Separation Anxiety - Is it really?! !!

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Not sure about this one. My ds 4.5yrs has a very close bond with me. Loves cuddles and curling up beside me to watch a movie etc. I always speak softly to him, listen to him and show him unconditional love.

Sometimes when I am at work (work part time) he will go to the window, and look out crying calling for me. Or sometimes when I bring him to pre-school, he will cry when I am gone at the door.

At night he crys for me to come in beside him, or for him to come into my bed for a cuddle. This part of it causes problems, as it could go on several times during the night!!

I have put a picture of me beside his bed, which has helped. I have also created a visual schedule of me going to work and when I will be home, which has also helped. It doesnt take over, and he can function when I am not there, but he misses me. I have read that lack of seperation anxiety would normally be a 'red flag' for an ASD!! !!

So my question is this: Is it plain old fashioned seperation anxiety? Or is he just obsessed with me? Is it anxiety about something else altogether? or some other reason that I may not have thought of?

Maybe 'grown-up' AS people could tell me if you ever felt this way about your Mother (or anyone!!)? And maybe parents of AS children, have you encountered this before?

Apart from visual schedules (his language is still coming slowly), is there anything else I can do to help him with this?

Thanks so much guys xx

What I read on nldline.com is that people with NLD fixate on people as "anchors" because the environment is so confusing. I think the same thing is true with AS. He may simply be afraid of losing his bearings, and he knows you are a safe person.

After reading this, I contemplated myself and found that I have always done the same thing.

I have Asperger's... When I was a kid, my mom was my "safety net". I was able to manipulate her to do the things for me that I couldn't do, like social interaction when other people were around. When she left me at school or at a babysitters, I'd cry every time...it didn't wear off as fast as it would with normal kids...because when she wasn't there, I was forced to deal with things and other people on my own. When I was older and she left me somewhere, I would still get a separation anxiety feeling when she left, and then it would eventually wear off. Even NOW, at 28, I get that feeling when my fiance leaves for work...and then it wears off.

So I would assume your son is similar. You are his "safety net" because you understand him and help him with his shortcomings. Being away from you makes him feel vulnerable to the rest of the world.

Thanks so much for your replies. I thought that may be the answer, and I feel a bit saddened by that.

Please excuse my ignorance on the feelings of people with AS, but does this mean that he doesn't miss me........... for me?

Is a 'safe' person someone you love dearly, or just someone who happens to look after you, and you know a long time? (or is there a difference?, I'm confusing myself now)

To help him past this, do I spend more time with him to make him feel more secure? or more time away from him, for him to learn the stratagies to cope with the seperation better?

Most of the time he is okay if I am not around, but sometimes gets sad or upset, not really anxious, when I am not there. Thanks so much for taking the time xx

I think it's because he loves and trusts you. If he cried when you came to get him that would be bad.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you too. Like I said, sometimes I feel this way towards my fiance too...but I did not fall in love with him because he started "taking care of me" when we met. I fell in love with him because of the normal reasons you fall in love, and then later, luckily for me, he was ok with my shortcomings and willing to be my anchor.

I never had the best relationship with my mom, but I do love her. She didn't know I had AS...in fact I just found out this year...so we had a lot of misunderstandings. I think it is a combination of what you suggested. Yes, I felt 'safe' with my mom because I knew her well, but isn't feeling safe with someone part of love too?

FD, my AS son was and is much like your son. At 12 he is still adorably affectionate (more like a crushing cuddle monster, however, than anything sweet) while other boys are mostly moving on. He's only like that with me. I know that he loves me more than anyone else; I just know. Even as he is acquiring independence. Him and I can exhange glances and know what the other is thinking. About certain things, anyway; others are more confusing to him because, well, he IS AS.

Who knows what an NT child's reasons for separation anxiety are, either? My daughter has gotten far more clingy over the years even though she started as a wonderfully independent baby. My son has been more consistent in his need. He may increase and decrease depending on the changes around him and his level of security with them, but he doesn't flip 180 like my daughter can (probably more a mom-daughter thing on that).

What I know is that when I honor my son's needs in this area, he thrives. When I push too hard against them, it makes things worse. The reason for his need isn't something I've given a lot of thought to; as a mom, I give him what he needs because that is my job.

I had to post because my daughter is the same as the op's child. My daughter is EXTREMELY attached and it is very painful for her to separate from me at all. School is painful, every morning they pry her fingers from around my neck or legs while she tantrums. I have tried many different techniques of easing the separation, none with any success. My daughter is starting kinder in 3 weeks and I am concerned about this. My daughter will start to "obsess" about the impending separation each morning and will cry, beg, and use any bargaining technique possible to prevent the separation. She was treated previously with antidepressant which did not help.

Those with experience with this, will this eventually subside? Am I, as the attached "anchor" doing anything to encourage this? What can I do to ease her anxiety? She has almost debilitating social anxiety however, with me and other family members where she feels "safe" she is ok.

thanks. this is my first post, I just found this forum.

Welcome!

As she gains confidence in herself and her surroundings, it should subside. But when I look back, with my son, the times he had the most tears were also the times it eventually turned out I was putting him into situations that were actually damaging for him. I hate telling you that, because half the battle with separation anxiety is being confident yourself, that your child will be fine after you've gone.

So.

Consider very hard the situations you are asking your child to confront. Know that many school settings are inherently stressful for children with ASD's. Noise levels, visual stimulation, and the presense of a large number of (to the ASD child) unpredictable and incomprehensible children. Some ASD children can find ways to adapt and cope; others cannot (in which case homeschooling is the best option).

If you can get comfortable your child is capable of dealing with the situation, and that the adults are observant and sensitive to your unique child's needs, then leave your child understanding you've done your best, and exhibit that confidence as you leave. Eventually she should adapt to the situation and have less tears.

If she doesn't adapt, look again. What are you missing? Are her abilities to cope less than you assumed they were, or is there stress in the situation that you missed?

I will tell you with confidence that every child can and should be relatively content with learning / schooling. If they are not, then there is a missmatch in placement. One of my biggest regrets is that I left my son in a preschool he hated because I was unable, at the time, to see other options. Once he started kindergarten, a new school, it was night and day. Did issues still occur? Yes. But everything about it was different. His reaction, the school's reaction, everything. It became so clear to me that all the tears in the preschool years had been the fault of the school. Not him, not me.

Is he still a clingy child? Yes, more so than others his age, anyway. But he is acquiring independence, in his own time, in his own way. He is now 12 and while he has never slept over at a friend's house, he has gone off for full weeks of outdoor camps without us.

While all children will shed a tear or two saying good-bye, usually in the hopes of getting the parent to stay a little longer, there is real message coming from a child that goes beyond the norm with this. I don't have a formula for seeing the difference; its going to be instinct. And research, making sure you've eliminated all possibilities for induced stress. When you take the stress away, your child will thrive, and act as any developing and growing child will. When the stress remains undiscovered, your child will cling. Ultimately, with an ASD child, I would err on the side of caution and honor their discomfort by doing everything you can to ease it (by fixing the environment). I know my son really, really needs me to do that. I push a little, yes, but I don't force.

And I still wish I could change the preschool years that were far too hard on him.

DW,

Your response is what I feared. Usually, when my daughter has acted out with her behavior is is because she is asking for help in the only way she knows how. However, my options are limited because I am a single mother and I already am only able to work part time due to my daughter's struggles. I must work. I've tried several different placements for her during the day. Unfortunately, I live in a small town without a "special needs" placement available. Last year she was in a private montessori type school but she had the same separation issues there (along with other issues not related to this topic). My daughter is extremely uncomfortable in a setting with several kids because of the chaos level. You're right-it's the noise, the unpredictability, etc. But I am at a loss on how to alleviate these issues???

She is currently at a "day camp" where I have notified them of her Asperger's but they are not knowledgable about the syndrome and therefore do not take the measures to deal with her issues effectively. They've basically approached me as if SHE is the one who needs to adapt to their conditions or they cannot have her there. They have told me she acclimates fairly quickly after I leave but she complains about their treatment of her while she's there. I've thought this was her attempt to get me to pull her out but she doesn't do well with change so I've kept her in to avoid yet another new experience that would stress her.

I am hoping with the start of a new school year and her entering public school, they will be better about accommodating her insecurities and sensitivities through the IEP. I haven't yet started that process with them because they told me to wait til the school year starts so that they can test her but that's a whole other topic.

Thanks so much for your reply, I am glad I found this forum!

I was thinking about this and something I've done with my younger child is I always try and tell him alittle of what they will be doing that day and how it's going to be fun. Like if it's art day todays tuesday and tuesday is art day, I know your going to make something really cool. ect Even if I've just packed him a extra cookie in his lunch bag and thats all I can think of that morning I tell him about it. I also tell him that I'll be home after school with him and we'll have fun, making dinner or having your bath time what ever comes to mind that I know we'll be doing that night. It also seems to help when I put him on the bus to tell him that I'll be there in the afternoon and I'm looking forward to seeing him and hearing about his super fun day. It's silly but it lets him know I'll be there when he gets home and it's ok to have fun with out mom.

It sounds like you'll have to rely on the little tricks CRD mentioned. They do help. And look really, really hard at your options if the public school turns out not to be working well. If you have to move, you have to move.

The whole thing with change. That was one large reason I didn't move my son from the preschool at the first sign of trouble. I had one window and only one, and I let it go by thinking that change was worse. Looking backwards, I wish I had grabbed the window. I never even gave it serious thought. But once he had such negative associations with that place, they could have done a 180 and become a wonderful place for him and he still would have been stressed by going there. Sometimes change is necessary and positive.

Summer day camps are a very mixed bag. My AS son has, overall, done extremely well with them. But these aren't professionals. Either they instinctively get him, and the environment naturally fits him, or they don't and it doesn't. We've learned over time to choose the more costly and educational ones. Both my kids (one NT and one AS) actually prefer these to the "play" oriented camps. I think its the structure they like. And the fact that the more educational a camp is, the more likely it is to have experienced adult teachers, instead of teen counselors. Science Adventures, Boy Scouts, Shakespear (really, lol) etc. have all been camps my AS son really enjoyed.

Good luck. Its tough when your hands are tied and you can't just pull her out, period. But if you have to pay more to get a better situation, DO it. To the extent you possibly can. Nannies, home environments, etc are all options.