Daughter and Older Guy

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I know I hardly post here so you won't remember me. A few months ago I was worried about my 18-year-old daughter who befriended a 50+ guy at a Christmas party. I described a few encounters between him and her. She just turned 19 a few weeks ago and I'm afraid that our situation has made a turn for the worst.

I found out that Steve has been away at a Music festival for high school and college students. The festival takes place in a university, and he has been sleeping in a dorm there. My daughter found out that he would be doing a recital and decided to come. At the time our family was on vacation in Atlantic city. She left the condo at 6 AM and took several hours of public transportation to get there. She brought the camera to film the recital. Afterwards, my daughter says that she and Steve them talked to each other while walking around campus. So far nothing seriously bad happened.

Apparently it must've taken her a long time to get back there because she didn't get to Atlantic City until 4 AM. My husband and I were worried sick and filed a missing persons report after midnight. Somehow they were able to ping the here cellphone and they found out that she had gone to see Steve's performance. The Atlantic City cops contacted campus security at the college where Steve was staying. They even searched his room at 3 AM to make sure she wasn't there. She wasn't, but they did ask him some pretty embarassing questions, like did they have a relationship, was there any sexuality between them? He said that no, he and my daughter were just friends.

Steve works in a college so his students are over 18. However, during the summer he participates in music festivals that involve younger kids. In the US, people who work with children must have background checks to make sure they aren't predators. Even though she is 19, this incident has still caused him to be labeled a potential sexual predator. He e-mailed me and said he is worried that there might be a red flag on him. Then there is the issue of his job. As I mentioned earlier, he is a university instructor. Many universities ban student-teacher relationships even if the student is a legal adult. He says everything with my daughter is platonic, but if anyone even suspects a relationship, he could be in trouble.

I have talked to her about this. I told her that for the next few months she should avoid going to his concerts. She shouldn't have too much contact with him until this situation boils over. However, I am still worried about what will happen to this guy, now that he has been involved in a missing persons report.

I understand your concern but what I what I'm curious about is what the big deal when they are both legal adults? Are they both aspies? If you think there is a problem, maybe all fathers everywhere should be identified as predators.

So, because you don't like that your daughter has befriended an older man you had the police search his room and potentially imperil his job/employment?

Your daughter is a legal adult. If she is having a romantic relationship with this gentleman, that's a decision she can legally make on her own. Steve could potentially sue you for harassment and, if he were to lose his job over this, defamation.

This seems to be more of an issue between you and your daughter, rather than anything really involving this man. She's an adult and trying to do her own thing. If she's living with you, you need to set some rules, and if she's not willing to abide by them, you might need to find another plan.

I can't judge on the age difference. I married a man 19 years older than me when I was 18. 13 years and two kids later, we're still quite happy together!

Your a horrible person.

Do better next time.

And try worrying about the guy because you just labeled him a sexual predator because your daughter decided to go see his recital. Then decided to walk and talk with him in a flirtatious manner for hours and not answer her phone or call you.

I'm well aware that parenting comes with a great deal of power, and it's one of the best parts of being a parent. But your daughter is a legal adult, which limits the power you have over her, at least in the eyes of the law. (I'm not familiar with your family dynamics, so I won't get into that.) That means you have little choice but to let her pick her own friends. I actually died a little on the inside typing this, because even preteens are allowed to do that. The worst thing is that you put an innocent man's career and reputation in danger, all because your brain fabricated an irrational fear about your daughter, who's a legal adult, by the way. If I were that older guy, I'd probably never talk to another 18-year-old for the rest of my life.

I actually encourage that you contact a lawyer and ask if there are any laws on the books regarding an 18-year-old being friends with a 50-year-old. Really, do that. Some lawyers have free consultations, so why not? And the "we care about our daughter" statement won't cut it, because we on WP heard it so many times, we're wise to the fact that a way of holding on to the power you've gotten used to having.

I'm a mom, too, and I really wanted to be outraged on your behalf, but... nope, sorry, can't do it. Your daughter is an adult and as such has the right to see whoever she wants, whether you approve or not. She should have had the courtesy to leave you a note, however, and tell you where she'd gone, especially since you were in an unfamiliar town.

I'm rather surprised that you were allowed to file a missing person's report so quickly. Usually, when the missing person is an adult they have to have been out of contact for at least 24 hours.

I think a few of you are missing something. The mom didn't know where the daughter had gone, only that she didn't arrive at a place she had planned to be by the time she was expected. And they were all on vacation together in a strange city, which increases the worry factor. Adult or no adult, when you expect someone by a certain time and they don't get there, you worry. So, they pursued that. They were WORRIED. Not because she is a child they want power over, but because she wasn't where they expected her to be when they expected her to be there. Don't we WANT people to be concerned like that for us?

As for the sexual predetor connections, it sounds like it wasn't the mom that leaped to them, but the police. The mom didn't know where the daughter was; she didn't know the daughter had gone to see the performance. She didn't know "Steve" was involved. She only knew the daughter wasn't where she was supposed to be. It is the man that is now worried he is labeled, based on the questions the police were asking him. No where in the post does it say that the parents suggested such a tact; it seems to have arisen from the cell ping. I am sure it was all innocent on all sides, but when you have a young adult that can be quite naive about the way the world works, you worry about trouble sprouting up from innocent situations, and THAT is the worry I read from the parents, that the daughter is innocently wreaking havoc in other people's lives. Parent's don't stop worrying about such things just because the child has reached a magic age.

As for that worry, to the OP, I don't know how much you can do. Encourage her to keep you informed of her plans, keep the lines of communication open, so that you can advise her about how things might look to others. She can, of course, make her own decisions, but you know her best, and it does sound like there are workings of the world that she remains unaware of. You shouldn't hide them from her; she needs to know what all went down and why, and you need to discuss together strategies for keeping such things from happening in the future. Clarify the roles you play in each other lives, as well. If she is still financially dependent upon you, you do have some say, and sorry to the posters who will disapprove of my saying that, but it was true when I was a college student, and I completely understood why even back then. Most young adults don't have an issue with it, and most parents don't abuse the concept. It's just understood.

Sounds like Steve ought to arrange a restraining order against you and your daughter, since you seem to be unthinkingly bent on risking his ability to live, because of innuendo and suspicion.

With This issue even though I am not a mom, but I would still be concerned anyway. With my Asperger's I talk very intelligent, but am also social naive. Because I talk very intelligently, a lot of older people are the only ones who would enjoy such conversations. The ones my age or younger do not want anything with me. Ironically, even thought I am also emotional and socially immature, but talk like an intellectual, people my age either think I am too immature or too much of a boring intellectual and do not want anything with me. When I do talk intellectually, the only one who are willing to listen are the older people(over 40 or so). Even though I can be socially and emotionally immature, but unfortunately there are a lot of Older Men out there who love these traits. At the same time they can have conversations with me, but because I am emotionally immature, it is easy for them to want to take advantage me and they end up wanting more than a friendship.
Just recently, I started to take the bus on my own and I love to talk. When I talk it is in an intellectual way and the only ones who do talk to me are older people. Well, I talked to a guy who was probably in his 50's, who though I was so cool and smart that he wanted to be my friend. I ended up giving him my cell phone number. When he called it, He wanted to date me and came on to strong. I had to change my cell phone number and when I did see him again on the bus, I told him that I lived in a strict group home and my staff found out. It turns out he was a "junkie' who was probably one of those people who hit on young pretty girls.
The bottom line is that it is a very scary situation and I agree with the mom to be concerned. Being the "girl" in question, I felt scared and did not want that kind of compainionship.

I cannot blame the parents for being worried coming home and finding there daughter gone, being unable to get her on the phone and finding no note. The cops reacted they way they did and so did the parents because of the world we live in asspie or not the world is not a safe place for a 19 year old woman or really any woman. In my family we all check in with each other weekly my to first make sure nothing has happened. I'm 32 and if I left my home for the night I'd tell someone were I was going and when I'd be home not because I'm not an adult but because I would not want to cause that kind of worry for my love ones and I'd expext the same from them.
For the parents wrighting a letter explaining what happened to the school might help. Even a letter from the young women in question might be helpful.

I agree that we can be very naive. Looking back on it, I was frighteningly young at eighteen, too. I never realized just how immature I was until my own daughter reached that age and was so much more together than I had been. And yet, I was married and running a household at the age of the OP's daughter. Maybe not very well, maybe my husband -- who had no idea what he was getting into -- had to teach me how to do basic housework and household management, and maybe I wasn't the most receptive of students, but I was doing it and I learned and grew from the experience.

The point is, that at some point we as parents have to agree to back off and let our kids learn on their own. It can be painful to watch them make mistakes, but that is the only way they're going to grow in maturity. I've always let my own daughter have as much as I thought she could handle, and, yes, I went through the psycho-mom phase just like everyone else, but once she hit eighteen, I backed off of it. Now, I'll help her if she asks, but I can't just butt into her life anymore. No, that doesn't stop me from worrying about her if I think she's making a mistake, but that's part of the package.

As I said before, this does not excuse the daughter from not letting her parents know where she was going or where she was while she was visiting, nor does it excuse her for refusing to answer their calls, but that should be the extent of their discussion. Her parents have already voiced their concerns about her friend and that's the limit of what they can reasonably do at this point. Their daughter is no longer a child, but a young woman and it is in her best interests for her parents accept that fact and allow her to mature on her own.