Need advice; aspie nephew will do nothing to help

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I'm at my wits' end, as is my sister.

She has a 10 year old Aspie stepson who simply refuses to do anything he is asked to do. Granted, we understand the limitations of the disorder will make it difficult for him to focus on tasks he is given that he doesn't find particularly interesting (like cleaning his room or taking out the trash) but this goes beyond that.

At this point it has progressed to the point where if he is asked to do something he really doesn't want to do--like today, with yard work--he will have one of his meltdowns. Meltdowns for him consist of sitting in place, rocking back and forth, and banging his head/back against the wall or whatever else he's leaning against. He'll go pretty much catatonic.

There is not a damned thing we can threaten to do to make him not do that. (I believe that quite often he's forcing himself into the meltdown on purpose to get out of things; I did this too, as a child, so no telling me we don't do that). She has never laid a hand on this kid. Punishment revolves around taking away things or privileges. However this kid seems to have absolutely NO interest or attachment to anything, or respect for that matter. His toys he breaks them and doesn't care. The house is always trashed because he doesn't care what he does or leaves lying around. The bathroom he uses is always filthy as he refuses to use tissue paper or flush the toilet..... There is really NOTHING we have found that we can withhold or apply as a punishment that works with this child. Lately he's on a constant state of grounding and I think that it's been so often that that has become his comfort zone, being holed up in his room with nothing to do, and is thus preferable to being told to do tasks that he doesn't want to do.

What can we do? I mean, really? My sister has another 11 year old stepson, and a 2 year old and 4 month old. There is always so much going on that she really CAN'T focus all of her time and attention on this boy--and frankly his father is useless with it. (I think he has Aspie tendencies too.)

What can we do? We're going to go crazy before this kid turns 18.

This is going to sound ridiculous and extreme, but as an autistic individual I have been through a lot. The only way I believed I "learned" correct and incorrect behavior happened to be through abuse. Emotionally, Physically, Mentally. If I did something odd or wrong, my parents would either hit me or say hurtful things towards me. When I acted "weird" around my peers, I was bullied to the point of tears.

Now, I am completely against any type of physical or mental harm when it comes to children... but perhaps there is something to this. Granted, my self-esteem is now literally non-existent, but I do know how to properly behave and interact with NTs. Some people need a physical push. You don't have to beat the child, that's cruel and disgusting... but perhaps resort to spankings as a last resort?

My Mum was of the 'a smack in time saves nine' viewpoint, until I learned how to debate. I turned out ok enough. I have fair self-asteem, just to let you know. Though, there needs to be balance and routine (I mean, the mum and dad + other relatives act the same way in similar situations, same disipline, same rewards).

If the kid does not care about his posessions and time-outs, it would seem that a new different disipline form is needed. Smacking as a last resort may work, depending on the age of the child though. Though, if I were you, I'd research disipline methods and try to remember how I was disiplined (as you said that you did this yourself when younger). I hope that this situation turns out well and that you all come to a good solution.

Sounds like any form of the traditional "reward system" will not work w/ this kid. I am not for physical punishment & my mother avoided using it on me (she would spank me if I jumped on a glass coffee table/which I don't remember doing before age 2 & hurting my brother). His room is his comfort zone (you said) so use that as a reward. If he does something he can go to his room if he wants. But if not, he has to spend time w/ others (he won't like spending time w/ people, but theirs a good chance he will not ever really want to anyways if he's like me). He may have to be physically forced/led through doing things (walk him to the trash can, move his arms & hands so he grabs the bag, lead him to the outside can, etc.). Its difficult to punish a child if they don't become attached to things & people or view being punished traditionally as a punishment. Ex. I don't get offended by insults, but if the person screams them, I don't like the screaming. Also, I love being isolated.

Have you tried talking with him?

Once again, I believe the situation has come down to you trying to figure out ways to force him via punishment to do something. This is commonly referred to as coercement, and often time is not an effective strategy to raising children. Granted, there are some things which you need to teach the child are inappropriate, such as hitting other people. And in those situations, negative reinforcement may be necessary. But when you've got the kid on permanent lock down because he wont mow the lawn, then the only thing you are accomplishing is making him miserable, and preventing him from learning or maturing.

As standard advice, the best thing I can say is to work with the child rather then at them. If you want him to do something, try sitting him down and explaining WHY you want him to do it. What benefits are there in doing what you request. Try sitting down one day and making a list of all the chores which need to be done. Lawn work, garbage, cleaning, etc. Then, go down this list and explain to him in detail why these are necessary. Why should rooms be cleaned, list the benefits of sanitation and organization. Then, try distributing the chores amongst the family members in a fair manner that everybody can agree to.

Keep in mind that you nephew is indeed a human being, and as such he deserves to be respected as one. You shouldn't just make demands of him, and then punish him until he does what is demanded. That isnt raising a child, that is treating him like a slave. Try working with him, and treating him with some respect, you will probably get some better results.

Has it been considered that his behavior is not about want, but about need? Perhaps all these chores are too much for him. I know my son can't clean for more than 10 minutes, and then only if we've given him a clear and manageable task. AS kids are easily overwhelmed, and find it much easier to see the clouds than the sunshine (in his head, if he mows the lawn, he'll never get to the task he's been dreaming of all day). Honestly, he sounds like a child that has completely given up, and negative consequences will not work in that situation. He's going to keep digging in simply because he doesn't believe he can ever live up to expectations.

Some simple ground rules:

1) Pick your battles. Forget the household chores and focus on the personal sanitation. Get that one down before moving on and asking something else. For some AS, this is an extremely difficult skill; I have no idea why, but I know it is. I have literally marched my son back into the bathroom over and over again until he has completed all the steps. He learned to do them because he got sick of me being in the bathroom with him. For some reason all this sanitation stuff is really difficult and stressful for my son; it takes a lot of energy for him to perform on these tasks, and that leaves less energy for other things. Eventually, of course, it becomes habit and then you can move on to a new skill, because the energy requirements for habits are lower.

2) Remember that AS kids need a lot more down time than normal kids. Just getting through a day is more exhausting for them; things we take for granted require mental energy, thought, and determination for them. An AS child NEEDS time with his obsessions or calm place. He NEEDS to stim and relax, be himself unfettered, to re-center in a confusing world. Budget this into his day.

3) Note that chores which are scheduled are far more likely to get accomplished than ones which are not. A request to go mow the lawn, now, while the child is engaged in self-calming task will be ignored. But a request that asks if the lawn could get mowed in exactly half an hour, point it out on the clock, make sure the child agrees to the timing; that may work, assuming he is not otherwise overloaded.

4) Consider if the chores assinged are appropriate. Does the lawn mower frighten him? Does he have a sensory issue with the cut grass? Things that are totally innocent and harmless to us are not always so to an AS child. One of my frequent examples is flushing toilets; do you have any idea how many AS kids are either afraid of or have a sensory issue with the flushing noise and visual? These are very real issues, and ones that need to be dealt with sensitively. Has anyone ever asked the child what bothers him? Is he living in an environment where he would feel safe sharing things like that?

Kids are driven to grow up and take on responsibility, if you give them self-confidence and respect their needs. I'm a total softie mom and was never any good at enforcing chores, but my kids are picking them up anyway. My son discovered he likes his room clean and organized, so he works on it. It's really hard for him, but he has severe executive function issues, but with a little help from us, he can get it done. He also lhas discovered that he really likes cooking, and has started to cook for the family one night a week. I love having the night off! It's not something I would have ever thought of asking. I like it that my kids are picking chores; it goes so much easier. But, I know not all families are like that.

This young boy sounds just like my Nephew who has Aspergers.

His parents went their separate ways 2 years ago and he has found it extremely difficult to go with the changes that come with divorce, moving from one house to the next on a weekly basis etc etc. His behaviour has gone backwards in a lot of ways since.

It must be so hard on your sister, I can imagine how busy and tired she would be. Does she get any respite?

Just looking at it from a different angle; Is there some way your sister could have the other children looked after so that she can spend some one on one with him without other distractions? Perhaps in time this might make him feel more valued and want to help out more? Maybe he is seeking attention? (My ASD Son (4) is like this in some ways... The more time I spend with him throughout the day, the more he is willing to do)

Good luck, there's no real easy answer, but I hope things improve for you all soon.

Well, there are a few things I want to get out there first of all.

We are in no way, shape or form not addressing his needs. He enjoys being around other people, and as a matter of fact one of the big points of contention is that he will refuse to take a shower/do a chore/go to bed if there are people doing something, /anything/, that he might think interesting. It will often lead to a meltdown if we force him away. I am not entirely certain he fully enjoys being in his room alone--we have to stay on him constantly to get back in there if he's on punishment--but as I said I believe in his mind now it's more preferable to be in there than to do a task he doesn't want to do.

We have tried talking to him. It's not like we said "oh ok this kid has Asperger's lets assume he can't be talked to". We give him the reasoning, the logic, and the whys. He still won't do it. We give him chores to do--the same, daily chores, very few, honestly--and he will shun them as often as he can. Example? One of his few chores is to take out the recycling. Rather than placing it in the actual bin by the house, he will just walk within throwing distance (a mere few feet) and throw it at the bins, which means he inevitably will miss. Or, he'll throw it someplace else--Saturday we found it in the bushes by the front of the house. His responsibilities consist of taking out the recycling and getting his homework done, and cleaning his room when told. Also, bathing and brushing his teeth. That's it. His 11 year old brother has a lot more responsibility, like mowing the grass, and it's definitely a big sore point between the brothers.

We've tried everything that has been suggested here, bar the actual physical punishment (although that isn't to say he hasn't been spanked before--like the time he decided to play with matches and catch the yard on fire). We talk, explain, cajole. My sister doesn't have the time or resources to constantly do his chores WITH him--nor the strength to drag him to them when he goes catatonic/non-responsive/into his own little word.

This kid is a bit unusual, I think, compared to most Aspie kids. He has no food issues, he has no attachment to material things, and he would vastly prefer to be up everyone's butt at all times. On the other hand he does have all the other best known earmarks for it including the sensory issues, speech delay as a child and all the other whatnots. Thus he is a bit more challenging than most, I fear.