How would you feel about NLD/PTSD kid left unsupervised?

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my NLD son is 13 and lives with his dad, who always seems to be off having fun and leaves my son at home with his 15 year old step-brother, the one I've previously described as having anger issues, lashing out, breaking a door. my ex's wife and son just moved here in July, so the whole thing is new to both kids and I can understand the kid being pissed over being forced to move halfway across the country, leaving friends and girlfriend, but it seems like my ex and his wife are a little too dense.

the step-brother is allowed to bring friends over when there are no adults around. one of them, a 16 year old, called my son a b***h yesterday. am I over-reacting to think it's dumb to let teenagers come over when there are no adults around? I think it's especially dumb when one of the kids has NLD.

my ex's wife emailed me last night and I don't really know what to think. she used sentences like these:

my son "is having some difficulty adapting to having more teens around and tends to overdramatize conflict between them."

her son "and his friends banter constantly with each other and don't pay attention to when other people don't think its funny."

the boy who my son "thought called him a name is not allowed at the house for a week" -- THOUGHT, implying that my son doesn't know whether he was called a b***h or not?

am I over-reacting, or is she under-reacting? she seems to think it's not a big deal. they're so hands-off in that house they'll leave the kids alone overnight and my ex hasn't taken my son to court-ordered therapy in 3 months.

I would assume it depends on the children.

My older brother and I got along just fine and we often stayed together while our parents went out and did things. Although, our nearest friends lived about 5 miles away so we rarely had other people come over to visit. More often we would just play on the computer or play station together.

If your son had more problems, and the step son was abusive and invited other abusive people over then it would be different.

Weren't you trying to regain custody of your son? If your ex husband isnt doing a good job of it then I would advise transferring custody of your son as soon as possible.

Like the previous poster said, it depends on the child.

I have NLD and I've been staying home alone regularly since I was ten. I actually had friends over quite often when my mom wasn't home and everything was always just fine. I even stayed home alone once when I was in first grade (only because my dad didn't know how to be a parent) and all I did was eat cereal and watch cartoons. Just because a kid has NLD doesn't make them impaired in any sort of way. You're taking his diagnosis way too far. NLD kids can be just like anyone else.

The words I would want to be hearing from ex and his wife are along the lines of, "X has shown a lot of maturity and judgement and we feel he is responsible enough to be in charge." If you aren't hearing anything like that, just platitudes, I would be concerned.

I leave my 12 year old AS son home alone when I'm out and about around town and I even leave him in charge of his 9 year old sister, but they have PROVED to me that they take the responsibility and privilege seriously, and they have asked me to trust them. I don't leave them alone together in the evening or overnight, if we're going out as a couple, and that they don't ask for. Just errand time and similar things when I could run home if called, and they are willing to put out extra effort at being "good" to avoid having to come with me. And they rise up to it, for that piece of time (amazing given that as soon as I'm home to manage conflicts they are at each other again).

All of it is very individual, and there are no bright lines to be drawn. But you do want to know WHY they feel the kids can be trusted, and you want to hear that they are respecting your son's unique needs and perspectives, instead of writing them off. Your son should be comfortable in the situation, and it sounds like he isn't, so that is a flag to look at.

yes, my son wants to come back to live with me and I want him to, so I am working on that. I never wanted to transfer custody in the first place because my ex was emotionally abusing me and my son, but it was the only way to put them in a position to get over each other. my ex hasn't taken my son to see his therapist in over 3 months and won't follow the therapists suggestions to help my son gain/practice social skills. he spends all his free time off doing his own thing. I feel like he's not advocating for my son.

my son is capable of staying home by himself but because of the extremely co-dependent and abusive relationship it was difficult for him to transition to independence when my ex lost interest in him.

yes, I know that they can be. there's more to it than just NLD. there's PTSD and a history of domestic abuse, and my son is supposed to be in therapy but my ex hasn't been taking him. apparently the step-brother has ADHD and my ex supplies him with cigarettes, and like I said in the few months since he moved here has had violent temper tantrums and attacked my ex. given my son's PTSD, stuff like that will raise his anxiety level, so naturally he doesn't feel safe and I feel like my ex and his wife have their heads in the sand.

I'm going to talk to his new psychiatrist today. his new psychiatrist has some doubts about his dx. the episodes that his previous psychiatrist were treating as manic actually coincided anxiety attacks caused by emotional abuse, according to my journal. I don't think my son is NLD/bipolar, I think he's AS.

Id call child protective services on him so you can get your kid back.Supplying cigarrettes and such to a minor IS illegal.Also, the court ordered your ex to have your kid go therapy and isnt which is a denial of the necessities of life .That also is grounds to getting custody changed.Tell your son the next time he is being abused by his stepbrother and his friends, to just call the police.

it may come to that. my son has been instructed to call the police if he feels like he's being put in danger, and his therapist is on the edge of calling DHS but has to call my son's dad into his office as a formality because DHS is going to ask what family intervention has been done. the whole screwed-up lot of them are also going to the court-ordered family evaluator today and my son spent the therapy hour I took him to last week working out with his therapist what he needs to bring up and his therapist was planning to send notes to the evaluator with his concerns over my son's well-being. yesterday's meeting with my son's new psychiatrist also went well, he's going to look at where on the PDD spectrum my son lies because he agrees that AS is a strong possibility and that bipolar is probably a mistake based on what was going on in my son's home when his medications were adjusted. he then also asked me if there would be any problems for me if my son came to live with me, so I suspect my son talked to him about it.

it will be better for my son and for me if professionals intervene on his behalf because my ex has always made me look like a crazy controlling b***h in court and I get stuck covering massive legal fees from him lying, changing his mind at the last minute, and his crap lawyer slipping things into the final agreements that weren't discussed with me, and then I have to put up with him trying to bully me into things all the time.

sorry for the ramble. I'm kind of stressed out just knowing that they're all going to the evaluator's office today. my ex is an oblivious ass and so is his wife, and I hope they make that obvious today. I also hope the step-brother's issues come out so maybe that poor kid will get some help.

Hang in there I know it's hard. I agree with the posters above get your son back in your home as fast as you can. The older son and his friends clearly aren't safe for your son to be alone with.

thank you!

I forgot to reply to you, DW_a_mom. it would be nice if I was hearing things like "X has shown a lot of maturity and judgement and we feel he is responsible enough to be in charge" but it does seem like all I get from them is platitudes. they didn't really give the kids a chance to prove anything before they threw them together. they always seem to assume things are fine and dandy until situations blow up, then act like it's no big deal that the step-brother is insensitive or that my son is "too sensitive" or that my son has social issues he needs support for when he's in a group setting. my ex's most-used lines are "I didn't know" (BS) and "I was wrong to do that (then why do you keep doing it???). to make matters worse, my ex's wife works in the mental health field so she's good at twisting a situation to mean what she wants.

ARGH.

I'm no lawyer, but if one party does not comply with a court order (i.e., not bringing your son to court-ordered therapy), this sounds like contempt of court to me. In most states, the court has a responsibility to do what's in the best interest of the child. So, while I would never lightly suggest that anyone go to court voluntarily (my experience was pure he||), I am agreeing with other posters...do whatever you can to get your son back. Are you over-reacting? Probably not...your his mom...go with your gut instinct. Best of luck.

thanks. court is hell. I've been in court against my ex a half-dozen times already plus as many mediation meetings. we have a hearing scheduled because my ex refuses to resolve issues out of court, and hearing has been set back a couple of times because of issues getting my ex to comply with the court-ordered evaluation. the way things are going, I don't think we can wait for the hearing. he's in contempt on several issues and the legal system works so slooooow

bhetti, I can totally relate. I don't have any advice for dealing with the legal system, other than to be patient and take the long-run view, which I know is not very helpful. My experience is that the legal system is terrible when it comes to family matters, and so much of the process is beyond our control. One thing that is in your control, take care of yourself. Get on a healthy diet, get plenty of excercise, get a lot of sleep, and continually educate yourself. This will make you a better parent and better advocate for your child in the long run, and it is something you can do now.

I know a kid (he's grown up now) growing up who, if his mother was going out shopping, would put him out of the house and LOCK HIM OUT. I remember him asking me and my brother during one of these episodes "Could you please play with me?"

The 'excuse' for locking him out of the house was that he'd eat all the food while she was gone. And yet she refused to take him with her when she went to town. This woman was nuts. I think maybe the kid was on the spectrum.

If that's the case I think your son is better of with you than your ex husband since he did not comply with your sons therapy. For all I know, if a child is above 5 years old he is free to choose if he wants to live with his mother instead of his father.

I remember parents like that from when I was a kid. some people should not reproduce. if people can't make their kid's well-being a priority, they shouldn't have kids.