Will tell 13 year old his diagnosis: how did you find out?

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OK, we are probably finally going to tell our 13 year old son about his diagnosis. Up until now, he wasn't curious, but now, he's asking the right questions and it's a natural occurrence, so we feel that it's time.

Parents, if you had a son/daughter of roughly the same age, how did you tell them?

If you were the son/daughter who was told, how were you told? Did knowing the diagnosis provide relief? Did knowing the diagnosis make life easier, or did it make life HARDER?

For me it was a relief, I finally knew why I was different. I was told pre-assessment what the assessment was for and told directly when there. I had an idea that I had AS a few years before this as well. I was approx 16 when I got my diagnosis.

I don't know how your child will react though. I think it may depend on how it's explained and how he feels about it, also his own knowledge about it. Perhaps ask him what he knows about AS before telling him he has it, to make sure he understands what you are telling him, so that he hears directly what you are telling him (and not your words filtered through a peer's words).

I heard a segment on National Public Radio about a child with Asperger's Syndrome that the dad learned he had it too. I looked it up and was shocked, stunned and relieved.
I was 56.
Let them know how they are different and let them know it's OK. Don't let them play the victim, though. We all have issues in this world, this is just ours.

My son started asking the right questions, and I started to tell him about how different people's brains work differently... otherwise the world would be utterly boring. And I told him about various folks that I knew he admired who were, or were suspected, to be aspie... Einstein, Mozart, his Dad.)

However, I only found out I was diagnosed with autism at the grand old age of 38, when I broke the news about my son to my Dad... who first tried to tell me I was making excuses, then admitted I'd been diagnosed as a child, and though my Mum got on with it, he thought it was a "pigeon hole", and he didn't want me in it.

I prefer the way my son found out... he's learned to accept it as a gift of sorts. He's precise, hyper focused on areas that interest him, confident in those areas. He now understands why he has difficulties in other areas, and no longer blames himself for those difficulties.

So, I would say... focus on your son's strengths, he's bound to have them, and connect them to his diagnoses. Let him know that his ability to focus on special interests, for example, is a gift of autism, that NT's have to work hard to achieve.

Explain that his difficulties with socialisation can be worked on, and he shouldn't feel bad about it.

And make sure that he knows he's your dear son, who you are delighted with, just the way he is.

My Mum, who knew about my diagnoses, treated me with nothing but love, and respect, even though my Dad never allowed her to tell me. (She died when I was young, sadly, or I'd ask her for advice for you.)

As a Mum of a thirteen year old boy, I'd say, tell him, and make him feel good and special about it.

And as a thirty eight year old who only recently found out about my own diagnoses I'd say... don't ever feel ashamed! It would cause confusion and feelings of guilt, and I know that's not what you want for your lad.

Let us know what he loves, and some of us will have advice about how to introduce him to the fact that it's a potential strength.

Good luck!

I had been through a battery of tests for since I was two and misdiagnosed multiple times before I was diagnosed with Aspergers. So when I was went in for more tests when I was twelve, I didn't know if this would be just another test in a long line of tests. My parents eventually told me directly that I had Aspergers and it came as something of a relief . First it meant the tests would come to an end. And it meant there was a reason why I did what I did. That I wasn't insane, bad, or stupid.

In fact, I recall a pause in the conversation after my mother told me, and I broke the silence saying " So, does this mean I'm not a freak?" Of course, they may have told me sooner than they intended because they knew I'd go looking for answers myself anyway.I had recently gotten in trouble for teaching myself to read the DSM in school library when the teacher wanted us to look up the exports of Brazil or something like that...

I myself am 18 and only this week did I find out I have AS.

Unfortunately, although I now know I can't say it's been easy. However, knowing has allowed me to understand myself and why my brain works differently.

Having gone through my difficult childhood, public school from kindergarten-high school, many ruined friendships, no relationships and now starting college I can say that it would absolutely have been better to have known earlier. Just keep in mind that knowing at a younger age may be difficult for the person at first, but the sooner the better because they will be able to start working with, rather than against, their differences to help bring out their true potential.

The one thing I try is to just remember that having AS doesn't mean there's something wrong with your mind, it just means your mind operates differently from most people.

Best wishes to you, your family and your son.

There is an excellent, new book written to help kids understand their diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. The title of the book is called, "Blue Bottle Mystery"...An Asperger Adventure by the author Kathy Hoopman.

This is a warm. fun-filled fantasy story for children with a "difference." The "hero" of the story is a boy named Ben who has Asperger Syndrome. Bound up in this light hearted, exciting mystery is the story of how Ben is diagnosed with AS and how he
and his family deal with the challenges and joys that come along with AS.

With me it wasn't great news. When my mom told me I had it, I wasn't happy and felt even more abnormal because I wanted to be normal, not different.

So if you have a child who is trying to be normal and wants to be normal and says he doesn't want to be different, it might not be good to tell him. It took me a while to come around to accept it.

The "wanting to be normal" was a bit of a concern for me when telling my son, but we're lucky, in that he has an older brother that he ADORES who would have also been considered "on the spectrum." He is also lucky in that he is surrounded by other kids at school who are either on the spectrum (diagnosed), or COULD be on the spectrum. We have always kind of had this opinion in our family (even before we knew about Aspergers) that "normal" was kind of boring.

Oh, absolutely! Neither my AS son nor my NT daughter care about "fitting in" as long as they have a few true friends and the rest of the world doesn't try to annoy them. My son and two friends decided yesterday to write a book together and they've been emailing and conference calling. My son is in charge of basic plot and cultural details; the other two plan to take turns writing. One of those two has won numerous awards already for writing. It will be really, really interesting to see what happens with this. Team work, obviously, isn't my AS son's thing, except that he has learned he needs teamwork to make his gifts come to fruition, because on his own the impairments get in the way too fast. Interesting, anyway, eh? Lol, SO sorry for the diversion.

I am glad you are telling your son. As with so many things, you'll take your cues from him. My son knows the word but mostly understands that his brain is wired differently, something that gives him both gifts and burdens. He is really proud of his gifts and if the cost to those is a few burdens, he decided the trade was worth it. I've got a kid really comfortable in his own skin. Amazing.

DW_a_mom, I really love the fact that your son is comfortable in his own skin. That's what we all want for our children, and it's nice to hear that it's attainable! I'm also FASCINATED that your son is collaberating with his two friends on writing a book. What a cool thing! That sounds so great -- be sure to keep us posted.

We've been blessed in witnessing my older son's development. He is picky about his friends, and most people aren't quite up to his "standards," but the friends that he has, he has kept over many, many years, and remains in contact with them. Our younger son, oddly enough, is the exact opposite -- he loves EVERYBODY. He thinks pretty much everyone is nice and a friend of his. I don't know how true this is (I don't go to his school with him, of course, so I can't witness that interaction), but he is very likeable, and has many friends.

My biggest concern in telling my son is that I don't want him to get too attached to the "label." Lately he's been asking if he has ADHD, because he takes Ritalin daily. I answered that he has AD (trouble paying attention) but not the HD (he shows very little hyperactivity -- nothing beyond normal "boy" energy). Ever since this conversation, he talks about ADHD and will say "Well, you DO know that I have ADHD!" whenever the going gets rough or he can't pay attention. I don't want him using Asperger's/HFA in the same way.

How funny. Kids will be kids, and if they think there is an angle to play, they'll play it. The few times my son has tried it we've answered something along the lines of, "your condition makes you unique, but it isn't an excuse. We are well aware of how it might limit you, and we wouldn't ask something of you if we didn't honestly believe you were capable of it. And this, you can do."

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 12 Oct 2009, 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Excellent way to answer that! I'm using that line myself, if you don't mind!

I'm stealing it too! We don't get it often but every once in a while if my daughter doesn't feel like doing something she'll say "I can't because my Asperger brain won't let me!" We've been saying "this has nothing to do with your Asperger brain...this is about your choices" but I like your answer better:)

We just went for a long ride with our son (it's leaf-peeping season out here in the East, so that was our excuse) and had the diagnosis discussion in the car (where we have historically found that our children feel more comfortable). Talk about a non-issue! Our son was mildly interested, asked a few questions, seemed to "get it" and then we were done! I'm sure more questions will come in the future, but hey -- this was easy. He very accurately pegged some of his friends that are on the spectrum, which I thought was fascinating. I think on some level, he has always known.

Answer all questions and don't avoid any. At 13, it seems a good age for understanding. I would have liked to have all information about it from an early age... I was more than ready. The only thing was people kept things from me on the "belief" I wouldn't understand