Needing professional help...

Post Reply New Topic

My partner and I are living with his 22 year old son who has yet to be diagnosed with Asperger's but presents with textbook symptoms. He is struggling to go to University but after taking a much reduced load actually dropped out after Xmas last year. He is home every summer but doesn't get a job or, for that matter, even leave the house for very long at a time. He has a twin brother (living with their mother) who presents with similar issues and they are their only friends. The twin has dropped out of university altogether and works at a local supermarket. He does well there but has the occasional melt-down and seems to be, right now, in a depressed state. The one who lives with us stays up, on the computer, until 6:30am and then sleeps until 4pm.
I am pushing to find someone who can help these boys cope with their situation as, I know, a cure is not an option. I think they would be much happier if they had some idea that they are not alone in this and that there are coping mechanisms that could be useful. They are so tormented and I feel so bad for them. The one who lives with us stayed up until 6:30 this morning but when I got up I found towers of cereal boxes, cracker boxes and cans of every kind on the counters and floor in the kitchen. He had emptied the cupboards, made the towers and (I think when he heard me get up) went to bed.
We live in a small town in Nova Scotia, Canada and would really appreciate any help in finding caring professionals to help us all cope. My partner tried to approach the other twin's doctor - psychologist - about Asperger's and she was very defensive and wouldn't even discuss the possibility! Why can't these people see we only want to help these poor young people? We are not out to question their training or whatever they might be afraid of?
Thanks to all for this great forum! Isn't technology wonderful?

Where do you live? Maybe someone from there coudl recommend a psychologist or other professional familiar with adult AS or a support group for Aspies. You could also contact your local parent support group (Autism Society of America, maybe?), and ask whether they know of any teens/young adults with AS you could introducew your stepsons to.

Unless you and your husband are willing and able to re-locate to the USA, you will not find any real services for this 22 year old in a small community
as Nova Scotia, Canada.

You also, need to set rules to live by for this 22 year old. He should not be allowed to be on the computer all night long until 6:30 AM and then, sleep
until 4PM. Since you live in Nova Scotia, Canada and do not have the kind of services he needs, I would recommend that you obtain books (library or purchased) written by Dr. Tony Attwood, Ph.D for the information and guidance you need. If you don't, your problems and challenges will continue to increase as this 22- year old grows older...and he reaches 30-40-50 years of age.

I never understood this type of reaction. There are some of us who do much better at night. I know if given the chance I would gladly stay up till 8 am, and sleep till 4 pm. In fact that is what I did during my summers in college when I only had night classes that started at 5 pm. Why does it offend people that my sleep schedule is so different? I sleep the same 8 hours as other people, why is my different period of sleeping so problematic?

Anyways, on to the advice section!

For starters, you will want to develop a plan. Sit down with your son and talk with him. Figure out what he wants to do with his life. You obviously dont need to pick out a wedding date right now, but getting a plan worked out will help greatly. For example, what type of career does he want? What sort of living situation does he want? Where does he want to live? etc. Basically, what you need to do is set out a list of goals.

Setting the goals is something you should put a bit of thought into. Pick something that is also attainable, and reasonable. But most importantly, make sure is something your son wants. You might want him to become a surgeon, but if he has no interest in that then he wont do well in college, and probably wont enjoy his career.

When looking at possible careers, you need to think through it thouroughly before you jump straight into college then discover you have a useless degree. For example, I know many students today who are going to college to get a degree in 'game design'. I dont mean to be a downer, but a quick search on monster.com (a popular job search engine) shows that when I search for 'game designer' I only get 30 jobs. Only one of those jobs is accepting entry level resumes. Conversely, if I type in my major (mechanical engineer) I get 2911 jobs, 107 of which are excepting entry level resumes. I am not trying to convince you that your son MUST be a mechanical engineer, but I am saying that you should make sure there is a market for his degree if he is going to college. I am sure you have heard the jokes about getting a degree in Art appreciation.

You also need to look into careers that match your son's personality. Generally, (not always, but mostly) aspies work best in fields like engineering, programming, IT, chemistry, or other technology and science related fields. These jobs dont often interact with the customer or the public directly, and you generally spend a lot of your time alone or in small groups of people you are familiar with figuring out solutions to problems. I know that engineering is a great career path for me. As odd as it seems, I do fine working as an engineer, but I would probably fail horribly if I tried to work at a fast food restaurant, or some other place like that. Simply put, being around that many people in that hectic of environment is just not good for me. Don't think your son is incapable of working if he doesnt do well in typical high school or college jobs that require a lot of interaction with the public. Your son needs to find a career path which he is interested in, and is something he will be good at.

Once you have your goals in mind, make a list of steps involved in attaining that goal. For example, if he wants to move out to the dorms for college, he will need to have some basic life skills. Things like doing the laundry, cooking, etc. If he has these skills already then your good. If not, then learning those skills should be on the list of steps. Likewise, learning how to schedule your tasks and make sure everything gets done should be on the list of steps. Basically, think about everything you will need to do in order to accomplish your goals, and list them all as steps along the way.

Next, look for problems that you can anticipate that would prevent you from getting the goals done. For example, does your son have a lot of stress? If so, try to find ways to reduce stress. Perhaps making a schedule of how and where to do things can help. If everything is organized and taken care of then it is easier to relax because you arent constantly worried about 'did I forget something important?'. Likewise, perhaps trying some stress reduction techniques would be useful. I personally suggest something called cognitive restructuring:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_restructuring
It is a technique used to overcome anxiety and I found it very useful myself, but that is a whole other post. Basically, find out what is holding him back, and figure out ways to fix it. Complaining, and wallowing in pity about not being able to do something doesnt help. Looking at it objectively, and looking for solutions to life's problems is much more effective at overcoming them.

As the saying goes, the journey of a 1000 miles begins with one foot step. Likewise, if you have a large amount of problems in you way, you need to work through them one by one by one. It would be nice to leap over all your problems and solve all your difficulties at once, but unfortunately there is no 1 coping strategy that fixes everything. You need to address your problems one by one. Go through this thing methodically and with your end goals in mind. Work on things that need to be worked on, and dont worry about unimportant things that dont contribute to attaining your goals. If you come across a problem which you cannot figure out, or would like some advice on, feel free to come here and post it and we will gladly give you some advice. The advice you will get here is a lot cheaper then a professional's advice, and to be honest, I think the people who are autistic, and have overcome life's challenges, will give you better information then some 'professional' who simply read about autism in a book.

And lastly, encourage your son to get on this forum and chat with others like him. He is 22 years old, and apparently computer literate. I think it would do him a lot of good to read about and talk to others like him. I know that getting on this web site has been a huge help for me in figuring out a lot of problems that I faced.