6th grade AS son won't go for help with the "wierd kids

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My son is 11 years old, in 6th grade and doing well, which pleases both of us after a rough run the last couple grades that included discipline issues. The school district has offered exemplary support for him, from speech therapists to special rewards programs. Their commitment means all the more to me after reading the horror stories of schools shoving AS children aside like unwanted pests.

However, where he is lagging badly behind is social development. Like many AS's he prefers to be alone almost exclusively whether it is in his room with his electrical and computer parts, playing xBox 360 or watching science shows. He'll go an entire day with only grunts of "yes" or "maybe" when we try to engage him in a conversation.

I am sure you know a child who lacks friends, was never invited to parties or other kid's homes, or seems completely out of sorts with his peers. That is my son.

The school brought to my attention that he eats lunch alone, away from the other children. No surprise there. The school social worker suggested a "lunch bunch" program where he would be joined once a week by other boys who have similar social issues. The boys get together to essentially practice being friends, learning when to speak and listen, or how to change topics of conversation rather than staying on one special interest when the other person appears bored.

He attended a program like this last year. This year, he wants nothing of it. He tells me these are the "weird" kids. He doesn't want his peers to see him with them. At some level, my wife pointed out, this is a positive; he has become more socially aware of unspoken code. The irony of course is that he one of the "weird" kids by his own behavior. Anyways, he has been in the program now two weeks but wants out.

Do I keep him in? I am leaning towards no. I recently signed him up for the school's computer club (his passion) in hopes of his making friends with other boys with similar interests.

Have you had a similar problem with your AS child who as they grow older no longer want school assistance because they feel they'll be ostracized?

Welcome!

Definitely do not FORCE him to be in a program like this. IMO it seems too trivial. Although you can/should encourage it, let him be the one to make the final decision. Good idea with the computer club program - I was in one back in middle school, and it was great for me.

If I got a dollar for every time someone called me "weird," I would be a very rich "weirdo."

I don't know if my son feels the same way as yours, but he has mentioned he does not like going to his pullout services and kept saying he goes to the resource room for his state testing and doesn't know why. I am thinking he is tired of having these services and wants to stay in the class like the rest. It's a good thing we have a new slp who does most her services in the class w/o the children even knowing it!

You should be worried about his safety first. (Making sure the school is enforcing strict discipline on kids who bully). I should note I was raped and tortured multiple times during this period of 11-13 yo. It is probably the single most dangerous time to have an ASD. Safety, not social development needs to be your top concern. NT kids this age are absolute brutal savages usually to kids who are outsiders.

If he feels safe, he will get to socialize on his own when he feels comfortable to do so. If he is alone, and is being left alone, that is fine. You cannot force social development, its something that either happens or it doesn't, and when it does happen it will be on his own terms, not yours. I didn't get to have friends until I was in HS, and thats because it was the first time I finally felt safe in my life. At this point in his life, he needs to do things on his own terms and start choosing his own activities. He may do some things to keep himself safe...that is fine. Sometimes being alone and left alone is fine. I spent the first six months in HS eating alone every day, and being left alone. I spent nearly all of elementry and middle school doing the same thing, but the difference that people would torment me daily. Because i got to a point of safety, i started going to clubs, talking to other kids, and well...socially developing. I was lucky to have a music obsession at that time, and lived near a concert venue. The arts opened the door to me being social. I was okay with weird kids...because I was far from normal...though at that time I ended up a bit of a goth, dark hair, black cloths, black eyeliner and everything.

Maybe he just finds the other kids in the group annoying. When I went to this children's asperger's group when I first diagnosed at the age of 10, I found the other kids highly annoying. I didn't like them or find that I had any more in common with them than anyone else.

I agree wholeheartedly with starygrrl. I never found acceptance in middle or high school - I was bullied ruthlessly for years - some classmates I graduated high school with even tried to harass me after I went to college (now THAT'S maturity). As a result, I was withdrawn and miserable, and didn't want anything to do with school.

I was supposed to join a "social skills group" with a few other students in middle school. I still don't understand the point of this group - we barely touched upon social issues at all. Furthermore, with these kids we were all at different levels and had to deal with different issues, so I felt like I was being ignored. Whenever my guidance counselor tried to coach me on proper social interaction I rolled my eyes - I didn't understand why I was different, and furthermore didn't want those differences to be highlighted, especially in a school setting, where I feared classmates would point and laugh. Perhaps it's prolonged immaturity on my part, but I eventually resisted my Ed plan because of this, wanting to prove that I wasn't actually "ret*d" as my classmates claimed.

I did find one-on-one help with a teacher to be helpful, though, where no students would ever know what was going on... I met with a woman in high school, in addition to my usual classes, who helped me with all sorts of things, including study habits and communication with peers and teachers. If you can arrange something like that for your son, in a setting where he wouldn't feel put on-the-spot and embarrassed in front of peers, I think it would really benefit him.

Also, are there any support groups for individuals with ASD in your area? I'd look into that. There's one close to me that has plenty of social skills groups. I've never actually been, but have heard wonderful things about it. I'm sure it would offer the same support as the school would (even better, actually) and it would take away that fear element of being at school while being involved in such a group.

I'm sure he'll learn, or be willing to learn, with time. Extracurriculur activities are always a great thing for those with AS - they would give him a great opportunity to learn social skills in a focused setting that isn't about socializing. Don't, however, try to force him into anything he doesn't want to be a part of. I wish you and your son the best of luck!

Well it's a scale.

For example, I had to do the speech therapy program, and to be honest it was pretty stupid because they grouped me with ret*ds (literally). Yes, I may not be exactly "normal", but comparing me to them?

Same concept, different situation

The computer club is where your son should be. If you want to devlope his social skills than devlope his confidance. It sounds like computers and video games are his thing. He may improve his computer and video game skills and therefore improve hsi confidance at thensame time. He also might make a friend or two as well.
Don't make him go to the lunch buddies program. Most kids I assume your son is no exception want to be one of the "cool" kids even if they pretend not to. Secondly from my own experances (I was a lot like your son growing up) based on my own experances your son want's to be acatped as normal by his peers. Being in this group will end his chances for both.

My son's speech teacher last year told us that he made a decision in Middle School to make no friends. I forget all his reasons for it, but he made that decision, and he stuck to it. In High School, he decided it was time to have friends. A brilliant man, very likeable as an adult, has a PHD ... he's done fine in life. Ultimately, everyone is different and there is no single road that is best.

Which means, if your instinct is to let him out of the lunch bunch, then follow it.

It's interesting to me because my son has learned to wear his differences like a badge of honor. I kind of hope he always will. He doesn't want to be teased, but he sees that as those other's kid's problem, not his. They've made a kind of lunch table of outcast kids, I guess it could be said, but they are all happy being friends, and most of the kids are brilliant and destined for great things. Good kids, good families, positive atttitudes. Unusual, isn't it? One of the many little things for which I'm grateful. It does help that we are in a community that has always emphasized inclusiveness and works hard not to allow bullying or descrimination of any kind. That still happens, but there is no tacit encouragement going on. I guess it also helps that my son is friends with one of the most popular kids in school, even though they don't do lunch together (the other boy sits with the kids who will then play basketball), but that wonderful kid often takes the time to go by the table of kids my son sits with to say hello to my son. Stuff like that really helps a child know its OK to be who they are, doesn't it? I wish I knew how to transfer that everywhere. All I can do is share how those two became friends: carpool. 1st through 5th grade. For anyone with younger AS kids looking towards the future, seriously consider the value of putting two children together on a regular basis who might never have gotten to know each other otherwise.

Don't keep him in, he doesn't want to be there.

I certianly didn't like being singled out as different by having to sit with kids with problems, its horrible.

He wants to be normal and fit in with normal children, and thats what you should be encouraging, not making him feel different by sitting with people who make him feel uncool. It can be a positive thing for some people, but most children do not want to be seen by their peers as weird.

Personally my advice would be to leave him alone and let him sort himself out. Butting into your childs friendships is a very very bad move. You can't choose your childs friends. Your intentions may be good, but its not helping.

The computer club sounds like a much better idea and something he will enjoy. It will give him a chance to choose his own firends if he wants to.

I think that you should allow him to quit the group. It's just going to be an annoyance to him at this stage -- he may not be very social, but he's mature and socially aware. IF a group like this had begun early in his elementary school years, it might have worked better.

I have kind of the opposite problem. I've been pulling my 13 year old OUT of speech therapy and special needs classes, slowly over the years, because I was afraid that he would get labeled with these kids. In elementary school, it wasn't such a big deal, but he's been doing well academically, and even socially -- like DW_a_mom said about her son, my son also has a good group of good friends, either on the spectrum or just smart and eccentric boys, who have been eating lunch together for years. So he is doing fairly well. BUT, having said that, he misses the socialization that came from going to speech class -- he doesn't seem to notice much how odd the other kids were. He just enjoyed being somewhere where it wasn't stressful, and he had fun with the other kids. I pulled him out because speech was interrupting regular classes, AND because my son was "helping" the teacher with the other kids. That's very nice, but not what he's there for. But I feel bad that he actually misses the experience.

Also, I wanted to say -- sometimes, oddly enough, kids like your son find their group in high school. My older NT daughter (now in college) had a big group of friends, some of who were kids that used to be in special needs classes in elementary and middle school. Once they hit high school, they found other kids that they liked, even though they USED to be rather solitary kids, by getting into after-school music or political clubs. I'll be pointing my son in that direction next year when he starts high school.

My son was in a social skills group last year for the entire school year. At first, he resisted and said he didn't want to go. Like many of the posters above, I agree that these things should not be forced. So the way I approached it was, I told him I wanted him to try it for one month, once per week for four meetings, and if he really hated it or didn't want to continue going after giving it an honest try, then he wouldn't have to go anymore. He tried it, and after two weeks he told me he liked the group and wanted to keep going back. That was it...it was his decision. One thing, the group was in a different town from where we live, so there was no "visibility" for him and the kids in school didn't even know about this. Also, the group was really well run by a PhD-level psychologist who specializes in kids with ASDs...I met and interviewed him extensively before even suggesting this to my son. Great guy, great group, so we had that going for us. Good luck