Forcing opinions on children

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I hate it when parents and teachers tell a child that he will continue to be punished unless he says ''I'm sorry'' for something he isn't sorry for. It's like they think he's a monster because he doesn't see things the same way they do or have the same opinions or values. He will end up hiding his feelings, thinking they're bad, not trusting people enough to tell them the truth, and believing he has to lie to get or stay out of trouble. And therefore, another thing I don't like is telling a child to say ''Thank you'' when the child doesn't feel thankful at all. Do you or do you not want to raise and honest child? Especially the thanking people for things he doesn't like, maybe even hates. It's teaching him that if people knew what he actually thought and felt, they would kill him, and that he has no right to have different thoughts or feelings from others, and that in order to survive he must take his thoughts and feelings to the grave with him.


And you're also teaching him-- and others-- that it's alright for other people to lie to him to make him feel good, or better, or falsely secure. And that leads to greater insecurity for the child, knowing, even if someone says something nice and they're telling the truth, that maybe they're just lying to make him feel good.


So please, if your son tells a truth that embarrasses you or makes someone feel bad, ask him why he thinks or feels that way and actually WORK THROUGH IT. Don't punish him or censor him. That's just plain wrong. Lies, in ALL cases, are evil things from hell, and nobody should be lying and calling themself a good person because they lie.

While I pretty much agree with your last paragraph, you seem to have misinterpreted quite a bit in the first few.

I have told my son he has to apologize even when he wasn't sorry. If he doesn't believe it was his fault, he should at least be able to drum up the empathy it takes to feel bad that the other person got hurt. I would never make him say, "I am sorry I hurt you," but I have asked him to say, "I am sorry that you got hurt." Sometimes a few words can build bridges miles wide, and it is worth learning that early in life, or you will constantly face needless conflict. Is it lying to say you are sorry someone else got hurt? Well, then I have to ask, why AREN'T you sorry? Shouldn't we always feel bad when someone is hurting? And if we can't, in this one case, perhaps we can see that as a flaw in ourselves, and say a simple phrase that makes the other person feel better?

Thank you is a social construction. You can learn to accept that, or you can allow the world to judge you based on your lack of desire to follow it. Fair or not, you will be judged. All this we have explained to our son. He is allowed the choice to follow or not, but then he also has to accept the consequences society might dole out. I am not in control of society, and neither is he. To assume one must feel thankful to say, "Thank you," is taking things far too literally for survival in the world as it is. I understand how one might see that as lying, and my son and I have discussed these sorts of things at length, but there is a distinction between polite constructions and statements intended to convey feelings and meanings. When asked a question that requests a sincere answer, you give a sincere answer. When in the situation to follow simple formalities of society, you follow those simple formalities.

Your feelings on this subject are unique to AS, and it is worth realizing that. NT society carries clear distinctions on what is and is not lying that can be very difficult for someone with AS to understand. As a parent to an AS child, I most definitely need to be sensitive to how my son sees it all, and you have expressed his viewpoints quite well. But that does not mean it makes the full story, and it cannot be generalized to raising NT kids.

For Billy (Girlfriend's 10 year old Aspie), when he does something wrong, he is punished for what he did wrong. An apology is never part of the equation. Lack of apology will not add time to the punishment, nor will fervent apologies after the punishment is administered detract time from the punishment.

If it is something he didn't KNOW was wrong (like telling a group of my friends that mom "has to pee like a racehorse" when she goes into the bathroom), an explanation as to WHY it was wrong will always be given. A "that made mom feel embarrassed" is usually enough, as he is a sweet kid and will feel bad for what he did.

And I agree. Encouraging a child to lie about being sorry is not a good thing.

Here's an example. I have a 4 year old niece (Jadyn) who just ADORES Billy! One day, they were both over at my place, and Jadyn wanted to play with Billy's leggos. He told her no, because they were his. This made Jadyn cry. I told him that he made Jadyn feel bad because she wanted to play with his leggos, and he said he didn't care. Forcing an apology in that situation would have made Jadyn feel better, but it would have made Billy bitter, and it would have been a lie. So, I told him that since HE can't share his toys with her, I would no longer share MY "toys" with HIM, namely my computer (he LOVES LOVES LOVES playing on my computer). He got really upset, and asked why? I said because it was mine! Being a smart kid, he said that wasn't a good reason not to share my computer. I told him it wasn't a good reason for him not to share his leggos with Jadyn either.

*BING* The lightbulb went on in his head. I asked him if he liked how it felt when I quit sharing my computer. He said no. I told him that was exactly how Jadyn felt. He sat there for a minute, then without prompting, went out, apologized to Jadyn, and asked her if she would like to play with his leggos. For that, I gave him an extra hour of computer time.

It is always better to help them understand what they did wrong rather than force them to apologize.