out of ideas.. . this newbie needs help. . .

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My 8 year old son was diagnosed with aspergers last year. he is currently repeating first grade, but doing much better this year now that we have a firm diagnosis and teachers that know how to teach him. . . but at home I am lost. It breaks my heart when he comes home and tells me that he has no friends, or that he walks the track in p.e. during "walk and talk" time by himself. They call him slow, and stupid, they pick on him for the need to repeat the first grade.
As his mom I know he issmart and talented and gifted. I know that he can do 100 math problems in a matter of minutes, but this seems to pale to him in comparison to the hours it takes o get through reading and writing assignments.

this is all still very newto us, we are a low income family and it was only due to a wonderful teacher that we finally started finding out what was wrong, and having the right testing done by the school to prove it. and while they are helping at school at home, i fond myself unsure of ways to do the same. I know from the reading that i have done that just saying"clean your room" is too much for him. . . but what can i do to make him understand what i mean? i know that he is not lazy but i find myself frustrated when i have to ask him repeatedly to do something like put his shoes on or put his homework back into hisfolder. . .

he shuts down, i can see the frustration because i too am frustrated. i hate that he feels this way, and i definately donot want to make these anxieties worse, i just wonder if anyone has some tips or tricks of things i can do at home to help. we dont have money for psychologists or retreats or groups to join. we dont have a vehicle to attend the meetings that are for children with aspies. . .

some days i feel like a failure as a mom when i get mad, and he cant help it. . . he tries, i know he does i see every day that he does but i dont know what to do or how to help.
so please, if anyone has any ideas at all please let me know.

You are asking all the right questions and you've managed to find this place. You are ahead already. You will get where you need to be with your child because you are willing to talk and to listen. I can see that from your words. So, to start with, have a little faith in your ability to be a good mom to him. It may take a lot of trial and error, but you'll get there.

The most important thing you can do for your child is to listen to him, really listen to him. Never discount what he is saying or how he is feeling, even if you cannot imagine anyone thinking that or feeling that. He needs that trust and willingess to see the world from his perspective more than anything else. And that is something you will be able to give him. You don't need anything fancy for that, just patience and will.

It is the school's job to see that your child is not teased while at school. Hold them to it. At the same time, give your son a few decent comeback lines so he'll feel he can respond. Give him what he needs to feel confident in himself. Remind him of his gifts, and how every child is unique.

I'm not generally in favor of hold backs with AS kids, but I have to trust you all made the right call here. If its going to happen, K and 1st are the times to do it. But, generally, AS kids need to let their minds soar in so many areas, that working separately on the weak ones seems to be the better answer.

As for things like cleaning his room, the best way to do it is to do it with him. Break it into parts that aren't so overwhelming, and make it quality time with mom. Similar for organizing his school work, filing his papers, etc. My AS son is now 12 and we STILL need to partner on these skills, because they are so hard for him. On the flip side, however, is that he is quite comfortable cooking dinner for the entire family on nights we are serving one of the dishes he has learned to cook. Everything with a child on the spectrum will always be a mixed bag: brilliance in some areas, behind in others. You learn to just go with it.

A few of our members have written blogs intended to be introductions to new parents with some of the information they feel you most need to know. Hopefully they will find this thread and post some links for you. One of these days I have to write one myself; it does get hard to keep writing the same things over and over, and I apologize for being brief and not filling in all that I might be able to tell you. It does get difficult to keep life in balance, and I can't spend as much time here writing as I would like to. But know that I believe in you. Post here for a while and you will see things in a different light.

hi jin. i am not an expert but since i lived with as and have a child (and husband probably) with as i can give you my 2 cents.
first make sure that he does not have dyslexia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyslexia or other kind of writing/reading problem. second is to try other teaching strategies (i will try to find some links for you).

at the same time build his confidence by concentrating on what he can do. praise him for what he can do. regarding friends he can try and find another "weird" kid in the class (that was my strategy during growing up) or in the neighborhood to be with. you also need to be more positive about it.
both my husband and i are very slow, i can't spell properly sometimes and my language is weird but we are both very successful in our jobs and life. you son will definetly need reading and writing but even if does not excell in it he can be good if he choose good fit in profession and life course for himself.

I know this may sound silly, though remind him of stuff that he does well when he's frustrated (though not during a meltdown), it may be a help to him.

About meltdowns, you'll need to find out how to deal with them by talking with your child when he's calm, to find out what will help him calm down (quiet or music, alone time or a cuddle etc.), that is if he has meltdowns (times when he's overstimulated in some way).

google executive functioning skills. It sounds like he may issues with that. it is very common. Essentially you need to do as the earlier poster mentioned, and break down chores into simpler tasks. make lots of lists for him, schedules to follow, be structured and organized.
for example, instead of saying clean your room, make a list of chores to follow each day. Put down what time to start. Then list each part of cleaning to do in what order, for example:
1. pick up dirty clothes. Put them in the hamper.
2. Pick up any clean clothes you see out of place. put them up in your chst-of-drawers.
3. pick up any trash off the floor. Put it in the trash can.
etc.etc

Making a list and then having a reward system for things that are finished usually helps a lot.

I know it's hard. I agree that it works best to do the chores with them. If I say "clean your room", he doesn't know what to do with himself. It is completely overwhelming and he doesn't know where to start. I get him to come in with me and tell him to sit down while I start cleaning and we talk, then I'll say, why don't you put all the Legos and put them in this box, gather up the clothes and put in hamper, etc.
I can see how overwhelmed he is even when I'm there with him.
He is 16 by the way.And he's a genius at school work and technology!
I still have to coach him through getting himself ready for most things. It does help to make lists. Then instead of saying the same things over and over, I ask him to look at his list.
It does become exhausting for us to do this.Hopefully it will pay off.
As far as friends, I'm sorry to say it did not get better for my son. We got a late dx, so no early intervention. I would have made lots of playdates. Maybe that nice teacher can suggest kids that might be compatible?
I know your heartache.

Some people also try to judge AS people by NT standards. They don't apply.
Having lots of friends is seldom a goal of people on the spectrum. Remember, though, that generalizations don't apply since the spectrum is so broad. I am not trying to generalize about having friends, rather trying to get you to understand that NT thinking about socialization does not apply to those on the spectrum. Many are happy with few friends. I would much rather have just a couple friends that understand me somewhat than to be forced to socialize with a large group of friends that would require me to be watching what I say and do or they might be offended. This will not change their entire life, so why force it? Happiness is defined differently for different people. Forcing NT ideals on a person on the spectrum will not serve anyone well except those who expect those ideals.