he's sooo loud!

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I really don't know what to do. My stepson is sooo loud, when he talks to someone or on the phone he talks like they are deaf. I always hear him, inside or outside the house, obviously talking to his dad but it always sounds one-sided because you only hear him. When he comes home he is literally shouting in the driveway and my husband responds in a normal voice but he never meets it.

Then he stomps through the house. It's like he's putting all his body weight on every step. He's been this way as long as I've known him. My mom used to tell us to walk like a ballerina in the morning so as not to disturb other people, but it can be 6am and it doesn't matter. He always stomps and what's strange is that he will usually be walking around in socks, yet he still stomps!

Then when he gets dressed in the morning, for some reason, the drawers go in and out, bang bang bang. My daughter has the same drawers, in the room next to his, yet I have never heard her opening and closing the drawers.

It is sooo frustrating! because I don't know what to do! He is 13 and diagnosed with NVLD at 12, and PDD-nos at age 4. I suspect he is also HFA because they didn't assess the social things.

And when he stomps around the house, if I am walking down the hall, he will literally be right behind me. He stands right next to me in the kitchen, I can smell his breath he is that close.

See I don't know what to do about these social issues! Talking too loud, standing too close and stomping instead of walking. Does anyone else have these troubles?

The stomping and draw slamming might be from a need for senory imput. Trying to find some other outlet for this might be helpful. As for the standing too closee and talking to loud a gental reminder might be needed. When he does these things well equaly gental praise will help give him self worth and movation to keep going these things.

I have tried positive reinforcement in the past. I can try again. The trouble is, you can tell him something and I swear he forgets the next day. He also can't take information from one situation and utilize that knowledge to a new situation.

I had a bad morning but have calmed down. The real trouble is the fact that he really doesn't think there is anything to correct because his parents never address it. They won't let him know he is on the spectrum and tell him he is just like any other boy.

My husband said to me this morning when I complained, he said 'well how many teen boys have you lived with?'. The inference was that he is a typical boy and he is told that all the time. I don't think I need the experience of living with a teen boy to realize some of these things are strange. Even if we go shopping, I don't see other kids as loud and he has this thing where he has to control the shopping cart and he literally runs into people because he doesn't notice.

I mean I wonder if he just doesn't think about other people? if that is missing. I mean why are we quiet in the morning, why do we not stomp? It is because we are aware of the other people in the house.

When I first moved in, his mother would call him at 6am, not kidding and he would start up a loud conversation with her in the hallway, right outside our bedroom door! See? There is no realization of other people which is really what makes us behave in a different way, having this social consciousness/awareness.

And his dad has never seen him around large groups of teen boys because he doesn't hang around large groups of teen boys. No going to the mall with friends, no sports and there are only 15 kids in his entire 7th grade, so as far as thinking he's a typical teen boy, how would they even know?

I just asked for 3 things. Please somehow work on his personal space, the stomping in the house and the talking so loud and it fell on deaf ears.

I said to my husband, if I could recover from a TBI (traumatic brain injury) at the age of 15, and learn how to walk, talk, read and write again, he can learn some social skills! I mean I had 3 neurosurgeons say I would never have the memory to go to college and I did (just took me longer). I said "I think the real problem is that you are the one who treats him like he is incapable when he is. You say he's a normal boy but your actions don't say that. If you think he's an ordinary boy then treat him like one and he may surprise you."

Thanks for listening, I am just venting, sometimes it gets so hard and I am 7 months pregnant and operating on hormones!! !

I've never done the drawer slamming, but I can understand the impulse, especially when I have to arrange a large number of items and have them ready by a certain time deadline, such as the arrival of a bus. There is an urge to throw things and slam doors when I'm going in circles, having trouble finding things, and getting overwhelmed, but for the most part I don't act on it.

Standing too close might be an issue of being unsure you can hear him when he's talking. I have had issues with being too loud especially if there's a lot of background sound because this messes with my ability to tell whether the other person is listening and can clearly hear me. The same is true when I talk on the phone. I have also had trouble with disturbing people with stray conversations. Oh well. For the most part I avoid this by avoiding large gatherings and staying around only people who are interested in the things I have to say.

There are times when he comes up to me and is standing on my toes and I swear he doesn't realize it unless I point it out. I came here thinking I would find other kids like him but I haven't! I mean the typical kid on the spectrum seems a lot more typical. You know things like this happen from time to time and I really love my husband but sometimes I wonder if our marriage will last this and it makes me sad. He doesn't think about his actions affecting other people and that just feels like a recipe for disaster. Another problem is I tend to be very indirect, you know, try to find a different why to get a point across so it doesn't sound like a lecture or I am being mean. I'm a nurse, part of my job is making people in bad situations feel better. My husband said to me, that doesn't work, you need to be direct but it's hard, I don't want to hurt his feelings. If I lose my cool, which I did when he hit my son once, well he calls his mom and she makes a big stink about it and calls the therapist and drags my husband into a counseling session and the drama continues for days.

On one level it almost sounds like you're the one who has AS because the sensitivity you have to noise used to be very common for my AS wife. : ). The difference is not everything is loud, just this one kid.

You're kind of in a tough spot but the best I can give you is to be direct & firm but explain it to him with a smile & caring. Try & explain it to him in a way that he can relate to. Does he have sensory issues? What sounds, smells or textures bother him? Explain to him that when he is loud like that it bothers you the same way the smell of dish soap (or whatever) bothers him. Maybe he'll be able to relate.


Some of your sensitivity may be due to your pregnancy. Hang in there, at one point he'll grow up & move out & kids do change with time, so maybe one day he'll start to "get" it. He needs to start to be aware of the way he acts around other people and how his behaviors affect them, otherwise he's going to have a rough, lonely road in front of him.

I might have answered that in the world of pick your battles, these are ones I wouldn't pick, but you have explained yourself well and, so, while you can still consider it, I'll also see if I can provide some constructive suggestions.

The first thing to realize is that if he is going to change his behavior he is going to need to buy into the reasons for it. Explain to him that you have a sensitivity to these things, and you hope he will respect that. You may also explain that you aren't the only one who has such sensitivity, so that learning to respect in general is likely to ease his path in this world with other people, as well. Then discuss options for letting him know when he's being too loud. A non-verbal signal, for example, is something my son responds well to. To note that his voice is louder than necessary, you can push down on the air with a flat palm. To note that he is stomping too much, you can do a pitter patter with your hands. For standing too close, push against the air away from your body. And so on.

Be aware, however, that some of these things are going to be harder for him to figure out than others. The drawers, for example - I don't even have suggestions on how to fix that. The stomping, as well, may turn out to be a sort of stim, something he does (without realizing it) to calm and center himself (in which case you'll be picking between living with stomping, or having more uncontrolled emotional outbursts).

And, please, keep arguing with the parents on the "don't tell him its AS" thing. I can't imagine raising my son without him knowing, for its the explanation of why so many of these issues exist. Knowing has not hurt his self-esteem in the least. In fact, it probably raised it. Its all in how you present it.

posted twice!

Last edited by Grace09 on 16 Sep 2009, 4:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Funny cause I posted something here last night and it didn't post, the site was saying the volume was too high, but there was a video with the founder of wrong planet and he said it changed his life, starting the website and then being able to talk with other teens who were similar and I just thought, oh I wish they would tell him.

I do think his dad spoke to him because the stomping stopped. I mean I think he has to really think about it, be conscious of it. And whenever I walk into the kitchen he will follow me and he is right behind, maybe dying to talk with me about rental cars (something he obsesses over) and there was none of that last night.

I think he does think it is just me though. He doesn't go to a big school where tons of kid would be telling him he talks too loud or stands too close. He very much lives in a bubble. He has always gone to super small schools, where there are between 6-15 kids in the entire grade. He plays no sports and doesn't have any group of teens he is friends with. Never hangs at the mall. Just school and mom or dad's house. And mom and dad are his best friends, so his world is so small that getting the point through that these things will bother other people may be a hard sell.

He also wets the bed and he is 13. And I have been pleading with his dad to take him to a urologist for a year and I've decided it's not worth it anymore. I worry it could be something serious, like diabetes; he has hypertension, he's obese and I suspect sleep apnea but for whatever reason, they won't take him. They think he'll grow out of it just like they thought he would grow out of the PDD-nos diagnosis (which they never accepted) that he got when he was 4. My husband said the doctor looked at his son (when he was 4) for 5 minutes and said 'autism'. He had a look of disgust on his face like the doctor was obviously a quack. And I've heard tons of stories about this school or that school and his son having troubles and it is always the teachers fault. The doctors and the teachers, none of them knew what they were talking about, they were idiots etc. The only good thing is that my husband now accepts the NVLD diagnosis which his son got this year, that was a victory, maybe it's baby steps. He said to me yesterday 'you don't understand because he's not your son, you have 2 kids who are mainstream, you don't know how difficult it is'. And I can understand that a little, I mean it is their business, not mine. I've come in late to their world and yes, with my kids, I steer them and they go. But I do always try to include him but he isn't interested in doing the things my kids are doing, but I still invite him.

But I think I am going to order this picture book for teens, with scenarios and how to respond. My husband just wants any reference to autism cut out, well fine, I'll do it - he doesn't want anything that says 'spectrum' and etc that his son could see. I don't see what the big issue is with telling him he has NVLD - I've pointed out other people ect - In fact I was watching a movie with Daryl Hannah the other day and I wikipedia'd her because I don't know what she has been up to - and it said she was diagnosed with mild autism as a child. I mean big deal, maybe it made her more focused, maybe it made her the star she became. Personally, my TBI helped me understand myself better but my mom never hid it from me, omg, I would have been totally confused if I hadn't known!

If he were just wetting the bed, I'd say leave it, but if he's also obese, then his Dad should really take him to the doctor.

You know, I just don't get the "Ignore it & it will go away" & "Don't tell the kid (or anyone else) line of thinking. I'm not saying make the kid wear a shirt that says "I"M AS!" but man, things are so much easier if everyone is on board & on the same page. It explains so much & most people are very will to make small accomodations if only they were to know of the AS.

I do feel bad for you because of the situation you are in. I guess I'd also advise his dad to try & face the music & get the kid a little help. From here on it will only get harder, not easier. Some of the behavior can be explained away when someone is 8 or 9. It's much harder when someone is 15 or 16.

Last edited by granatelli on 16 Sep 2009, 8:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The weight thing is another thing that baffled me. He didn't get to the weight he is at by himself, his parents both let him eat tons of very fattening foods. If we go to a restaurant, he'll order fettucine alfredo, chocolate chip waffles, hot chocolate, molten lava cake, ribs. He dad tried to steer him away from dessert the last time we ate out and my stepson looked at my 2 kids and said 'why do they get dessert?', well my kids hadn't even asked for dessert, they don't always have dessert but they are also both rail thin. They ended up ordering very small light desserts, vanilla ice cream and a strawberry smoothie - so my husband caved and let my stepson order a molten lava cake. It's sometimes embarrassing because people do look over, because he is so big and you know they are thinking 'what is up with those parents!'. His mom says he'll grow out of it, she thinks he is going to grow a foot, but he's 5'2" now (mom is 5'3" and dad is 5'8") so I just don't think he's gonna be one of these tall lanky guys. The worst part is the weight is almost all on the abdomen. My husband said once, well it's all on the stomach, his legs are thin. I said 'that is the absolute worst place to carry extra weight'. But these are old arguments. I don't know, they never got him help for the autism, never got him help for the bed-wetting so I don't expect them to get him help for the obesity. Maybe if I weren't a nurse it wouldn't feel so much like I was being negligent but I do. I worry about his health all the time, I am always looking for warning signs and symptoms that could be dangerous. I listen to anything he says about his health. He lets me take his blood pressure but he does have hypertension and I've told his dad and nothing is ever done. His school day has been extended by about 2 hours because there is a good commute to his new school, so I am hoping the extra time will help take the weight off.

I heard that when he was little, well he started talking when he was 4 and then when he was in elementary school he would talk about things other kids aren't interested in, like cords and cell phones and vacuums and I think people did think it was cute. I guess he used to like to play with the vacuum and he had a collection of old cell phones. My husband used to pick them up at thrift stores and he said it was cute and encouraged. Now it just seems a bit odd - Just yesterday he was obsessing about some cord he wants, he gets stuck and he can't think of something else, it becomes an obsession for him.

I don't know what is going to happen in his teen years. I have 2 nephews, one with ADD and one with ADHD and my sister got the IEP and all the help and they are just so much better with all the help. She never thought of hiding the Dx from the boys.

In 2 years they plan on sending him to the local high school of 1400 kids, but he really can't read faces, he may not realize or catch the nonverbal communication happening, I really don't know.

The bedwetting could be and from what you said is most like a sign of something far worse. At I think I would just tell my husband I know you love him and don't want him to be hurt but if we don't do something for his weight and bedwetting I think you might just out live your son. Kids die all the time form untreated medical causes. Some times change is hard but it's got to be done. Sorry I'm just a blunt person best of luck to you and your family.

It's not bluntness, it's realism. I have said to my husband, you may outlive him if you don't address the health issues, but that was a long time ago. Haven't tried lately. It was over a year ago and I let him deal with it, as he didn't want me to, and my stepson has only gained weight and I've seen the statistics and they tend to keep the weight as adults.

And I've described a day in the life of diabetes, as I've had so many diabetic patients. That was about a year ago when I was asking if he could have his glucose checked, I even said I could do it, but his dad said no. It's so easy to check, just a finger prick but it won't work without cooperation.

But my husband said something strange to me yesterday. He said that if his son's mom keeps him in his bubble and that is his world and he knows nothing else, then maybe it's okay. And I said 'but what about having a girlfriend, friends, a life outside the parents?' and he just gave me a pained expression. I mean my stepson talks about getting married someday, having a house, a family, being a father. He wants all of that. I almost think he wants it more than most kids his age. He even said he would like to marry my daughter, I said no, and he seriously said 'why not? I would marry her". Ok my daughter is 6 and his 13 and even if they aren't blood related, they are step-siblings but he didn't quite get why that was wrong.

Anyhow, I think I should try for the urologist, because I think it's important, his body could be starting to resist insulin as he does have some signs. And maybe they will listen to a medical doctor, perhaps the urologist will say something about the weight possibly being a factor.

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