Two days in and already considering alternative schooling...

Post Reply New Topic

My sone has ADHD at most, but the only diagnosis he has is from the school, and I have zero confidence in their professional capacity to diagnose anything. They also entered a diagnosis of Asperger's, chiefly to allow them to include certain training in their special classes. But assuming that he has anything, he fits an ADHD diagnosis. He's almost 8.

Well, that was last year. This year he has a teacher that his older sister said had a reputation for being a toughie. One of his main issues at school is running away, and of course, the idiots chase him. He runs when he's upset. When you chase him, he knows he's in trouble and gets more upset. Duh. We've been working with a psychologist to help us learn to deal with his personality type and we've made some progress.

So this year, day one, he got upset and ran away from the line because he was line leader or had appointed himself line leader, we don't know which, and kids kept getting in front of him. Anyway, his dad went to the school, talked to him about the problem, and walked him back to class. Last year, they would just send him home every time he did it. So he finished out the day and we felt this was a good step. He brought home a coloring page with a yellow star. It said, "Harry had a super star first day!" But under this printed portion, someone has penciled in, "For some of the day."

This kinda ticked me off. I mean, it seemed a tad peevish for a professional teacher, but he certainly doesn't write that neatly... small lettering, spaces between the words, not his usual. Well, I sent her an e-mail last night because she said that we needed to talk about some of his behaviors that day, and of course, I quite understood. He's a handfull. But I guess I misunderstood. I thought she was being open to suggestions. I now think she wanted to have a talk with me about how he needs to shape up, and that we are responsible for making it happen. We're working on it, but it's up to him to do it, us to help him learn how, and them to work with us on that and to keep him in sight and safe while he's there. We aren't there, after all.

Yet when he ran off today, at lunch, I don't think anyone looked into possible reasons. He later told me that he was going to the office to say hello to the principal. Lest this sound like a lie, he tried to do so this morning on the way in, and it is the sort of thing he would do. I believe him (this time, he varies). Anyway, I guess he came back alright because we weren't called.

Here's what ticked me off. When I got to the school. he came out and while I was deciding whether to go looking for his sister or wait for her there, his teacher pulled me aside and said she was going to send home a note saying he'd been soo good all day... and then he ran from the lunch ladies. Just like that. He was nuttier than a bag of squirrels yesterday and today aside from one incident he was an angel and that one mistake, also improved from yesterday, means that he now failed on good behavior for the whole day? Well, I tried to interpret her statement nicely because it smacked of plain meanness, and said, "Oh, so then there were several good points and one bad." She responds, "No, we need it even. This is dangerous." And just like that, she turned around and talked to someone else. So yeah, apparently we disregard all his hard work and call him a bad seed because he wasn't perfect. Cow.

"Need it even?" No, you need compliance and you don't want to have to work for it. She has that sort of tone that says, even to adults, "This is unacceptable. Fix it."

So as she walks off, I overcome my surprise to say, "Without even doing any work for it?" but by then she's miles away mentally.

Well, crap, what am I supposed to do? I'm tempted to ask, I may even. "You clearly are thinking there's something I should be doing that I'm not. Could you tell me what you think is the cure for not thinking before you act?"

I now feel stupid for having e-mailed this woman with an explanation of his personality and ways you can encourage him to think and take responsibility, and about giving him choices he can handle so that he feels like he's doing something, and about not reacting too abruptly because it frightens him and he panicks. We've been using the Myers-Briggs personality scale, and he fits the Artisan type, always testing boundaries, likely to respond to ultimatums by proving you wrong. But now I think her goal was to just set us straight and secure our compliance. I dunno what her deal is, but I am not pleased with this petulant approach to accountability. Our goal is to teach him to be accountable, but not by destroying his accomplishments as revenge for making a mistake.

So I'm already thinking we may have to just give up on them. His class is huge, 32 students, so it wouldn't be so bad to take one out. And I really do understand the difficulties of giving more attention to one kid when there are so many. But as my husband says, they're going to be giving him the time and attention anyway, they won't have much choice. Better to try new ideas, that might lead to less time wasted corralling one boy.

Ugh. My main concern is her attitude, obviously. It all seems very mean-spirited. We get little in the way of specifics and she alludes to our needing to take some action. And then she's off doing more stuff so you have to wait.

This woman was an as*hole. You are amazing though. You explained the whole thing really well. When get angry about the clueless administrators at my son's school, I am practically incoherent. Good luck. You will do well as your son's advocate.

irishwhistle,

In an ideal world your school can accommodate your son's needs and behaviours and devote the time necessary to working with you and him. As a practical matter, there are limits to what they can do. These constraints arise from limited resources, limited expertise in how to deal with children who are different in any way, and from limited desire to help. The first two constraints are facts of life, which there is little you can do to change. Attitude, however, is another story. Many times, the school has the means to help, and even the obligation by its charter, but the people in power simply elect not to do so.

From the thread title, it appears you have considered alternative schooling. Maybe you have even considered homeschooling. I would suggest that you investigate these options thoroughly straight away. Find out what the laws are in your state or country (I am assuming from your spelling and word choice that you are in the US.)

If you can ascertain that your school is simply unable to help, because they don't "have the horses" - then you will probably be best served by an alternative solution. If, however, the limitation is attitude, there are steps you can take. First, as I mentioned, know your options, and be prepared to choose one of them if need be, even temporarily. Next, let your school officials know that you are seriously considering removing your child. Because, at least in the US, schools receive money based on enrolment, you are in effect informing them that they are at risk of losing money - anywhere from $6,000 to $12,000. Some schools may not be disturbed by that - they might cop the attitude "for X grand, I'm rid of this problem". If they're like that, leave - they will never help you. However, most schools, especially smaller ones, will not like that prospect. Ideally, they will respond in a conciliatory manner, and you will be on your way to a better outcome. Other schools will try to fight you and challenge your legal right to alternatives. Start preparing for this battle today. Document every little thing - save the little notes that are coming home; write yourself notes of the encounters with the teachers and administrators, with details about their attentiveness, attitude, and what they say. Record the date and place of the encounters. If they are too busy to deal with you, they will not keep their own notes, which will seriously weaken their credibility if you were ever hauled into court. Be firm and polite. Let them know that you are keenly aware of your rights and will not hesitate to assert them. If they want your child, and the money that comes with having him, they will have to earn it. Even if you do pull your child out, your district may be obliged to provide textbooks and other materials. Laws vary widely, so always be informed. See if there is a homeschool association in your area, where you can meet other parents that have gone through a similar experience.

It might turn out that a homeschool environment - which can be whatever you make it - is exactly what you son needs right now. Maybe in a year, or half a year, or whatever he needs, he will be able to assimilate confidently into a traditional school. Or, maybe he is just different, and will learn in his own way. You are the only person who can really judge what is best for your son.

Whatever happens, I wish you and your son all the best.

I think the first thing you need to do is schedule a meeting with the teacher, the principal, and yourself. This way, the teacher is forced to listen to your point of view without the distraction of other parents. 32 kids in a class is an awful lot for one teacher to handle and that means 32 sets of parents to deal with too.

One of the things you need to explain that in order for you to assist this teacher, you need to know what is really going on. To simply state that a child was bad for the whole day is totally different from the child left the lunch line. In fact, such as message suggests a totally different problem. You need to inform the teacher that you are not at the school to see what the real problem is. Once you know the problem, then you can come up with possible solutions, some of which will work but may require extra effort on the part of the teacher.

Finally, what is it with the lunch room that sets your son off. That seems to be the place where the trouble is occurring. Is it the lack of structure? You and the teacher need to look at that.

Unfortunately, the way most kids do it, running away IS dangerous. My question, therefore, is if he has a pattern of running away within certain limits, or does he just run as far as he can? If its the former, and those limits basically insure his safety, I would explain that to the teacher. In that situation, it may be frustrating for her, but there is a pattern and the end result will be somewhat predictable. If its the later, he has to learn, and he's got to get the message; I remember having to settle that issue with my son once and for all when he was just 3 and I was pregnant with his sister. I simply couldn't have it, and I came down hard on him with long time outs, lectures, and explanations, and so on, but he eventually could see how serious I was and took it to heart.

My daughter also runs when upset, but she has always put a limit on it for herself, and so we haven't worked as hard on stopping it. She knows that as long as she stays within those self imposed limits, she can probably get away with it, and so she always has.

Meanwhile, I would suggest a sit down with the teacher where there is time for both of you to see things from the other's perspective. Its the only way to iron through the miscommunication. I wouldn't give up quite yet, although investigating your options never hurts.

We do recognize that when he runs, it is dangerous and unacceptable. They are indeed understaffed or there wouldn't be 32 kids in a class, the way I see it. And I have never seen a school more gung ho about their money. They went so far as to have teachers hold up signs one day about some bond issue and put up signs on the school about voting for more funding, which made me cringe.

When he runs, it really depends upon the cause what he will do, and that makes it more difficult. I've said I understand the trouble for them, but the very fact that he's running so much suggests that he's being mishandled. If he's embarrassed or bored or just irritated, he might run a ways off and see what reaction he's getting... a perfect opening for the teacher or adult to talk him down by giving a response that will leave the ball in his court. "If you come back on your own, you can ______, but if we have to come after you, then ______, it's your choice." Then follow through. He seldom fails to return on his own when presented with these. And options need not be bribes, just something he wants that he won't get one way and will get the other, possibly something he was going to get anyway but won't if he chooses poorly. If he is very upset, his running indicates that he needs to get away from the situation. If they aren't willing to take him out of it before it reaches that point, his instincts take him out. The former is preferable but our suggestions to that effect have been stonewalled every time. "We can't, we don't want to, other students would this or that..." They think it's better to let him get more distressed than to help him see that he sometimes needs to stop and take a minute, they think that will be more damaging, because they don't see it more than one way.

They aren't quite seeing that there are needs here that standard operating procedure are not going to meet. I do see is that this is a lot of work on one student. But he's obviously going to take a lot of work anyway, whether they like it or not. One way, he's going to keep being naughty to get a reaction, or because things have gotten out of hand and he needs time to cool off. The other way, he is surprisingly quickly going to start restraining himself. We know because we have been implementing these things. The trouble with the school is that they only perceive one kind of discipline as being effective, even when it fails repeatedly to stop the behavior. Then, when with some kinds of students their methods fail, it suddenly becomes student defiance and parental neglect that are to blame. They know they have insufficient staff and time, yet they still persist in believing that their methods are not the problem, that since they don't have time to devote to the individual, it is the individual's and parent's responsibility to succeed on what little the school does have time to do. Some plants can adapt to less water or less soil, though the process be long and painful. Some plants die. Schools are expected to do better.

Sigh... I know I'm getting grumpy about this. It's hard to see logically the problems they face and still have to turn around and realize, "That may be, but this is still a human being, my child, who the administration would make into another number and count their successes and call it good, even as his teacher counts his failures and disregards his successes and calls him bad." No words of, "We'll try again tomorrow, buddy." Just that she was going to report his successes... until he failed. Her explanation of the note about his being good for some of the day was intended as honesty, that she felt it was right to give a fair accounting of his day. Yes, I agree. Give it to me in a separate note, not as a blemish on that which he did do well. Take it incident by incident. He is. He already tends to think that one bad event ruins a whole day. He doesn't need adults confirming this fallacy.

I don't see how lecturing a 3-year-old teaches him anything. What we're learning now in our work with all 3 of our kids is to keep it simple, with consequences that make logical sense per the mischief committed. Not every kid responds to severe punishment. Mine thrives on getting a reaction. To tell him he can't is to tell him he must prove that he can. That's what we're trying to help him control, himself. When my son took to running away at 4, the response he got was that he didn't get to go places he wanted to go because of it. Unfortunately, that only solved our problem, not his. He still ran when he could. He wasn't trained at all. Not every kid stops a behavior because he is afraid of parental wrath, of doing wrong, or because you tell him how dangerous it is. If there was a thing I would put on huge billboards all over the world, it's that it's not enough to know people are different, but to expect people to be different and quit assuming they think what you do!

And as I understand, the school is under obligation by law to meet my son's needs, and if they can't, to facilitate his transfer to a school that can. The misconception that we can't expect the school to accommodate every child's needs is just the sort of thing the schools are eager to promote. Even our school's information packet, in it's summary of the 504 law, implies with every phrase that the law is intended to make school accessible for physical handicaps. It touches upon learning disability in the vaguest manner and never mentions behavioral problems as being among those to which the school must adapt. It carefully avoids the topic.

On the whole, I'm feeling just the teeniest bit cynical.