Aspergers mums - How do you deal with a meltdown?

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Ok ,

So im opening this topic in looking for help.

Im either blind or most of these topics are focusing on children with aspergers as opposed to mum's with aspergers.

So my question really is how do you deal with a crying baby/toddler when you're trying to stop yourself having a complete meltdown. When you're so overwhelmed by the noise and the mess they've caused or the fact you're trying to sort out the mess they have caused/ general mother activities.

How do you deal with the fact you need/want to be left alone , and you dont want to be touched and you dont want anything around you , but your baby/toddler is crying for you??

Does anyone have any stratagies that help them in this situation. ?

I would really appreciate peoples help as this has hapened and i dont feel like i dealt with it very well.

I managed to get through the baby/toddler years. I honestly believe the hormones involved in breastfeeding helped me to be able to tolerate being touched. And it was helpful my second kid didn't like to be touched and was fiercely independent.

But, that's what I'd suggest: increase your child(ren)'s independence.

•Floor bed in a safe room, instead of crib or cosleeping
•Acessible food and dishes on low shelves in kitchen
•Teach skills for self-care and make items accessible
•Naptime or quiet time rituals (my kids are in elementary school and no longer need naps, but on school holidays--I institute an hour of quiet time: no talking, stay in bed and look at books)

And, I go to my room and close the door when I'm overwhelmed. I have a door hanger that is green on one side (meaning: yes, you may come in) and red on the other (meaning: no, stay away).

In the short-term, you may just need to get a sitter/helper for the kid(s) until you've got a system that works for you.

Good luck!

I am a Dad that deals with this very thing every day. My boys are 6 and 4. Just about everything they do has some sort of sensory or home evironment consequence and it drives me to the point of shutting down or getting angry to the point of melting down.

When this has happened and my wife isn t around I just try to do things the best I can. First I make sure they are safe. I will try and change the situation by seperating them or put something on the t.v. that they will watch. Not the greatest thing I know but sometimes it is about coping in the moment and the t.v. usually works.

In the moment, I try and pause and recognize what I am dealing with. This is where practicing minfulness helps a great deal. From there I can sort out what needs to be done this second and what might not be as important. Ex. we are having dinner and the kids start throwing food or are climbing on the chairs and going under the table. ( by this point my anxiety is already high and I am sure I would have already told them a few times to stop) ... then lets say one of them falls out the chair and hurts himself. this would be about where I would snap. So for me in my mind my thought process would be like this.... tend to the hurt one, separate them to finish dinner or say dinner is over. As for the mess and dishes that stuff can be done later. I guess in a nutshell do what you can do in the moment. Sometimes because of our challenges we cannot be the "super parents" we'd like to be or live up to the images of every family seeming so happy and parenting their kids is all unicorns and rainbows. Our reality is a bit different, and that is O.k....it's all about perspective.

Now if my wife is home I wills usually get to the snapping point, and remove myself from the situation.

Parenting children on the spectrum while being on the spectrum is the hardest thing that I have ever done and will ever do. Most days I feel like I am failing at the task. It is a vicious cycle.

I know for me I will wear ear plugs when my kids are being too loud. The being touched aspect is a difficult one because it becomes your needs vs. the childs needs/want. In those situations I would suggest the option that will keep your sensory levels down. This will help keep you regulated so that you can tend to the other needs. It may not be the most comfortable choice but if the baby is safe then letting it have a good cry isn t going to harm them.

If you are the only parent in the situation once you go down that's it. So you have to take care of yourself first sometimes for the good of all involved.

The amount of time to yourself has been diminished greatly I am sure. Having kids will do that. So for the time the that you do have to yourself you really have to make good use of it. The best you is going to be the best you for everybody. But it is this time that seems to be easily sacrificed when time is cut short. I am learning that a better diet, more sleep, baving a stress relieving outlet and trying to stay in he present moment all helps.

I find that this parenting role is particularly hard because there are very few people that truly can understand what you are going through. I know you asked for Mums but as a Dad I felt I had something valuable to share. Know that you are not alone.
kind regards. Shark.

I'm a stay-at-home mother of four.

One thing I do, is not have rules or standards that aren't necessary.

Rules are things like, "Don't abuse the animals." "Don't touch the stove." "Don't go outside without asking." They are things that are necessary to the preservation of life and safety.

Standards are things like, "Do your homework." This is necessary for obvious reasons. Standards are also things like, "Have a manicured lawn and a sparkling, beautifully decorated house." This is completely unnecessary, and just a source of more meltdowns. My standard looks more like, "If you can lose a cat in the grass, you're probably in violation of some ordinance and someone needs to mow" and "You need to have clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat on and it needs to not stink."

I also cut down on stress by not expecting my kids to be perfectly well-behaved. I mean, I don't allow them to like run around in restaurants, but I don't get too upset if they're bickering or talking back or whatever. I expect to have to correct them, and I expect to struggle with it. They're here to learn how to be people, not to impress people with what a wonderful mum I am. I figure, if I wanted to do that, I'd invent some fantasy kids to talk about on Facebook.

I don't expect myself to be some perfect mother, either. I tell them when they're too damn close to me. Honestly, once they're old enough to wean (about 18 months), they're old enough to be told this and to learn to understand. Things like, "Sit beside me, not on me" and "Get your hand out of my armpit" and "I love you, but my skin hurts. If you're close enough to touch, you're too close" aren't abuse. IMO, they teach kids to respect boundaries from a young age and help them out in the long run, especially if they're ASD too.

I have a daughter (Kid #3) who demands constant attention. She can be very endearing about it and performs some amazing feats; she can also antagonistic and nasty about it. I tried everything. I finally started telling her, "I love you, but when you act like this it makes me want to get as far away from you as I can." My dad always said to criticize the behavior, not the child-- and it seems to work. Well, sort of. She hasn't quit being an antagonistic little snot about three evenings a week, but it's been a long time since I've been seriously and compellingly tempted to slap her.

Our son has ADHD. Almost all of his friends have ADHD. My husband has ADHD. One of the things they all struggle with (hell, the kids without letters and I struggle with it too) is volume control. I'm sound-sensitive; a houseful of yelling kids is agonizing. I have learned not to be shy about saying (yelling, if necessary, and enjoying the irony, "Please stop yelling!!"). Some days, when I'm extra-sensitive and their control is extra-lacking, I go in my room, turn on the fan, and shut the door. They are 15, 9, 7, and 4. They are probably not going to die. And if they jump on the furniture and spill lemonade all over the kitchen?? Don't give a damn. The couch is shot anyway, and the kitchen will clean. What are they gonna do?? Use cuss words?? OH WELL.

Sometimes (after I make sure they are fed, watered, not hurt, etc), I tell them that I am doing my thing for a little bit, and they need to go do theirs. And the longer they harass me, the longer it's going to be before I am interested in doing anything with them.

When they were tiny (so small I couldn't leave sight of them or they would die), I used to sometimes strap them into their car seats and just drive. And drive. And drive. Gas was cheaper then. But sometimes, it's hard to put a price on overcoming the temptation to shake your child. Kid #3 was an extremely fussy baby until she learned to walk (at like 10 months).

Please remember that, no matter what other parents tell you, no matter what parenting magazines say, no matter how much #soblessed BS you see on Facebook, ALMOST EVERY OTHER PARENT GETS FRUSTRATED TO THE POINT OF MELTDOWN WITH THEIR KIDS TOO. That's why we have things like 7 o'clock bedtimes and trade tips on how to trick them into going to bed early and do things like make jokes about it being "wine o'clock."

When I start to feel the palms of my hands itch and I hear static in my ears, I know I'm going to lose it. I go outside, take the knob off the storm door so they can't follow me, and smoke cigarettes until I feel better (usually takes about 20 minutes). I've taught 3 out of the four that there is a point at which Mommy says "Go. To. Your. Room." And you need to go, because if you don't, Mommy is going to start sobbing and carry you into your room (dragging you if necessary) because Mommy is going to f*****g lose it.

It's verbal abuse to scream and spit and screech epithets and insults at your kids. That's not the same thing as raising your voice, or even yelling. I have made multiple efforts to always use a soft, sweet, pleasant voice-- yeah, well, sometimes my kids don't realize I'm serious unless I'm yelling. Sometimes, I don't think they even hear me until I yell. So be it. I would rather yell than speak sweetly and beat them with a 1/4 inch PVC rod like some of the Quiverfull parenting advice recommends, or get so frustrated with being ignored that I either pull out emotionally or snap all over them. Everybody who interacts with my kids think they're pretty healthy, and if I'm erring anywhere, it's on the side of being overly indulgent.

I don't even try to be perfect any more. I try not to even feel the pressure to try to be perfect. That saves on a huge amount of meltdowns.

Sometimes I still lose it and melt down. Oh well. Mommy blogs would seem to imply that I'm far from the only mother who locks herself in the bathroom, curls up in a ball, bangs her head on the wall, and cries.

All those families who make it look and sound like unicorns and rainbows??

Either they beat their kids into submission behind closed doors, or they are LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH.

Unicorns and rainbows. Yeah. My ass. I have never seen a real, honest family where it's unicorns and rainbows. 95% of them are image-crafting (lying), and the other 5% are truly and terrifyingly sick when nobody's watching.

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply . I forgot mu password got lost in life and found myself stuck in my head . This knowledge and advice is sooo good for me . My daughter is now 22months . Ive been sinking lately and amazingly I just successfully logged in first attempt. Read this and thought oh yeah . It is ok to do this rather than fall apart because ive allowed hrr to watch nursery rhymes in the afternoon as im stuck in another planet of emotion and long winded thought, when normally I only allow in the morning. I feel I have been struggling with my interaction with my daughter. I started reading milestones which she is doing great at but I realise I dont feel like im teaching her about emotions and encouraging her to use out koud words to express what she likes or why shes upset. Im not sure how to. ..... I had a huge emotional shutdown just over a week ago. My daughter was safe but I know I was unable to respond and if she did hurt herself I probably couldn't of ... .

Ok, if you are having meltdowns to that degree, you need to build more relief for yourself into your system. I give myself timeouts if I have to ---and it may be you have to create better self awareness of how to notice ahead of time to do it. It also may require maintenance. This is not terrible, and it is good modeling actually, b/c we want them to be able to take them away from stressful situations, too. So don't feel bad about doing it.


As far as teaching emotions goes, It did not even occur to me that this was thing to teach until my son was like 4 or so and someone mentioned it at school. There are sets of pictures of people with emotions you can buy, and other resources for that. A free website for emotions is http://www.do2learn.com/. It is pretty good. There is an emotion wheel and all sorts of other things on there.

I would start with simple drawn face pictures and maybe emoji. The actual photographs are harder to decipher and sometimes wrong becasue the models are told to smile etc. and sometimes there are subtle things wrong about the eyes that are off, since it it is not genuine emotion. I, have trouble with some of it myself, so taking pictures out fo magazines did not work so well for us, but you may do better with it.

I try to give myself timeouts but sometimes they arent possible or that going through the motions doesnt click. You are correct there has been alot of times that I have been unable to reconise my limits or warning signs. I had a major melty point yesterday . Middle of town , shopping point entrance and unable to move. I had a very understanding and supportitive friend with me who eventually managed to g e t me moving . I wouldnt normally respond well to anyone touching me or talking to me , but I was frozen as I couldnt run n leave my child and I couldnt push away. I couldn't talk . It wasnt even her words so to speak. Its the fact she let me and insisted for people to leave me alone giving me space . She looked after my daughter and supported me afterwards with her aswell as not insisting I needed to talk about it. .