A really silly question. Some opinions needed.

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Hi all, I have a silly question and I would love some other opinions.

I have a 10 yr old son (AS,GAD,ADHD,OCD,TOURETTES) he also has a couple of other medical issues (nothing anyone could see by looking at him), but the results of his other medical issues mean he has troubles in the bathroom sometimes and will sometimes call out for assistance/reasurance.

Anyway we were at a park yesterday and J (my son) needed to use the bathroom. We had 3 options, the ladies, the mens or the disabled. He is getting way to old for the ladies (some woman give him funny looks in shopping centres when I have made him use their toilets) its not like he can see anything anyway. He is very easily led/manipulated etc (has in the past approached strangers) so I am a paranoid mum about sending him into the mens toilets without supervision. So I sent him into the disabled toilets. At the time no one was around, then a man approached the bathroom with an old lady in a wheelchair. I felt bad. I knew when my son came out, I was getting funny looks.

My question is (actually I have 2) What would you do in my situation? and Are those toilets only for people in a wheel chair or physically disabled people?

I have had trouble before when my AS son was at that in between age. A handicapped separate bathroom is not always available so I would send him to the Men's and then stand outside and worry. My son does not have the severity of problems that yours does though. I would open the door and call in if it seemed to take too long.

First you were in a no-win situation and I'd have probably done the same thing. In the US I don't think there is any set definition of what handicapped means except for parking spaces and most restrooms aren't designated handicapped but public and commercial restrooms must have at least one stall that is wheelchair accessible. In my area the mall and Walmarts ( national chain super-store) has a separate Family restroom in addition to the more typical men's and women's restrooms, these prevent many such situations here.

despite the funny looks i would continue to use ladies or disabled ones. even i sometimes use the disabled ones.

Interesting dilemma. At some point he's going to have to learn how to use a men's public toilet on his own and, given that he's 10, sooner would be better than later. If I was in your situation and fearful about him being by himself in the men's room I would have sent him into the disabled restroom and just smiled politely at the people who were waiting. But I would also teach him the "public restroom routine" at home as soon as possible so you can both be more comfortable with the situation in the future. Hope this helps

PS: Not a silly question, especially when your child's wellfare is at stake.

I agree, not a silly question at all.


Although, it would seem that there is a need to explain the fact that all strangers are not to be trusted unless Mum ok's that person (face to face), perhaps with an agreed 'password' if an unknown adult has to pick him up. I don't know for sure what to say. Though, until you think he's able to understand this, I'd suggest to continue with using the disabled toilet.

Well, in your situation I would have done the same thing and send him into the handicap bathroom. If there was somebody in a wheelchair waiting, then that would be different, but as it was unoccupied I see no problem with that.

The problem more so is what to do if there is no handicap or family bathroom available. 10 years is a bit old to still use the women's restroom. Granted that is a purely social construct, but the problem with violating social conventions is that other people may think poorly of you, which could lead to substandard treatment. For example, what if a child in your son's class saw him using the women's restroom? That would make him the laughing stock of his class. So, while there is nothing actually wrong with your son using the women's bathroom, it is not a viable option due to societal repercussions.

That being said, I think you are over estimating the danger posed by your son using the men's restroom. If you just send him inside and wait for him, the worse that could happen is that he would strike up a conversation with a man who would say something inappropriate. I mean, you are standing outside the door waiting, so it isnt like he is going to get kidnapped without you noticing. So, in the future, I would suggest the men's restroom.

I don't think it's a silly question at all, and I also think that your son is entitled to use the disabled toilet.

I raised this issue with the team who diagnosed my son with Asperger's and they said that there should be no problem with his using disabled facilities. My son is a small 7 year old, but I am increasingly aware that he won't always be able to use the ladies' toilet when he is out with me. Like you, I wouldn't want him to be in the men's toilets on his own, and in any case, my son usually likes me to be nearby when he's using the toilet.

I was told that NAS, (I'm in Scotland) produce small cards explaining autism, and that if anyone did complain about my son using the disabled toilet I should just hand them a card on my way past! So far, no one has complained or even commented on him using disabled toilets.

Having now read Tracker's post I would add that your son does have various diagnoses/disabilities which mean he is just as entitled to use the disabled toilet as the person in the wheelchair. Not all disabilities are visible and there are many people who have to use disabled toilets for various reasons. Some of those people will need assistance, perhaps even more so than someone in a wheelchair, and disabled toilets are larger than normal cubicles so that more than one person can go in.

My main problem with my son using the men's toilets is what would I do if he did call out to me for assistance. I don't think men using a urinal would really want a woman coming in and seeing them!

I think you were perfectly justified in using the disabled washroom. One caveat - if there is someone with a wheelchair or as a visible physical disability in line to use the accessible washroom - I would immediately let them go ahead of me and just say, "ours is an non-visible disability, but you might need it more than us" or something like that.

As for using the men's washroom, there might be a way that you can instruct your child to use a stall each and everytime (for privacy) and to maintain verbal contact with him while he is using the washroom. Instruct him to call out if there is a problem (and don't be shy about entering if you have any concerns).

BTW - just as an aside about washrooms. Years ago, I was on a charity run in a large public park in my city. As usual, there were mostly women at the event. The public washrooms in the park had a HUGE lineup outside the ladies room and NO-ONE lining up outside the men's washroom. My friends and I just politely warned the men in the men's room that we were coming in, we held up our hands so we would not see their privates while they used the urinals and we just used their stalls. The men did not have a problem with us (one even commended us on our respect for their privacy by shielding our eyes). Sometimes the whole "mens" washroom and "women's" washroom concept is silly.

in the US, a caretaker is allowed to help the disabled person. even if that means going into the 'wrong' restroom. so if your disabled boy calls out that he needed help, i'd holler in a warning to the gentlemen, then enter and help.

my boy is 7 and still enters the ladies room with me. i've explained it to him, that if there is a boy's room available that's fine, but if there is only a mens room, then he is to go with whatever adult he is with. if he is with his uncle, then mens room. with me or an auntie, the ladies.

and if it is a single hole-r, i don't care what the sign says, i gotta pee now!

I wouldnt send my son in the mens room either. Here in California there was a boy killed in a mens bathroom at the beach while his Aunt stood outside the door...it was many years ago but there have been many other instances of molestation in mens rooms. Dont feel bad if you have to use the disabled rest room...you have the right. Also if you have to take your son in the womens rest room too bad for the women who look at you funny. Better to keep your son safe than worry about what others think.

I like the sound of that! Rather than possibly making other women uncomfortable when a boy nearing puberty comes in, just open the door to the men's room and announce you are coming in with your son who needs your assistance ... then go on in after a few seconds unless somebody hollers back!

I got something that no one mentioned before. You, or preferably, your son's father or other older male relative, should teach your son the "man code", which is a series of semi-unwritten rules (meaning you can find them posted on the internet) about using men's restroom. Knowing it will become especially important once your son enters full-fledged puberty. The rules include but aren't limited to the following.

1. Never use two adjacent urinals. Put a buffer zone of at least one urinal. If there are only two, one person should use a stall. This rule is less strictly followed if there are large privacy dividers between urinals. Ditto if there are long lines outside the restroom. (On a side note, an adult man may not want to use a urinal next to a young boy, due to the pedophilia paranoia prevalent in the Western society.)

2. When two or more men who are acquainted see each other in the restroom, no talking happens except in two situations: when they're all washing their hands or when they're waiting in line. In other situations, communication is limited to a nod or a brief "what's up".

3. When using the urinal, always look at the wall in front of you; downwards is also somewhat acceptable, but nowhere else! This is perhaps the most important one to follow.

4. When you're sitting inside a stall, and someone tries to open the door (thinking no one's inside), don't explain that you're in there. A short "hey!" or "occupied!" is all that's needed.

5. Wash your hands after you finish doing your business. Some people may view it as "unnecessary" or even "unmasculine", but deep down inside, they'll respect you for doing this.