New School

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My 13 yr old stepson started a new school this week. His last school was all LD. The new school, my husband said it will all be LD even though their website says they also take "any kid wanting a small learning environment". So I guess the other boys in his class are leaving him out, not inviting him to sit with them for lunch etc and my husband said, the other boys look and act like typical 13 yr old boys.

I said maybe they aren't LD. My stepson has NVLD. I said maybe their parents just thought a small school would be better for them. The thing is, he shadowed at an LD school and got in, but then his parents liked this other school because it seemed more mainstream. The other school required a psycho-educational evaluation, this school doesn't require anything.

Would he seem odd to an NT kid? Probably because he talks very loud with a sing-song intonation, he stands too close and his talks about objects obsessively in a complete one-sided fashion. I mean the conversation only goes one direction. The thing is, I assumed most of the boys would be LD, but it doesn't seem like any are like my stepson.

I think it's good for him to learn how to interact with mainstream kids, but he doesn't know how to. How to start up a conversation, how to not talk obsessively, to learn about personal space, etc - but where can he learn this? Do you think he can learn this just at school or would a speech therapist help?

I've seen books that teach teens about social interaction but they all say they are for kids on the spectrum, which he is, but his parents don't want him to know that. So where to start?

It sounds like your stepson could use speech therapy for pragmatics of speech, and also social skills sessions. Social skills are often for people on the spectrum, but not exclusively. Some people who have other learning differences also have social deficits and benefit from social skills classes/sessions.

Do you know what the objection is to telling him his diagnosis? Most of the people on this board have expressed strong feelings of relief on discovering that there was a name for what they were struggling with, and that they were not the only ones. My son was pleased to have a name for his "weirdness," of which he was very aware. He was also incredibly happy when, this year, in a "special" school, he finally met other students who also had Asperger's and knew it. It was like a gift. He is a much happier person now.

If the other boys have been at that school a while, and your stepson is the new kid, then it would be natural for them to leave him out; it may not be intentional at all; it could be that these are kids with weak social skills themselves who don't know how to make friends with the new kid. Even though my son would never intentionally leave anyone out, I also have to say that I've never seen him reach out to anyone; he just doesn't know how. So, first, I would suggest a little detective work to see if you can isolate what the underlying issue is: are they avoiding him for a specific reason, or because they don't really realize what they are doing? Knowing which it is will direct the next step.

My son has had social skills training through his speech services, but it is a constant process, and it really has to start in the home. As soon as our kids learn enough to be on par with other kids their age, the other kids change, and so do the rules, and it all has to start over. I haven't found that the speech specialists are able to keep up with that; there is only so much they can do. So it falls to us as the parents to have eyes and ears open and to assess what is really going on.

I have tried to get my husband to find some way to share the diagnosis but he, well, honestly I don't understand. It's not just him but his ex-wife. Their son was diagnosed PDD-NOS at age 4, he didn't talk until he was 4 and they decided the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. Then a year ago he got a diagnosis of NVLD and his mother said the psychologist is wrong, she doesn't agree with the diagnosis. Before the diagnosis, I had decided from all the reading that he either had AS or something close to it, I had never heard of NVLD before.

I was in a car accident at 15 and suffered a TBI. My mom let me see the diagnosis which was 1) severe brain injury 2) severe brain stem injury 3) severe head injury and 4) basilar skull fracture. It was good to know because it explained my troubles, it took a long time to recover, I couldn't walk, talk, read or write after the accident, it all had to be relearned. I graduated through the special ed dept but eventually went on to college with few residual effects, but some do linger, mainly concentration and memory.

Anyhow, I have been open with my stepson about this, hoping that his parents will realize being LD is not a bad thing. I mean I talk openly about my TBI, hoping the openness will rub off but it never does. I went on to become a nurse which was very hard but it is something I am proud of.

I am trying to encourage my husband to have a look at Wrong Planet, I'll mention things I find in there, trying to get him more comfortable with the whole topic. I've told him he should tell his son as he is hitting puberty and I think it will help him learn about himself. I will always identify myself as TBI, I am not ashamed, it is part of who I am - sometimes I will completely forget what I am talking about and I know my friends are aware of my injury and understand. I'll often say 'what was I talking about? because I completely forgot!' and we just laugh about it.

Yes, it would be helpful if my husband could tell him because then I could show him Wrong Planet and he could chat with kids like himself and read about kids like himself. I read posts here all the time and think omg that is so like my stepson! (I don't refer to him as my stepson all the time, I just don't want to give his name here to protect his privacy!).

I may just cut and paste what you said in an email to my husband, I mean, I have told him I'm glad I knew about my diagnosis many times but I think to hear it from another parent will mean more. Thank you.

You are right. It is the first week. I think I will give it some time, it's natural to have an adjustment period. It's a very small school and once they spend time in class together, hopefully things will get better.

I thought I was getting somewhere until this morning. My stepson apparently is having a bad first week, I think first weeks at a new school are just like that. Then my husband said his ex-wife sent the teacher an email asking if she could 'buddy up' her son with another kid. I mean she is like that, if she could hold his hand his entire life she would.

I said well she can't expect the teacher to arrange his social life and he needs to learn how to approach people, how to initiate a conversation etc.

So I told my husband I have seen books for teens on the spectrum where they have pictures and show the kids scripts they can use in certain social situations. I said I haven't bought it because it says it is for kids on the spectrum and you haven't told him.

So he says, well it would depend on if it only mentions autism in the forward and we can cut it out or it it is all throughout the text. Maybe we could just photocopy pages so he doesn't see any reference to autism.

I said 'yeah, I guess we can do that but are you ever going to tell him?' I said 'maybe when you tell him, in a couple years or whenever, then he could use the book'.

I mean I don't know what to do, he just doesn't want to tell him and it's not my place to tell him, I know that but he does suffer because he knows he's different.

He said 'I don't want him to feel ashamed' I said 'it's not shameful to be learning disabled, I was learning disabled after my car accident, I have a TBI, I am not ashamed of it'.

But see I really get nowhere. I am having a baby in 11 weeks, and I have 2 kids of my own, so I don't really have a lot of free time to try to help and I don't feel he even wants my help but it's hard to see my stepson so miserable.

Grace09,

This is so sad. It sounds like what is really happening is that your husband is ashamed. If he were truly concerned about how his son would feel about learning the truth, he would be seeking ways of learning how to approach him with the information in ways that would help him feel positive about the information, rather than hiding it. Hiding it makes it feel shameful. When we told my son, we told him that it is thought that Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, and many other famous people are/were on the spectrum. Similarly, when my daughter was in a school for students with LD, they highlighted individuals with LD who went on to make big differences in their fields of endeavor, or who were just successful in their lives. They had people (like doctors, teachers, etc) come and speak to the kids about what school had been like for them, and about what their lives were like as adults. It was a wonderful, positive learning experience not only for the kids, but also for the teachers. So many major people in history were "quirky." By your husband's standards, they should all have been ashamed because they were different. Nothing changes or advances in the world if there is no one who thinks differently!

Well I was just on Amazon and looking at a book called "Social Skills Picture Book for High School and Beyond", then thinking, ok, I have to cut out anyplace in the book that says "autism" or "asperger's" or any other reference to the spectrum.

I mean, my 6 yr old daughter has said to me "*** doesn't act like a normal kid". I told her 'that's not a nice thing to say' and she said, 'but it's true Mommy!'. I mean she's 6 and my son is 8 and he has said similar things to me, that he doesn't play like other kids, he doesn't follow rules, he doesn't play fair - I hear that all the time. They played with him in the beginning but quickly drifted away.

He can follow a script. Many times when he speaks to me it sounds scripted, do I care? No, he has learned what to say in certain situations and I think it's a good thing, I know it's hard for him. A book like the one I mentioned above, well he could learn the 'script' and follow them. I think it would help him and maybe I could rip/cut out all text and just leave the pictures with the scripted answers.

Well, it's gotten better I must say. When I showed my husband a book on AS a year ago and said I think *** has AS or something like it, well he got very upset, told me I have no qualifications, etc, I didn't know what I was talking about and made me feel really bad. Then 6 months later he was diagnosed with NVLD.

Now he at least accepts the diagnosis, his ex-wife still doesn't. Maybe he just needs to come around to accepting it first? I mean the first diagnosis was at age 4, of PDD-NOS, and he didn't accept it.

It will and it has taken a toll on our marriage though because my stepson has been so unhappy, stomping around. Not all the time but often enough that sometimes I have to leave the house with my kids. There will be a baby in the house soon and I don't know what will happen then. No way she'll stay asleep with how loud he gets when he is upset.

He is with his mom this coming week, I dread the following week because he will be here and possibly still upset about school - he tends to not be able to 'let go', he gets 'stuck' all the time - but hopefully he'll mesh into the new school by then, I hope so. I'm glad I could vent a little here, thanks!