Need advice on teaching social language skills

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My almost 17 year-old son needs help and I don't know where to turn. He's just starting 10th grade. He's VERY high functioning. His grades are terrific. Aside from eye contact not being so great and the fact that he speaks in a quirky way, you really wouldn't be able to tell he is AI.

Except for the fact that...

He is socially clueless. He tries so hard, but he just gets it wrong. He doesn't know how to enter into a conversation. He replaces social language with facts that, in many cases, are already known to everyone in the room. He doesn't really listen to what others are saying. I could go on, but I think many of us parents struggle with the same thing. Basically, he comes across as either ret*d or a dork. He goes on rants about the situation in Iran....

We live in a small town. Spencer is very handsome, which helps. And I make sure he dresses like the other kids. But they've all known him since kindergarten, so he is "not cool." He has no friends - not one. The girls are nicer to him. Yesterday he broke our hearts when he told us that he's so lonely and my husband and I are the only ones he has to talk to. He's an only child.

I try to help him, but I think it come across as nagging. I know he feels like he did something wrong and that he's bad and I'm angry. It doesn't seem to matter how I tell him that he's not bad and I'm not angry. I guess part of it is that he's a teen and doesn't want his mother telling him what to do.

Lately, I've noticed that my happy teen has turned a bit dark. He no longer looks forward to college. He wants to stay home. For example, he spent 3 weeks in Africa last summer and did great on an NT trip with National Geographic. I had an insider telling me how well he did. So I know he was fine on the outside. But I suppose not on the inside. He doesn't want to tell us about his worries because he's afraid we'll get mad.

Anyway, I'm feeling desperate to help him. How can I teach him social skills without it seeming like nagging? Are there therapists who specialize in this? There aren't any psychologists in my town who do this. And the school is out. I can have it written in his IEP all I want, it's not going to happen.

I could hire a teacher to tutor him, in a way. I've ordered Faking It and the 5-Steps Anxiety book. Any thoughts? I feel just about as alone and lost as Spencer does.

That was a really difficult age for me too. People that age whilst still immature are generally less naive and more independent than before. Where as ASD people can get left behind, despite sometime having mature interests for their age.

Personally my view is you can adapt, what you cannot do is learn every social inherent social skill that people take for granted anyway, because few are known even to so called 'experts', and secondly on a conscious level you would not have time to be able to asses the situation and be able to make the necessary corrections live.

Instead you adapt by trying to make the situation work out in your favour.

I have general advice that I can give him based on my experiences. I'm running short of time I’ll come back to this later.

That sounds like me in high school, and I adapted (eventually) pretty well. There are some things you should understand, though.

It sounds like he's perfectly normal, but NT socialization, especially in high school, is objectively a little crazy. People don't say what they mean, information is irrelevant, everything has double meanings, people are always 'messing with your head'. It's just nuts.

At his age, the people I liked to hang out with and talk with were a lot older than I was. They weren't 'friends' exactly, but I felt relaxed around them, and the social interactions were comfortable once I learned to explicitly pay attention to turn-taking, interest in their perspectives and topics, asking questions, and such.

He has to 'translate' in a social environment, using cognition and learned rules to substitute for native ability. This will always be true for him, but it gets easier. Learning the rules is one component, but knowing ones limitations is important too, and using that awareness to set up socializing in more comfortable situations.

I recommend Grandon & Barron's "Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships", for general understanding. There are a lot of specific books and things, on social skills development and cognitive behavioural therapy, but I don't know enough to made specific recommendations.

The best thing for him is if he has a 'light-switch moment', where he suddenly understands that socializing isn't about information.

The easiest socializing for me is when there is a purpose, one-on-one or a small group, and for a relatively short, fixed duration. Aspie socializing requires lots of thinking, so it can be exhausting. The simpler the situation, the less draining it is. Clubs are great, especially if they are related to his special interests.

Sometimes, if other people know he's aspie and what his specific differences are, they can adjust and 'meet him half way'. If people don't know he's aspie, then he's just a 'dork'. If they know, then they have an archetype, and they can be a lot more accepting.

How much does he know about Asperger's? Is he on WrongPlanet?

I wish I could help you but I am here looking for the same type of help except I have a 13 yr old stepson with NVLD. He does not do well in school, he is also 'math disabled' and 50 lbs overweight, even if he were NT, obesity is the kiss of death in middle school. He also has 2 best friends, mom and dad. Although, in this area, there are tons of resources (we live in the Bay Area) but still, there is only so much one can do other then sit and fret. I mean, he had an awful first week last week, the other boys don't want anything to do with him, but who knows if that is the NVLD, being overweight or both or neither...we don't know.

He also doesn't understand social interaction, stands too close, talks too loud but it is a small school supposedly that caters to LD students although anyone can go.

You mentioned the clothes and I thought of my stepson because he dresses like his 40 yr old father, exactly. I have mentioned this to my husband, like we should take him shopping where teens shop but that is another problem, he literally can't fit into clothes off the rack. My 8 yr old loves the cool clothes, he really loves clothes at Target which is nice for me but I've never seen anything my stepson could fit into there.

Well, I will follow this post and see if you get some good advice! I think there are a lot of us in the same boat! Although the only difference in my case is that my husband and his ex-wife do NOT want their son to know he is on the spectrum, which limits a lot of what I can do. His mother tells him there is nothing different about him, he's perfect and I think it adds to his anxiety because he can't figure out why people won't be friends with him. He has awful anxiety. Even if I get a book, like a social skills picture book, my husband said he wants me to cut out any reference to autism and then I just think, forget it. It's so frustrating!! !

Huh, that sounds very familiar....

First off, you may want to think through carefully about what it is that your son actually wants in socialization. If is anything like any other aspie I've ever met then he has no interest in small talk, or other common topics of conversation in high school. Most conversations amongst typical high school students can be separated into a few categories:

Lies and boasting designed to make the speaker feel better (commonly of a sexual nature)
Discussing popular culture things (such as last night's TV show, or sports)
Talking about superficial appearances (hair, clothes, nails, etc.)
Celebrity gossip (more so common amongst females)
Talking about other students behind their back (most likely in an unkind manner)
Talking about teachers behind their back (most likely in an unkind manner)

As you can see, in depth, intellectual conversations about things like politics, economics, or other such topics are not on the list. Most aspies prefer to have conversations with more substance to them. We prefer to discuss things in a more mature manner, this is not what happens in high school.

Now sure, you can give your son some pointers and teach him how to talk like an idiot so that he will blend in with the other high school students. You can show him how to make lude sexual jokes and insult teachers, while having a fancy hair cut and wearing popular clothes. And if you do that, he will be a bit more popular in school. But I guarantee you he wont be happy, nor enjoy himself. Simply put, aspies dont enjoy the social games and popularity contests that plague NT people in high school. Most of us are repulsed by the notion of having to engage in such activities.

More likely, what your son wants is not to play the social games typical of his high school peers. He is probably more interested in simply getting companionship from other people he can talk to about things that interest him. And for that, your son may want to look to other avenues beside the popular culture of high school. For example:

Table top gaming clubs. The prime example of this would be dungeons and dragons. It is a very fun game, played mostly by the sort of nerdy people who get into hour long discussions about the economic climate of imaginary worlds created by the dungeon master. In other words, it is a very aspie friendly place. I dont know where you live, but odds are you have several D+D clubs in your area. Those would be towards what your son would enjoy.

Another option would be online games, specifically MMORPGs. I am a proponent of these games as they allow for an enjoyable use of your time, and are good ways to spend time with other people and feel a sense of human companionship. I have played them for 5 years, and I thoroughly enjoy them. World of Warcraft is the most popular of the MMORPGS, but it's target age group is usually late teens. If your son likes to discuss more mature topics, he may want to look into Final Fantasy 11 (my preferred game). The average player age in those games are early 20s. Or possible Eve-Online, with an average player age of mid-late 20s. They are in general a more mature place where you can have an adult conversation.

As far as AS kids who talk politics, and play "World of Warcraft"...well my stepson has NVLD and he is nothing like that. It would be great if he could talk about global warning or the geology of Iceland but he's not one of these types. He'll talk on and on about car keys or GPS systems or electrical outlets. Imagine this conversation: types of electrical outlets, different adapters needed in different countries, let's look at my BOX full of electrical cords, hey! I know! let's count how many electrical outlets there are in this 2-story house! I think the world is different for these AS types who, may be quirky, but academically they are fine. I knew guys in school who would talk about their rock collections but at least they were talking about something where having a collection of rocks is somewhat normal for a kid!

My stepson has collections of electrical cords, old cell phones (he doesn't take them apart to look inside, he just likes having them), car keys. When he was little he wanted old VCRs and vacuum cleaners. Oh and I almost forgot he has an intense love of blenders. OMG if I make anything that requires the blender he wants to take over. The last time I made a cake it ended up overblended and 1 inch high because he wouldn't stop with the blender. I would say 'lightly blended! I think we've achieved lightly blended! ok I think we are done with the blender' but he couldn't stop!

He also has this thing with car keys where he wants to hold them all the time. Wherever I go, after taking the car key out, he insists on carrying it. I had to eventually stop that because I would be worried as I am used to carrying my own car key and it made me nervous to have someone else carrying it.

I mean I know this post is about a kid with AS, so maybe the World of Warcraft idea would work, but my stepson has trouble following the rules for the Playstation games. I've watched him play and he doesn't actually understand how to play it, he just goes all over the place with his character.

He also suffers from being the "rules police" all the time. Everyone has to be doing things exactly as scripted or he has a meltdown. He likes to tell people they are wrong all the time, he likes to correct people. Oh yeah, this isn't about me!

I think you are at least in a better place in that you son can wear the teen clothes, he gets good grades, a handsome boy - that does matter for a teen and I think the suggestion of scouts is a good one except I think, at 17, they start to be more of the leaders of the younger kids.

He went to Africa for 3 weeks last year! My stepson won't go farther than the mailbox by himself, he would have a panic attack, I'm serious.

So he has already shown lots of independence and HS is HS, he will probably thrive in college.

Just wanted to say, have you looked into classes at the local community center? I look all the time but so far everything I have suggested has been rejected. My stepson also has an obsession about cars, I forgot about that one, and I found a class over the summer where they make some sort of little car. I thought it would be great, he could socialize with other kids, he said 'no' but his father insisted. I was going to sign him up with my 8 yr old son, but in the end they said they would accept my son but not my stepson because he was too old.

I still look, I was looking today even, and there are tons of fun things to do and your son sounds more open to things like that.

Just a note on boy scouts the ranks are about what they have finshed in the book and less about age. Cub scouts is more of a age based thing. Scouts has done alot of good for my older son who is a border line assipe it might not be a bad thing to look in to. Reminding him he has a bright future in a bigger place with more people is a great idea I wouldn't have made it threw school with out some light at the end of the tunnle thinkning myself. Best of luck and much love to you and your boy.

scouts sounds like a great idea - I am looking now for a troop my stepson can join

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful advice. It's difficult for me to remember what kids talked about when I was in high school. But I guess it is all about rather silly stuff.

Thanks so much to the person who said that social language is not about facts. Our little family of 3 is a very fact-based, brainiac sort of family. So we get along really well with each other. We read all kinds of things and try to amaze each other with inane facts. It's fun - at least to us it is. I think this site would help Spencer a ton. So far he's not interested in embracing the fact that he's an Aspie.

Spencer is interested in international politics. Sometimes it leans toward anger at injustice - a bit too much anger. But for the most part, I enjoy hearing the latest update on Iran and North Korea. I can see that kids his own age would be bored solid.

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired. I really liked the advice you guys gave me. The 2 minute watch timer, etc...

Mostly, I feel much better about doing everything I can for him. I want him to be happy! It's hard to watch your child - even a 17 year old struggle with something.

Nite!