Hi, everyone- first post here.
I'll try to make a long story short. My son is 17. He was diagnosed with ADHD, combined type when he was four years old. He took stimulants until he was 12. The hallmark of his early testing (when he was young,without stimulants was impulsivity and distractability and a 20 point gap between his Verbal IQ, which was higher, and his performance IQ) At the end of 3rd grade, he had a WISC and his IQ had gone up by about 20 points, but there was now a thirty point gap between is performance IQ and Verbal IQ)
He spent a year in a special-ed pre-school, than was mainstreamed into the local public kindergarten with services. I was never happy with the services, because I always felt it was a "deficit based" approach, instead of one that went with his strengths and accomodated to his differences or needs. I had him re-evaluated in first grade and all services were stopped. He was functioning, learning, and seemingly happy in a regular mainstream class. In third grade he was switched from Ritalin to Dexedrine, at my request, becuse I felt the Ritalin quieted him too much and made him anxious and obsessional. This didn't happen on the dexedrine.
He always had a few "good" friends through elementary school. He had some early difficulty with bullying in middle school, from kids who has started out as his friends. He still had some neighborhood friends and even had a girlfriend for a while in seventh grade. At school he kept to himself and avoided the "groups." In eighth grade, the bullying stopped, and he made a few close friends which he still has until today. He has done well in school, loves to bike and is now a runner, goes to movies with his friends, has had summer jobs, and is a devoted animal rights activist and vegan. He has a great sense of humor. He is shy but polite with strangers and is not into conversing much except with people he knows well, although he social skills seem to be appropriate enough when he's on a job or interacting in the outside world; he just comes off as "introverted."
I have always felt that ADHD didn't explain the whole picture for him, and when he was young read voraciously on learning disabilities and developmental disorders and always felt that certain traits were better explained by Asperger's. I shared this with the psychiatrist who was managing his meds, but he always said that my son was not Asperger's.
I had become pretty obsessional about my son and his "issues" to the point it wasn't healthy for myself, my husband, my son, or my younger son, who has always been pretty "typical". With some therapy for myself, I went back to work (I'm an early childhood teacher when Will was 7, and while I continued to keep my eye on things, I took the approach that instead of looking for problems, I'd wait for my child to tell me about them or for the teachers to let me know. As I've previously said, things went pretty well until sixth grade, then got better starting in eighth. If you can get him to talk about himself (he doesn't talk about feelings, and whenever he's required to keep a journal for a class, he apologizes in the beginning and says he is not going to share personal stuff in it), he says he's happy with himself and his life and wonders why "his crazy mother has to go looking for problems all the time."
At the time he was getting bullied, he would not talk about the pain I assumed it must have caused him. I was certain he was repressing it, and although the psychiatrist acknowledged that Will had social difficulties "and was not a mainstream kid (he meant typical, not non-special ed)," he said he was a great kid, very bright, and psychologially healthy. His philosophy, as mine has been, is the way to to ensure mental health is to be able to be in enviornments and with people where you can be as much who you are that is possible. I had asked him on and off during the years about school, but never wanted to transfer out of a school he was in; he always insiisted he "liked it."
So, I've left Will alone, tried to support and encourage the things he wants and strives for, and not pry into his life and avoid saying things like, "It's Friday night, don't you feel like being out with other kids instead of on the computer?" And other than the fact that I wish he'd clean up more after himself, esp in the kitchen, we get along pretty well, because it's really all on HIS terms.
On Sunda, I read the article about HFA girls in the NY Times magazine. it sort of brough me back to years ago when I was steeped in evaluation and choices about school placements, therapies, et al.
I stared reading on-line about ASP. and HFA, and it was a real eye opener to read some of the writings of the "Aspies" themselves. I imagined that if my son opened up about his likes and dislikes, he might describe some of the very same experiences as the people who wrote them.
I guess my dilemma is this- What do I do with my suspicions? My son doesn't believe he has ever suffered from a "disability" and doesn't feel he has any such "issues" now. I know he would be really annoyed (and insulted) if I were to suggest he had Asperger's Syndrome. Will, who has already taken a college class in psychology, would rightly say, "Everybody has characteristics of some disorders."
Should I just butt out, and leave him to live his own life, on his terms, as I've been doing, getting involved only when he comes to me for help (if that time should ever come, which I doubt).
I guess it's a real NT trait for a mother to feel "you should be doing something" for your atypical children, even when they are not in distress and seem to be managing fine?
Thanks for your patience. Gentle feedback appreciated! Sorry for tyos/misspells
Margie
08 Aug 2007, 1:53 pm
, is that the word "Aspergers" doesn't change who he is at all. It doesn't suddenly make him any different than he was the day before - it just gives his behavior and some of the things I'd noticed about him a name.
