How 10yo AS son deals with news of move

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Well, my husband and I had to sit down with our 10 yo son who has AS and tell him that we'll be moving 650 miles to a new state. The move is unavoidable, otherwise I wouldn't put him through this kind of upheaval. He cried (which is unusual for him, he rarely shows emotion) for a few minutes then immediately shut off and said "i'm hungry - when's dinner?". I was totally baffled. I know he has a tendancy to internalize and I am sure he'll do some of that with this change. But I just don't know if I should push him to talk to me about it - his fears, uncertainty, anger..whatever he's feeling. Or if I should just let him process the information in his own way. He prefers routine, but can adapt to change amazingly, so it's hard to tell how this will play out. But what to do in the meantime?

My 12 daughter w/out AS puts every emotion out on her sleeve so I know how to deal with it (even if the drama queen role gets tiresome, at times), but with my son I just don't know how hard to push, or if I should be pushing him to open up about his feelings at all.....

I think it's best to talk with him about it. It's even possible that he might truly not care. When I was his age, I was teased at school. Moving to a new location might have sounded like a good idea to me. It's possible I wouldn't have cared either way.

I was 11 when I moved from my home of 6 yrs to go clear across the country. I had a lot of diffrent feelings about it. I would miss my friends a lot, but, being in the military, I had gotten used to friends moving away. I was terribly excited, and nervous. I loved the thought of moving sumwhere new, but dreaded having to meet new people and go to a place I wasn't familur with. I think moving again at 13 was even harder though, as I loved my new home.

It shouldnt hurt too much to just cassualy ask how your sons feeling about the move. He's probbly feeling as many diffrent emotions as I was. If he really dosnt want to talk about it, then dont push it..he'll work thru it on his own. Watch his reaction to things when you get to your new home, and see how well he's adjusting. If theres problems, then you can try to talk again. Just letting him know your there for him if he needs you might be the best you can do.

Hmmm. Hard to tell how he will take it until it happens. I had a very hard time with a few of the moves in my childhood years, and I still hate moving. It disrupts everything and nothing seems secure or familiar for a long time. One move in particular was so hard fo rme that I didn't come out of my room except to eat for weeks. I don't think I even unpacked. I just holed up in that room and obsessed over the injustice of the move and how much I hated my parents for doing it to me, and possible ways to go back to the old place without them (which weren't realistic).

It's hard to tell. He may have internalized it, but it's just as likely he could be completely over it. Until the move actually happens, at least.

Best advice I can offer is to let him know that you are more than willing to talk about the move, answer any questions he may have, etc. But do not keep bringing it up--that might annoy him into shutting you out completely.

If he does show concern about it, one thing that might help put him at ease is to explain everything that will be happening in detail-- the exact date when you'll be moving, whether you'll be hiring movers or doing it yourself, the process involved with getting him out of his existing school and into the new one, and so on. We aspies like to have a detailed understanding of those kinds of situations. Also, getting him involved and giving him some responsibilities (packing up his room, for instance) might help him be more excited and optimistic.

"If he does show concern about it, one thing that might help put him at ease is to explain everything that will be happening in detail-- the exact date when you'll be moving, whether you'll be hiring movers or doing it yourself, the process involved with getting him out of his existing school and into the new one, and so on. We aspies like to have a detailed understanding of those kinds of situations. Also, getting him involved and giving him some responsibilities (packing up his room, for instance) might help him be more excited and optimistic."

That is soooo like my Aspie. Later that evening he began asking questions, like what exact date, what about school, will they have Nickelodeon up there (high priority for him!). He usually adjusts much easier when he has exacts - no approximates. So I agree, I think that will help him.

Some of the other posts also brought up something I had been wondering - whether he was really that upset about it, after the initial shock wore off. Because he's such a loner and doesnt' have any super close friends (just aquaintances, really) he's not having to be torn from friends. He's just having to leave the same town/people/routine he's known his entire life. I think that's the issue.

Thanks so much for everyone's input - it's informative and comforting!

I normally take a little while to process certain things, and in this time, I go very quiet. People know there is something wrong when I don't talk much, even if I don't tell them there is anything, but then I wouldn't tell them something's wrong because I don't know how to put it into words. I think it's important not to pressure him into talking about what he's feeling, as he may not have worked it out yet. But it will probably make him feel better if he knows that he can, once he's ready.[/b]

The first move I made actually wasn't hard for me at first, but became hard afterwards. When we moved, some promises were made of how life in our new neighborhood would be and I actually looked forward to it. Some of the things promised were actually there and it wasn't bad, but then it slowly went back to the way it was at the old house. The hardest part wasn't the move itself, but the broken promises about how much better things would be than before.

Some parents will try to make a change easier by making all kinds of promises they have no intention of keeping. All that does is create more problems when the expectations don't pan out.

Just my experience.

Just something I noticed: if you replace the word "parents" with "politicians", it would still hold true.

Please don't turn this into a political debate thread. I only said it as a joke.

If he's anything like I was, I would have screamed to death about the change, but then would be quickly distracted by something else. I don't think I ever let worries linger at that age. I moved house when I was young too - I didn't like it, until I discovered my new room.. 'my' room. It was uber.

Understood, so I'll keep on topic.

When I was growing up, we lived in one house for most of the first several years of my life. I'm not sure I want to go into the reasons why, but my sister and I were very restricted on going out of the house. I was never around children outside of the family until I was 6 years old and went to school for the first time. We rarely rode our bikes around the neighborhood and even when we did, it was only for a short time. Not being able to go out didn't seem to bother her much, but it did me.

When my parents decided to sell the house, my mother made all these promises of how we'd be able to go outside and ride our bikes and enjoy the fresh air, be able to play with neighborhood kids, and how everything would be great. When we did move, we were allowed this briefly, but then slowly, new rules were put in place, then we were on lockdown again. Part of it was because they started feuding with neighbors, and others were they didn't like some kids in the neighborhood. Not being able to go out didn't bother my sister, but again, it bothered me. This was eventually relaxed again, with pretty much the only restriction being no associating with kids in the neighborhood.

I worked hard to adjust to our new home and neighborhood and it really bothered me all that trouble was for nothing, as we basically ended up back where we started. All the things that were promised were basically not delivered, which is what bothered me more than did the restrictions placed on me. This wouldn't be the first time my parents, mother especially, didn't keep their promises or blatantly lied to me to get what they wanted.

if at all possible, can you visit the new town and take photos of places that are similiar ? for instance, take a photo of the local McDonalds ( that is , if he likes McD's), take a photo of the library, school etc......if you can't physically visit the new location, can you visit via the web ? maybe looking at photos of the new place and some fun things to do would help him have something to look forward to.

In addition to photos, you can also show him the new neighborhood through Google Maps (maps.google.com); all you need for that is your future address. You can point out your new house, the library, his new school, etc.

Good luck.

Funny, my wife said something similar to that once when I told her how many times in my life I have moved. I'm 37 and have moved a total of 9 times in my life. She spent her whole childhood in the same house, while I lived in 3 different houses in the same community by the time I was 18. She also lived a big part of her adult life in her parents' home, while I often lived on my own in one apartment after another. Having my own place, my own life meant alot to me, so I did what I had to do.

The reason I didn't rebel against it like my wife said she would have was before the moves, my parents, my mother especially, made all kinds of claims of how wonderful life was going to be in the new place, how all sorts of new things were going to be opened up for me, etc. I made the mistake of believing them twice, once when I was around 8 or 9 or so, and another when I was 18.

I guess these major disappointments prepared me for the biggest disappointment of all, life.

You know, life doesn't have to be a bummer. YOU get to choose how you want it, ya know.

True, but for us, what we conclude should work rarely does. NT society doesn't work by rational, logical rules as I've discovered. Life isn't a problem where you can plug a bunch of things into an equation and get the correct answer, or any answer for that matter.

My life has pretty much been a list of broken promises and broken dreams. Nothing really seems to pan out for me no matter what I do. I just don't think like an NT I guess.