boy must destroy

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Something happened today with my 11 year old Aspie son that is a fairly predictable pattern for him. He was playing with a large heavy rolling pin and dropped it accidentally on his toe. Of course he shrieked in pain but then he gets really really angry at the rolling pin and starts looking around for something to destroy. Whenever he stubs his toe-it's the floor's fault. If the computer's slow-it's because it hates him. I can deal with that kind of silliness but when he wants to wreck something I gotta step in and this just makes him madder. Any suggestions? Logic doesn't work.

I have no advice as I am brand new to this. I just wanted to say thanks for posting this because it explains why my son does things like this. I didn't understand why he would get mad at an object and yell at it when I *think* he knows it's just an object. Now I understand a little better.

Well, I fear a lifetime of blind rages and all the consequences that go with them. Whenever I try to use logic he yells "I KNOW MOM I'M NOT STUPID YA KNOW" has anyone overcome this?

I still get frustrated with inanimate objects and castigate them as if they could hear and understand.

As far as destroying things, all I can tell you is my folks simply would never have tolerated that. Reaction would have been swift, sure and (for me) quite unpleasant. I'm not recommending anything, just saying that since nobody knew I had AS, I didn't get any slack for it - I got treated like any kid would who threw a tantrum. And I learned to control myself.

He has gone as far as scratching "meanie" on my bumper-this was about three years ago-but the car is an 11 year old bomb. He got grounded for that- I told him no company for a week and he said "Ah, peace and quiet."

Precisely what I would have said. Give me a good book and an empty room.

Unfortunately, back in the 'olden days' you knew you were getting punished when Dad took off his belt. The narrow leather one, that resembled his Dad's shaving strop. Frontier justice handed down from generation-to-generation... Brutal, but very effective. No longer recommended by child psychologists, however, nor endorsed by CPS.

1) Find something for him to take the frustration out on; bottling it can have pretty significant physiological consequences. A tree trunk and a bat; a punching bag; a trampoline - anything to let the rage out instead of seeking transference. Demonstrate appropriate methods and times to release such frustration instead of punishing the need for expression.
2) Something to consider is that, depending on severity, the frustration with inanimate objects can mirror that of animate beings; neither giving off any signals that are decipherable or comprehensible.
3) Rage is difficult for the person in the middle of it to grasp or control; try addressing the problem at another time instead of in the midst of the issues.


M.

Willard wrote:

Yes, sometimes it's hard not to laugh. I remember frontier justice...it worked but I was terrified of my father because of it. I won't say I haven't lost it and spanked him but it just escalates things. He scratched my car after a spanking. I wonder if there isn't a larger situation with lack of impulse control in many kids today.

makuranososhi wrote:



1- You're right but its hard to stand there and watch it. Pillows don't do the trick-He does think I'm telling him he doesn't have the right to be angry-but I just want him to find a better way.
2- that's my biggest concern
3- I do but he doesn't think about our little discussions when he's angry like that.

Thanks for the input -I'll keep trying-

Do you have to watch it? Is this more about your comfort, or his? Not trying to be offensive, just understand what the situation is. By redirecting the anger at inanimate objects, I think it would be reasonable to think that such would help deflect rage at people as well as he matures. He's also 11 - hormones in the AS mind are damn near traumatic at times, like an unstoppable intoxicating agent. The physical exertion should help him churn through some of that and put it to use instead of boiling over. By setting parameters and agreeing to them -before- the situation develops, then you are no longer put in the position of reward/punishment giver - it is a consequence, and as such the responsibility turns back to your son for his behavior. That doesn't mean make them abusive, but it does remove you from the decision making process as such. When the agreement is broken, then the consequence falls into place.


M.

I see what you mean makuranoshi- I guess that's something I need to work on. We live in a small 2 BR apartment on the 3rd floor so it's not so easy to get away. Plus, I resent the feeling that I'm running away from my own space so I don't have to watch someone destroy my stuff. Frankly, part of the problem is this kind of behavior is an immediate trigger to memories of my father's rage and I've got a lot of baggage there. I don't like feeling helpless. I need to have something handy for him to pound but pillows don't cut it.

If you were closer, I'd give you an extra punching bag from my storage. Your feelings are valid; finding balance is the challenge. Take him to the local school track and walk laps, if that is what it takes. If things are destroyed, then using the pre-determined agreements, he is responsible for replacement, repair, or forfeiture. Again, consequence works better than reward/punishment in my book - there are no questions, there isn't a question of motive, favoritism, or mood, it simply is the result of action... much like chemistry. You are wise to recognize your own baggage; it takes time to let it go.


M.

Willard mentioned CPS and I didn't know what he meant but I just started reading The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene PHD. and saw it meant Collaborative Problem Solving. Here's a quote from the book-

"An explosive outburst-like other forms of maladaptive behavior-occurs when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person outstrip that person's capacity to respond adaptively."

Sounds a lot like how people here describe meltdowns.
I just started it- I don't know where it will go from here-A woman I know through work said the book really helped her with her son.

CPS is child protective services.

Interesting, because its my NT daughter in our family who likes to rage and destroy things. My AS son is controlling his meltdowns well lately and, well, rage and meltdowns are not quite the same thing. The trigger is different, and what needs to be done to work through it is different.

I found solving the meltdowns to be easier than solving rage. Rage requires a physical outlet, and we're finding that hard to come by in our house.; Meltdowns tend to be senosry so finding and mitigating the triggers tends to prevent those.

Lol, same here. I loved getting grounded and didn't get why my littlest brother freaked about it so much.

I used to (okay sometimes still do) mutter that such an such bit me (paper, binder, car door, etc...). I knew it was my clumsiness that caused the ouch, but the object still made me mad. I'd only get to the I want to break something point if a whole bunch of other things had been going wrong in a short space of time. Aimless is right, a pillow just doesn't cut it. Half the time trying that just makes me more frustrated for some reason. Box of cheap, ok to smash plates ftw . Concentrating really hard on breath count does too, but not when I hit full rage point.

I hated getting grounded because my mom take computer away or my bike or my dolls or my friends, TV, not allowed to leave the yard and I hated not being able to do things I wanted to do and my mom made sure she took things away I liked doing.

Parents just need to ground their kids in a correct way. Grounding them from something they hardly do or they don't enjoy doing would not be a punishment to them. If a child doesn't mind being in their room and they prefer to be in there, sending them to their room would be out of the question. They would just learn to break rules to get sent to their room and they won't get bothered about "Come out of your room and spend time with the family" "Come out of your room and find other things to do." If a child doesn't enjoy playing outside, grounding them to stay in the house would also be out of the question.

For us, this book was invaluable. I hope it helps.