Advice needed: A Friend's Child

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Okay.. I think most of you know now. I have two kids on the spectrum and have AS as well..

Over the summer, I've been watching my friend's son while she's finishing up classes to get her degree. For most everything, the child is NT. He understands things well and follows directions as well as any other 18 mo old. He walks well, and his gross and fine motor are on target. But I have noticed a HUGE gap between his receptive language and his expressive language. He's coming up to 20 mos old and still only says 5 words. And honestly, that 5th word is a stretch and not reproducible.

From all I know from my own kids and relooking at development criteria.. He's supposed to be saying at least 10-20 words. For 15 mos, he should at least be saying 3-5 words OTHER THAN mama and dada.. Mama and Dada are part of the 5 words I have counted. I started out wanting to show her how ahead he was developmentally. Because by all other measures, he's ahead of where he's supposed to be.. But I've been writing down his words for 2 mos now and they have not gone past that 5 word mark.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want her thinking I'm looking for something to be wrong. I also think it's something that can be helped with simple coaching of his parents and getting him around typical peers now as he's quite social. But I know these problems can grow quite quickly if not addressed immediately. And with as much as I've been trying to get him to say more, he's just not doing so. What words I've successfully taught him are totally lost by the time he comes back the next week.

So.. Ideas? Suggestions?

Is this little boy an only child or does he have older siblings? I remember my mother saying it wasn't unusual for the youngest child in a family to speak late because the older children, and the parents, anticipated their needs and desires and gave them what they wanted and needed before they had to ask for it.

How does this little boy communicate? Is he pointing and gesturing to get his message across?

Developmental milestones are only a guide, and are, I think, based on averages, so it could be that he is still within the "normal" range for expressive speech. However, as you say, it could also be an early indication of a difficulty he has which would benefit from being addressed sooner rather than later.

I assume your friend hasn't expressed any concerns about her son's speech or lack of it. I think you should mention it to her, and maybe suggest that she discuss it with her Health Visitor or whichever is the most accessible health professional wherever you live. Say that it's probably nothing, but that it does seem to be out of step with the rest of his development and it may be worth having an informal chat with someone.

My son was speaking in full, complex sentences at that age, but he was pretty advanced in terms of speech so it's harder for me to judge how much of a problem a lack of speech is at that age.

Maybe you could raise your concerns during a conversation about what he was doing while he was with you. Talk about positive or amusing or adorable things he's been doing, then casually mention the lack of speech, almost as an aside. That would hopefully make it look less like you are looking for a problem, and maybe get her thinking about it herself.

He knows some basic signs to get his point across, but does very little pointing. He says "more" with his hands for anything he wants, but can't tell you what he wants more of. And his wants are basic needs, and have very little to do with just basic wants. He's also an only child who has never been around typically developing peers. I know that has a LOT to do with it, but also think it's something that should be addressed before it becomes a problem.

I'm honestly afraid to bring it up because she thinks he's developed some behaviors from my kids. He's showing frustration which he didn't used to do.. But going by milestone guidelines, he's supposed to start showing frustration right about now. I don't know how much of that is being around my boys, or being around kids in particular, or just his age and development. So I think she may attribute the lack of speech to being around my boys as well as she's more than aware of their Autism.

Hrm..

If it is only expressive language and not receptive that is wonderful! He may just have an articulation disorder and he just doesn't know how to move his mouth. This is something common for kids and you can reassure that with her.

I don't know where you are, but if you are in the states maybe you can suggest having her child evaluated by a speech therapist and an OT through the county for free. If she goes for an evaluation and her child tests fine then a speech issue could be "ruled out". All she will lose is time. You can tell her it's not that you believe there is something wrong, but because of your children you are sensitive to any kind of delay at all and you are just suggesting that she be cautious. It may be imitation behavior, but why not find out for sure?

Having a speech impaired child myself and knowing how "key" early intervention is and how I should have taken my son earlier, I would find a way to bring it up. It's important.

Good Luck! I hope everything turns out fine for her and her child.

Last edited by MommyJones on 30 Jul 2009, 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

My cousin has twin girls who were later to speak than their male cousin of the same age. They live abroad and aren't in nursery so have no contact with other children. They're about 3.5 years old now and speaking normally.

I'm going to be speaking to my mother in a wee while, so I'll ask her about the twins' speech. I know that my mother was a little concerned that they were late, but put it down to lack of contact with other children, or adults for that matter.

It's unfortunate that she thinks he's picking up behaviours from your children, and pretty inaccurate as well.

You're right about the frustration - he's entering the "terrible twos" stage now, so frustration and tantrums are going to be a part of who he is for the next year or so anyway. If he can't express himself verbally, then he will probably be even more frustrated and has to express himself physically.

Talk to the parent about your own experiences and separately... in an entirely separate discussion so that they won't link the two.... when they're complaining about their child.... tell them that you're there for them if ever they want to talk.

Leave it at that...

It will get picked up sooner or later and the parents will probably hate whomever picks it up.

18 months is way too young for first time parents to discover aspergers. 5 is a better age. They'll be in a better place and more willing to listen by then.

...and it really won't impact the child during those first few years.

That is so very true. It was at my youngests 18month health check with the Maternal and Child Health Nurse that I first heard the word 'Autism' applied to my child. We never saw that health nurse again.

Now, 2 years later, if I could find her I'd probably go and say 'thank you' because it got us on the right track and she was diagnosed at 2yo HFA.

But at the time and for months later I hated that nurse, a person I only knew for about 15 minutes.

Heidi is the same person after the diagnosis as she was before but it took me time to accept that and change my thinking.

I'm very aware of that when I talk to other parents who have concerns about their childrens development and tend to recommend they discuss it with a professional and that I will be there to give the parent support whatever they need.