Obsessed with Death!

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Lately Vladi cries for up to 2 hours because he is scared of death. No matter what I say to try to comfort him he cries it makes me soo sad but sometimes I get mad and frustrated....any suggestions?

Be glad that he's probably going to look both ways when crossing the road and might generally take an interest in his health? I always had a lot of concern over dying, was always very careful about things and have never had any injury beyond the odd cut or scrape, while my contemporaries seem to have had a whole collection of broken bones so far, smoke, drink, drive recklessly and otherwise put themselves at risk.

The distress over the subject is unfortunate, but hopefully the end result will be a long, relatively pain-free life, and possibly some philisophical insights from him thinking about the matter so much.

This was me when I was little. No amount of reassurance could really take this one away...and unless I had absolute concrete proof of heaven with the latt & longitude marked out on a map.... I could never seem to buy the religious views to gain spiritual comfort.

When I was in my teens I became interested in the paranomal, spirit sightings, photos, research and such...I studied everything I could find...and although I still have that fear to some degree even now, I did find alot of things that I couldn't explain in a logical fashion...which leads me to believe there is indeed some form of life waiting on the other side. Although...probably not the advice you may want or need right now...this was the only thing that brought comfort in my case.

Hoping it gets better for Vladi and you soon. Try not to get too frustrated with this, I know somedays are tiring...my little one just turned 7 .... but I remember the fear being all too real...

This is the 1st time I've posted, but I know exactly what you're going through. My son (12 years old) had the same problem. He was diagnosed over a year ago with AS and he's always been fixated on his heart and thinking that there was something wrong with his heart. He was always asking, Can kids have heart attacks and die? No amount of reassurance from me helped to calm his fears. His psychiatrist and psychologist offered many suggestions with none of them helping.

I'm an R.N. in a small psychiatric hospital, and after a night of no sleep trying to calm his fears, I asked a therapist there for advice. He recommended a trip to his primary care physician who listened to his heart and ordered an EKG. His heart was given a clean bill of health with a strong and regular rate and rhythm, the EKG was shown and explained to him as being perfect. I guess sometimes they have to hear it from someone other than "mom".

Sorry but I don't know how old your child is so I don't know how appropriate this would be for the age. Hope it helps someone at least.

J is obsessed with death in general. Everything is "what if...". He isn't upset about it like your son, or at least he doesn't outwardly seem upset. I can understand your frustrations because it seems like J is so morbid all the time. I have explained that death is a natural process many times, and we go to church every week, but he still obsesses about it. Hopefully, he'll out grow it with maturity.

At one point J insisted he needed glasses. Gosh, he was driving me crazy about it. So, I did like pzrn did, and scheduled an appointment with an optometrist. The doc did everything! Glaucoma testing, sight testing, etc. He had more equipment and more tests than I ever could have imagined. He even took a polaroid picture of the inside of J's eyeball, so J could see what it looked like. The doc told J that he had even better than 20/20 eyesight! Well that did the trick. Now J goes around reminding me ALL THE TIME that he has better eye sight than most people.

Hugs to you![/i]

Are you able to get more to the root of it - is he afraid of dying himself, or that you or another close caretaker is going to die? Sometimes being able to pinpoint it more clearly may help in finding a solution.

If he's just afraid of death as a general concept, perhaps a conversation with a spiritual counsellor of some kind (priest, rabbi, whatever your faith may be) could help? With a big heads up to the counsellor first of course.

I understand the frustration - last night my son had his first real whopper of a meltdown in a few months, and it was like he had to let it all out. It was bad, exhausting, and made me cry later. But the alarm goes off the next morning and we start over a new day.

Thank you all for your advice. I trully apreciate it and will be putting your suggestions to practice one by one.

OMG pzrn! Vlad (he is 11 y/o) does that all the time!! I mean the other day his uncle was here and we were talking in the kitchen and in comes Vladi "mom what does it mean when your heart hurts" (for the 1001 ime mind you!) I was in a terrible mood so I answered "it means you are having a heart attack and I need to call 911" well guess what he walked back to the living room shut up and has not asked again! I did not mean to be so incensitive but sometims he just drives me NUTS! mind you he has 2 younger brothers 4y/o & a 9 month.

I think a lot of adolescents have thoughts about death. "Thanatopsis", a famous poem about death, was written by a teenage boy. I think he was 15 at the time. Thinking about death isn't the same as being suicidal. You could take some time to discuss your faith and beliefs about death and dying with him. Then you could tell him to journal about his feelings about his faith, beliefs and death. Maybe it would help.

Your son's behavior certainly hints at OCD and there are medications. However, I always try to avoid kids taking meds if at all possible. And with a problem like this, therapy is always an option alongside the meds.

I'd recommend:
1. a very moderate use of meds which can help "take the edge off" (use them only as a temporary alleviator and only as long as is absolutely necessary)
2. therapy can help him learn how to fear death less (you would probably want him to attend some kind of phobia-specific therapy)
3. getting him re-obsessed with health can help him shift that inevitable energy off of death and onto life (and in all honesty, excellent health and diet in childhood are the makings of long life, so this would hopefully be appealing )

Using all three of these together can help your son-- if you find meds necessary that is. But at the very least, don't use the medications and medications alone. This is only a bandaid and will simply mask his symptoms and not help him to unlearn this behavior and give him permanent relief. If you use meds as an option, once the non-med strategies begin helping for him, you can slowly request that he be tapered off the medication.

If you can avoid the use of meds though, do.

ALL4VLADI...That is the same way my son described his and it was always the same, 'My heart hurts'.

I think that I gave the impression that his psychologist didn't help, she did. He's never had problems talking with adults, just peers. He loved seeing her once a week and he would send me out of the room as soon as we got there so they could have their privacy. He confided in many things to her that he wouldn't tell us. Not only fears about his heart, but fears that something would happen to us and that he would be left alone. She taught him to fight these fears with logic and the truth.

For when his heart would hurt, she taught us many relaxation techniques. It wouldn't be unusual for his heart rate to climb into the 140- 150's when he had these attacks, the panic he felt was evident in his rapid breathing and pale face. Talking him through these with the relaxation techniques almost always worked.

Good luck, and I pray that you will find a way to help him through this.