I need advice about my daughter

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Hi, I'm new to the board and I need some advice. My 11 year old has Aspergers and we're so accustomed to her behavior that we don't even notice it anymore but unfortunately that isn't the situation at school. My daughter likes to collect shells and they can be found in the dirt all around her school. Today, during PE, she was getting shells out of the dirt when two of the girls started throwing shells at her and calling her names like wierdo and ret*d. She said she told the coach but she didn't do anything.

I'm am sitting her stuck somewhere between being furious and heartbroken at the same time. She's very quiet and she doesn't bother anyone, so why can't she just be left alone? Does the fact that she hums to herself or walks on her tiptoes sometimes give someone the right to be mean to her? I'm actually taking this harder than she is. I guess the indifference of Aspergers can sometimes be a good thing.

I don't know what to do. Of course, I plan on speaking to the coach but the fact that she wouldn't listen to her makes me so angry that I just may say the wrong thing. Plus, I'm afraid that if I go down there and make a big deal of it, the girls may get into trouble. I don't care about them but they could end up being even meaner to her. They'll probably just be sneakier about it. I'm just feeling really down right now.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Erica

I'm not shy, I take the teachers to task and tell them they need to keep my child safe. My son has faced some teasing in the PE locker room and I've made my case to two PE teachers and the resource teacher that the locker room must have an adult presence that the kids are aware of. I'm nice about it, when I make such suggestions, but firm. Kids have a right to be safe at school. If your daughter can be in class with kids throwing things at her, and the adult doesn't notice, then the adult isn't paying enough attention.

I also made it clear that because of middle school social rules, and my child's precarious position, that they can NOT rely on him to tell them of things that go on. He shouldn't BE in that position; they should have policies that are pro-active enough to prevent it.

And, you know, they've listened. I don't know yet if its lip service or window dressing, but they've started a new policy with the locker room.

I did tell my son what I wanted to propose, and who I intended to talk to, so that he wouldn't feel his mom was out of control. He had no objections.

I never asked my son for names or gave any to the teachers. I was asking for preventative supervision, not disciplinary action against certain kids.

Don't be afraid to stand up for your daughter. She needs you to.

Its called bullying, its illegal in many US states, and it should not be tolerated. I suggest you check your local educational laws, or the school's code of conduct, and see if there is a law/rule against bullying. If there is, you've got plenty of amunition. If I was in a similar situation, I would talk with the teacher and the principal and make it very clear that those girls' behavior is unacceptable and perhaps they should receive sensitivity counseling. Noone should ever have to put up with that kind of abuse. I wouldn't stand for it. Hope this helps!

Thank you both for your responses. The county does have a no bullying policy so I'm pretty sure that I can get some support on this issue. I just want to make sure that I handle the situation correctly and don't end up making it even harder for her.

The first day of school, I went and spoke to all of her teachers to explain to them what her situation was and what they can expect from her. I even went to the PE coach and asked for her to be allowed to dress alone (which she does) and the coach is usually close by when they're in the locker room. However, this incident happened outside and I guess the coach was busy with some of the other kids. I realize that the coach has responsibilities and cannot only watch my daughter. However, when my daughter comes and tells her that someone threw something at her and called her names, I'd expect her to intervene. The fact that she didn't makes me really angry.

If it gets to the point PE is completly out of hand and you feel it is unsafe for her to be in that class you might want to see if there is an adaptive PE classin that school they are small classes that have kids in them for alot of reasons. I was in one for Jr High and High School because I have a birth defect that causes it to be painful to run. Other kids were in the class for other reasons we even had a kid with Autism because he was having trouble in the bigger classes. We rode bikes and did other things depending on the make-up of the class at the time. They even taught me how to thow a football something that I never tought I would beable to learn. It the bigger classes I was alot like your daughter and spend the time making daisy chains under the bleachers in order to avoid the mean girls. I know the push to mainstream is big but sometimes I feel it's counter produtive. Oh it did help my son who was in the 6th grade last year for my husband ,I and other adults to share with him that we all had a hard time our first year of middle/ Jr.high and they aren't alone in feeling this way and that in time it did get better for us and how we dealt with the bullies. Sometimes kids feel like they are alone in this and it's important that we make sure they know that it's not true. I hope some of this helps best of luck to you and your kids

Well for a start, at least you know. With aspies, theory of mind issues can sometimes have a child assuming that a teacher or parent knows what is going on. I have seen this in a relative. "Why is your coat torn." "Oh you know that time those boys threw me on the floor and kicked me?" "No...?"

Since your daughter IS able to recognise and report bullying you need the school to act when she tells them. Go speak with them, and do not be afraid to TELL them your concerns about the bullys getting meaner if they act. It's their job to take the appropriate action, not the easiest one.

I agree with DW, you have every right to call them on it. You should feel your kid is safe from bullying at school.

Hi Taalsi, so sorry your daughter had to go through this. I was teased alot as a child, and it hurts. One way to handle talking with the teacher is to first ask what her policy is on bullying. Then explain the situation and ask her how she feels the best way is to handle it. It may be that she has a good policy and is dealing with the bullies discreatly. If you are not satisfied with her policy then maybe give her some suggestions that fit with her teaching style. This could help if you are dealing with someone who isn't a great teacher, if you say it nicely they will often follow your advice. If you feel that the teacher just doesn't have class managment strategies down then you can see about changing your daughter's schedule. Does your school, or PTA, have a parent liason to help you out if you feel you need it?
Another suggestion that may help is to try and imagine what the other girls are going through that they feel the need to bully your child. Are they from abusive households? Have they suffered through a recent death or divorce in the family? Does one of them have an emotional or behavio ral issue interfering with their own control over their actions? Explain to your daughter that the things they say and do are NOT a reflection on her but are a reflection of something that is really truly wrong in the lives of the other girls.
Best of luck

Go to the principal and complain about this. Include everything you put in this post...about those girls becoming meaner, etc... They had NO RIGHT to BULLY your daughter! Don't take small crap because you think that there will be bigger crap coming if you complain. Open your mouth! You have a right. AND do NOT apologize for other's cruelty. They owe you and your child an apology! Bullying is not the norm just because it is everywhere and so popular. It's not right! That person who didn't take your daughter seriously needs a good ass kickin'.
How dare her?! Those two girls need a detention and expulsion if they continue. I'm so F'n mad, I feel like making the phone call for you. Don't downplay this! When I was a child (7), I was actually raped by a 12 year old boy. NOBODY believed me. That made me a very ANGRY woman today. Thank God your daughter tells you things! She'll love and respect you more if you do something about this. Take an "In your face attitude". Because you initially could not, makes me think you are just a bit on the spectrum (shy). But you WILL do something about this, WON'T YOU!! !! !! You have the POWER...DO it!!

I was a teacher, before becoming a Mom, so I'll try to give the advice a "teacher" would give. The bullies are wrong. The teacher was wrong for not taking immediate action to make your daughter feel comfortable. While it would be very gratifying to go to that school and bust a bunch of heads open, the teacher, the bullies, the parents of the bullies, etc, this may not be your best bet in the long run. If the bullies think that they are being punished because of you, they may take their vengence out on your daughter. "Snitches get stitiches." They may redouble their efforts in more devious ways and make your daughter feel that she can no longer go to you with concerns. As for the coach, it may be that she is a "dead wood" teacher. If this is the case, then by going directly to her and dealing in a calm rational manner you lay the ground work to take more serious action against her with higher up authorities. If, on the other hand, you go in a "hot headed" manner the authorities may, as per policy, be forced to defend the teacher. A further hazard is getting a reputation as a "hot headed" mom which may impede your ability to work effectively with the school in the future. Be calm, gather as much evidence as possible, go to the school frequently and give that teacher every reason to at least Think that you are listening to her, she will pay extra attention to your daughter. If the teacher really is clueless you will then have the peices in place to remove your daughter from the class and/or take action against the teacher if warrented. As a teacher, I did witness many instances of bullying which were really expressions that the bully had some serious problems that needed immediate and confidential attention (watching her step dad get shot in a drive by comes to mind). A good teacher can deal with the needs of the bully and at the same time make your daughter feel comfortable in the class. Your teacher may think that she is doing something and really have no clue that whatever she is doing is not working. I know it is not easy to be calm when faced with serious injustice, but keep in mind your long term goals for the relationship you would like to have with the school.