Primary Coping Mechanisms

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My son is 11 almost 12 and the teacher noted last year as well as us at home that he resorts to "primary coping mechanisms" like crying, pouting, not speaking to or acknowledging people.

For example, he wanted to watch a movie and he was told no time and time again, then Rogers on Demand wasn't working so he went to his room and we could hear the crying (and loud)....but this isn't the first time. And it takes a bit to get him out of that "state"...

Any suggestions how to get him not to meltdown like a child have his age would...and I'm not trying to sound mean but it's the closest comparison.

Well, he might stop on his own soon. I sort of "woke up" when I was 13 or so, (at puberty, I guess) and stopped melting down over stuff like that. He might start getting some perspective and realizing it's unreasonable, or maybe become embarrassed when he realizes he's too old for that.

Sorry I don't have any advice for actual action though, LOL.

It's nice to hear from someone who has experience it. I'm hoping the same for him. He's better at school but home is still the same...thanks for your feedback.

In Temple Grandin's book "The Way I See It: A Personal Look At Autism And Aspergers", she said something to the effect (don't have the exact quote) of crying being a good way to release all of the emotion and anxiety. If your son is crying privately in his room to vent his frustration, that is preferable to violence, self harm etc. As far as the not speaking to people if he is upset, that is way better than yelling, swearing etc. These may actually be positive coping methods, that he can modify in more socially acceptable ways as he gets older (like going to a bathroom to cry privately or asking politely for a few quiet minutes instead of just shutting down and not acknowledging people).

Privately to me would be so no one else has to hear but he gets to the point of hyperventilating which I don't see as good...

I am going to make a guess here, based on my experience with my own children (one AS and one NT), and suggest that you look at the situations to pull out what he must have been expecting. My kids won't accept a "no" when they were sure they would get a "yes." So, the question becomes, is there any precedence or other identifiable reason that the child might have expected a yes? It could be that he usually can watch a movie at XXX time, or that he remembers some promise from weeks ago that he would get to watch that movie "soon," and through some logic of his own decided that "now" was "soon." Or he may have spent his whole day looking forward to watching that movie at a certain time; some plan he made that he forgot to tell you about. It really helps to ask questions to get into what his expectation was and WHY; AS can't deal with things that aren't as expected, and they can have very creative structures for devising those expectations. The more you know about those structures, the more you can clarify things upfront to prevent unfulfillable expectations from arising. With my son, realigning his expectations to more accurately predict reality was a huge part of the battle with meltdowns. We choose our words carefully and NEVER assume that he understands anything; it all gets spelled out. If I am going to want to go grocery shopping when I pick him up, I tell him that before I drop him off. And so on. He simply is not capable of going with the flow; that rigidity is part of AS.

No, there wasn't an expectation as far as the movie I said no to. I always tell him no but he figures other kids have scene it (teens) so he should be able to. His expectation is that he's far older than he really is. For instance, Futurama is for age 14, I don't like my kids watching that but he figures he's heard kids in class talk about watching it so why can't he and I say cause I don't feel it's appropriate and I'm following the tv rating.

It's the same with video games. He would play video games all day if he could and we have to tell him on regular basis to find something else to do. It's his "obssession", video games I mean. My husband chooses that as a consequence to bad behaviour because in theory you should take a way what matters to curb bad behaviour only after a couple of days he goes into meltdown so today we are headed to the doctors for our semi annual visit and I intend to address discipline since we are never on the same page about it. My daughter on the other hand is ADHD only and she doesn't have anything she cares about TOO much so taking 100 things away she still finds the 101 thing to do LOL...it's crazy.

Any discipline suggestions?

Oh and I forgot as far as the movie on Rogers on demand, the expectation set is that Rogers usually always works and didn't happen to work that particular time so I didn't set the expectation, Rogers did LOL.

The most effective discipline for an AS child is getting them to buy into the rule. Really.

Consequences can backfire, as you have noticed. And its very important not to issue consequences that you will find yourself unable to follow through on, and messing with something that is self-calming to an AS child is not usually a good idea. While I still find time outs useful (although I don't call them that; I say "I think you need some time alone to figure things out") other things have been hit and miss. Sometimes you have to send a strong message and so must issue a strong consequence, which will wake the child up to how serious you are about it, but the only thing that will really seal the deal is when your child buys into the reason for the rule.

What I suggest on the movie:

Give him a chore or task that will allow him a chance to earn the right to watch it. Maybe use this as a way to reinforce a personal hygiene or independence matter that has been an issue for a while. You could then tie it in with, "if you can show me you are old enough to remember to wash your hands every time you use the restroom (which my 12 year old still has trouble with, just an example) I will consider you old enough to watch the movie. With me." Once he has earned the privilege, you watch the movie with him. Pay attention to his reactions; make notes on the parts that may be over his head or inappropriate. After the movie, discuss the experience and how it relates to the rating. Odds are quite good he will have found parts of the movie upsetting or confusing, and that will be a good bouncing board for discussing what is age appropriate and why. If he hasn't and can maturely discuss all the complicated issues, well, then it turns out maybe he really was ready.

My son knows not to follow the herd at school because we've tried it and its been uncomfortable for him. He learned the lesson by living it. The argument is gone in our family; he trusts me on it. And its funny, because I hadn't intentionally tried to teach that lesson, it just happened.

Dear goodness, why in the world are you trying to limit his time with video games. I know that there are certain things which need to be done such as sleeping, and school. But once he has accomplished those, why are you telling him not to play games? I am honestly curious why you want to limit a thing like this.

My coping mechanisms were also to cry and to be extremely quiet when I was a child. Only no one knew I had AS so my parents really punished me for that behavior which of course made it worse. I think Temple's point that those coping mechanisms are actually good ones makes a lot of sense to me. I believe my brother also has AS and his coping mechanisms were yelling and violence and complete indifference to authority. He has been in and out of jail many times and is still not self sufficient, i.e. no job, no education, no home, etc.

I think your son will be able to recognize that his quietness and crying habits are coping mechanisms as he gets older and has a great support system and people who understand his AS since right now he doesn't understand that's why he behaves that way.