever "accused" your daughter needs to to have a strong talking-to about the predicament of a little person who has terrible difficulties relating to the society around her.

I had to explain sex to my daughter before I felt she was old enough because my neice began to give her info that I felt should come from my husband and I. By the way, my neice was 11 and she is NT, and was very stubborn at that time. When I asked her not to, I knew she would continue to do it anyways, or tell her little brother who would in turn tell my child. She was taking health class and how babies are born was the topic, and my neice couldn't wait to tell my daughter.........right there in front of me, she had the book and was showing her, I'm like "Rose what are you showing her?" Then I told her, "honey she's just a bit young for that information right now, please, I want to be the one to explain it to her."Of course she did spark my daughter's curiosity, so I went to the library and found a tasteful age appropriate book and went over it with her. And yep, my neice got into trouble, because my daughter told on her. She was just excited about what she learned and was telling whoever would listen. Kids do that, one of the boys I took care of had the same class, and when he decided to discuss it at dinner one of the older boys said,"Do you mind? We're eating here." Ahh kids.......gotta love 'em.

Wow how different. Our daughter doesn't speak a word about sex. She's had "the talk" with her Mom and at 15 has been through several years of health class by now but she's strangely quiet when it comes to anything sexual. Its not like, as parents, we're very conservative or anything but one thing thats puzzled her mom and I is how asexual our daughter is.

Has anyone else noticed anything like that in their AS child?

Thank goodness that I'm not alone in this!! !! !! !! !! !!!my daughter is exactly like that. It's worried me as a mother because I am thinking that when when she turns older that she is going to explode. she is 11 now and she shows no emotion towards anything. I have talked with her about sex (all age apropriate of course) but she is so quiet in this area. She was accused of saying some sexual things with her friends but I know her and she is so quet on this subject , my husband and I are also not very conservative when it comes to talking to our kids about this, we have a 9 yr. old who feels qute free in his questioning. Just know that your not alone out there concerning this, and I am so thankful I'm not either.

I was an aspie who was very quiet about sex. I remember when I was @12, the NT kids got a big kick out of saying I had said racy or inappropriate things. They seemed to know I couldn't or wouldn't defend myself from the accusations. From what you've said, your daughter may be getting the same treatment.

Its even deeper than just being "quiet" about sex. I'd categorize our 15 y.o. daughter as being asexual to nearly anti-sexual. Like many boys and girls with AS she doesn't pay much attention to her personal grooming, clothes, hair, makeup, jewerly (her mom has worked on all of those things though and we've seen great improvement in those areas) but our daughter goes out of her way to dress extremely conservatively. And I don't know where or who she gets that trait from so I'm wondering if its inherent to AS?

When she does wear a skirt she does not want to wear anything above the knee (she's slim and attractive). She won't wear any type of shirt that is even slightly low-cut. And when we're all sitting watching a movie or TV and anything comes on thats in the least bit sexual. Say people kissing or some type of light PG-13 semi-nudity she has a fairly extreme reaction and says thinks like "gross" "sick" or "disgusting".

I see where some poeple posted that their child made sexually inappropriate comments to other kids and maybe she is talking about sex with a couple of her friends.. I doubt it though. I'm just wondering if anyone else has seem behavior like this. I mean at 15 she should be having SOME thoughts about boys and sex. We see no sign of that though. Her mom and I are worried how she is ever going to meet a boy, go out on a date and have a successful relationship with someone if she feels this way about sex.

There are wonderful books out there to address sex with your aspie, My husband and I are going to have to walk Evangelina through some things. We were told that it's like teaching them how to read, or how to ride a bike, this kinda stuff comes naturally to kids that don't have asperger's . Evangelina is only 11 but I have watched other 11 yr old girls and they are very well groomed, bathed, hair combed, etc. Evangelina can bathe once a week and be fine with it. I have to remind her to bathe and to brush her teeth for that matter. I never heard of the term a sexual but that describes my kid to a T. I do worry about her ever meeting anyone too. She has the same reaction when she sees kissing on t.v. or movies, I think youve been more help to me than I to you. I'm sorry. On this site they have great resources of books on this sort of thing, I have purchased a few my self. Some times I wish there was a pill to fix this sort of thing

Man, this all sounds so hauntingly familiar. I still get uncomfortable watching love scenes in movies ... and I've acted in one! It's like it makes my skin crawl or something. I get self-conscious and tense.

I didn't pay attention to my grooming until I was about 12. Then I realized I needed to do something to survive in society. Here's what I did: I perfected a "look" with the help of girls I knew. Polls showed that young women liked me in men's collared shirts and jeans, with indoor soccer shoes or black dress shoes. So ... that's what I wear all the time. No need to think. Looks sharp, and I get a lot of approving glances.

From the reading I've done here, I've seen a lot more girls saying the asexual thing. A few guys, but more commonly girls. As for me, I seem to be far less focused on sex than most 25 y/o men.

The biggest thing for me is that I don't know quite what is appropriate to say when talking about sex.

I'm 22 years old and I have no interest in actually having sex myself (though I do want interpersonal relationships); sex, to me, is just another biological function. This is not necessarily typical of Aspies, though I think it is more common than among the general population.

I am often being accused of not being as "innocent" as others, because I may mention things in a matter-of-fact sort of way which others think of as taboo. Thankfully, I have mostly felt out the boundaries with this issue; but not before embarassing others quite a few times.

After giving a teenage Aspie the raw data about sex, one should also discuss which parts of it are appropriate to discuss in what company. There is, after all, a big difference between what will embarass one's best friend and what will shock your best friend's grandmother.

Sorry but thats the kind of thing we're hoping won't happen. That our daughter won't be able to successfully have a mature relationship of any sort when she gets older.
I mean how do you explain to a teenager that (on one hand) its inappropriate for boys [or girls] to touch you or kiss you -- BUT in certain situations, and to a certain point its Ok to do those things if you really like the boy ? I mean what if one day there's a boy who really likes her and tries to hold her hand? Will she start screaming at him to stop touching her? or will she know the difference?

Jerry and Mary Newport wrote a book for people on the spectrum. I believe that the title is Autism-Asperger Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond.

You can find it at:

http://www.amazon.com .

Or see if your local public library has an interlibrary loan program. The book might be appropriate/geared for older teens and young adults, though, say ages 17 and up.

Um how is deciding what your daughter's sexual preferences "ought" to be going to help her develop? More likely she'd realize she wasn't what you wanted her to be, go underground, and become even more ashamed of anything relating to sex. Or try to fake a role that doesn't resonate with her, while constantly making blunders because it was all logically mimicked instead of felt.

When I was 9-11, when they first start showing sex ed videos and all the kids are grossed out, I rebelled by acting fascinated and asking all sorts of blunt questions. This didn't cause any harm to me or the other kids. When I was 12-16 and the other girls started being interested in boys, I rebelled by refusing to participate, refusing to adopt any feminine traits. This also didn't cause any harm to me or the other kids. When I was 17 I fell deeply for a guy and was having sex in one form or another within months. This did cause considerable harm, because I couldn't keep up emotionally. I knew I was supposed to react, and I knew he got upset when I didn't react that way, so I quickly learned to fake it. And it wasn't about birth control or STD's, school had taught very well how to protect myself physically. But neither they nor my parents had taught anything about the emotional aspect of sex.

Five years and a year of therapy later, I got out of the relationship and am now exactly in Callista's position: asexual by choice. It's not permanent. But I have to let sexuality develop at a natural pace... which, considering my hypersensitivity (and I don't say that as an excuse, I hate it, but it's a fact I've got to accept) is much slower than others.

Please don't rush your daughter, NYnewbie.... I know it's hard, but better late than never.

While I appreciate your perspective pyraxis I'm not altogether sure that your approach for raising our teenage daughter with AS is appropriate. Here in the Parents Discussion forum most of us are mainly looking to share ideas and experiences for raising children with AS. I get the impression that your mainly saying we should have a hands off approach to her social development in the area of interpersonal (male/female) relationships? I think the hands off approach might leave my daughter even more confused and without the ability to have a healthy relationship. I totally agree with evangelina's comments that we've had to teach our child the most simplest of things and I'm just worried that I'm not sure how her mom and I will teach our daughter more complex things like interpersonal relationships.

pyraxis one thing that totally jumps out at me is that you didn't mention at all what your parents did to teach you, guide you or explain to you what a healthy relationship (male/female) is. You mentioned sex-ed in junior high, other teenage girls in high school, and what looks to be a failed relationship with a 17 y.o. boy but nothing about your parents. Please take this constructively but maybe thats why you've had such a hard time with relationships?

No clue what you mean by "appropriate"... I find it's one of those keywords people toss around when they don't like what's going on ... But I was also offering ideas and experiences about raising children with AS. Sure, I'm not a parent, but I figured it might be helpful to you to hear a perspective from the other side of the equation.

Fair point that my parents didn't teach me much of anything and that if I'd had a stronger pattern to imitate I might have done better. I was just wary because from your post I got the sense of unreasonable expectations. A lot of people on the spectrum here have been forced into doing things they're really not comfortable with, in the name of acting "normal", and I for one am kind of sensitive to seeing it happen to someone else. Plus the fact that refusing to have interest in sex can turn around overnight, given the right guy.

Pyraxis~i actually enjoy hearing the other side of the coin, so to speak.....NYNewbie~ as far as having your parents teach you about relationships and sex, well....my mom is a nurse, and i got no talk what-so-ever....i , too, relied on health class, and the knowledge of my friends to learn....
lots of people have grown up in dysfunctional families ~ some of us have learned to cope, some of us have not.....the issue should really be talking candidly to your child~aspie [/i]or[i] NT. get books if you need to...talk on a level that they'll understand...and if they turn out to be gay, straight, bi-sexual, trans-sexual, or asexual~deal with it ! who says that any of those folks can't be happy and lead productive lives ????